Chapter 7: The Night Alternia Died
“You do not lose family to death alone and there is nothing more painful than losing family.”
– Author’s Quote
The night I died was to be the day of my ascension. The dawn of my own hive became the death of everything I loved and all I ever knew.
I had just left my mother and was making my way to meet my changelings. The hive’s corridors were dim, lit only by phosphorous slime that also provided structural integrity. So I barely noticed a group chevaliers heading toward me. At first, I thought nothing of it, but I noticed something was strange about these changelings. They were armed with poleaxes, brutal weapons that were a hybrid between an axe, hammer and spear. Over their carapaces, the chevaliers wore dark purple armour, burnished to a dull sheen.
Changelings are very tough creatures and naturally armored; we generally do not go armed or armored, especially within the safety of our hive. The fact that these chevaliers were walking around in war gear was enough cause for suspicion. These chevaliers also seemed to focus on me. Their eyes were not averted in normal deference, but followed my every movement. It was like they were hunting me. Instinctively, I glanced behind me and saw five more armed changelings. Something was very wrong. I took one final step forward and was met with a bristling wall of spear points.
“What is the meaning of this?” I demanded, hastily backing away, keeping a wary eye on the chevaliers behind me.
“Please do not resist, Queen Alternia,” said one of the chevaliers, wisps of magic gathering at his horn. Biting my lip I exhaled slowly. I was caught by two groups of heavily armed and ready chevaliers. I had to separate them.
My horn flashed as I sealed the corridor in front of me with the strongest shield I knew. Spinning around, I watched as the five other chevaliers charged. Levelling my shimmering horn at the chevaliers, I let loose an inferno of emerald flames. The changelings jumped backward, but one was enveloped in the conflagration. He gave an ear-piercing shriek and collapsed. Immediately, I seized his poleaxe with my magic and turned to the remaining four. They advanced, hooves taking small, measured steps, I leapt off my rear hooves, the axehead of my weapon scything down upon the nearest of my opponents. He jumped to the side and dodged my weapon by a hairs-breadth. My teeth ground together as I saw his companions’ weapons were now whistling through the air towards me. Quickly, I pushed hard with my front hooves and flapped my wings. The heads of their weapons smashed into the ground where my hooves once stood, kicking up clouds of dust. The chevaliers were slow to bring up their weapons, though. With the hammer-head of my poleaxe, I slammed two of the changelings against the wall. While I was focusing on those two, one of my enemies galloped forward and wrapped his hooves around my rear legs. His partner, wings buzzing furiously, flew towards me, his poleaxe cradled under his hooves like a lance. I tried to step back, but my legs were pinned. Acting on instinct, I shifted my weight and twisted myself to the side as much as possible. His spear glanced off my chest, leaving a deep gouge, but not drawing blood. The chevalier’s eyes widened, and he gasped as he was surrounded by the green glimmer of my sorcery. Flicking my head to the right, I propelled the changeling into his compatriot and winced at the sickening crunch of armour and carapace. Panting from my exertions of magic, I turned to the remaining ten chevaliers. They had just broken through my shield and I groaned aloud.
“Surrender Princess!” hissed the commander of the chevaliers. Even in my exhaustion, I bared my fangs at him and snarled. Then, I blinked, grinned and gently set down my poleaxe.
The chevaliers chittered uncomprehendingly at my expression. Suddenly, the commander found himself lifted unwillingly into the air by the shimmering lime hue of my magic. Eyes lidded, I glared at my trembling opponents and swung the captain into the ranks of of his own command. With each flick of my head, I bowled another changeling over with a mass of cold metal and unyielding chitin. Despite the leader’s howls for his changelings to kill him, the chevaliers refused to do so. After many swings, I was greeted with the moans and clicks of nine unconscious changelings. Only one, the chevalier whom I had used as a club, was awake. Tossing him onto the ground, I stood over the trembling soldier.
“Why did you try to restrain me? Answer me, and I may be lenient!” I roared. The chevalier cringed, but did not respond. So I raised my hoof and placed it on his throat.
“Your sister, Chrysalis!” gasped the chevalier. I froze, staring at the changeling, hoping it was a lie. His eyes, though wet with fear, told the truth. Growling, my horn flashed and his eyes slowly closed.
“Why would Chrysalis try to restrain me now? Mother would...” I paused in my musings and gasped. Cold horror, like nothing I have ever felt filled my veins and galvanized me to action. I closed my eyes and opened a portal to the entrance hall. As I cantered through, three hundred pairs of eyes focused on me.
“Milady! What is the matter?” asked one of my chevaliers.
“My mother is in danger. Chrysalis is launching a coup. We must go to the throne room immediately,” I said. The dreaded words echoed through the cavern, their meaning slowly warping the expressions of my supporters. For a moment, my heart sank.
Then from the swarm of my allies, there was a cry. “We live to serve you, milady!” That cry was echoed by the rest of my chevaliers and drones, each male and female announcing their loyalty for me. I tried to smile, but fear only allowed me a grimace.
“Thank you. We go to the throne room!” I yelled. My changelings cheered and we emptied the hall, not toward the light at the end, but into the dimly lit corridors of the hive.
The Throne Room...
The throne hall was the biggest cavern in the hive. It was long and had a very high ceiling secured by a mat of tree roots. Although we had no foreign dignitaries to impress, it served well to remind most changelings of my mother’s might. As I entered the throne room, disguised as a normal drone, I was shocked to see it packed with five hundred Changelings. Forcing myself to breath normally, I hefted my chosen weapon, a six foot long halberd. Slowly, I pushed my way through the horde of changelings that were inside the hall and was confronted with a sight that I never dreamed of.
“What have you done, Chrysalis?” demanded Chamelia. My mother sat calmly on her throne of black obsidian, in spite of the poleaxes pointed to her throat. At the base of the throne, separated from my mother by a circle of traitorous changelings, was my sister. She had a calm expression and was carrying a long iron-shafted spear with her magic.
“I am holding you hostage,” explained Chrysalis, tone level, but eyes hard as her carapace. My mother’s eyes narrowed, and she snarled.
I blinked. Where were my mother's guards? I glanced around the foot of the throne and saw chevaliers that looked as if they had fallen asleep.
“Hypnosis is forbidden unless in a life or death situation! How dare you use it upon your own kind! Have you learnt nothing from what I taught you?” said my mother with a snarl.
“You’ve taught me plenty, mother. But I’ve realized something more important. Sometimes, certain actions must be undertaken for the greater good. Now, mother, all you have to do is give me the link to the entire hive. After that I will release you,” said Chrysalis.
Chamelia’s eyes widened at Chrysalis’s statement, “Is this about your younger sister? Alternia was going to leave! What does she have to do with this?”
“I would be lying if I said she had nothing to do with this, but the fault is yours. You’ve let your love for Alternia, for my sisters, make you soft. You want to talk to the pony princesses! Open diplomatic relations and reveal our race to the world! We live by deception mother, we were built to lie. We excel in this life, and cannot live in any other way!” declared Chrysalis.
If I had been surprised by Chrysalis’s revelation, I was far more shocked by what happened next. My mother glared back at Chrysalis, who stepped back. I think I did too, for I had never seen my mother so angry. Though Chamelia remained motionless, she suddenly towered over the changelings in the hall. Her eyes were narrowed, sharp and flashing with rage. Yet, there seemed to be a dejected tone to her curse. “Then I have failed you and doomed our hive. Your misplaced faith in the superiority of our species has blinded you to the future. One day, you will be wondering why you did not listen to me. You must forsake this path, Chrysalis, or you will be punished.”
“Punished by whom, mother? Alternia? My soldiers should have restrained her by now,” stammered Chrysalis.
As my mother replied, her words fell like hammer blows on an anvil. Each blow echoing through the space of the hall. “Mark my words, Chrysalis! If you refuse to change with this world, you will doom yourself and any changeling foolish to follow you!”
At that moment I dropped my disguise and cast a portal. In a roar of flames, I stepped out next to my mother and with a blast of magic, took out the guards who dared to point their spears at her. Chrysalis was so shocked that she barely reacted as my horn glowed and I hefted my weapon.
“Surrender, Chrysalis!” I roared.
“Never!” she screamed and drove the point of her spear toward my face. Flapping hard with my wings, I saw the weapon cut past my cheek.
“Then I will defeat you!” I brought my halberd crashing upon Chrysalis’s head. She just managed to raise her spear to stop its descent. Meanwhile, my changelings, who had been waiting in the adjacent rooms, rushed into the hall. Buzzing wings filled the air as they threw themselves upon Chrysalis’s changelings. The clang of clashing weapons and howling battle cries filled my ears, but I only had eyes for the changeling queen in front of me.
Chrysalis let her spear’s tip sway side to side, like a coiled snake ready to strike. I waited, my halberd’s shaft held diagonally. Mockingly, the spear danced forward and then flew back. I held my breath in anticipation, but dared not react to the fient.
Out of nowhere, Chrysalis lunged, her spear cutting forward, seeking blood. Stepping backwards, I deflected the strike with the haft of my weapon. I then whirled my halberd through the air in a slash at her head. Chrysalis, her lips twisted in a sneer, lowered her head and ducked under my swing. Raising her head once more, she snorted at me.
“Sister, do you really think you can beat me?” giggled Chrysalis. She charged forward once again, her spear arching toward my head. Gritting my teeth, I raised my halberd and saw sparks flying as the spear hit my weapon’s head.
“I see no sister in front of me, traitor!” I hissed. I saw Chrysalis’s eyes widen. As fast as I could, I channeled my will into my horn and released it. Flames scorched the air in front of me and a ‘crack’ filled the hall. Chrysalis bounced across the hall like a ball and smashed into the wall so hard, it collapsed upon her in a cloud of dust. I stepped forward toward the cloud and waited to see if she would come out.
She emerged, coughing and covered in debris. “Alternia, please, you have you to understand! Mother –”
“You dare call her mother? She raised us, fed us and trained us. We owe her everything. Yet, you repay her with a coup?” I roared. Infuriated, I galloped forward, swinging my halberd down like a hammer. Chrysalis’s eyes widened as she leapt to the side. A moment later, my halberd ripped through the space where she had just stood. I began to turn to follow up my attack, but found the breath knocked out of me as I was met the iron-shod butt of her spear. I gasped and staggered backward, trying to get as far away from my enemy as possible. Yet, Chrysalis didn’t attack.
Instead, she spoke, “Mother has gone mad! If she reveals our species to the ponies, there will be nowhere that we can hide! She thinks we will be welcomed openly as allies and friends, but she’s wrong! You have heard of what the ponies did to the Windigoes, Discord and Sombra! They have no love for anything that is not a pony!” I listened to my sister, eyes narrowed. When she finished, I shook my head in disbelief and sneered at her.
“And you honestly think this will solve the problem? Don’t try to deceive me, Chrysalis. All you want is mother’s throne!” I lunged on the last word of my rebuttal, and the spear tip of my halberd lanced toward her. She managed to parry the blow, but I continued to charge, head held low and horn tip pointed to her carapace. Dropping her head down, Chrsyalis slammed her horn against mine, sending vibrations through my vision. Eye-to-eye, horns locked, weapons pressed together, we strained against each other, struggling to find additional purchase on the floor. I could hear her gasping breaths and see the dust and sweat on her carapace.
“Of course I want her throne. I want to show her I can lead this hive better than her. I want her to be proud of me!” rasped Chrysalis. I blinked, shocked at her declaration and suddenly felt the pressure at my forehead building up. I found myself sliding, my hooves unable to grip the earthen floor as Chrysalis slowly stepped forward. I strained against her, forcing my hooves against the ground, but I continued to be pushed toward the looming wall. With every muscle in my neck I wrenched my head away, breaking the lock. As I scurried away, Chrysalis immediately sent her spear chasing after me. With great effort, I raised a shield of magic, hoping for some respite.
To my horror, the spear gave off a turquoise glow and passed through the shield like it never existed. Panic lent speed to my retreat, but to no avail. I saw the spear nearing my chest and felt the cold pinpoint of the weapon touch my chest. Desperate, I opened a portal and disappeared. My vision briefly turned black as I went through the darkness of the doorway and relaxed.
When I stepped out, I froze with terror as I saw the spear flying towards me. Chrysalis had anticipated where I was going to escape and thrown her weapon to the location. I raised my halberd, but my weapon, once so light, now weighed like a boulder. I held my breath and closed my eyes, bracing myself for whatever death had in store for me.
The expected pain, the impact, it never came. I felt nothing. I heard nothing as well. The sounds of battle had suddenly grown silent.
“No!” screamed a voice filled with anguish and disbelief, emotions I had rarely seen from Chrysalis. But why was she screaming? Wasn’t I dead? Hesitantly, I relaxed my cheeks and eyelids and opened my eyes. A tall, slender, dark form stood in front of me. A crown antenna sat regally on her head. It was my mother, her transparent wings lifted like protective walls. Protruding from the chitin of her chest was the shaft of Chrysalis’s spear.
At that moment, I could not breathe. It seemed like time had stopped. Chrysalis’s cry had been muffled to buzzing, incoherent, static. My vision blurred, as my mother collapsed to the ground. I raced forward, hooves clattering against the floor and threw myself to her side, an effort that seemed to take forever. I knew it was futile, but I cast a healing spell anyway. My mother did not say a single word. Her eyes creased and the corners of her mouth turned upwards in a smile. It was a wide smile, but one that would not banish my tears. Then she closed her eyes and sighed.
With that sigh, all of my warmth left my body. I felt, numb, cold. There was nothing I could hear or feel. Everything I saw was my mother’s still expression and her final smile. I do not know how long I sat. What I do know was that something began to burn within me. The hot fury of anger coursed in my veins. I felt it lash at myself for making my mother save me, for the events that brought about this tragedy. Part of me was wracked in the limbo of denial. But it was grief that weighed down on my chest like an unstoppable force and gripped my throat like a vice. All that pressure, all of my pent up emotions, I had to release it. I knew who I would direct it to.
I turned and saw Chrysalis, staring at me and my mother, her eyes filled with tears, yet they were sharp and narrowed. Those pinpricks were filled with hate and jealousy. We both knew what was going to happen next.
“Murderer!” I charged, slashing my weapon wildly, aiming at my enemy’s neck. Chrysalis rolled under my weapon, but cried out as my halberd cut off the tip of her ear. Standing tall, her horn glowed and I felt myself rising into the air and then propelled into the ground. Blinking away the pain, I struggled back up, blinking tears away from my eyes and growled. Chrysalis had retrieved her spear from my mother’s corpse and was hurtling towards me. I grimaced and met her spear with my weapon’s hilt. “Are you happy now, Chrysalis? Mother’s dead! The throne is yours!”
My once-sister let out a wail of anguish and flung her spear at my neck. I dodged it, but winced as the spear cut across my cheek.
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! This wasn’t supposed to happen!” wailed Chrysalis.
“Of course it wasn’t!” I sobbed. I swung my halberd and sank it into her shoulder, causing a spew of green blood. She retaliated with a stab to my hoof that made me wince. I returned with a cut to her face. She slammed me into the wall of the hall, and we grappled with one another, hoof and fang. We whirled, punched and bucked each other, cracking our carapaces and drawing each other’s blood. It was like a brawl between young changelings, uncontrolled, uncoordinated. Like how she and I used to fight. But that was when we fought for fun, not for the throne.
“Why did mother love you so much? What did you do to make mother love you so much? Why did you kill her?” screamed Chrysalis. My only response was a snarl and to pounce forward, seizing her throat with my jaws. Screaming, Chrysalis pounded my back and mauled my wings with her hooves and fangs. They ached, but they could not quell my desire for revenge, nor compare to the loss of my mother. Desperate, Chrysalis ripped me from her throat with her magic, sending me flying away from her.
That was when she got lucky.
I was slammed into the ground, face-first, and rolled several times before coming to a rest on my side. Shaking my head, I moved my legs and gasped as a wave of pain shot up my front hooves. I looked down and to my dismay and revulsion, saw both my front hooves bent where they should not be bent. The carapace was shattered and cracked. My blood coursed from these new springs of pain like sickening rivers.
I looked up. Chrysalis was standing unsteadily, a hoof prodding experimentally at the ripped and torn chitin of her throat. “What’s the matter, Alternia? Having trouble getting up?” rasped Chrysalis. As I gazed up toward Chrysalis, panic filled my heart. My rear hooves scrabbled uselessly at the ground in a futile attempt to rise. All of my earlier rage was replaced by fear, which grew with every step of Chrysalis’s advance. I had to get away, but my strength had left with my anger and Chrysalis was too close.
That was when Chrysalis was tackled by four changeling drones. Their combined weight threw her to the ground and pinned her. Two chevaliers suddenly appeared beside me. Both were covered in scrapes and their carapaces was scored with wounds, but they lifted me up on their shoulders. “Milady, can you still teleport?” asked one of them. I shook my head and they nodded. “Alright, we’ll teleport you to the pony castle. You can disguise yourself as a pony and they’ll heal you up in no time.”
At that, my eyes widened. “No! I can’t abandon you!”
Despite my plea, the two changelings ignored me and their horns began to glow. “Goodbye, milady,” said one of them. Emerald flames rose around me. Through the curtain of fire, I saw that Chrysalis had gotten free. She had shaken off the four drones and was charging at us, her spear gripped awkwardly in her hooves. I knew she was too far away to do anything and then my heart sank when she threw her spear.
I shouted a cry, but my two chevaliers were too busy with the spell. I could do nothing else, but stare in alarm at the plunging spear-tip. As my vision turned into shimmering green, I felt the spear pierce my chitin, slice into my flesh and tear into my stomach.
Agony blossomed in my midsection, along with the despair that I was going to die.
Damn Alternia got all primal and shit and used those fangs! I kind of wonder how long those changeling fangs are though if all Chrysalis got was a sore throat from the bite.
Dang. Well it's great to see this update finally.
The fight scene was cool, though I would've liked to see a flash of the fight going on between the drones and chevaliers, like Alternia getting knocked back and looking out upon the war, but that's not important. What is important, is that Alternia was just impaled...that's gotta hurt, not to mention poor Chamelia.
Now I wonder how Celestia fits into this.
gave a ear-piercing (an)Imy strength had left
Yet, my Chrysalis didn’t attack.
but
their carapaces was scored with (were)
God damnit Chrysalis why'd you have to go and fuck everything up.
I wouldn't worry to much about Equestria Daily, a lot of the most popular fics don't get in that site because the pre readers tend to be pretty snobby about their tastes.
Damn, first chapter in weeks and you came back swinging. I guess just to make up for some lost time huh?
The fight was amazing and well conveyed. I can clearly imagine a lot of the fight scenes visually too. But I also must mention that this was definitely a dark moment for Alternia considering how her sister tried to usurp the throne from her mother, tried to kill her, killed her mother as she protected took the spear meant for her, and tried to kill her (again). Losing family is a painful experience; but losing a family member at the hands (or hooves) of another family member hurt would hurt much more in my opinion.
Also, I would like to mention that Chrysalis seems to really have her facts about pony kind and their response to Discord, Windigos, and King Sombrero (Yeah, I know what I said) a little screwed up.
I mean if she saying that the Changeling race is doomed because of Ponies maliciously using heartwarming songs and togetherness to banish/defeat/melt? three spiritual entities who only innocently wanted to farm disharmony from the three tribes to use as sustenance and cover pony kind in a hate filled ice age as a reason that they can't peacefully talk to Equestria is pretty logical.
Or, encasing a spirit of chaos and disharmony in stone because all he wanted to do was create a little chaos and indiscriminately making every ponies lives miserable while causing disharmony between them for a few cheap laughs is WAY too harsh.
And finally, it was morally wrong to imprison a King, King Sombrero, who practically oozes darkness and corruption in a glacier while turning him to shadow just because he wanted to show the crystal ponies the joys of slavery and toiling deep in the darkness of the crystal mines while also paying for his lavish life style of decorating the crystal palace with ludicrous amount of stairs and placing a curse upon the Crystal Empire making it disappear for a thousand years.
That would totally make ponies out to be the bad guys to the changelings. That is, if they were all coco in the loco like Chrysalis. She believes that Ponies are too harsh to entities that would plunge the world into darkness/chaos/eternal winter. They would totally not make peace with us and instead launch us out of Canterlot with a giant magical shield just because we tried to overthrow their Kingdom and also tried to steal their love and attempted to farm it from them like the machine from the movie "Matrix". With all that said and done I now believe that Chrysalis is fruitbats**t crazy as Princess Azula was from Avatar the Last Air bender.
All we need is her to be haunted by the hallucinations of her late mother as well as holding conversations with her to make it all complete
But pointing out Chrysalis's faulty logic in the most humorously way possible aside; I wonder How Celestia fits in all of this. And also where are Alternia's other sisters as of now? Did they even get any news of the coup? I guess these questions are yours to answer Vren, not us.
Keep up the good work!
P.S. It wouldn't have been a true update to this story if there wasn't a Cliff hanger at the end.
Not my favorite chapter :P
But the stories moving and thats all good :)
All is forgiven, your lateness forgotten. I understand what it means to be swamped with work
BUT NOW IS THE TIME TO READ SOME MOREEEEEE
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD (pinkie doesnt cut that)
Just keep me fed and we will get along famously
I'm not really hearing Celestia in the narration of this chapter. When a character tells a story, the way they tell it and the details they include says a lot about them, and I just don't see Celestia telling a blow-by-blow account of the fighting, no matter how exciting a read it makes it.
Who's this Zerviel character? Also decided that since I'm stuck on that one fic to switch back over to Queen's Vengeance to clear my head a bit.
2449541 Holy... Sharing the Night's author commented... okay its criticism, but still a comment...
Therein lies a problem I couldn't really address this chapter. If I wrote it in a more Celestia like voice, it would be far more telly, not blow by blow and I would bore my readers to death. That was my initial draft to my pre-readers and two of them expressed great disbelief + criticism for the super telly moments where the action was let down by the tell-y style. I agreed with them and made alterations and was happy with the result. The problem is as you've pointed out to me, I had to write in a more showy style, which took me out of Celestia's voice a bit.
My rationale for this is that this isn't exactly Celestia. She's Celestia but there's another side of her one hasn't seen, the Changeling side of her who is a fighter and would give a blow by blow account. That's all I can say in my defense , did you enjoy the chapter though or did this throw you off badly?
2448281 Her chitin was torn at her throat... It's not exactly JUST sore throat. Maybe I should emphasize that part a little more. Still, thanks for the comment!
2448407 About the drones, this is from Alternia's perspective after all, she's totally focused on Chrysalis and not on the drone fight. I mean, one distraction and Alternia would be dead. Hence, all the focus was on the fight between her and Chrysalis. Still, I suppose I could have fit that in. Thanks for the comment!
2448448 She's the antagonist?
2448490 Well the pre-reader wasn't snobby, just VERY unspecific.
2448899 My rationale was that Chrysalis probably didn't know ALL the details and she had good reason. Every other species that had met the ponies had ended up defeated or destroyed. Not only would this make her rather hesitant about approaching ponies, but (i'm not saying she did think about it) if you think about it, wouldn't the ponies be rather wary about an 'evil' looking race like the Changelings? Also, even if the changelings were revealed, the consequences is that their deception is useless and as Chrysalis pointed out, changelings live by deception. Reveal themselves to the ponies and they lose all advantages.
2449237 Ah well, I hope you stilled enjoyed it. What was your favorite chapter???
2449321 Summer is here, exams are done, I will be churning chapters. Celestia will make an appearance next chapter and there WILL BE NO CLIFFHANGER!!!! Or not such a sharp one.
2449839
Can't believe we missed this one.
2449870 and its nice to see your story has a couple more likes
Woohoo! Update!
Just so you know, when there's a read chapter after a new one, it doesn't appear in the updates list. I wouldn't know this had updated if I hadn't gotten the email and put this back on my read later list. You might wanna move the credits chapter to the beginning or something to fix this. Bloody bugs.
2449944 Indeed! And thank you very much for that! Came back and my notifications had at least 9 more fave notices.
I wonder, considering that in hive, Celestia stronger point was leadership, how did Chrysalis got far more followers to rebel, and what happened with all Celestia followers when she got to Equestria and later on replaced leader in there, I mean, if Celestia was so good in leading changelings, should not some of her followers join her under disguise, or did she abandoned all her changeling followers and replace with pony followers ?
This is where portals would be useful. Small area with limited movement would allow a portal user a much higher degree of mobility.
So all Chrysalis really wanted was to be recognized by their mother and feel like she was cared for as well. I suppose it is slightly tragic though why did Chrissy blame Alternia for their mother's death? Chrissy tossed the spear, Chamelia stepped in front of it, the only ones with any blame have names that start with a CH.
2449839 All I can say is this.
Is the true Celestia all that we envision her to be?
At this point, can Alternia even go back to her old identity?
She is so firmly entrenched in her role, that I even doubt the return of the genuine Celestia would hardly make a difference....
Unless Celestia just decides to rip them out of Alternia's mind, leaving her but a brain dead husk. Just a living corpse.
And nopony would be the wiser.
Either that, or Alternia heroically sacrifices herself for the sake of Equestria...
Yeah, I am going with that.
2451871 Chances are, most of them were probably slaughtered by Chrysalis's horde, plus her mother's turncoats.
Aw, fuck...
Aw, fuck...
Hey, look; I found footage from the last time I reviewed a chapter.
That clip at 1:09 pretty much hits my experiences reading this right on the head. Give up? Fuck no; keep going!
Damn it, I can hear you thinking from the future as 'TheHarisayBrothers comment of your story Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen' pops up in your message box. Here comes Christian again to either beat me over the head with the same shit that he's brought up every damn time he's left a comment, or he'll bring up some new error that's so painfully obvious but I somehow missed that I almost give myself a concussion from the facepalm. I bet he's even got some elaborate excuse as to why it takes him longer to leave a comment that it does for me to write a damn chapter.
I've figured out that you've figured me out, so let's cut to the chase.
Remember all that drinking I was doing when I left a review for you last chapter? Well, plot twist time; I wasn't actually drinking anything alcoholic... the cops would later tell me that it was LSD. Flavored with PCP. Garnished with some bath salts.
So apparently I was doing so many drugs that it reached a chemical singularity in my brain, and most of the last six weeks are just recurring as either an incoherent daze or a fever dream, and I've been trying to piece together what happened like some weird cross-over between The Hangover and Christopher Nolan's Momento. Good luck explaining the why.
Like when in the last chapter, you mentioned "Alternia found herself confronted by a rather sickening image of her older sister, with a massively swollen belly," that drove me to some maddening quest into the deep recesses of the internet, where I somehow, for some reason, managed to dig up this:
(WARNING: CANNOT UNSEE)
i46.tinypic.com/246orcx.png
I've got to admit, I kinda want to poke her tummy.
Then I wandered out of my apartment, and that's when shit really started to go down. Thanks to a monkey on the wing of the plane, I managed to travel back in time to the seaside city of Sodom. Then, I managed a rendezvous with two fan fiction writers, and we ended up in a parallel universe themed around the Discovery Channel, where I battled a gorgon by jumping on her head and riding her. Twice.
Then we ended up at some beverage festival in Ormagöden, on a mountain with a view, nearby where Sir Unimpressive lives, where I met some crazy people...
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/202/a/c/rockstar_mayhem_fest_2013___meeting_gumby_by_da__master-d6ek2q1.jpg
... then I met even more crazy people...
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/202/d/9/rockstar_mayhem_fest_2013___meeting_battlecross_by_da__master-d6ek3yg.jpg
.. and before I knew it, I was taking part in battles with vikings, wars of the Norse gods, digging through a black hole in oblivion with my bedazzled fingernails for a crystal skull that shone of spectrelight to save an octopus who has no friends from a blasteroid, learned the way of the fist and that war is the answer from Sensei Moody, and then I became more human than human, and had an affair with a living dead girl, who happened to be the daughter of Dragula.
I'm also no longer allowed in the bowling alley of the Grand Sierra Resort on Saturdays because of the dumpster incident.
Man, that was the best six weeks that I can't recall completely ever.
*sigh* And now that my weekend long hangover/bout of intensive care is through, onward to chapter seven.
...
Okay, I'm not going to lie; that one hits pretty close to home.
Another decent fight scene. You seem to handle action sequences well enough, and I did have a clear image of the events. I feel they could be broken up into smaller paragraphs though, and one piece of advice my editor gave me (who has a bachelors degree in English, I might add) is to avoid the use of adverbs as much as possible. It's not at all bad here, but using a more direct means of describing action, like with just straight up verbs, will help streamline the action and give it a faster pace, which is something you want for a fight scene.
Like I said, not too a serious issue here. Maybe I've just learned to have that response to words that end in "ly."
Wait, hold up; from where did Alternia get that halberd? Did she pick it up of one of the traitor drones? But you just said they were armed with poleaxes... Come to think of it, arming your changelings with weapons here seems counter intuitive, since we didn't see them with weapons when they invaded Canterlot, and you'd think it be a good idea to, you know, actually arm your army before sending them into battle...
Gah, I'm nit-picking now... actually, that's indicative that I'm still not bought into the story. The Nostalgia Critic brought that up in his last editorial.
There's more to Chrysalis's logic for why revealing the changelings to the ponies is a dumb idea, right? Because the ponies totally didn't oust Windegos because they were causing mass starvation from a indefinite cold spell, petrify Discord because he was a mad god who saw the lives of others as nothing more than his play-thing, or banish Som-God damn it, you brought that guy up! (Urge to kill... rising...) *sigh* ... or banished King Subaru because he chained up all the failed toy line ponies and made then dance the conga line for three seconds; it was because they weren't ponies... wait hold up; King Somebody is a pony...
God, Chrysalis is a fucking idiot.
Wait; you wrote her part here, so... *sigh* If you wanted Chyrsalis to be legitimately fearful that ponies are xenophobic, bigoted, racist zealots, there are plent of other perfectly canon things that you could've made reference to: like zebras. Or hell, look at how the earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns treated each other while the Windegos were still running around. There; perfectly feasible reasons for Chrysalis to be paranoid. Both are canon, and both achieve the same end.
I can hear the sound from the slap of the introverted facepalm that you just gave yourself all the way from here in the past.
Hold up, I just realized there's more. When was it established that Chamelia intended to reveal themselves in hopes of forming an alliance/symbiotic relationship with the ponies? Did I miss that somewhere in the last chapter, or did you just put that one out of a hat that you had over your butt... again?
I know that my writing mantra when it comes to characterization of "leave nothing undeveloped" tends to cause walls of text upwards of twenty thousand words long... per chapter, but that's so the story is completely tied together. I'm not advocating you churn out stuff with as obscene words counts as we do, but really? You went and did it again; you had another great opportunity for a character arc by showing a mounting disconnect between Chamelia and Chrysalis over the changelings relations to ponies, and you blew it. Again.
Well, of course that's how you earn your mothers approval and adoration; you stage an upsurge against her and rip everything that she worked so hard to make away from her because your foreign policy is the exact opposite of hers.
God, Chrysalis is a fucking idiot.
Grunty: "In which case, me have to congratulate you, because you nailed her character perfectly. Oooooooooooh! Grunt burn!"
You did it again. Subtly directing Chrysalis's character so the audience eventually comes to the conclusion that she ultimately just wanted her mother's respect could've given her a great tragic flaw as a villain. That really could've given her depth, much like how Luna became Nightmare Moon ultimately because she just wanted to be loved. But no; you just throw it out there; no prior establishments, no development, no gradual implications, you just throw it out there.
Don't give yourself a concussion with those facepalms, by the way.
Now, death scenes tend to be a tricky thing to write; I've been there before. Trying to figure out how to write the implied death scene in chapter one wasn't easy, and rewriting it when Golden Wing 42 told me it sucked wasn't easy, either. This is going to sound like weird advice coming from me, but I think that brevity really is the key. When a protagonist dies, you shouldn't have to rely on a character going through all this exposition over what they're feeling. In order for the dramatic weight of that death to have the impact upon the reader that it should, the reader already needs to be feeling those emotions of their own accord when the mortal wound is struck.
Any narrative devoted to the subject should be as punctual and poignant as possible, enough so that you could inflict blunt force trauma with your words alone. I changed the supposed death scene in chapter one to that archetype, and it worked fairly well, then used something similar in chapter five, and Brian does it so well for the opening scene it chapter four that after I read it, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut... and that was even with me knowing what was going to happen before I read the scene!
It doesn't help much either that Chamelia hasn't really been given the best use of screen time, either. By my last count, she's only been in a total of three scenes, including the one where she dies, and she didn't really do much to cement herself into my mind as a memorable character. You could have more accurately defined who she is/what she's like as a character by giving more screen time to interact with her daughters and perhaps a minor subplot (like aforementioned disagreements with Chrysalis), then her death would've been a real loss.
And then the fight goes south for Alternia, but it's okay, because the brave changeling warriors by the names of Deus, Ex, and Machina rush to her aid and save her at the last second. Okay, I'm kidding of course; you do establish that there are other changelings in this fight; those loyal to Alternia and those under the control of Chrysalis, so her saviors don't show up completely out of nowhere... but the story still kind of pushes them all to the side until they're needed again.
How did your attempted submission to EQD go over?
Anyway, that's enough out of me for now. I've already left you a comment that's almost as long as your average chapter and put enough messes into the spotlight for you to clean up. I need to get some sleep.
*gets up, climbs into bed, lays head down and sighs in content as I settle into my fat pillow*
Corpulent Chrysalis: *groans* "This is so demeaning..."
Me: "Silence, my pleasantly plump pillow! On the contrary you serve a great new purpose now... as a place for my head."
Chrysalis: "I've go a place for your head; it's on the bottom of my hoof."
Me: "Oh, stow the belly-aching, miss 'stand-there-and-do-nothing,' or I won't play Deftones tonight. You like Deftones, don't you?"
Chrysalis: (exacerbated sigh) "Yes..."
Me: "Then chill out, and lull me to the place of your slumber."
Chrysalis: (encore exacerbated sigh) "Fine. But if you have any good dreams, I swear I'll eat them...."
Me: "Trust me, you don't want those ones...."
- Christian 'Rosemary' Harisay
Woah...such conflict...much death...so sad...srsly though, that was intense!
2449839 The ponies didn't destroy or defeat the griffons, minotaurs, zebra, cows, donkeys, dragons...
Because none of those species tried to take over/eat/otherwise-be-mean to them.
Hmm, seems they only fight off those things that attack them. And out of those, one was a race of basically evil spirits that froze everything (I kinda thing changelings would hate windogoes since they feed on hate and changelings need love...), Discord was a single mad god, and Sombra was a insane unicorn tyrant who mastered Dark Magic.
Chrysalis' justification doesn't make sense at all.
4563435
It likely was just a fake excuse she told herself, when the reality was that she wanted to rule.
Trollysalis...
Suddenly all the Caps are gone. Why?
Poleaxe? Don't you mean halberd?
Holy sixth paragraph, Batmare! That's way too long.
Well? Which is it? Pick one.
The entire scene might as well be happening inside a vacuum in this chapter. I don't have any picture at all of what the setting looks like.
Oh hey, you listened to me already! Also, now I have some idea of the setting... somewhat. It's a throne room... Yeah. Okay.
What's this? The first proper usage of correct dialogue punctuation I think I've seen? Does this indicate that you learned? Please say yes!
Aw, nuts.
This doesn't really sound like stammering to me.
Bit of repetition there, mate.
Oh hey, guys. Where the fuck have you been all fight? Lazy bums.
Whyyyyyyyy (that's for bringing up the memory, not for Alternia)
Dude, I'll admit this is a great fight scene. It's always hectic when family fights each other. Blood will always be spilled, and bonds will likely never recover.
But.
You still haven't made me care about any of them.
I'll ask again: Where is Celestia? Until I learn how she and Alternia are connected, don't expect any sympathies from me toward any of the changelings. So far all I've seen of them is that they are retched, battle-happy, mutinous creatures. Can you blame the main cast for not trusting Alternia?
I see you picked Zervziel up as an editor. It shows, too; most of your grammar issues seem to have been solved. Mechanics also show signs of improvement. However, at this point you still have issues with excessive tell.
The story is improving. But you really need to hurry up, because the pacing is glacial at this point.
5495289 A halberd would just be a spear with an axe; a poleaxe has the hammer bit. They're similar, but not.
Chrysalis must have levelled Thrown Weapons like crazy. Lots of spear-throwing going on about, and it seemed like there was hardly any combat around the two.
2916827 Noice half page review, m8
Lets see.
Windigoes, equine spirits that feed off hatred, slowly turning the land they roam into a frozen wasteland. Had they stayed, they'd have frozen the planet. I think getting rid of them was justified.
Discord, technically could have been reformed even back then, but was hardly the greatest listener. Ponies were miserable under his reign, and his sense of humour seemed to be rather more malicious back then than it is now. And, I assume the elements were used after somepony tried reasoning with him.
Sombra was a malicious tyrant, treated his subjects like slaves and was evidently so horrible that the crystal ponies actively surpressed their memories of him. I'm pretty sure even Discord wouldn't have liked him. (forcing all the ponies to constantly work in the mines, no change except to be punished for slacking? Bor-ing!)
...
Welp, all three of those are justified, especially since 2/3 eventually came back. Shame Chrysalis didn't know any of that.
Chrysalis's turn seems too sudden.
Chrysallis and alternia fighting made me cry like little bitch man
Not entirely sure how to read Chrysalis here. I think she was being intentionally coy with her mentions of Discord, Sombra, and the Windigoes, and really just wanted power, but genuinely didn't want to kill ol' mommy, just dethrone her and cast her out. Of course, here's the possibility she got bad intel on why the ponies did what they did to Discord and co, or just can't see past her blind hatred.
I'm sure that even after a thousand years or so, Alternia will still be able to open up some festering emotional wounds in her.
6415503 I think it's a "Road to hell..." thing, Chryssy has her idea of what's best, she truly has the best interests of the hive at heart, but she went too far seeking it.
6218764 true that
Welp, that happened! Holy schamoly, that fight scene is intense! Have 5 mustaches my good sir!
6689896
I give it six!
6993610 i give it a 1... OUT OF 1!!!!
Actually the dislike is to anything that is not day pony. Day pony is good and wholesome, all else is filth to be expunged from the holiness of the day pony world
7008824 i give this story 100/10. You earned it Alternia. I hope you are okay and the ponies won't be racist now
7008824
Ill give it the 9 mustache solute
7376333 da komrade this is gud story
Okay, so this story still doesn't explain how she became Celestia.
It just explains how she was pretty much fatally wounded, no, maimed.
How can she just come back from that?
Are you serious? Are you comparing yourselves to sombra a tyrant, discord, also a tyrant, and windigoes that feed off h8rs. Come on!
*Breathes in*
BOI
5495289
As someone else already said, a halberd was a combination between a spear and an axe, while a poleaxe added a hammer to the combination. If it helps, I left a couple of pictures for reference.
A halberd...
buyingasword.com/images/Product/large/07-89MSG.png
And a poleaxe.
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/for-honor/images/5/55/Poleaxe.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20170131105848
dam that is a battle.
*of
Also, you should probably take a look over the first few chapters - stuff like blueblood being bowled over by an entire group yelling "what!", funny as the image is, doesn't fit the mood of the rest of the story.
Nevertheless, this is still one of my faves - I'm on my third readthrough :P
Chrysalis is one pf my favorit characters of MLP. Not in this story... Damn... This will be a masterpiece!
2452354
Deniel the truth. She cant accept she ruined everything herself. Killing her most beloved familie member.
4563435
Indeed. Her exampels are not viable. Than again she was probably desperate for a excuse!
6399067
We never get to see Chrysalis side. After all its oly Alternias side of the story. Still... Chrysalis seem desperate for any excuse... Sealing her families and hives fate...