Mail Theft is no Laughing Matter
A Cancelled Coronation: Mail Theft is no Laughing Matter
Celestia’s plan was ruined.
After years of careful direction, gracious love, rigorous testing, and the occasional need to save her student from self-induced peril, Celestia was coming to accept the fact that her plan to ascend Twilight Sparkle to Princess status had completely failed.
She had worked very carefully over the years. Sending Twilight to Ponyville, allowing her to discover friendship, watching her as she went on incredible adventures filled with danger and wonder...and even the times when the danger had come from the very ponies she called friends. Celestia had watched over her student’s every act, feeling her pride swell every time a letter was sent and a lesson was learned.
But now, after all these years, to have her plan ruined in the most unlikely and unexpected of ways...it was enough to drive Celestia to drink.
Which was exactly what she did.
“Damn that courier and his buddies!” she mumbled as she set her freshly-opened bottle of Applejack Daniels on her study desk. The bottle was already one-third gone, and the rest was rapidly following. “His fellows had to go and talk all about how my student is rude and arrogant, huh? I sh- I should track them down and make THEM reform Discord, see what real arrogance can be!”
The Sun Princess glared daggers at the official letter of apology resting on her desk (which was ringed by the alcohol running down the bottle). The letter, concise and professional, informed her that the package she had sent her student had been undelivered, and went on to offer her various services to reconcile the error.
But, Celestia being the ruler of the land and all, the postmaster had the sense to send a second letter explaining why the package had been lost. According to this second letter, Twilight had made a name for herself by being forward, rude, and haughty to the delivery ponies, and further by never signing for a package that had been given to her in the past. The postmaster explained that, by never completing the delivery process required by a signature, Twilight Sparkle had effectively stolen goods.
So, in the interest of preventing said theft, the colt courier assigned to deliver the parcel had chosen to not deliver it. The package was deemed lost the following morning, and the courier had missed work that day.
“How terribly convenient,” Celestia drawled, kicking back another three fingers of the whiskey. Her magical grip began to falter as the liquid burned her throat - she had always been a lightweight, a fact that amused Luna to no end.
Now Celestia had guards searching for the courier, trying to find him and the estranged delivery. Witnesses and workers of the postal service were already being questioned, and a few leads were beginning to emerge. But it was crucial that Celestia narrow everything down to one solid, definitive lead before her student caught wind of the development and offered to help. If Twilight found out about the journal contained in the package, and then of Celestia’s ultimate intention for her, then things would become worse than they already were.
And Gods above help them all if the courier decided to read the journal.
“Come on, Mark, keep going! What happened afterward?”
Water Mark, the very colt assigned to deliver the package to Ponyville’s librarian, sat with five of his oldest friends as they enjoyed a personal holiday. He was at the center of the group, but was otherwise unremarkable with a white mane and a gray coat that was due for a hard wash. With a chuckle fed by a pleased sense of justice, he replied to the question.
“Heh, well,” he began. “After the boss told me who the box was for, I thought long and hard about the name. ‘Twilight Sparkle,’ you know? We got to hear it a lot last year.”
His cohorts nodded their understanding, one of them chipping in. “Yeh, li’l Sticky Stamp wouldn’t shut up abou’ it until we threw him a second birthdeh party.”
“Hey, give the kid a break,” Water Mark replied. “That really did ruin his big day, and all he had was a postcard!”
His friends nodded their understanding again, prompting him to continue. “Anyway, I hear the name, and I feel like I owe something to ol’ Sticky. A way to make up for the way that librarian messed up his birthday, and for how annoyed we got with him. The box for her was my last run for the night, yeah? So instead of walking all the way out to that edge of town, I just punch out and head home!”
One colt to his right, a unicorn, seemed to choke on his breath. “Wha-wait! You stole the thing?”
“Nah, see...I prevented a theft! She refused to sign for Sticky’s letter, wrecked his day, and kept doing it for other packages sent to her over the year. If she doesn’t sign, then the stuff is still ours, right?”
The colt wasn’t convinced. “Well, maybe, but what if...”
“Don’t ruin this day for me, kiddo. It’s still property of the postal service by default, so she was stealing from us all those times! Why would I want her to do it again on my delivery? I figure, ‘well, buck you too, lady!’”
“Ha!” the first pony laughed. “Justice is served!”
“So jus’ what happened to the box you were s’posed to give?”
Water Mark smirked with triumph, reaching behind him to his saddlebags. He rummaged around them for a moment before pulling out the box addressed to Ponyville’s librarian. The package was noticeably roughed, the edges crumpled and open. Within sat a spiral-bound journal without a title, which slid into his hooves easily.
“Whoa, hold on!” the timid colt started. “You weren’t supposed to open that, Mark! You could get in big trouble!”
Water Mark blew rasberries. “Pfft, take a look, kiddo. See this seal?” He angled the box toward his friend, pointing out the intricate ink stamp on one corner of the delivery sticker. “That’s the seal of Canterlot, man. And not just that - this little number comes straight from Princess Celestia herself.”
“Whoa, no way!” the rough-spoken colt exclaimed. “Lemme see that!”
Water Mark passed the box along, allowing each of his five friends to gaze at the seal, while he held on to the archaic journal in one hoof. “No joke, this is something that Princess Sunburn wanted Twilight Sparkle to see, and she paid handsomely for it to be delivered in just one night. Hahaha, sucks to be her!”
Finally accepting the fact that he was part of the trouble now, the timid colt went on. “Then why did you open it? Celestia herself sent that!” he accused, pointing toward the notebook.
“Celestia sending this is exactly why I opened it! What’s so important about this old thing that she paid so much to get it delivered so fast? And why that librarian? She’s not so special. Aren’t you all as curious as I am?”
An immediate smattering of approval sounded from four colts, while the unicorn who had doubts slowly became the fifth. Satisfied, Water Mark opened the journal’s back cover, then passed the whole thing to the skeptical colt.
“What?” he gasped, lifting a forehoof away in fear. “Why me?”
With a roll of his eyes, Water Mark explained. “The letter that came with this mentioned a spell on the last page, made by some hairy wizard or other. I figure we should see what the spell does, just for fun! Make this ‘day off” mean something!”
“Oh, I-I don’t know, Mark...this looks like it’s not done, and there’s no description for what it will do...”
The rough colt cut in, his eagerness causing him to bounce in anticipation. “C’mon, don’t do that! I’ve been itchin’ for a good day away from that dumb ol’ post office for weeks!
“Yeah, this oughta be good!” the first pony added, providing more peer pressure.
Water Mark smirked in triumph again. “You’re our unicorn. Come on, give it a shot - I wanna see what this does!”
The unicorn gulped nervously, convinced himself that there was no harm, and magically took the journal. His friends gave a small cheer, but went silent as he cleared his throat and began to concentrate.
“From one to another, another to one, a mark of one’s destiny, singled out alone, fulfilled...”
Several hours passed by before a letter wreathed in smoke emerged above Celestia as she rested on her bed. She barely noticed it, her mind wracked with worries about the coronation event that would never happen. Her bottle of whiskey was on its side next to her, a barest color along the neck the only indication that anything had ever been inside. When the letter fell and bounced off her nose, she seemed to snap back to reality.
But only for a moment, as reality chose that instant to snap back. She rolled off her covers and landed hard on her flank, sending a fresh ache flaring across her head.
“Unnnngh...” she groaned, swaying in place. Even when sitting, she could barely tell up from down. With great effort, she reached out with her magic, attempting to lift the letter sent to her. After four lunges and a few obscenities besides, she finally managed to capture the scroll and send the ribbon holding it together flying across her room. She rested her chin on top of her covers, forced one eye to stay open, and slowly read the message.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am writing to you because I have a rather unique problem on my hooves. Not too long ago, a set of young colts was brought in to Ponyville Urgent Care, each of them spouting nonsense and trying hard to hand random objects to each other. One of them I recognized as a unicorn who works at the local post office.
After investigating, I noticed that the unicorn’s cutie mark wasn’t as I remembered. In fact, his cutie mark was on one of the other colts admitted to the care center - a very rough-looking character with a drawl thicker than Big Mac’s, but with a passive attitude not unlike Fluttershy’s own. It was confusing, to say the least.
It’s my opinion that, through some form of magic or trickery, the cutie marks and destinies of these ponies were exchanged among each other. During my inquiry, several of them mentioned an old journal, which I believe to be a key element to this mystery. However, the only piece I have found is a torn segment of paper, caught in the hoof of one of the colts, bearing fragments of writing and a few magical figures. The piece of paper doesn’t give me anything, and I fear that it’s a part of this journal, trampled during their confusion.
Please write back with any suggestions you may have to help me solve this mystery. I will be at the care center for most of the night should to decide to visit.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
Several minutes passed by in a seething silence as Celestia read the letter four times over. The one eye she was keeping open began to twitch, and with no small amount of effort, she grabbed the bottle of whiskey in her magic. She wasted no time in removing all remaining evidence that there had ever been liquid inside.
“Fffor the llove of me, T-Twilight,” she slurred, “don’t be ssso rude to the co-...cour-...MAILPONIES!”
End
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- Roxxi · 28k words · 109 18 · 4.1k views
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I was right. Twilight is a massive cunt.
Come to think of it... I don't think I saw her sign for it in the show... or give the mailpony a tip!
Hilarious.
A simply wonderful idea. I definitely chuckled out loud during... well, practically almost all of it! I'd say you've made a disturbingly intense situation - that of course being the transformation of Twilight Sparkle - and ran with this delightful alternative that struck me hard in the funny bone!
Excellent work. I'll keep my eye on you in future, certainly.
WELL DONE!
ZING
It was cute. Consider having the mailponies solve the riddle like Twilight did, then having the one appear in Canterlot as an alicorn.
Well to be fair, Twilight receives most of her mail through Spike and probably did so for years and living in the castle as Celestia's student, never had to sign for a damn thing in her life so she likely doesn't know she has to do such things.
Which begs the question. Why would Celestia trust such a thing to a normal postal service instead of sending the damn thing through Spike. If anything it's Celestia's fault, on all counts.
2146603
Likely wouldn't work. Need the Elements of Harmony. And already none of them follow Honesty.
2146626
Why not? All Twilight did was remind them of who they were and why they were friends.
2146653
Yes, but then she rewrote the spell to a true completed form which caused the Elements of Harmony to react and send her to whatever that place was Celestia was waiting and turned her into an Alicorn, I highly doubt any of these chuckleheads would know how to rewrite the spell in the first place and even if they did, still no Elements of Harmony.
The reason she became a Princess wasn't because she fixed the problem, she rewrote the spell and made new magic.
2145613 Get on her good side, she'll always be there for you. Get on her bad side, just ask for forgiveness. Stay neutral, and she'll pass you up like Rainbow Dash passes up flight school!
2145655 Eeyup, the exact details that spawned this idea.
2145673 Glad to hear it! When I first got this idea, I chuckled enough to bring me out of my half-sleep. I'm glad I could make it work!
2145710 Nnnneoww!!!
2145812 She had no idea what she's getting in to.
2146603 "Fillies and gentlecolts, may I present (to my great dismay)...PRINCESS WATER MARK!" *Crowd groans*
2146613 There's a reason she's hitting the bottle so hard. That's the reason!
2146626 Still would be amusing. Like watching kids with a bottle rocket - you know it won't turn out well, but you keep watching anyway just so you can say "I knew it!"
Oh princess, that'll teach you to send old spell books that way
Great little one shot here. Perfect slice of life and made me laugh- that's an ideal fic for me.
Keep up the good work!
You earned yourself a fav and a follow
I lol'd
Don't mess with the postal service. That is all.
2146814 "Dear Princess Twilight, today I learned 2147163 . Your eternal mentor, Pissed Celestia. P.S.: Sign for your bucking parcels before I start sending you Parasprites!"
2147029 2147114 Then I did something right! Many thanks.
Keep it up, guys, I wanna see how far up this little shot can go before it falls into obscurity!
To be honest. This would had been funnier than the original episode, why? because the episode was rushed and it was to early to make Alicorn Twilight.
2147712 Truth. At least the finale had a bunch of cool songs to enjoy.
Pretty good. I give it seven out of ten mustaches.
2147974 That's still not the weirdest rating system I've ever seen.
2148013 I would hope not. I could think of a million weirder ones. Well, maybe not a million, but you know what I mean.
2148671
2147767 Yeah
...sequel?
3400453 I've thought about one, but nothing has stuck. If there's enough demand for one, I'll try.
Your punishment? Oh, you silly little cour... co... mailponies... *hic* I sentence you to STAY as you are!
☼ H.R.H. Princess Celestia ☼ *scribbles her signature on a royal decree, complete with sun doodles*
Let's just say that I signed for the delivery of your exchan... ex... swapped destinies. Have fun! *hic*
4658396 Hahaha! I can totally picture her signatures including little doodles of the sun. And maybe a quick drawing of herself jumping from one side to the other all majestic-like!
Funny story. Wish I could come up with shtick like this.
This is why you always give the mailman a good Christmas gift. It makes up Gorda year of sins.
I have reviewed this HERE.