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Something's happening. Cheerilee isn't sure what. All she knows is what she saw, and that's not much to go on—no more than a glint of flame on the dark horizon. Whatever it is, it's very far away.
The moon is high in the sky, but she doesn't plan on sleeping tonight. Instead, she will take her telescope, sit by the lake, and wait. Perhaps she will see more.
Thanks to Sierra Ex for letting me use his beautiful interpretation of a sonic rainboom for the cover!
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That was one of the most interesting stories I've read recently. A very neat concept, and the execution was perfect; it gave just enough detail for me to imagine what was happening, without actually telling me a thing at all. And besides, in worlds were the fate of entire nations rest on the shoulders of a few "chosen ones", it's always neat to see how the layman reacts to everything.
It was well written, well characterized, and explained absolutely nothing. Fantastic job.
This wad brilliantly done, but I do hope that you make another chapter that says what actually happened.
Very tasty story, it was a very enjoyable read.
I liked it.
This was truly amazing! The subtleness in the hints at what was going on were great.
I'm not 100% sure what was happening, but I have 3 different theories about it...
This kind of story must be very difficult to write, but you pulled it off perfectly!
Incredibly well written and very, VERY enveloping, it really draws the reader in
I cannot wait to read more of your stories!
Oh, by the way, this story does work perfectly on it's own but it'd be very interesting to see the other side of it...
Could be an idea for another story perhaps~
The terrified unknowns to the helpless mortals who must watch at a distance while gods battle.
The only thing I think it could have done without was the dream bit. No need for that. It actually feels disruptive to the flow.
3072377 They were battling Hollywood as the evil corporate producers attempted to create a Pony film with Uwe Boll and Michael Bay as director and executive producer.
3072097 3072397 3072413 Thanks! I got excited the moment I thought of the idea. I love using characters like Cheerilee and the Mayor.
3072377 3072481 Thanks! I may make a second part someday, once I've finished editing the four other fics I've written!
3072566 Interesting point. Thanks for the feedback!
3072572 The dramatic reveal.
That was simply amazing. I've never read anything like it before, and all I can say is wow. Keep up the good work.
24
This was very, very good. The uncertainty and worry build up really well, and the things the watchers see are subtle and ambiguous enough that you can imagine whatever you want happening there. Then, when the dawn is late... the fear is almost palpable. Which makes the ending even more of a relief than it would have otherwise been!
What 3072763 said.
Also, I particularly like that the onlookers don't find out what happened; it lends the whole series of events an almost Lovecraftian feel, as though whatever occurred was something beyond mortal comprehension.
Or something.
But yeah, I really liked this story!
....Whoa.
Amazing bit of writing. Nice perspective on the whole "Epic fights of destiny." The narrative visual was great, and the characters well written.
I had the Gurren Lagann theme from Lagann-hen playing iover and over as the fight went on.
Check me on something, please.
The description of what Ditzy saw makes it sound like the fight locale was mirroring the big event (Lunar Cry, Lunar Roar - can't recall the name exactly) from Final Fantasy 8. Was this intentional?
Sequel?
Holy shit.
3074496 I think the thing that made this great was the lack of context. The not knowing what's going on really adds to the sense of the story.
Well, that was neat. As somebody who's written "epic battles of destiny"--at great length--I found this take to be unique and engaging. I'm not completely sure how I feel about the ending; I certainly got a sense of an ending, but at the same time, it felt open. I think the story did its job quite well, because it left me with a lot of questions that are good questions, but don't really need answering. It definitely feels original, and I'm glad I took the time to read it.
However, I felt the story had its edge dulled by numerous minor stylistic things, objectively speaking. Nothing serious, of course, but I'd like to address them, because I believe the story can be even better than it is with some adjustments. First is the excessive use of short, usually one sentence paragraphs. When added with an eyedropper, these can add great effect to your story. I felt they were used far too often. In a story of this size, I suggest only using them once or twice, lest they lose their impact.
Next is Burly Detective Syndrome. In multiple places, it was used quite needlessly. In most cases, it will do nothing more than debilitate your prose. It takes an expert eye to know when to use something instead of a gender pronoun or the character's name to identify when they're talking or what they're doing. On the topic of diluting prose, words such as "very", "suddenly", and "then" are often not needed. Most narrative occurances can be either changed to something more evocative or removed entirely with no loss to your sentences. To round this section out, I feel that in a story of this weight, contractions in the narrative are too informal. Obviously, there isn't any hard and fast rule dictating whether or not you should use them, but they definitely influence the story's tone, and contractions in this case come off as too weak for its subject matter.
Beyond that, it's just small things. I noticed a couple places where the passive voice was used where I feel active would have served better, but it was nothing huge. One thing that really drove me up the wall was use of "buck" as a swear word. If you think about it canonically, it makes no sense at all, and looks downright stupid. Bucking is a job and a way of life. It'd be on a similar wavelength to calling dairy farmers "cowfuckers". I know many people will disagree with me on this point, but please, at least think about what I've said. It really annoys me when I see it used in a serious piece. Luckily, I was into the story just enough for it not to completely shatter my immersion. On the topic of things people will disagree with me about (this one is completely headcanon), I'm against calling Derpy Hooves Ditzy Doo. Why? Because of this. Again, that last point is just my headcanon, and is a completely subjective criticism that I can't fault anybody for.
I hope you find my feedback useful. Remember that it's a lot of little things adding up that amount to many tiny specks of dirt on an otherwise good story.
3075401 I don't have much time right now, but I'd like to react to two of your points. First, thanks for the review.
1. Buck as a swear word.
If you think about it, a great few expressions, city names, and pony names make no sense without the context of real life. Buck is similar. I see it as the pony version of "freaking"--a mild, if confusing, alternative to an actual expletive.
2. Ditzy Doo
We don't know that's Ditzy. In fact, many show-writers have stated they intended for Ditzy to be who we know as Derpy. I just assumed Twilight was smart enough to send a different pegasus.
That... That was powerful.
This was beyond impressive. I hope you don't mind... But I'm adding this to Twilight's Library.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I think the only thing that bugged me about this was the whole bubble universe thing you have set up with the stars going out(In the show they live in a regular universe), but other than that, it's certainly something new.
3075494
You're welcome. Remember that most of my critique is nitpicks on style and mechanics. I tried to keep most it objective, though. I essentially have a professional-level eye for most things in the mechanics category, which is why I'm almost always able to draft up a laundry list pretty quickly. What's most important is that you have a good idea and overall clean writing. Most of this stuff can just be learned via rulebooks and style guides, which only takes time and patience.
I understand what you're saying about using real world influences for things in the MLP universe, but buck as a swear word still doesn't make sense. See, it's because the word already has a canon function, which is to kick something with your hind legs. In English, swear words typically have to do with a bodily function or something sexual (be it an act or body part), rather than a violent action. In a world where it's a type of farming profession, it wouldn't be used negatively like that. Words have connotations, and bucking would have a positive one in Equestria, because it puts money in the saddlebags and food on the table. Not to mention its use as a swear word is exclusively (bad) fanon. Turn to the canon for swear words. There are plenty. I believe "horse apples" is the worst of the lot. I'm surprised they allowed to put it in, because horse apples is actually real-world slang term for horse shit.
On the second point, I made sure to mention it was exclusively my headcanon. I'm aware of how she's labeled by the show staff, but nothing's completely concrete. I think it was mentioned somewhere that Ditzy was originally intended to be a different hoers, but I'm too tired to dig up the source for that. Again, it's headcanon.
3075803
Do we know that? From the show, we know that Equestria is on a round planet, and that the constellations are apparently the same as on our Earth. But this does not preclude a Ptolemian cosmos, with fixed Earth in the center, the Sun and the Moon going around it, and stars and planets circling further out on their own orbits.
Damn that was amazing. I can imagine so many things that could be. The elements fighting, Discord helping, maybe almost getting subverted by what they are fighting, then having a change of heart until he's knocked unconscious or even, maybe dead. Then Spike somehow getting power to protect his friends until the last minute when they finally overcome evil and Celestia's sun rises...the red moon makes me worry though. It seems like Luna called for help but, the stars going out and the moon going red...almost makes me think she didn't make it...The sun rising late may be Celestia grieving...
i330.photobucket.com/albums/l436/elc1247/1225540868890.jpg
Okay, I'm one of those stupid guys who doesn't catch on to subtle shit unless it's pointed out to him. I'm extremely confused about what I just read and I don't particularly like stories that just leave me confused. I mean, yeah, the flashes obviously represent the mane 6 (with Twilight exempt for whatever reason, unless I missed that part.) but what was up with the pillars of fire? and the dragon? and Discord? are the Mane 6 dead? Is Luna dead? I NEED ANSWERS DAMMIT.
There was some good tension, but it was too vague to be properly threatening and too detailed to be creepy. I got a great sense of the characters, but the events they are reacting to felt more like an excuse for them to be there than a proper plot.
Seems my opinion is not unique. It was well-written, so I'll refrain from voting.
3076280
I think the implication is that they won, but it was a really hard-fought battle and they used everything they did to win, and in the end Luna and Celestia were both exhausted to the point where they couldn't raise the sun, so they had to recuperate to do so.
I'll be honest, it bothers me not knowing what actually happened. I realize that's the whole point, but still. I mean, sure, the sun came back, but how are the mane six doing? Did Celestia and Luna make it out okay? Will the freaking stars ever come back? It's not a bad story, neat idea and all, but it kinda leaves this lingering, unpleasant taste with me.
Chiming in for the 'This was great, but now that my curiosity is piqued, I want to know WHAT HAPPENED' because its so tantalizing!
Edit : Actually, I decided to go read it again to see if I could figure out what happened. Guess is in the next reply!
3076280>>3076405
Here's what I think happens :
TLDR version will be at the bottom.
Cheerilee sees fighting going on - the first glint she sees is Applejack channeling her element, each time getting stronger.
Next, there's the Rainboom on the hill where everyone is there; Rainbow Dash attacks, but we don't know what, and it ultimately fails.
Next we see Green & Blue battling, and this is arguably where we get a hint of whose involved - Green is Chrysalis, Blue is Cadance.
Discord steps in and does something - but ultimately is taken down, and that's when the shadow starts appearing. Here is where seeming Villain #2 is in - which is likely either Sombra or the Nightmare. Will return to this later, but note that whatever it is takes down Discord.
Next we have the pillars of flame - this is the one thing I'm unsure of the source for. We know the Elements of Harmony are involved, we can suspect Cadance means Shining Armor, and a possible Celestia/Luna/Spike still only makes 11 ponies. Philomena could make 12, Discord 13, but that's still short - so I'm unsure at who caused this.
Ultimately, though, the only one who remains is Spike - he fights, but he too is eventually quashed.
Next we see the moon turn red, and white shapes flying off the moon. This is almost certainly Luna invoking the full moon's power in some kind of desperate gambit - like pulling the pure light from the moon and hurling it into the darkness. The darkness swallows much, but not all of it.
Then the stars start glowing harder - Luna again, having exhausted hte moon, is drawing on the stars.
Next the Elements strike - Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy. Applejack. Rarity. Applejack lasts longest, and Rarity is quashed almost instantly.
And we know something bad happened to Rarity, because now Spike is ANGRY. This is where Spike goes full-on rage mode - whatever the darkness is, he's going all out on it. And they go back and forth - but eventually, Chrysalis strikes again - the dull green light - and Spike, distracted/injured, is quashed. This also suggests two enemies, again.
Now we have the battle taking a new turn - Dark Blue, Magenta, Silver Blue - Luna, Cadance, Twilight - against the mysterious darkness and the green of Chrysalis. Dinky sees the different shade of purple - Shining Armor, trying to defend his sister, his wife, and his Princess - but he's simply outmatched here, and whatever the dark entity is takes him down.
The Dark entity removes Cadance, leaves Twilight almost out of commission. Luna is left alone to contest the darkness, though Twilight keeps struggling to fight.
And then the darkness strikes; Luna falls; the stars go out.
Twilight taps into the full reserves of her magic and basically does the white-eye thing; she's fully rechared, either from her own reserves or a last contribution from everypony else. She goes against Chrysalis, takes her down - though we can't see the dark entity, because there's no light.
Time passes, and finally, the sun rises - late, but suggests they won.
Through all this, one pony is notably missing - Celestia. There is never any golden flares of magic, and if Luna and Cadance are there, why wouldn't she be as well?
Furthermore, the Dark Entity is strong enough to take down Discord by itself, as well as quash everything thrown against it to the point of taking on Luna when Luna is drawing on everything she has - and winning.
This point to the Dark Entity being Celestia - and as its wielding Darkness, I would hypothesize she's been taken over by the Nightmare, and instead of the popular Solar Flare / Burning Sun / what have you, she's become pure darkness.
Hence why she can take out Discord so easily - Nightmare Moon is more powerful than Celestia without the Elements, a Nightmare Celestia would be even stronger; and further, she is aided by Chrysalis throughout it all, who seems to have fed on -something- given how powerful she is throughout the fight.
The battle rages back and forth, and Celestia in particular keeps striking ponies down; the only one to ever really make headway on her is Spike & Luna - Luna's moon-rays managing to pierce the darkness somewhat, and Spike's rage over Rarity causing him to hold her off until Chrysalis backstabs him.
But in the end, it comes down to Twilight - Twilight, who quashes Chrysalis, and ultimately cleanses her mentor - but it leaves Celestia so exhausted at being freed of control that it takes her a long time to be able to reach out and raise the sun once more. Yet, the sun says that she -has- been saved; Equestria will not fall to whatever had managed to ensnare the Princess in its clutches.
As to what did, as said earlier, the Nightmare is the most likely culprit, with option two being Chrysalis somehow finding some way to pull Celestia under her will - the reason the Nightmare seems more likely is a Changeling-Snared Celestia would likely still have either golden magic, or green magic if some kind of transformation were involved.
TLDR Version : Celestia has fallen to corruption of some kind and teamed up with Chrysalis. The Mane 6, Spike, Luna, Discord, SA & Cadance are struggling against them. The battle rages with both sides getting the upper hand at times, but ultimately Celestia in particular takes everyone down - until Twilight goes Super Saiyan, first defeats Chrysalis, and then saves Celestia, who once she's recovered a bit, raises the sun.
3072679
Well I look forward to the story of the other side of this then~
If you want help with editing, proofreading or anything, just let me know!
I would be happy to help should the need arise.
But... What was actually happening, with the lights and stuff? It's so confusing...
3072695>>3072763>>3072972>>3073025 Thanks a ton, everyone! And to everyone else who commented complimenting the story: I'm not going to reply to every ordinary "Nice story" comment because I just spent an hour sending thank-yous to favoriters.
3074372 Sorry, never played Final Fantasy.
3075401 Again, thanks very much for the feedback! Short sentences and words like "suddenly" are kinda my big weaknesses in storytelling, I agree. 'S part of the reason I generally stick to scripts. More focus on what happens and less on exactly how it happens.
3075636 That's no problem! Thanks!
3075803 In this corner, you have science. In the other, you have sonic rainbooms, dark matter pegasi, and this 'ere critter, this, uh, "Pinkie Pie".
3076129 Well, again, I just liken "buck" to "freaking"--I might say something is freaking insane, even though the only reason I would is that it sounds like another swearword. Sound familiar?
3076146 To be fair, the only witness to the round world was a pony with a cup of pudding on her head.
3076371 Well, I knew when writing it that it wouldn't be everyone's cup o' tea. Sorry you didn't get more enjoyment out of it!
3076280 3076589 While I get that the story might have been 'better' had it been a bit clearer, it would have been a very different story, and not the one I wanted to write.
3077310 While there are a few big points that are wrong (and a few points that I wish I'd thought of), you've done really remarkably here. Almost everything you said is at least half-right.
3077673 Thanks! I'll keep that in mind. Reading Sunny Dawn's speculation actually makes me pretty excited to write a sidestory, honestly.
3077935
Two responses:
blogs.sfweekly.com/exhibitionist/SC_47_MLPFiM-15_08_SoapboxMagic.jpg
2.bp.blogspot.com/-28KuGxB_9v4/T1xjnOf2l0I/AAAAAAAAiLQ/ggWe_MVuwx8/s1600/1+%25282%2529.jpg
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/2/29/Spike_oooh_globe_S2E10.png
Taken within context with various other parts of the series(And comics-Especially the comics), One can argue that yes, they are in a regular universe, with access to a branch of science called "Magic", and most certainly don't live in a snowglobe.
But that's just me. Never personally cared for bubble universe settings because my mind always automatically goes to "And they were stuck there, forever."
I imagine it must be quite terrifying to fall into a lake when its pitch black dark. Especially if you can't feel a bottom. Which side is up, especially if you are panicking?
3077935
Heh, no problem. Just focus on what we've discussed next time you write a story during your second draft. It's all about incremental improvement; because writing is an art form, there is no "max level" to reach.
3077956 Note that shortly after making her speech Twilight was crushed by an anvil.
3077310
That right their makes the most sense.
And if it's true, means that Twilight is going to be a very lonely pone.
3077935
Sure thing! It would be absolutely no trouble at all!
You have no idea how excited I am to hear that!
CAN. NOT. WAIT.
3077894 I don't get it either.
3075803 Perhaps just the light was taken from the stars' emitted energy.
Although that would imply quite a bit of long-ranging power on the behalf of Luna/the element bearers. Perhaps the planet they are on is in a tight-ish star cluster?
Well now, this is surprising. I don't think I've ever been a bystander for an entire story before, but the experience was pretty refreshing. I love the mystery, and I find it wonderful that the conflict itself is open to interpretation. Even if we're not there, in the thick of it, we can still feel the tension rising, and the payoff is just the same. The sun rose, and suddenly I could breath again. The characters are interesting as well, and I enjoyed slipping into each of their perspectives as the story unfolded.
While others may find the lack of closure a bit off putting, I think the ending suited the story. It didn't seem to be so much about the battle as it did the characters and how they reacted to it, how they felt during this whole important, yet alien occurrence. I liked that about the story.
In fact, I liked nearly everything about it. This was a good story.
Thumbs up. Good job author.
3078551
I don't think any of them died, if that is what you mean. Just that they were out of commission.
WOW, really good story. Kept me on edge the entire time. Enjoyed how the story almost had a different ending. Enjoyed your story telling techniques. Keep it up and would like to read what that battle was about and who they were fighting.
I don't think that I've seen a bystander fic before, so awesome job!
I kinda like that we don't know what's really going on, so we kinda get into the minds of the ponies on the hill: confused, worried, and scared. It does have the problem of bouncing around with the perspective or letting it go around too quick. But really, beyond that it was a lot of fun to read.
3077310 WOAH.
Cool story.
I don't think I've encountered quite the like before. Normally when I don't know what's going on, it's either suspenseful or frustrating. This was interesting.
3077310 That was an excellent theory, all around. I like to think that the darkness was Sombra, whose power we really have no measure of. Chrysalis has been shown to be capable of defeating Celestia so maybe it was her early defeat that prompted the unification of everyone else against those two. I assume the red moon was Lunas' demise and the power of the stars was Celestias' final assault. I guess another idea of mine, which could easily be shot down because of the roar, is that the green fire was Chrysalis. Wouldn't surprise me at all if she sided with the larger group at a shot for survival. Darkhorses are Trixie being a shade of blue, Sunset Shimmer being a source of the fire and
Starswirl being involved in anyway shape or form (Which is just another thought because of the power being drawn from the stars. I guess his name just hints at that form of attack. Or maybe I'm just being dumb.) It wouldn't surprise me at all if Trixie threw herself into the fray, with or without the amulet, at a shot at making an impact in the fight, only to be disposed of by one of the villains. Sunset Shimmer, for me, is actually a plausible choice. Being an ex student of Celestias' calling her in for help wouldn't be too odd.
3075494 Seriously, this little story was worthy of being put into a video game, much like a book in Skyrim or as a side story in something along the lines of dark Souls. You turned what probably would have been a cheesy battle against evil in a actual episode into something that I can't keep out of my head. I seriously paced the length of my apartment about ten times just imagining what was happening in that fight and that depiction of the battle was incredible. I may be a nerd for lore, but I've never seen anything like this outside of Dark Souls. It was original, well written and that open ending was perfect. If you do ever make a sequel, don't tell me about it because this story is perfect as it is. A sequel would suck the mystery right out of this story. I would read it, but the speculation and the lack of info makes this story great.
3076589 You probably shouldn't play Dark Souls.
3087580
Isn't there, like, a whole bunch people who've spent an insane amount of effort piecing together what that game is all about?