*This story is an alternate take on Season 2 Episode 8: The Mysterious Mare Do Well*
The Mare Do Well scheme has backfired and Rainbow Dash has fled Ponyville believing that her friends had planned to humiliate her. What will it take for Rainbow Dash to realize her friends' true intentions?
Author's notes:
This is my very first fim fiction and I don't really write fiction that often. Please understand if my story is not up to par.
This story was partially inspired by Company of Heroes: Tales of Valor
Chapters (3)
Interesting. Tracked, my friend.
Good! If I may add, Dash can also say somethng like: "You didn't even considered, dunno, ASKING me first? Like, "hey, Dash, you kinda brag and boast too much, tone it down please? " Instead, five of you together desided to teach me a lesson of... what exactly? LESSON OF HUMILIATION!? Because I really helped ponies! Saved them and all that, and I did it before, and will do it after, your so-called Mare-Do-Well will disappear soon, unlike me... oh, scratch that, you don't want me as a hero, so DO IT YOURSELVES!"
...just like that? Oh man, that's too short and way too 'sweet'. Don't forgive them so easily!
174114 You are awesome!
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I know
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This is my little pony fanfic after all. It might make an interesting story, but they didn't mean to insult her per say and the in the show it's never really implied that there is much unhappiness for long. You have a valid point though I think, it could be drawn out a little longer for suspense/effect/etc.
hope this gets more chapters
There's a couple problems with this story that make it hard to take seriously.
In the first chapter, why does Twilight, upon seeing an angry friend flying off angrily, immediately act as if Rainbow is so emotionally unbalanced that she would hurt herself? She seemed furious, not suicidal. It feels like you were going for "Twilight doesn't have enough social experience to know to give her some space", which would have been perfectly fine and rather true to her character as a former social recluse, but if you were going for that, it didn't come through all the way. Maybe having Rarity be a little more forceful, and insist on giving Rainbow at least some time to herself would work better. Having everyone start searching after a day or so might seem harsh to us fans who love Rainbow, but it would be the logical thing for all the ponies involved, especially the weather team, who I have a hard time believing would drop everything to go looking for somepony who has only been missing for an hour or so.
Next problem: Rainbow may be the element of Loyalty, but that doesn't mean she's loyal to everyone at all times, no exceptions. She stopped being Gilda's friend when she thought Gilda had been a horrible friend, and that didn't cause her to be discorded. It feels like the same thing happened here: Rainbow was betrayed, so it makes perfect sense for her to feel horrible, but she didn't betray anyone, so why would she be discorded? In short, take out the Gray Rainbow, as it makes no sense, but leave the feeling miserable.
Third problem, your way of getting Rainbow to go back to her friends; Sylvia's story just doesn't make sense as a "feel better" story. She mentions how a friend accidentally wronged her, by losing something, and she forgave him for something he accidentally did. But Rainbow's friends did something hurtful on purpose, which should by all rights be a totally different thing. But that's not the least if the problems with this; Sylvia breaks through what you've written as a Discordifcation with a two-minute pep talk. Most people, especially those who feel they have been betrayed the way Rainbow feels, take more than that to go from "I used to have friends, but they turned against me" to "I'd better apologize". In my hopefully humble opinion, this would make more sense over a couple days, with Rainbow slowly explaining how badly she'd been hurt by her friends, and Sylvia helping her through it.
Final problem, as you've written this, it's Sylvia's story, not Rainbow's. While it's fine to have an OC take center stage, it feels wrong to have the set-up for the story be about Rainbow, and then spend your entire chapter on a somewhat-random OC who solves all the problems effortlessly in a minute or two. Also, the "normal-human" naming scheme feels really weird, but then again, it always does with this fandom. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Sylvia reeks of being a Mary Sue, which, on the off-chance you don't know, is a boring, too-perfect character that tends to be a substitute for the author. If you feel this needs fixing, I think you have two choices.Option 1: tell the story completely from Rainbow's point of view, perhaps with Rainbow spotting her, watching how happy she is, and maybe bitterly wondering when Sylvia's friends are going to betray her as well. Option 2: Make the entire thing Sylvia's story, with Rainbow being a side character that she helps. Option 2 would mean you'd have to cut out all the Ponyville sections, which honestly wouldn't be that great a loss, but you'd also need a stronger conflict than "my friend made an honest mistake that he tried to make up for". What that conflict is would be up to you, but if I can make a suggestion, maybe have Sylvia be unreasonable about him losing it, thinking he'd done it on purpose, then talking to Rainbow, seeing what real betrayal looks like and where lack of forgiveness leads, then learning a lesson and forgiving her own friend.
By the way, did you ever say why Rainbow chose to come to this exact place? Even a simple line about how she picked a random direction would be better than nothing.
Please take this in the spirit it's given, as constructive criticism. I'm trying to help you. Don't be one of those people who throws criticism away because they feel it attacks them; instead, read this over, think about, and if you disagree and choose to ignore my advice, then at least you're open to other's input, which would already make you a better person than so many others.
Best of luck with your future works.
174887 Actually, I put discorded Rainbow in there as a symbol to describe how she feels about friends at that time, rather than reflect on what she had done. Notice how she reverts back to her original form when she suddenly realizes how important her friends actually are to her.
I actually thought that it would be clear that Rainbow was flying in a random direction when the story mentions that she didn't know where she was going and she didn't care. It happened to be, by chance, that she ended up in Fillydelphia.
Wait until I release the next few chapters. You'll see why this is a "Rainbow" story and not a "Sylvia" story. You'll also see why I felt it was important to introduce Sylvia.
Everything else I agree with. My story does seem a bit weak, I have to acknowledge that. I would have written something deeper for Sylvia but by that time I had already written the scene where Briggs gives Sylvia her study guide and changing her story would probably mean rewriting that scene, which I didn't want to have to do. So I felt that Sylvia's memory was set in stone at that time.
I'm not that good with pony names so that's why I used normal-human names by the way. I tried my best to make them feel close to the pony world.
I might try to re-write this story but I'll need to finish it first, I hope you understand that.
Thanks for your advice, although I have to admit, I felt discouraged when I read it
I understand how you feel. I put my stories on hiatus/cancelled some of them for doing a story that I found easier to write. Only one or two have had this happen, but yeah... While I am saddened, it is your decision and I am not holding anything against you.
Bro, this was actually pretty god, you just had a run of bad luck my friend. Write more stories, and come back to this when you have the followers. My first story is the same way.
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Thanks. That means a lot coming from you
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I really loved this story...
I wish you would continue this story, but I do understand if you don't have inspriation, I have that problems too