It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in Canterlot as the immortal Princess of the Sun wandered aimlessly through the castle gardens. This was a day the likes of which she hadn't experienced in nearly 1200 years. It was a day off, the first of many.
Since Nightmare Night two weeks ago, Princess Luna had been requesting, quite insistently, that she be allowed to assume at least a few royal duties, and Celestia had gratefully acceded to her requests. When Luna had suggested that she could handle the court on the weekends, which were usually lighter than during the week, she had thought it a wonderful idea, and had been as supportive and encouraging as she could be. It pleased her to no end to see Luna wanting to become an active member of Equestrian society once more, and she felt that this would be an excellent way for her to both acquaint herself with, and introduce herself to, their subjects. While she had been making preparations to turn over the reins of government to her sister, she had thought she had considered every last detail, but it appeared that she had forgotten one. She had made no plans for herself, and found herself without anything to do.
She couldn’t even visit her School for Gifted Unicorns since they did not hold classes on the weekends and she had not made any previous arrangements for a visit. This sad thought made her wish, as she had been doing rather frequently of late, that Twilight Sparkle still resided in the castle. In the past, whenever she found herself with a block of sudden free time, like when appointments cancelled or meetings concluded early, she would visit Twilight and surprise her with some new book or spell. These unscheduled visits had always been a special treat, not just for Twilight, who never seemed capable of believing that Celestia would show her such attention, but for Celestia herself, who found the time spent with the lavender unicorn to be extremely precious.
Each of her visits, with few exceptions, began the same way. Celestia would knock on the door, Twilight would say that she could enter, and Celestia would walk in to find a distracted Twilight Sparkle with her nose buried in a book, or sometimes several. But no matter how many times it had happened before, Twilight always responded in the same way. She would gasp loudly, spring from the bed or cushion she was lying on, and begin desperately trying to tidy up her room, apologizing profusely for the mess, even if there wasn't one to speak of. One of the things that Celestia found most endearing about her faithful student was her stubborn refusal to believe that there was anything special about her. No matter how high grades were, or how well she performed on evaluations, or how many new spells she mastered, she never seemed able to believe that she was worthy of Celestia’s time or attention.
This was both a blessing and a curse from her perspective. On one hoof, this insatiable desire for her approval meant that Twilight had pushed herself far harder, and therefore gone much further, than any other unicorn of her generation. On the other hoof, this meant that Twilight was almost incapable of relaxing around Celestia and seeing her for the living, feeling pony that she actually was. Her most faithful student was also her most ardent worshipper, and Celestia wished, at times, that it was possible for this to change. Suddenly, she had an idea. Since she found herself without any duties to perform, not only on this weekend, but for at least the next three weekends barring any Luna related disasters, she would invite Twilight Sparkle to Canterlot to catch up and talk with her favorite pupil.
Careful not to let her eagerness show--her subjects had definite expectations after all--she began the lengthy walk to her chambers. The gardens were one of the few places in the castle where she could be alone without her guards objecting, so when she entered the castle, two ponies in gilded armor began to follow her at a respectful distance.
Despite her desire to write to Twilight Sparkle as soon as possible, she couldn't help but feel a spark of interest in just how well, or poorly, Luna was handling her court. She therefore took a route that would lead her past the throne room where, if all was going well, Luna would be receiving petitioners. She was happy to find that, although there appeared to be a line leading into the throne room, there was a distinct lack of shouting, panicking, and the Royal Canterlot Voice. This in mind, she considered herself, and the ponies before her, lucky, that the only repercussion of Luna’s taking over was a minor increase in waiting times. Satisfied that Equestria would indeed survive her absence for a day or two, she continued to her chambers with a clear conscience.
Once inside her room, and alone once more, she summoned a quill, parchment, and ink to her familiar spot before the fire. She needed to be careful with the phrasing of this letter because unlike in letters past, this was not meant as an order, but as a request, even though she doubted anything she said would make Twilight see it that way.
To my most faithful student.
Twilight, I am writing this letter to invite you to spend today and tomorrow as my personal guest in Canterlot. The reason for this invitation is nothing dire, so you may stop worrying. Thanks to your assistance on Nightmare Night, Princess Luna has decided that she would like to start taking a more active role in governing Equestria, and I find myself in the unusual situation of having no commitments for this weekend. Given the suddenness of this invitation, I understand if you are otherwise engaged, but if you are interested, please feel free to reply with the times that are most convenient, and I will make sure to arrange transportation.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
She inspected the letter, and hoped that Twilight would actually believe that the invitation was not compulsory. Sealing the letter, she drew on her magic and watched as the scroll burst into emerald green flames. Knowing Twilight Sparkle, she would not have to wait long for a response, whatever her decision. She was not disappointed, for barely a minute later, she received a reply in Spike’s familiar writing.
Dear Princess Celestia.
I would be honored to spend the weekend with you in Canterlot, and I can be ready within the hour. I would like to return by tomorrow evening if convenient, but I can extend my stay if need be.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
Celestia smiled with a mixture of joy and sadness. Twilight had agreed to her invitation, but Celestia doubted that she had simply had both days completely free. She didn’t want Twilight to feel forced into accepting her invitation, and with any luck, she thought hopefully, she could explain that to her faithful student this weekend.
Whatever her reasons for accepting, she thought, the decision had been made, so the least she could do was not keep Twilight waiting. She rang a bell summoning a serving pony who bowed respectfully as she entered.
“You rang, your Highness?”
“Yes, please rise.” She waited while the lime green earth pony rose. “I need for a chariot to be dispatched to Ponyville to pick up the unicorn Twilight Sparkle and bring her here, and for somepony to ensure that her chambers are fit for use.”
“Of course, your Highness. Will that be all?”
“Yes, that should be sufficient,” Celestia said with a smile. There were more preparations to make, but she wanted to handle those herself. It had been far too long since she had spent any personal time her student, and she wanted to enjoy their time together while she could.
The servant gave another polite bow before hurrying from the chamber, and Celestia started to create a checklist of things she wanted for this weekend. As she began her mental inventory, she decided to start heading for the Library, because if there was one thing that she knew for certain, it was that no visit from Twilight would be complete without books.
looking good, but try to make the chapter longer, also change the description its too plane and short
2242079
Believe it or not, I didn't actually expect this to get any viewers yet... I finished what was basically meant as a prologue, and wrote a basic description because I wanted to submit it for approval before going to bed. My intent was to get up in 7 hours and write a longer full description, but it appears that by submitting it to groups, I managed to basically cut out the approval process... Whoops.
First: *squee* Finaly a new Twilestia Story without Clop(Not that I don't like it but Clop kills mostly the Romance for me)
Second: Interesting Start, I hope to Read more of it soon, will the New Chapters be Longer or will they stay that way?
Another budding Twilestia story. Please do continue, this story's got a good start.
Who has two thumbs and read your blog post? Not this guy, because I only have one thumb. Long story.
Anyway, here's some very minor nit-picky stuff:
- Do you think 'school for gifted unicorns' would be capitalized? It sounds like the actual name for the place. Not sure though.
- "... or meeting concluded early," -- plural.
- "she would knock on the door, Twilight would say that it she could enter..." -- that line was confusing.
- "This was both a blessing and a curse from Celestia's perspective." -- we're in Celestia's perspective, so you could simply omit that thought tag.
- "Careful not to let her eagerness show, her subjects...," -- the 'her subjects' reads like a parenthetical digression, so the em dash would work great here.
- "Satisfied that the Equestria would indeed survive..."
- “Of course, your Highness,” she said respectfully. “Will that be all?” -- I'm reading it as a quick spoken line, so maybe a comma after respectfully. By the way, you don't even need respectfully there. The line itself (and the preceding context of being a serving pony and all) is sufficient to infer that she's being kind, courteous, and respectful.
Now for some general impressions:
- I like your style, I really do. It's sophisticated. It's polished. It's exactly what you'd expect out of Celestia's perspective. Deep, complex thoughts with an easy flow. That's her, isn't it?
- With that said I'm not exactly sure how to judge the internal monologue, not without the context of another chapter or two. If we stay firmly within this stream of consciousness--this deep penetration of Celestia's perspective--I believe it will become too much.
I doubt that's where you're headed though. Maybe we have a POV change coming up; maybe we switch to a lighter penetration of Celestia's perspective. Either way, I feel, as a reader, that I'm being set up for a strong scene.
I hope this was decent. Constructive criticism is both rare and difficult to give, and I'm not much a writer to begin to with.
That, and there wasn't much to point out. This is a solid start.
Good start... a few errors here and there but nothing major. Very readable and it seems enjoyable so far.
Continue as you have began and I think you have a fine story here.
I felt that this chapter was a little removed from the main conflict, which you described as Celestia coming to terms with her isolation through Twilight. I could be wrong.
Upvote to agree, downvote to disagree.
2242713
Among my readers, I rank you first(sorry everyone else), for I found your criticisms to be extremely constructive, both grammatically and emotionally. If it weren't for readers like you, I might come to the completely erroneous conclusion that my writing is perfect, and I would hate for that to happen. I believe that I have addressed each of your points, except possibly for the third, where I replaced the pronouns with the characters' names. Thank you for your considerate post, and I'm sorry about your thumb.
2242868
Allow me to be the first to agree with your assessment(in fact, I was). It is my intent to re-rewrite the description to better reflect the actual plot of the story. The current description was a hastily improvised replacement for the incredibly lackluster description I wrote at 10:00 P.M. before intending to go to bed. I was amazed, however, by the speed with which people started to view this, so I felt the need to do something about the description. I'm sorry that it doesn't quite match expectations, but I do hope to rectify that.
2242777
Thank you, and please, don't hesitate to either comment on, or message me about, any errors(I feel like there should be a comma here) on my account. Few things please me more than to discover ways in which to improve my work.
2242489
First off, thanks for commenting. Secondly, I don't think that I could write clop if my life depended on it, which I desperately hope it never will. Finally, it really depends on what you mean by longer. The chapters I've written in my other stories tend to run between 2.5-3.5 thousand words, but the real determinant is where I want to transition between perspectives. I might consider combining multiple POV's into single chapters, but I can't say for certain right now.
I think Celestia should've visited Twilight in Ponyville.
Checklists ... sweet sweet checklists ...
I wonder if Twilight corrupted Celestia or did Celestia corrupt Twilight? ...
2242713"This was both a blessing and a curse from Celestia's perspective" shows that it is Celestia's opinion and Celestia's opinion only. Using a pronoun instead of a name would be ideal, but the sentence should be kept.
As for decent, you're a fantastic critic. The nitpicks in particular help make the story flow better, and some of them I would've missed. Then again I'm off-job right now
2247295
You're right; you're both right. A 'her' would fit in perfectly.
Thanks everyone for your comments. I hope to have the next chapter up today, or perhaps tomorrow, but it shouldn't be too long in any case.
2247385 and 2247295
I see what you both mean. If I use her name, it sounds like I am switching to a third-person omniscient narrative because, by being so precise in identifying whose perspective was being discussed, it made it sound like the narrator and Celestia were different entities. I guess what I am trying to say is that, by pointing out whose perspective was being described, it allowed for the possibility that it was someone's other than Celestia's, which doesn't make sense in this narrative mode.
P.S. It's back, but this time, with pronouns.
2248621
I'm glad to hear it. I think that for at least the next chapter, I'm going to be sticking with Celestia for a rather simple reason. I have far more flexibility in writing Celestia because she is the character about whose thoughts less is known. Twilight's thoughts are, at times, completely beyond comprehension,(i.e. Lesson Zero)so rather than trying to switch to Twilight's perspective right now and risk complaints of being OOC, I will take the simpler, and hopefully safer, route of following Celestia. Unfortunately, I do believe that Twilight deserves to have some light cast into the dark recesses of that convoluted, yet adorkable, mind of hers. Celestia may be the main POV character, but expect at least some Twilight-centric chapters as well.
2246802
IMHO, I believe that Celestia 'corrupted' Twilight, in that Celestia tries to keep a relatively organized schedule and prefers to have a list of things she is looking for before she goes looking for them. However, I also believe that it is impossible for anypony to live up to the incredibly high standard set by Twilight Sparkle when it comes to lists. So while Celestia's list might include such entries as 'snacks, books, and blankets(or something)' Twilight's list will have the types of foods, the exact quantities by recommended serving size and nutritional content, the books listed in alphabetical order by category, and the blankets(for example)by the ply count, material, color, and weight. Twilight takes what is reasonable to an unreasonable level.
2244927
I considered doing that, but the same problem arises as with the School for Gifted Unicorns. The unanticipated arrival of royalty tends to be a big deal, so I didn't think that she would want to simply drop in unannounced, but to organize an official reception would take too long. She just wants some time with her student without the fanfare and frippery.
2249375 if you need help writing from the perspective of an obsessive-compulsive, I assure you I can be of great assistance.
It is a really nice start in my opinion, and I like Celestia character in here.