Another HiE fic right? Yup. Spot on. Correct. Affirmative. No point denying it. In fact, it's generic as hell. Like, the only thing it's missing is a red and black alicorn and multiple inexplicable orgies. Actually, tell you what, before I kill my entire audience, read the rest of the description.
Knives, blood, parkor, games and ponies. Kind of a weird list of top 5 favorite things.
My name is Edward. And I am an assassin.
No. Not that Edward. And no, not that assassin. I mean an assassin/ninja/mercenary/thing. Get that? No? Well screw you, I have better things to do than explain it to you. Like explaining it to you.
Expect insanity, friendship and dragons. For reasons.
Anyhoo, I digress. As always. Digress is such a weird word isn't it? Oh wait. I'm doing it again. Digressing. Is that even a real word? Maybe. Huh. I suddenly have ADD. Weird. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Got to love that word. Means being opposed to disestablishmentarianism. Longest word in the English language it is. Not really. That goes to Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. I don't even know what that means. I'd google it if my iPod hadn't been fed to a dragon. Wait. I was saying something. Oh yeah, I'm in Equestria. How did I forget that? By digressing, that's how. Focus dammit. Equestria... Honored...Necronomicon... Oh yeah!
Well it all started on that operation...
Disclaimer: this is based off the world of Honored Service's story: the Equestrian Honor Guard, it contains gore, language, morals, some pretty dark underlying themes, sexual references, racism, sexism, Judaism, antidisenstablishmentarianism and some (kinda involuntary) shipping. Said shipping is heterosexual and has a reason for being there (and I can't just magic it away). If you dislike, please leave a reason for doing so. If you came for good writing and a well thought out plot, go somewhere else. This story is stupid. But it isn't (completely) random. Read this and its predecessor first, you need them to put the events in context. And anyway, they're just really good stories: Honor above all else Also, proper cover art is incoming. Eventually.
Yes, I had a bet that I could fit antidisestablishmentarianism into this description three times. I succeeded. You owe me 5 bucks. You know who you are.
Okay. A few things. *Put's glasses on*
I suggest editing a few things such as this.
The not they. Be careful.
Finally, Blood rage? If your trying to do something like that then you might not want to include it in the first chapter. So overall it needs some editing, and is a bit rushed. But I'll be watching.
*Whistles* Lot's of things in this one.
Screaming means he is saying it loudly in fear. Yelling is what you should've used.
Don't need to say anything to see the spelling is off.
existence is spelled wrong.
1. I don't think you should use this sentence. 2. Resident is spelled wrong.
Not sure if neglect or not.
These two need to something that pops out to the reader. Without anything like that, it's like someone is thinking and or saying it.
One it should be rolling, two; you NEVER actually use the text lingo unless there texting in the story, or if there saying it.
Ok, this isn't how you pull off a reference. Not only does it seem slightly lazy by breaking the fourth wall just a bit, but It would have been better if someone said it instead of doing these parenthesis.
spelled kilometers wrong, and there should be a comma, not a period.
Like I said quite a few, I know that I might seem like a flank-hole at the moment but these things were just bugging me.
I suggest finding an editor; and maybe a pre-reader or two.
2333949
No. They're just assassins. Who are badass.
2334097
Thank fuck I have a prereader now. Also the present thing was in italics. I'll get right on it.
2334097
I had to get it moving so I could upload it at some point. But thanks. Also, would you like to pre read as well? I already have someone else but the more the merrier,right? Right?
2335635
Sure why not, I love reading; hell, I make sure to ALWAYS check the form of writing in really good fanfictions so that way I can practice it. Plus, your story has a lot of potential.
2335588
Oh yeah. I'm also Australian so that would be why kilometres is "spelt wrong". I'll still "fix" it but, that's why.
good start. Slow it down just a little and don't be afraid to add some detail and more descriptions. Liking this so far.
"Ugh, you succeed at it too."I flopped back onto the ground next to Joel and rolled over. "Is it just me, or are the colors here a lot brighter than I remember?"
Add a space between the 'you succeed' and the following I.
was her best bet, even if was the one who caused it.
^HE was the one
2336014
Fixed. Question, are you planning on adding any massive explosions or similar events into your upcoming chapters? I kind of need to know to make this canon. Which I want to do.
2335822
I just replied to myself. Fuck logic. And I've done it again.
2338251 well there is going to be a massive fight between everyone's favorite human and Day Terror. Expect great big balls of magic explosions. And in chap 34 hand grenade explosions
this.is.awesomesauce.
also, this has inspired me to write a fanfic,thanks!
2338684
Writing how these two ignored that is going to be fun. I lied. I think I can explain away the grenades, but the magical 'splosions, that's going to be a pain. I hope I can keep a good timeline in my head so 'I' don't hear/ see them two days later, or something. Also, please don't kill off Honored. That would crush half my ideas into the ground. Not to mention the plans I have for Sky.
2340469
Really? Thanks. It's great that I've somehow inspired someone to write a fanfic in the first two chapters of a story. Especially a story that was inspired by another.
Amazing chapter!
2383378
Thank you. This is where the story really begins.
2383522
Can't wait!
... This is... Nice?
2427156
(Awkward silence.)
...Thanks?
2429898 no problem?
(Waits for a few seconds)
More soon?
Finally get to see Joel's POV.
2430246
I'll try. Hopefully some by Monday. I have assignments to do now I'm off holidays. But I'll try.
I tried it with the music. I have no words. The combination was............an experience.
2434536
A disturbing one I hope.
I saw Johnsons name and I was like, instant win!
good finishing line there, reminded me of when a friend sneaked into my room in a slenderman costume and I pulled the pistol from under my pillow and almost shot him in the head, I realized it was my friend when he ducked under my line of fire screaming. Wimp
The internet is a strange and scary place 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m57xd65swZ1qjvxfho1_500.jpg
2435537
I cannot read this comment for some reason. How odd.
2435445
Damn straight you were. Honored is awesome.
Hold up there. Author's note; Why do you have a problem with females reading your fic?
2439959
I have no problem with it. From my experience with the opposite gender (which is a rather small amount) this story is generally more male oriented. But I have no problem with it. And now you will say something about mlp being more female oriented. So I will reply with: whatever. Anyway, more than 50% of the fandom is male. Rules #28,29 and 30: variations on "there are no girls on the Internet." And all that.
I am completely sane.
2440014
That answer is sufficient
2440048
Fucking hope so. Typing on an iPod sucks.
2439687
Just make sure to NOT say, "Can it get any worse?" or, "At least it can't get any worse." God and the universe only take that as a challenge
2440715
There shall be a lot of that.
2442070
You should have one of them respond "DAMMIT! THE UNIVERSE ONLY TAKES THAT AS A CHALLENGE!"
y u no write faster?
2473238
Because I had a 2000 word assignment that I needed to do in a week. And I need to find a prereader. And Joel has found time to play borderlands 2. So I can finally finish that. And I'm running out of ideas for filler. And honored is leaving for a few months without finishing HAAE. So I will begin to write flashbacks. Anyhow, the chapter should be finished by tonight. But unedited. Because honored has left. Oh, I also have very little time to write outside of the holidays. So expect tons of updates in 10 weeks or so.
And this comment is so long it's like a mini chapter.
I spotted one or two. The main one I can remember is that you put lager instead of larger when describing the plane incoming.
2475383
Don't worry, he's probably just Irish, German, Russian, or from the Check Republiuc
2476336
...
Wow
You do realise I've said I'm Australian multiple times right?
2477757
yes, I'm Irish mainly but partly Russian and a smidge German, so booze is in my blood. Berry punch and I would get along.
I'm just crazy in general as well
This is getting interesting now.
2479628
No. It gets interesting when honored comes back. So in 13 weeks. *sighs* that's when I can actually do something. But I'll have some fun messing with Luna.
2482340 You better do her justice.
2484639
I can try. And I hope I do. She is best pony after all.
This is pretty good as far as weapon poser's go, at least you name the weapons, not go "and that assassins blade from assassins creed". Still kinda crappy taught.