New brony and im loving it.
Trying to escape his past , Foggy Bay stumbles upon Ponyville where he is greeted better than most places within Equestria and the Griffon Kingdom. Estranged by the kindness he receives, he decides to stay. To everyone's confusion he spends his nights in the Ever Free Forest even after the Mane Six Offer him their home. Suspicion begins to grow within the town because of his odd behavior and the fact that he lives his life behind a black steel mask. What does he hide?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm a first timer so be gentle. Tell me if you like it if you don't. If you find grammar errors, well i did the best i could with the knowledge i have. I promise the story will get better.
dah fuq did i just read?
What race is the OC?
Or is it a secret?
Ok, Im not going to read this as it is, you need some spacing because right now its really irritating to my eyes,that wall of text is terrifying, I have this on watch later though so dont think im a hater or something.
The infamous wall of text, we meet again!
Ok, so mainly just a few formatting errors; the biggest being your dialogue. Every time a new character speaks, you give them a new paragraph.
I'll use an example from your story:
' Pinkie came closer to Fluttershy and hugged her, trying to calm her down she said, “Come on Fluttershy. It’s ok. Everything is fine.” “No, no, it’s not. We’re too far from town. No one will hear us scream for help and with no water; we can’t scare Mr. Cuddles away. I can’t talk to him he’s gone insane with rabies.” Fluttershy said between heaves. Pinkie let go of her and stepped back still near the butter color coated mare, still with concern in her eyes.'
The proper formatting of this would be:
'Pinkie came closer to Fluttershy and hugged her, trying to calm her down.
"Come on, Fluttershy. It's ok. Everything is fine."
"No, no, it's not. We're too far from town. No one will hear us scream for help with no water; we can't scare Mr. Cuddles away. I can't talk to him, he's gone insane with rabies," Fluttershy said within heaves.
Pinkie let go of her and stepped back still near the butter color coated mare, still with concern in her eyes.
I also fixed some minor grammatical errors as well. When you say a certain character said something after it has been said, you don't end the speech with a period. Rather, you use a comma (within the quotation marks just to clarify).
Story-wise, I don't see any progression from your description yet, but you have caught my interest. I look forward to reading it.
~IrOnPUdDiNg
1471413 you just read a bad start to a some what decent story.
sorry about the spacing. if it makes u feel better i spent an hour and a half trying to figure it out how to fix it. i think i fixed it. i think.
1472130
Not yet. Right now, you've got some stuff indented by varying amounts. And other paragraphs that are not indented at all. Though personally, I'd suggest using an extra line between paragraphs. Or both.
Using this chunk an example:
It should really look something more like one of these:
Extra line between paragraphs:
Every paragraph (except the very first in each chapter, but that one isn't in this quote) indented:
Indented and extra line between them:
1472130
Also, in that bit, you've got a few errors.
I'd suggest this guide. Has quite a lot of good advice and examples on grammar and formatting things.
The story has potential, I wasn't looking for any grammar mistakes but I don't think there were any in it anyways.
The OC needs to be... Wait for it... a MANTICORE LORD.
Sinister - Pentagram
I swear I've seen that picture on an album cover. I think it's Mastodon, but I don't really think so.
I'll hug you Mister Cuddles
Hahaha excellent my good sir wonderful i hope for a gory science or at least excessive violence
great i started attracting sadists. sigh. well i ll take what i can.
1486707 Your writting style if very unique. I like how you started the story. It offers a lot of intrigue that draws the reader in. Chapter Two, however, is what will make readers come back for more. Just remember to listen to the comments that the readers send you. Also, filter out the comments you read in order to come up with the best possible solutions to any problems that you might be having. If you need a consultant or if you need a proofreader, give me a heads up or just send me your facebook name (via this website) and we can talk then. I am very interested in how this story plays out.
I think I'll like this, and I shall read every chapter you post
Can't wait for the main character to be involved.
You know, the last comment on the first chapter was me saying,
That was a hell of a long time ago. Glad to see that you did continue it, and I'm rather surprised you did. As well as happy to see that our main protagonist has begun to take action.
This being picked up several years later has put me in a good mood.
While the paragraph structure is basically just everything was thrown to the side, I can still read it. I hope he dosen't play the pronoun game for too long.
I like this story.
6227823 pronoun game? Please kill my ignorance and enlighten me on this game you speak of.
6227994 Stuff like them and they. Like, "they did it". It happens in movies and such. Why can nobody ever be specific right at the start? I guess to build tension.
6228021 I mostly do it because I don't want to repeat the same name over and over. I try to make it clear who is speaking. My friend who helps me edit didn't point it out so I thought it was okay.
6228059 I meant more along the lines of actual dialogue. Like when the main character tries to explain who hurt him, the pronoun game would be him giving a vague answer like "them" or "They hurt me". When it's to reference who is talking, it can be ok as long as it isn't confusing. I didnt see any problems with this in your story. I'm just hoping you can avoid the pronoun game later on.
Do you think this will have another long wait time before more chapters come out?
6247677 I aiming at one chapter per year. Unlike my prier which was a chapter every 1.5 years. I should have the next chapter within the next two weeks. Emphasis on should.
6247725 Oh what a relief