After the changeling invasion, Princess Celestia realizes that far worse threats to Equestria may be out there, waiting to attack. Twilight Sparkle needs to learn a way to combat these threats without giving up who she is in the process. Enter Eclipse, a long-forgotten ally to Celestia and Luna both, whose magic may be just the thing Twilight Sparkle and Equestria needs.
AN: Okay, the OC... I won't tell you to give him a chance, because that's presumptuous. I just ask you to trust me.
Chapters (5)
This story is too good to have a pony creator image. I almost insta thumbed this down because of the alicorn OC on the front. You may have just screwed yourself with that.
Change your cover image, and your story will rock.
Right. This was my original thought process.
'Alicornn OC story with no dislikes? Time to tear it apart with friends!'
I open it up and I see.... Coherent writing, with decent grammar.
'Wut.. I... Okay, I'ma read through this.'
There are some issues to address. One, no scene breaks. USE HORIZONTAL LINE MAGN.
Two, You forget in almost every scene to set up the surroundings quickly. Some scenes are not even needed here. And some need expanding one.
Then.... -sigh- We get to the Alicorn OC... Celestia, help me.
I've seen worse. MUCH worse. But, you hit the general target of every alicorn OC, perfect appearance, blah, blah blah. At this point, I barely skimmed the rest. It killed any hope for me. Alicorn OCs are almost impossible to get approved on here. My advice. NU. Don't do it. Never do alicorn OCs. I can't stress enough, that is a bad idea. You could of gone somewhere with this story and dome much more without that.
Other then that... It was kinda bland. BUT. Look, I said BUT.
But, you have the makings of a decent, if not good writer. I have class soon, so currently I do not have the time to go piece by piece and dissect your story to help you. Yea, actually help. That's a rarity for me and alicorn oc stories.
tl;dr Story was meh, until the alicorn oc. Then I lost complete interest. Lose the alicorn OC, make the story a bit more lively. I may be back later with more detailed suggestions to help you.
~ Dawny of the MDASG
It's been said before, but please reconsider that cover image. Your writing is too good to have such a front.
Wow, this wasn't that bad.
Except for the horrendous cover image.
I saw a pony creator imagine of an alicorn and began to worry, then the description didn't help any either. It has a textbook cover of "A really bad alicorn OC story"
*Clears throat*
Time to break things down, shall we?
images2.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2789-132875386454.png
So now for the story itself.
I must say, dispite the initional thoughts given by the cover art and description, the story's grammar and punctuation is surprisingly good. I half expected something along the lines of grade school level, like every other alicorn OC story.
Though this brings me to the first major problem: Poor formatting, namely, no breaks.
^ the large space is where a break would normally be placed. Another issue is the serious lack of descriptive narration. The scene transitions very abruptly, the reader is given no Idea where they are or who they are with, or whats going on. General after a break, a small setting up of the scene is required, to give the reader a faint idea of where they are now. This makes the story much easier to follow, and promotes better flow.
Second thing: Dialogue formatting.
i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/My%20Little%20Pony/1341187896993.png
Not only is this entire scene unnecessary to the plot progression, but it is just so bloody chaotic, discord would be proud.
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTVoDqrF2SVDSaUIyRYUAA3jNxMDrTO-kAZouZMk-j_cqNp2QpZYnhsb1S2Dw
Now, to the juicy bit, the OC
Like every Alicorn OC, he cry's Mary Sue/Stu. He can fly, he can use magic, his magic is very powerful, he has a strong/good/cool appearance. Currently he is without any real flaw, other then others are afraid of him, because of prior reasons listed.
Alicorn OC's in the Fanfiction community are similar to that annoying girl everyone has on facebook. She's there, you don't like her, and when ever she posts anything you want to gouge your eyes out. Though, even as much as you hate her, you can't get rid of her; due to other friends of hers that happen to be good friends of yours.
Writing a 'good' alicorn oc is hard, extremely hard. From the canon we are given, there are only three alicorn's at the moment, and they each serve a role or purpose pertaining to the world around them. Celestia controls the sun, Luna the moon and Caidence is more of a lesser alicorn that acts as a mediator of the crystal ponies. Regardless, they all have purposes, or reasons to exist. Having an Alicorn that is one for the sake of being one, serves no real defining purpose, no important role, no justified reason for it being alicorn. most alicorn OC's can be filled by a unicorn or a pegasus and still go about the stories plot just fine. In this case, I can see a unicorn filling the role just fine as well, He is sent to twilight because of his illusion magic, something a very talented unicorn could very easily do.
I see you have potential to write a really good story, just not an Alicorn OC centered story, at least, not yet. I recommend using your talents elsewhere where they will be more appreciated.
That's just my two bits.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110609170203/gyropedia/images/thumb/9/90/TwilightShrug.png/413px-TwilightShrug.png
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Okay, I can address most of these comments in one go. -deep breath-
Cover image: It's what I could do. I'm nowhere good enough an artist to draw Eclipse well. I'm a better writer than artist.
Horizontal breaks: For the love of Celestia, someone teach me to use thee magical, mythical things. T_T I pride myself on using computers well, but I've ever found the darn 'Horizontal Break Button'.
Uniforming scene start-ups / Chaotic dialogue: Both I had good reasons for doing, particularly the party-set-up scene. Azu, you said the scene, as was chaotic. Said scene was, by nature, chaotic.
Eclipse, Eclipse, Eclipse: Okay, I was expecting this kind of reaction, and in fact, most of them are IRRELEVANT!!! Yes, I said it, and I'm gonna seem like a little girl defending her SUPERAWESOMEZ-STOP-BEING-MEENIE-OC for saying it, but it's true. Eclipse's appearance, power, and several of the plots I have planned will give him a Marty Stu air. But I promise, I PROMISE YOU that I'm not that kind of author. Let's just say that where Eclipse is concerned, writing a "good Alicorn OC" won't be very difficult.
Okay, not trying to come off as an egotistical jerk, but there's only so far I can go to defend myself without giving away too much. All that I, as an author with integrity, can say, is that I love, above all else, flawed characters. Just give him time to show them. Have some faith that I know what I'm doing with my character.
1606129
You have piqued my interested, I'll be following along to see just how this goes. I have my doubts, but who knows. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
Though trust me on the usage of more descriptive narrative. People aren't going to kill you if you give them an idea of whats going on around them.
Also as far as the breaks go, there are many ways to do them.
I just do ten * * * * * * * * * * centered to signal a break, though to do an actual horizontal bar its: [ hr] <-- without the space in the bracket.
they only work in blog posts and story chapters/descriptions. They don't show in comments.
1606129
With the cover image, at least go on google images and take an image of an actual eclipse or something. Seriously, people WILL downvote and shun just for ponycreator alone. Petty, yes, but if you want an audience, then you'll get rid of it.
Also, horizontal lines can be inserted with an [ hr ] (no spaces). You can find the option on your story's editing page to put it in for you.
Also also, reasons or not, I would seriously take the time to at least consider the criticism that people have given you. We give it because we care. We want you to succeed, and to succeed with an alicorn OC, even a flawed one, is extremely difficult. Personally, I wish you the best. Good luck.
1606273
Thank you for trusting me.
The manner of description, or lack thereof, will play its way into the story eventually. Please consider this a test run of a narrative style that will be major to certain plot points.
I'll start using typed breaks. @_@ The gaps were a silly idea. I'll change it soon.
1606280
:-/ I'd almost rather have a blank cover than an image bumped off of Google.
I type stories in a word processor offline, so the formatting is different for me. I'm gonna use typed breaks like this:
********************************
And most of these criticisms I'd already considered weeks prior to starting this chapter. it's not that I'm ignoring advice, just the opposite. I'm applying the criticisms appropriately to my OC.
Interesting.
I cautiously approve of your OC. He definitely has his own personality, and "he's scary!" is so much better than
as is too often the case.
Good spelling, good grammar, ponies are in-character, interesting OC . . . well, you've earned an upvote at the very minimum, and I want to see where this goes.
As for art, you can always search DeviantArt and ask the artist for permission to use their art for your fic. Most brony artists are happy to give it.
1606273
I beg to differ.
See?
1606927
Thank you for the trust! First non-prologue chapter is in the works now, so hopefully I'll keep things going in a good direction.
As for the art... I think I'll avoid art for now, make people actually READ the story before voting.
1606927
Would you look at that? It does work now!
for a time You couldn't, but that was quite some time ago.
Why did I not get a notification that you'd posted a new chapter? Oh well, I can read it now.
This . . . is good. Interesting, engaging, and entertaining. Twilight is in-character, the story makes sense, and most importantly, Eclipse has his own personality. I like that he comes across as somewhat cold and standoffish; it's different but not alien. I also like your take on illusion magic, and how you're establishing the rules for it and working within them. Good stuff! I look forward to more!
A couple of points, though.
The first comma should be a period, and "he" should be capitalized. You do this several times through the fic. Dialogue should end with a comma if it is not the end of the sentence; otherwise, end it with a period, exclamation point, or question mark, as appropriate.
I also noticed a couple of instances where you capitalized the first word after dialogue, despite it not being a new sentence.
This? This is perfect. This is classic Twilight Sparkle. You could have omitted her name and just given me the thoughts expressed there and I could tell it was Twilight. Excellent.
Should be "due to his apparent distaste for books."
1652220
Cutie Mark Crusaders Constructive Critics, YAY!
You are swiftly becoming my favorite commenter.
I try my best to keep the interest and personality of each character, both canon and fanon. As for Eclipse, he'll get more interesting yet!
I'll go back sometime and correct them.
I was rather fond of that, and yes, I could have taken Twi's name out. Could have, but had reason not to. :evilspoilerhint:
Okay, blame colloquial speech for that one. 
I can fix that on my offline copy and edit the online chapter later.
As for the illusion magic, it's gonna get more and more in-depth as the chapters progress. This? This was a teaser for how I'm planing to take it.
As for the punctuation weirdness, blame me writing these in the time between midnight and dawn.
About the Twilight quote...
The book quote... Who says he's not in a book in which he has distaste for something?
Thanks for the read-and-review!
My friend, this is one of the best written alicorn stories l ever read. Unfortuanetly the title is generic and usually scares people away from the story. Which usually leaves them to leave the story and dislike it before thy go. it is truly a shame the story is probably 1 of the best well written alicorn stories I've ever heard or read. and I'm truly sorry for if I have bad grammar because I'm typing on a god damn phone.
1698380
t.
If you were here earlier, you'd see the other reason they dislikes without reading. :-/ I can't draw ponies for s
Thank you for the review, though. I do try my best, and I promise to do my best on future chapters!
Man this story deserves so much more credit then it has now.
1854631
Thank you!
You really are welcome, I mean why can't this story get more positive reviews, Hie's apparently are better then this even though they are the exact same every time I read one. Continue with this story, don't quit never surrender.