Short, but very interesting. I rather like that our killer is making it personal and that Twilight did the sensible thing: Put guards on her remaining friends.
At this time I am thinking that Twlight is the killer. Chrysalis could've done something to her while she was imprisoned. And the only other unicorn tha could do that sort of thing was Trixie. And that was with the Alicorn Amulet.
Right, sorry this took so long. Not much to fix up in this chapter, and rereading it was fun. I really like the way you got Twi to try and detach herself. Anyway, here we go!
Twilight whispered, “don’t worry Pinkie. We’ll get him now.”
Don't should be capitalized because it is the start of Twilight's speech.
Seeing that their Princess had finished investigating the scene, the newly arrived unicorn guards stepped forward and made ready to carry away the pink mare. Seeing their horns light up as they summoned a levitation spell caused the grieving and outraged part of Twilights mind to burst through the wall of pragmatism she had erected.
Well, that's it for this chapter. I'm going to do the next right away. The just bolded words are bold because, and this is personal opinion so feel free to ignore it, you start two sentences in a row with the same word. Not wrong, but it seems choppy. I recommend changing the first "Seeing" to something like "Once". The bold and underlined word is missing an apostrophe and should be "Twilight's" as it is possessive.
Shocked at the princess's outburst,
This one is 100% personal opinion. "Princess" is a title and should be capitalized. "Princess" is, in many cases, just a shortened version of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, so on and so forth. Princess is part of their name, their title, and thus needs capitalization. Some people disagree with this and that is fine, I just felt the need to point it out.
I swear if it's one of those stories where someone is doing something in there sleep without realizing it I'm gonna be upset, mostly because if that theory is true than I might already know who it might be.
Basically what I'm trying to say is, it's possible that someone is murdering in there sleep without realizing it, and because it's been confirmed that whoever it is could be using magic, I fear that if my theory is correct.... then it could be Twilight, but I hope it isn't, because that's gonna be painful to read even if I'm suspecting it.
Short, but very interesting. I rather like that our killer is making it personal and that Twilight did the sensible thing: Put guards on her remaining friends.
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Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm glad your liking it so far.
Don't worry about its length, there's still quite a bit left to tell!
At this time I am thinking that Twlight is the killer. Chrysalis could've done something to her while she was imprisoned. And the only other unicorn tha could do that sort of thing was Trixie. And that was with the Alicorn Amulet.
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Anything is possible, but I suggest you wait till the rest of the cast is introduced in the next chapter before making wild accusations lol
Hope your enjoying so far!
Short and sweet. I like it.
Sorry, I don't really have any criticism at the moment. LOL.
Right, sorry this took so long. Not much to fix up in this chapter, and rereading it was fun. I really like the way you got Twi to try and detach herself. Anyway, here we go!
Don't should be capitalized because it is the start of Twilight's speech.
Well, that's it for this chapter. I'm going to do the next right away.
The just bolded words are bold because, and this is personal opinion so feel free to ignore it, you start two sentences in a row with the same word. Not wrong, but it seems choppy. I recommend changing the first "Seeing" to something like "Once". The bold and underlined word is missing an apostrophe and should be "Twilight's" as it is possessive.
This one is 100% personal opinion. "Princess" is a title and should be capitalized. "Princess" is, in many cases, just a shortened version of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, so on and so forth. Princess is part of their name, their title, and thus needs capitalization. Some people disagree with this and that is fine, I just felt the need to point it out.
I swear if it's one of those stories where someone is doing something in there sleep without realizing it I'm gonna be upset, mostly because if that theory is true than I might already know who it might be.
Basically what I'm trying to say is, it's possible that someone is murdering in there sleep without realizing it, and because it's been confirmed that whoever it is could be using magic, I fear that if my theory is correct.... then it could be Twilight, but I hope it isn't, because that's gonna be painful to read even if I'm suspecting it.