Canterlot castle, four years ago
Twilight happily trotted her way through the hallways of Canterlot Castle, returning to her room after a lesson with Celestia. Today’s lesson had been on teleportation. Despite the fact Twilight almost trapped herself in a wall, she was still in high spirits. At the moment, her room was located in the royal wing, just down the hall from where Princess Celestia's room was. Twilight was looking forward to the restoration of the old observatory, as the princess had promised to make it her own place, as an early birthday gift.
The Royal wing was fine by her in the meantime, as it was usually quiet down there, mostly due to all of the security. It helped her with her studying. Usually the only ponies she would have contact with were the royal guards, who she knew quite well, the princess and Spike. On the weekends she would leave the castle and spend time with her family or Princess Cadance, and even more occasionally she would meet up with her school friends, Lemon Hearts, Minuette, Twinkle Shine, Lyra Heartstrings and Moondancer.
Twilight trotted down the hall; passing a couple of guard patrols, who she briefly greeted before moving on. Twilight soon came to a door at the end of the hall, behind which was her and Spike's room. Opening the door with her magic, Twilight slipped inside and closed it behind her. Her room was fairly large, with an abundance of bookshelves and a big purple bed in the corner. Next to her bed was a basket with a few comics scattered around it.
Spike wasn't in; he was likely out causing trouble for the castle staff as usual. Twilight carefully placed her saddlebags onto the bed and took out the books inside. She began to arrange them on her shelves in a neat fashion, arranged in the order she intended to read them.
But the book she was levitating, a rather large tome, suddenly slipped from her grasp, and made a loud thud as it impacted the floor. Twilight held her head as she began to feel a little faint, she didn't notice green flames whip around her, tearing away the visage of the lavender unicorn she knew, but she did see a green flash.
"Whoa, what was that?" Twilight muttered to herself as she returned to her senses.
She looked around, trying to find the source of the green flash. Twilight's eyes fell onto her ceiling height mirror, upon which a black pony-like creature was staring at her.
"Eeep!" Twilight shrieked out, falling over backwards trying to scramble away. She righted herself, and dived behind her bed. After a few seconds of nothing, Twilight stopped panicking. Deciding to be brave, she peeked up over her quilt. As she did so, the mirror showed the same black creature appear over the top of the reflected bed. It was at this point she realised the creature she saw was her.
At first Twilight sighed in relief, only then hit with a wave of realisation, and began to panic again.
"Why am I an insect pony … thing! I have holes in my legs! My horn is crooked!"
Twilight began rambling to herself; trying to make sense of what was going on, and she was failing miserably. Her thoughts changed from what was she to what would happen if somepony else found out. Would they experiment on her? Banish her?
Not likely, but the scenario crossed her mind anyway. Twilight remained in this state for a solid fifteen minutes before another voice brought her back to reality.
"Twilight? Are you OK?"
Twilight held her breath and closed her eyes, as she heard the door open and the figure of Princess Celestia enter.
'Here it comes – She’s going to banish me, she’s going to…'
"Twilight, what's wrong? You look terrified!"
Confused at the princess' reaction, Twilight opened her eyes, the mirror revealing she was once again a lavender unicorn.
"Oh, nothing, it was nothing; just another one of my panic attacks," Twilight said sheepishly.
Celestia sighed and nuzzled her student affectionately. "You know that if you need to talk that I’m always willing to listen, and you know where to find me."
"Thank you, Princess."
Celestia smiled before giving Twilight another quick nuzzle, turning and leaving the room. She had barely closed the door behind her, before Twilight ran up to the mirror.
"What the hay is going on?" Twilight muttered, thinking with more clarity.
She looked at her own reflection; and focused on the memory of how she had looked a just a few minutes prior.
As she did so, green flames once again whipped around her, and the black creature returned.
Then she focused on her unicorn self, and once again, she became just that.
"Huh, I'm a shape shifter? I wonder if I could... no Twilight, I need to focus please."
Twilight returned to her 'creature form' and observed herself intently.
Seeing herself like this... it felt natural.
"This can't be normal, more research is required!"
Twilight shifted back into her unicorn form, picked up her saddlebag and quickly rushed out of the room towards the library, both curious as to what she might find... and terrified.
Now I wonder who else in Pre-S1 Twilight's close circle (Celestia Shining Armor, Spike, etc.) also knows about Twilight being "an insect pony thing". Because Twilight would have mentioned it to somepony else.
Clicks track, goes to home page, BOOM new chapter :D
dude this a good story keep up the good work
You should invest in an editor. I could find mistakes everywhere I look, even the first paragraph of the chapter.
This can be changed into two sentences, ending on the word 'teleportation", it should also include commas before 'returning'.
Comma before 'just'.
It was usually quiet there due to the massive security in that part of the castle, which suited Twilight just fine. The quiet helped when she studied.
And yeah, you get the idea. Wording could have been better in most of this chapter too.
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Sorry, that just made me giggle a bit.
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As long as that editor is someone more competent than you, I'll be happy. Anyone will do, really. Just not you. Anyone who says
needs an editor themselves. This should have been
Don't say that other people need an editor, when you also need one.
this was pretty good, but don't you think this would work better somewhere in the previous chapter?
That was fun, may I have another? Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
I feel this might have fit better if added to the last chapter. At least it would have had reason to be all italicized. Placing it after she is staring at herself in the mirror might have felt more natural as seeing herself as a changeling brings back the image of Twilight first discovering her condition.
Though I am bias since I like longer chapters. Things that are 1k, 2k in length just feel too short and seem to miss a lot of detail unless very little is meant to be covered.
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I'll leave this here for you:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tu_quoque
Damn it, its just like the Naruto shippuden fiillers all over again!
No...
Hmm..this chapter...I like it. **slams cup on table** ANOTHER!
Hmmm...
Twilight's
was staring at her.
Twilight shrieked out, falling
(I mostly ignore comma problems but this one stands out)
Fwi you're using the semicolon ( ; ) wrong; it's usually used to replace "and", or perhaps a "-", depending on the context the ladder is in.
If the entire chapter is a flashback and you give the setting and time at the beginning then you don't need to italicize everything.
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It can also be used to bridge sentences; however, I'm sure you were aware of that.
7298044 I.......think I was? TY all the same
An entire dedicated to one flashback is excessive. What would have worked better is if you showed her doing her research into what she is. Perhaps even another scene after where she argues with herself over weather she should tell Celestia, her parents, Spike or not. To put it simply, this only shows us something we were already told about last chapter and all it really does is make me question how she didn't find out sooner if the simple dropping of a book startled the disguise off of her.
You tend to use semicolons in places where commas should be. Only two uses of semicolons in this entire chapter are actually correct. Still, this is an interesting chapter. I just feel an editor would improve the experience immensely.
Heres just a random question, why did twilight need to make friends when she already had five old friends?
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Because Celestia knew that those old friends were not compatible with the elements... In fact, I bet that she already researched the other mares (Rarity, Pinkie, and etc...) and planned that they would be grouped up in Ponyville.
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She had become more distant from them as she got older.
Wouldn't being the highest rank make shining armor a general or general of the equestrian militarily? The latter being higher in rank than the former.
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You can get help here.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/]The Proofreader Group
Change 3
ok this is definitely different than another story that has her as the daughter of queen chrysalis this is defiantly in my top 10 favorite stories
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In magistrate forces Captain is highest rank. General would be state\imperial military but that different line, so aside from possible number under command, Guard Captain and General are equals, with possibly Magistrate officials, Knight Commanders, Barons and Princes being above them. It's similar to how it goes in different branches of military today: technically a navy captain may outrank groundpounder captain by a mile and board-side that "may" turns into "does".
I honestly was not expecting to get my awnser this fast, if this was any other Arthur they would probably wait a few more chapters, another 20,000 words before revealing said awnser.