A new student arrives at Canterlot high school without any information about herself. She’s more of a mystery to anyone who sees her.
Chapters (3)
Dot-Dot_Dot
Joined 31st Oct, 2023 ·
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Dot-Dot_Dot · 4.6k words · 154 views
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Ok, while aura seems interesting she also kind of seems bratty. So I’m wonder if someone is gonna make her tone it down a notch.
Ok, while this is setting up for sunset shimmer to get some sort of karma it makes me wonder if it’s actually gonna happen. It also makes me wonder if aura is gonna get some form of karma if her own.
Honestly, I don’t like aura or sunset.
11751953
What don’t you like about Aura then? Tell me. What do you want to see? See you don’t like either of em just tell me? I’ll be waiting since you know so much.
11751993
I’m not saying that I know so much. I’m saying that I just don’t really like them. It might change over time but for now I don’t really like them. It’s kind of middle ground.
11752017
Alright. 👍
"A pristine field is the lock of a dream that Aura Moon is in."
-What kind of field? Where's the sight, smells, feeling here? The opening of a fic should include a break into the fictional world
"*“Well well well. If it isn’t the weak version of me.” A person says as Aura looks around but doesn’t see anyone.*"
- Should be "Well, well, well, if it isn't the *weaker* version of me." Focus on proper grammar and spelling.
"*“I’m you. I’m what you could have been if you had just kept your mouth shut. Something stronger. Better. Like a god.” Moon says.*"
- Should be “I’m you, but I’m what you could have been if you had just kept your mouth shut. Something stronger, better, like a god.” Moon says. Improper sentence structures.
FYI gammerly premium lit this whole page up like a Christmas tree. 80+ fixes/errors.
I came here because I saw your blog about your complaint towards people preferring sex in their stories. So far just by reading this first chapter- and I am going to read the other ones- is that your OC here is looking like a Mary Sue.
Okay so already in the very first few paragraphs you are not properly capitalizing proper pronouns such as names, places, things that are important such as locations, being part of places that should be a proper pronoun. Sunset Shimmer should be capitalized as it is a proper noun. It's a name.
I also see severe spelling errors. Very simple ones that shouldn't be existing. I think many people would dislike this fiction already just based on a grammar and spelling issues. I fail to see a reasonable excuse as to why a second reader or pre-reading was done beforehand to ensure proper punctuation and spelling.
“What the… What’s happening?” Aura says as she looks around and sees someone behind her. A small child walking into a room
-Should be: "*“What the...what’s happening?” Aura says as she looks around and *saw* someone behind her. A small child walking into a room.*" The "..." Is used only for incomplete thoughts or sentences, but you continue with loser cases if the sentence does continue.
“Goodbye Aura.” Toby says with a shy wave as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stand there dumb founded.
-Should be: "*“Goodbye, Aura.” Toby says with a shy wave as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stand there, dumb founded.*" When addressing a person with a phrase the name always occurs last after things like: hello, goodbye, here I am, and so on.
I really dislike this fic. I'm sorry but I can't stand the character building, the dialogue exposition, and so on. It's hardly what I would call good writing. I came here honestly to see where your complaint stood, but I see now it holds no ground.
There's plenty of good stories and tales to read on this website that involve no sex or even mention of sex. You are blowing things out of proportion and not properly taking time to consider your own argument when trying to demand a stance from others. While I can't say I'm a better writer, I've been on this site since like 2016ish and I've read a ton without sex. In fact most of my recommendations in my page are non-clop.
So get your ink and quill and write this all over again. Add fluff, stuff, and for the love of God and all that is holy, please get someone to pre-read your fic and edit them. I could hardly stand what I was reading because of the lack of proper grammar, punctuation, spelling. It all messed me up.