Friendship is Card Games: What if X Were a Princess? Pt. 2 · 2:18pm Aug 16th, 2023
We interrupt the current G5 rundown for something relatively quick in light of Everfree Northwest. In this case, a return to Magpiepony’s land of what-ifs (and irresponsibly time-traveling royal sisters) for the last two princesses who could have been.
What if… Rarity was a Princess?
Unsurprisingly fabulous ensemble on Rarity. She probably designed it herself.
Celestia with the casual tribalism. Well, when your whole rule is modeled after old unicorn practices, you can’t help but internalize some outdated social concepts.
I love watching Celestia’s expression as the situation deteriorates. You can see all the horrible possibilities flash by in her mind’s eye… and yet, I don’t think she ever anticipated Rarity’s actual decree.
“Me damn it.”
Well, that answers some of the questions about pony theology raised by the Applejack video. 
I feel like the Boutique giving out government-subsidized outfits violates that earlier restriction on access to the treasury. But as before, if the diarchs say no, we don’t have a short. (Plus, being able to revert the save means each iteration feels much less dire. This is ruling in creative mode.)
Hmm. Definitely seeing inspiration from some Equestria Girls outfits among the Bearers in the next scene. Interesting parallels when considered diegetically
Incredibly stealthy, Pinkie. She’ll never notice.
Oh boy. You know Rarity’s gone off the deep end when she starts planning a sweatshop.
Ah, flashes of “The Saddle Row Review.” Rarity and the media so rarely get along.
Oh dear. Rarity only provided dresses. Formalwear isn’t meant for things like, say, weather work. Practicality, the enemy of every great fashionista, strikes again.
Ugh. You’d think Rarity would see the error of her ways the moment she saw the diarchs break out those coronation gowns.
I have to assume the “fat cat Princess Rarity” image is in a political cartoon in that same newspaper. That or the Monarch Marshmallow one.
Also, I do appreciate how Rarity has a different dress in every scene. Wasn’t expecting the others to follow suit, but being friends with a reigning princess comes with perks… and expectations. She’d probably have them arrested for fashion crimes if they showed up in the same outfit two visits in a row.
Oh dear. A Karen-esque updo is never a good sign.
Heh. I do love seeing some of the workarounds ponies have found. Cheese Sandwich and Maud already had outfits and Best Pony has her work uniform. Even Twilight’s breaking out the birthday dress from “Sweet and Elite.”
Lovely touch with Magpiepony and the Lost Narrator cameoing in the crowd shot.
“Oh, wait! It needs to be a pun. She’s ‘Mare-en.’”
There are times when the horse pun is gilding the lily, Pinkie. This is one of them.
Dare I ask who was wearing the sombrero and… Is that just a pony-sized taco? Sonata? Was that you?
Heh. Marshmallows do contain gelatin, though I doubt Equestria gets theirs from horse collagen. That said, I do enjoy Pinkie’s blasé delivery of that gruesome fact
Now I’m really curious about Tempest’s presence. Scouting mission?
Oh boy. The royal bathrobe is arguably an even worse sign than sweatshops.
“More like Queen Butt Stallion.”
Only in the Crystal Empire.
Yeah, the blood-crimson dress and matching eyeshadow are definite warning signs. You know, if the paranoia and media crackdown weren’t enough of an indication.
Also, lovely touch with Rarity’s fashion house logo on the walls of the castle.
And she’s gone full Nightmare Rarity. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t see this one coming.
On the one hand, Luna sabotaging Rarity’s reign to win a bet is awfully petty. On the other, it’s not like she made Rarity go full tyrant.
What if… Rainbow Dash was a Princess?
I suppose if anypony were to forego all but the minimum accoutrements during her coronation, it’d be Dash.
Good to see Celestia actually try to pull the reins back for once… though she definitely could’ve picked a more receptive audience.
“Our magic printer ran out of ink.”
Even in the magical land of Equestria, the cartridges are how they get you.
“I almost went completely mad when I had to [raise the moon]!”
There’s a story there. Especially if the Nightmare could make herself known to Celestia every time.
Also, I do appreciate Celestia’s acting skills still being hammier than Ilharg.
Dash unintentionally turning Celestia’s excuse back on her and turning it into a massive burn is a thing of beauty. Especially since she’s trying to be sympathetic.
“[Twilight’s] what you call a last resort.”
Destiny finds Celestia’s lack of faith… disturbing.
Oh! Well, Dash certainly figured out delegation faster than Twilight. Also, lovely touch with Pinkie waving to the audience.
“It’s not like regular ponies can do princessy things.”
Dash was so close, yet so far to discovering democracy. I suppose oligarchy counts as a near-miss.
Ooh, nice touch with Dash’s rainbow aura. It doesn’t work with the “aura = eye color” guideline, but it’s still a nice touch.
Oh boy. Rarity and the media crossing horns again. Though at least this time it’s not over who she’s ruling.
All the problems in one timeline! Fitting for the finale. And Applejack’s necromancy has extended to plants. Princess Golgari confirmed.
I do have to appreciate how the other coronated Bearers teleport into the throne room, but Maud is just there. No explanation, no justification. Just a rocktologist where there hadn’t been one.
Ooh, banishing one’s self to the moon. Don’t see that very often.
Great delivery by Chippa. I genuinely feel bad for Twilight there.
I have to love Pinkie and Luna bonding over how the moon is not, in fact, made of cheese. Also, credit to Twilight whether Celestia wants to admit or not. She did nothing wrong besides poor timing.
Delightful madness all around. It’s always fun seeing just how the fandom can unhinge Equestria, especially while staying true to… most of the characters. The diarchs had to let their hair down for the premise to work, but that didn’t make these any less enjoyable. Now, let’s see what decrees I can issue. Especially since, thanks to the Everfree delays, this can be the first blog where I make use of Wilds of Eldraine mechanics.
Mass Coronation 1WW
Sorcery
For each creature you control, create a Royal Role token attached to that creature. (If you control another Role on it, put that one into the graveyard. Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 and has ward 1.)
Delegation is one of the most powerful tools at a ruler’s disposal.
Countdown to Disaster 2W
Enchantment
Vanishing 3 (This enchantment enters the battlefield with three time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter from it. When the last is removed, sacrifice it.)
When Countdown to Disaster is put into a graveyard from the battlefield, if it had no time counters on it, destroy all nonland permanents.
Coronation Ceremony 3W
Enchantment
Celebration — At the beginning of your postcombat main phase, if two or more nonland permanents entered the battlefield under your control this turn, you become the monarch.
“Here we go again…”
—Princess Luna
Enforcer Armor 3W
Artifact Creature — Equipment Soldier
Creatures can’t attack you or planeswalkers you control unless their controller pays 1 for each of those creatures.
Equipped creature gets +2/+4.
Reconfigure 5 (5: Attach to target creature you control; or unattach from a creature. Reconfigure only as a sorcery. While attached, this isn’t a creature.)
2/4
Inside Source 1UU
Creature — Unicorn Rogue
Inside Source enters the battlefield under the control of an opponent of your choice.
Play with your hand revealed.
Whenever you draw a card, Inside Source’s owner draws a card. This ability triggers only once each turn.
With great power comes great supervision.
3/3
Rarity, the Tyrant 3UU
Legendary Creature — Noble Artificer
Alicorn (This is also a Pony Pegasus Unicorn.)
Flying, vigilance
Whenever one or more commanders you control deal combat damage to a player, each player may put a permanent card from their hand onto the battlefield. When one or more opponents do, for each of those players, return another target nonland permanent that player controls to its owner’s hand.
Oligarch
4/4
Political Caricature 4U
Creature — Shapeshifter
You may have Political Caricature enter the battlefield as a copy of any creature on the battlefield, except it has “When this creature enters the battlefield, you become the monarch.”
Winning hearts and minds with ink and paper.
0/0
Canterlot Eschatologist 2B
Creature — Unicorn Cleric
When Canterlot Eschatologist dies, if three or more creatures died this turn, you draw three cards and gain 3 life.
“The end is neigh!”
3/2
Gruesome Harvest 2B
Enchantment
Whenever a nontoken creature you control dies, create a Food token. (A Food token is an artifact with “T, Sacrifice this artifact: You gain 3 life.”)
“Don’t ask me what goes in Winona’s bowl and I’ll tell you no lies.”
—Applejack, Bearer of Honesty
Lurching Applebomination 4B
Creature — Treefolk Zombie
As long as you control a Forest, Lurching Applebomination gets +1/+1 and has vigilance.
Sunlight rarely reaches the undercity. Golgari crops must feed through other means.
3/5
Liberating Decree 2R
Sorcery
Bargain (You may sacrifice an artifact, enchantment, or token as you cast this spell.)
Gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. It gains haste until end of turn. If this spell was bargained, that creature also gains double strike until end of turn.
Rainbow Dash, the Last 3RR
Legendary Creature — Noble Soldier
Alicorn
Flying, haste
Whenever one or more commanders you control deal combat damage to a player, exile the top card of that player’s library. You may cast that card this turn and mana of any type can be spent to cast it.
Oligarch (You may have any number of commanders if they all have oligarch. This spell’s commander tax is 2 for each spell you’ve cast from the command zone this game.)
4/4
Triple Rainboom 5RR
Sorcery
If a source you control would deal damage to a permanent or opponent this turn, it deals triple that damage instead. Triple Rainboom deals 2 damage to each opponent.
Ascension did the impossible: It made Rainbow Dash even more destructive.
Covert Gorging 1G
Instant
The next creature spell you cast this turn has flash, devour 2, and “This creature has hexproof and indestructible as long as it entered the battlefield this turn and devoured a creature.” (As it enters the battlefield, you may sacrifice any number of creatures. It enters with twice that many +1/+1 counters on it.)
Soil Sample 1G
Sorcery
You may play an additional land this turn. Create a Food token.
“In hindsight, it was never going to be cheese. But that makes the revelation no less disappointing.”
—Princess Luna
Angel’s Conquest 2GG
Sorcery
Creatures you control gain myriad until end of turn. At the beginning of the next declare blockers step, attacking creatures gain trample until end of turn. (Whenever a creature with myriad attacks, for each opponent other than defending player, you may create a token that’s a copy of that creature that’s tapped and attacking that player or a planeswalker they control. Exile the tokens at end of combat.)
Regalia of Generosity 3
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +2/+2 and has protection from blue.
Whenever equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, if there is no monarch, you become the monarch. Otherwise, choose a non-Equipment permanent you control, then create a token that’s a copy of that permanent.
Equip 2
Regalia of Loyalty 3
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +2/+2 and has protection from red
Whenever equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, if there is no monarch, you become the monarch. Otherwise, add RRRR. Until end of turn, you don’t lose this mana as steps and phases end.
Equip 2
Crystal Reprocessor 4
Artifact Creature — Unicorn
T, Sacrifice an artifact: Add an amount of C equal to the sacrificed artifact’s mana value plus 1. Spend this mana only to cast artifact spells or activate abilities of artifacts.
The diamond effigies reflect Rarity’s grace, beauty, and relentless work ethic.
2/3
To the Moon! 1(wu)
Instant
Exile target nonland permanent. Return it to the battlefield at the beginning of the next end step.
“It’s actually really easy to come back. Emmy just doesn’t want to yet.”
—Pinkie Pie, Bearer of Laughter.
Media Crackdown 1WB
Enchantment
If a player would draw a card except the first one they draw in each of their draw steps, that player skips that draw instead unless they pay 3 life.
“It’s not slander! Slander is spoken. In print, it’s libel.”
—Buried Lede, editor in chief
Burden of the Heavens 2BR
Enchantment
If it’s neither day nor night, it becomes day as Burden of the Heavens enters the battlefield.
Whenever day becomes night or night becomes day, each player sacrifices a nonbasic permanent with a mana ability.
Each twilight drains four unicorns dry.
Twilight, the Capable WUBRG
Legendary Creature — Noble Wizard
When you cast this spell from the command zone, search your library for a legendary card with partner, friends forever, or oligarch and put it into the command zone. That card becomes one of your commanders and perpetually gains oligarch if it doesn’t have oligarch. Then shuffle.
Alicorn
Flying, hexproof
Spells you cast from the command zone cost WUBRG less to cast.
4/4
Nightmarish Oppression 4WB
Sorcery
Each opponents who controls more creatures than you sacrifices creatures equal to the difference. Repeat this process for artifacts, enchantments, and planeswalkers.
Rarity wanted to leave her mark on Equestria. And she did… whether anypony liked it or not.
Planet Cracker 6RW
Sorcery
Destroy all permanents. Each player returns up to three permanent cards in their graveyard with total mana value 3 or less to the battlefield tapped.
Rainbow Dash sought to achieve maximum efficiency for minimum effort. And she did… in terms of destruction.
Castle Carousel
Land
Castle Carousel enters the battlefield tapped unless you control an Island.
T: Add U
UU, T: Target modified creature can’t be blocked this turn. (Equipment, Auras the creature’s controller controls, and counters are modifications.)
Without Carousel, ponies were free to think for themselves.
There’s just something about Magpiepony’s way of writing, performing and animations these that makes something that, on paper, is just more tired and rote show and fandom meta lamp shading and deconstruction several years past its sell-by date… actually work. Some more than others, but I’m rarely not satisfied after watching one. Perhaps it’s the voice acting and writing leaning into make the characters their own thing (most notably with Pinkie, though Trixie in Princess Trixie Sparkle is another great example). Regardless, it’s easy to see why she continues to pull in the crowds this many years after the show finished, when distance and the shrinking fandom has done many Pony content creators in.
The way the Rainbow Dash one ended as a capstone to this miniseries, with the “Twilight’s so neurotic and obsessive, she’d be a terrible choice for a princess” sentiment, got me good. And not just because it’s kinda true.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Twilight, the Capable reduces generic costs because it doesn't say otherwise, unless they finally fixed that weird dumb loophole that currently only applies to a Khalni Hydra that gained a generic mana cost from somewhere. Again, no existing card works this way even though the rules technically do, and I assume it's deliberate.
Granting hexproof AND indestructible on a card that can target arbitrary creatures and buffs them in the process? I really hope that modern Magic has more exile board-wipe options than I remember.
5742718
A close reading shows that it only lasts for the turn. By the time you can actually attack with it, it's usually already worn off.