Taking Wing

by DrakoGlyph

Okay, let's start with some quotes spiced with commentary.

Fluttershy shuddered to think that she had found in their, from Manticores to Cockatrices.

This struck me as weird: why would Shy be afraid of Manticores? In the pilot episode she is the only one from the mane six who isn't afraid of them, yes? I understand that you are here building a contrast of the shy Fluttershy and the brave Dash, but using animals (dragons excluded) as the mediator really doesn't adhere to the canon.

Sure, Fluttershy was older than her, but Rainbow was always the protective one.

Right around this line, you break the action scene with a reminiscence that doesn't carry any new info, and even if it did, I wouldn't place it here. Action scenes should strive to remain as intact as possible, for they lose their edge very easily, which is their main function in a story. Instead of going over old memories, motives, etc, I'd suggest sticking to depiction of the action as it happens, and whenever you dive into the minds of the characters, keep their thoughts brief, sharp, urgents and so forth. Action is there to offer somehting to be mulled over afterwards, not to mull over things per se. To be fair, you do this alrady a bit, but the pondering parts do weaken the scene's dynamism.

Finished. Some general feedback needs to follow.

A great bulk of this fic is about the two ponies, Dash and Fluttershy, recalling pleasant events from the past with each other and how they are such jolly good friends. The dedication of your homage is admirable, and I'd be the first one to take my hat off to you, but as a reviewer I must stay true to the narrative perspective, to the question of how the fic works as a story, not as a creative epitaph.

The biggest issue I have is that the story here is very slim. Yes, the major parts are all present (a motive, a twist, and a resolution, even two of them) but they are all very arbitrary and random, kind of like events in a RPG. They serve the purpose of exalting the friendhsip of the two pegasi, and they do it in a way that marginalizes everything else, which is problematic form the narrative point of view. Stuff simply happens without much foreshadowing or enthusiasm, and the main focus is on the nostalgic reminiscence.

The most enjoyable parts of this fic were definetly the dialogues, which I found to be quite natural, clever, and heart-warming. There were some issues with a few individual lines in my opinion, but overall they are a pleasure to read. However, I think the dialogues would be even more enjoyable if they connected closer to the plot, or if there was a strong, mature plot to accompany them in the first place. At the moment their shine is somewhat dimmed by the vacuum in which they dwell: I mean that they don't really connect to the context in which they appear. The same point is even more pressing during the recollections. The reason I think these and the dialogues would be better served in an actual plot enviroment is that it would help to give them a direction and a purpose. Right now, their shy eloquence is written on sand, wheras it could be written on stone.

Final Score: Enjoyable.