Help us!!
Princess Woona!
The lights dim as the curtain rises, revealing a room regally decorated in dark blue with a large bed covered in fine silk sheets, and an elegant wooden desk set up across from it. It appears to belong to some kind of royalty.
A spotlight shines down from above on a tiny equine-like creature with a dark blue coat, a light blue mane and tail and wearing what appears to be tiny regalia including an onyx tiara and neckpiece and silver slippers on her hooves.
She looks straight ahead when the spotlight shines on her and gives a big smile.
“Hi, lost foals! My name is Princess Luna!” She chirps excitedly, pronouncing her name as ‘Pwincess Woona’, though she pauses and looks off to the side with a concerned expression on her face “Wait, if the foals are lost, wouldn’t their mommies and daddies be looking for them, Miss Dust?”
“I have told you this before; they are not usually foals, at least, not foals young enough to be concerned about. And besides, we are in the Dreamscape, so they are not lost to begin with. They are all sleeping safely in their beds where their ‘mommies and daddies’ can find them.” A calm voice replied and a mare with a glittery ice-blue coat and navy blue mane and tail trotted out and sat on her haunches next to Woona, an extremely unamused expression on her face.
“Dreamscape? What’s that?” Woona asked in an adorably curious voice while Diamond Dust sighed.
‘Damn them all to Tartarus for thinking this was a good idea…’ Diamond Dust thought irritably ‘And damn them to Tartarus again for leaving me in charge of the bloody foal!’
“You shall understand when you are older, your Highness.” She said in a calm voice. Woona gave a “Hmph!” and looked away while sitting on her haunches and crossing her fore-legs over her chest with an adorably irritated expression that included puffy cheeks.
“Grown-ups say that about everything.” She huffed and then stamped her tiny hooves on the floor “I hate being little!”
“Your Highness, if I may be so bold, you would not understand now even if I took the time to explain it to you.” Diamond Dust stated calmly “But we are getting off track; it is time for you to admit your guest into the room.”
“I don’t wanna!” The tiny princess proclaimed, turning her nose to the air and her handler sighed “I wanna go play with Celly!”
“Your Highness-” Diamond Dust began but Woona interrupted her.
“I hate that name, stop calling me that!” She exclaimed “I hate being here, I wanna go home!”
And thus the little princess flew into a rant of everything she hated and wanted to do instead while Diamond Dust’s left eye began to twitch in irritation and she began to grind her teeth together with her mouth developing a nasty scowl until she finally couldn’t take it anymore.
“Enough, you insufferable little brat!” She roared angrily and the filly froze on the spot, her eyes wide in fear “Do you believe I desire to be here any more than you do?! Do you believe I would not rather be in my own home, doing what I desire and partaking of my favorite treats?! Well allow me to clarify what I want; I want to go home, I want to see my family and I want to be finished with you, so the sooner you admit our next guest in and grant them whatever aid they require, the sooner we can be done with each other and go our separate ways! Am I clear?!”
Woona stared up at Diamond Dust for a long moment, then her eyes began to water and her lower lip began to quiver. Diamond Dust hung her head and groaned just as the tiny princess began wailing loudly. There was the sound of a door opening behind her followed by the clopping of hooves drawing ever closer.
“What is going on out here?” A pony with a pale coat and a flowing silvery mane and tail said as he trotted in, then saw the crying filly on the ground and shot Diamond Dust a severe glare as he trotted over to Woona and sat down next to her, drawing the little princess into a hug “Dang it, Dia, what did you do?! Shh, it’s alright, I’ll protect you from the mean mare, Luna.”
“She… *sniff* she yelled at me.” Woona said, sobbing into the newcomer’s chest “I wanna go home!”
“I know you do, honey, but we’ve got some special guests today and they need your help.” He cooed softly to her, stroking her mane gently “Won’t you stay and help them? I promise to take you home after that.”
“*sniff*Can I have some cookies?” The filly asked and the newcomer chuckled.
“Sure you can, Luna. You can have as many cookies as you want.” He replied with a warm smile “Now let’s wipe those tears away; you don’t want our guests thinking you’re a great big cry-filly, do you?”
“Nuh-uh!” Woona chirped happily and they laughed as the newcomer wiped her eyes dry with a cloth he’d pulled from somewhere. Then he turned a stern gaze to the crystal pony.
“Diamond Dust, go wait in my office. We’re going to talk once we’re finished out here.” He stated flatly and the crystal pony nodded and trotted away. Then he turned a warm smile to the filly “Okay, Luna. Call them in.”
“Okay! Lost foal of the night, you may enter!”
And with that, three fillies trotted in. One was a white unicorn with a perfectly styled pastel purple mane and tail, the second was an orange pegasus with a plum colored mane and tail and the third was a yellow earth pony with a bright red mane and tail wearing a large pink bow.
“What the… what am Ah doin’ here?” The yellow filly asked, then turned and saw the other two standing next to her “Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, what’re y’all doin’ in mah dream?”
“Your dream?! Last I checked this was my dream, which means you’re out of place here!” The orange pegasus retorted hotly and she and the yellow filly butted heads together while growling.
“Ugh, I can’t even escape their arguing by sleeping now…” The white unicorn grumbled to herself.
“Oh, new friends!” Woona exclaimed, bouncing up and down “Can I play with them, Hallowed, canIcanIcanI?!”
“No you can’t, Luna. They’re here for your help, remember?” He replied and the little princess stopped bouncing and glanced at the ground forlornly “But there’s nothing that says you can’t be their friend while they’re here.” He added and Woona beamed at him before giving him a fierce hug.
“Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” She exclaimed then turned to the other fillies and gave a small cough “Welcome, little fillies. How can I help you today?”
“Who’re you calling a filly?” The orange pegasus replied incredulously “And for that matter, who’re you calling ‘little’; you’re smaller than any of us!”
“Scootaloo, be nice!” The unicorn stated “She just wants to help!”
“Oh… sorry.” The orange pegasus said, then smiled at Woona “I’m Scootaloo!”
“An’ Ah’m Applebloom, pleasure ta meet ya!” The yellow filly exclaimed.
“And I’m Sweetie Belle.” The unicorn said with a curtsy.
“Hi, I’m Princess Luna!” Woona chirped with a small bounce and the three fillies stared at her in confusion.
“Uh, what?” Scootaloo asked.
“I said my name is Princess Luna.” Woona said again, not understanding that her manner of speech was what was throwing them off.
“She’s saying her name is Princess Luna.” Hallowed said when the three fillies still had blank looks on their face, though now they stared at him incredulously “What?”
“Princess Luna? As in, the Princess Luna?” Scootaloo asked and Hallowed nodded.
“Yes.”
“The Princess Luna who raises the moon each night and guards the dreams of every pony in Equestria.” Scootaloo added and Hallowed nodded again.
“That’s the one.” He said, though Woona looked up at him with intensely adorable curiosity.
“I can really do all that?” She asked.
“Oh, um… not yet, honey, you will when you’re older.” He replied sheepishly, which caused the tiny princess to cross her fore-legs over her chest again in an adorable pout.
“Grown-ups are all the same.” She huffed and Hallowed sighed; he was going to have to get her lots of cookies to make up for this one.
“You can’t seriously expect us to believe she’s the great Moon Princess of Equestria.” Scootaloo stated.
“Why not?” Hallowed asked her.
“Because she’s a blank-flank and I know for a fact that Princess Luna has a cutie mark of a crescent moon and a star on a black background!” Scootaloo exclaimed, which caused Woona to narrow her eyes at her.
“I don’t like her, she’s mean.” The tiny princess said and Hallowed sighed again.
“Then just call her ‘Woona’ for the time being, okay?” He said the three fillies looked at each other for a moment before nodding and looking back.
“Okay. Woona, would you care to tell us how we can leave here?” Sweetie Belle asked and Woona looked at Hallowed, her head tilted sideways in curiosity.
“Well, you can’t leave until Luna gives you some advice.” He replied casually.
“Well, Ah don’t know what Ah need any advice on right now.” Applebloom said glumly.
“Neither do I.” Scootaloo piped in “Unless you wanna tell us how we can get our cutie-marks.”
“Hmm, maybe we can.” Hallowed replied, giving the three fillies a smile “Why don’t you tell us a little bit about that.”
“Okay, well, you know how cutie-marks are a sign of a pony’s special talent right?” Sweetie Belle asked and Hallowed nodded “Well, none of us have ours yet.”
“An’ we’re tired a’ waitin’ fer ours!” Applebloom added.
“Yeah, so we formed a group that’s all about finding our cutie-marks.” Scootaloo added as well “It’s just the three of us right now, but together we’re…”
Hallowed placed his hooves over Woona’s ears as the three fillies drew in a deep breath while wishing he’d remembered to bring some earplugs for himself.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS! YAY!”
“Ow…” Hallowed groaned when his hearing finally returned, though Woona didn’t understand why he’d covered her ears “Okay, and why don’t you tell us what you do on your… ‘Crusades’, I suppose.”
“Oh! We do all sorts a’ neat stuff!” Applebloom exclaimed.
“Yeah, but none of its worked so far, like we’ve tried baking and bowling and zip-lining and animal herding…” Scootaloo said, listing off increasingly absurd feats, over half of which Hallowed was pretty sure either weren’t physically possible or far too dangerous to be undertaken by little fillies like them “…And we’ve got even more stuff planned.”
“So… awesome…” Woona whispered in awe, then turned to Hallowed “Can I be a crusader, please?”
“Umm, no Luna.” He replied and the tiny princess once again crossed her fore-legs in an adorable pout “Anyway, why don’t you girls try… I don’t know, waiting. Your talents won’t appear overnight, you know.”
“That’s what everypony’s sayin’ but we’re tired a waitin’!” Applebloom wailed.
“Well, if that’s what everypony is saying, then perhaps you should-” Hallowed began but Woona jumped in front of him.
“Ignore them all!” She exclaimed happily.
“Luna, what do you think you’re-”
“I think it’s really cool that you’re trying to find your cutie-marks! So I say ignore what the grown-ups are saying. They’re all just great big sticks-in-the-mud anyway!” Woona said and the three fillies giggled.
“Now wait just a minute-” Hallowed began.
“Stick-in-the-mud!” Woona exclaimed, interrupting him.
“So… you really think we should continue trying everything we can think of to get our cutie-marks?” Sweetie Belle asked and Woona nodded excitedly.
“Yep!” Was her peppy response.
The Crusaders looked at each other for a moment before smiling broadly and looking back at the tiny princess.
“Thanks, Woona, that’s some really good advice you gave us!” Scootaloo said.
“Yeah, you’re completely right about grown-ups; they’re no fun at all!” Sweetie Belle added and Woona giggled, though Hallowed now had the same unamused expression Diamond Dust possessed earlier.
“Okay, I think that’s enough for now.” He said flatly and pointed a hoof off-stage “Why don’t you three get on back to whatever dreams you were having before you came here, hm?”
“Okay!” They said in unison and turned to leave “Bye, Woona!”
“Bye, Crusaders!” Woona replied, waving a hoof at them and then turned to smile at Hallowed “So can we get cookies now?”
“Oh, we’re going to get your cookies, alright.” He replied flatly and grabbed her ear in one hoof, dragging her away with pained yelps as the lights faded and the curtains fell “And then I’m telling your mother all about what you said here today.”
“Owie, owie, owie I’m sorry, please don’t tell mommy on me!”
Ye olde awwwwwwww
Daw, Princess Woona is so adorable.
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Assist Me!! Princess Luna!
Grammar Score (out of ten): 6.5
Pros:
1) Wow. I have never seen this style of story before! Complete removal of any walls of reality really suits it. This actually makes your own self-inserts not only bearable, but amusing.
2) What you did with Pinkie... that was cool. It was completely unexpected and really left me with that feeling of "By all that is holy, what did I just witness?!"
3) I'm not familiar with Blazblue at all (I don't know very many animes/games if I'm honest) but you described the characters well enough for me to picture them. Prof. Kokonoe's attitude is hilarious as well.
Cons:
1) While it did improve as I progressed (suggesting improvement on your end), your grammar in the beginning was fairly sub-standard.
2) You have a tendency to write very long sentences with high amounts of commas.
3) I noticed a few out-of-place tense switches (from present to future).
Notes:
This is the first Blazblue-crossover I've had the pleasure to read. While I was, at first, apprehensive about reading an unknown crossover, my fears were quickly assuaged by the humour in the first few chapters. I'm glad you adequately described the characters, as it enabled an outsider like me to actually picture them. Turns out, when I looked up images of them, my mental images weren't actually as far off as I thought they'd be, so points for that.
The whole repetitive intro to chapters thing is an interesting touch. I honestly can't tell if I like it or not. I think it's both because while it is a different idea, once I realised it was a recurring theme, I ended up just scrolling down the few 100 words it took up. Not sure if you care or not, but I'm not cool with the idea that people would skip past anything I wrote, personally.
Luna and Kokonoe's banter in the beginning was hilarious. You really got Luna's "early season 2" awkwardness down perfectly. I'm guessing that you've also done the same with Kokonoe's attitude as well, so if you did, props for making a very entertaining opening chapter. Having the Princess being told off like that was a great intro. Celestia behind the scenes was fairly amusing too.
About your prose and structuring: it does need a bit of work. Generally, people aren't really fond of reading sentences that extend beyond three lines without a period. A good indicator that a sentence is overly long is the amount of commas in it. Once you start going over three in a sentence, you should wrap it up as quickly as possible.
This is borderline, but you've other longer sentences in there too, such as
this is really great, descriptive-wise, but it's still far too long a sentence for a normal person to be comfortable reading. Perhaps consider that you don't have to completely describe a character in one sentence right away; rather, you can add in snippets of their description over multiple sentences further apart. It allows for more immersive reading.
I also noticed your dialogue punctuation is a bit off.
the period should be a comma. Just recurring stuff like that can annoy people over time.
Generally, I find your humour to be amusing. I was able to see past the infrequent errors and enjoy what you've gotten so far. The concept is just so far removed from what I've read before, that I was able to hunker down and finish up to this latest part in one sitting. Diamond Dust was interesting (and reminded me of Shiva from Final Fantasy X, whether that was your intention of not), not to mention Pinkie's true nature. THAT was very unexpected and rather entertaining to read.
There are a few tense-switches in here as well, which can be rather jarring if you're not careful:
Just keep vigilant about that in future and you'll do fine.
I recommend going over your earlier chapters and re-structuring your sentences, as well as fixing the dialogue punctuation. I also noticed that at the top of chapter 3, you have assitance instead of assistance.
One final thing: you actually managed to tactfully add your own OC into the story, fitting with the theme of "no fourth wall, no boundaries". This I actually liked, especially how you wrote yourself.
Overall, I award a personal score of 7.5/10, taking into account all pros and cons. It's entertaining, with all of the reality-shattering shenanigans, but it really does need a general tidy-up.
I hope you enjoy this review! I ask humbly that you counter-review my story, These Flowers Never Bloom. It has had reviews in the past, but it has also undergone a recent re-write, so some fresh opinion would be greatly appreciated. Have a great day/night, wherever you are!
3556966 Thank you very much for giving my story such a good review!
As soon as I'm able to get back to my computer (which should be sometime tomorrow) I'll go over your story and give as good of a review as I can.
Also, I'll try and fix those errors you pointed out.
To answer a couple of things; the reason the intro repeats each chapter is a reference to Kokonoe opens each of her "Help me!! Professor Kokonoe!" segements, and how the initial title changes is also a reflection. As for Diamond Dust, yes I named her as a reference to Shiva from Final Fantasy. I needed a good name for an OC that uses water and ice type magic and the name fit.