Sex is a part of life--even the life of our kind and gentle ponies. This is a collection of stories that use sex as a storytelling tool, not just cheap gratification.
And then as rarity waded the sheets, she couldn't help but think "how am I still a virgin?" When suddenly!!!
A rift in time and space riped open in the fashionista's laundry room causing her to scream in panic and tumble backwards in surprise. A head poked itself through the rift and looked around not seeing rarity in her frightened state. It was a beautiful fox girl with long blonde hair and golden eyes, her fur white a snow. She looked around then adjusted her small glasses. "Kieth! Through here! There's no one..." Her eyes rest on the terrified and now utterly confused rarity. " oh... This is awkward." The fox girl says staring at rarity in bewilderment. "What! What is it jay? What'd you find?" A young earth pony stallion with jet black fur and cropped ornage hair stood behind the fix holding a rifle. "Oh..." He notices rarity to. "She looks much prettier without the scars." The stallion nods giving rarity the quick look over. Rarity wanted to say something but was completely lost for words. "Ok let's go." The stallion started to step through the rift, and rarity could see he was sporting a 1920s style vintage vest shirt with pinstriped pants along with a leather holster. "Oh get back here!" The fox girl grabbed the stallion by the collar of his shirt an pulled him back through the pulsing hole. " We have found them!" A voice calls from father into the hole. Rarity leaned over to see another pegasus stallion in a bloodied lab coat along with several other Pegasi in simalar attire with cattle prods. " shit! It's the researchers!" " close the hole! Close the hole!" "I'm trying!" The rift began to shrink until it paused for a short second for the stallion to poke his head through to look at rarity. "You didn't see anything. Right!?" Rarity nodded her head vigorously " good and remember... Pedophila is bad mmmmkay?" The hole closed leaving the room in utter silence with a horrible seant of bloody organs being throne into a grinder. ( of course rarity would know what that smells like)
Okay, so let's focus on some goals here, not straight shameless clop and a one-shot. Fair enough. There is certainly a emotional element and quite a bit of build up to what's going on in and out of the clop, so I think you hit the nail there.
However, there were some very noticeable issues. The first is that there is a lot of information thrown out at the start that makes it seem like we're supposed to know a number of things revealed in a previous chapter... which as a one-shot is a not going to work, Changing Twilight's name and explaining them as folk and such are excellent examples. True, you can infer a lot of it, but it's still confusing to most and curious to the rest of us.
As for the sex itself, it was too short. The whole thing takes five paragraphs, and they're very small paragraphs.You paint a pretty picture, but we don't really get a idea of how the characters are feeling during the sex. Even the pleasurable elements of the sex are largely ignored, I mean they hit orgasm and it basically says they came or they orgasmed and that's it, not how the orgasm actually feels, what kind of sensations went through their bodies, or even just what it looked like. It doesn't draw you into the story like that. The orgasm is the best part of the sex usually, and should get some decent attention as such. Up until the actual sex, including the foreplay, you did marvelously, afterwards too. There's a lot right about this, but it still has large room for improvement. The ending is fantastic, and I got the feeling when he penetrated her that it was the case, so well done there.
Final note, eleven years is way too many between Spike and Rarity's age. Twilight was getting into kindergarten or grade school at the most and Rarity was taking part in a school play with food, we're talking 4-6 at the most, give or take a year based on birthdays.
2696761 I appreciate the long critique. I disagree with your view on the information I presented--I feel that it's more than self-explanatory; considering it's a humanized piece, it'd only make sense that they wouldn't be called unicorns or ponies, and the context explained itself well enough to not be very confusing. However, as for your view on the sex, I'll readily agree with you. My writing style has always been very, very concise, which makes sex scenes difficult for me, in addition to that piece being the first time I've ever really wrote something like that. I was bound to kinda screw the pooch on it in one way or another.
I love picturing Rarity as a black woman. It's not hard, since I had a similar friendship with a gorgeous black lady in the state I moved from (minus the age gap and sex). If I ran into her today, I would probably call her Rarity by accident.
What... what was thwe blood? Was she a virgin?
And then as rarity waded the sheets, she couldn't help but think "how am I still a virgin?"
When suddenly!!!
A rift in time and space riped open in the fashionista's laundry room causing her to scream in panic and tumble backwards in surprise.
A head poked itself through the rift and looked around not seeing rarity in her frightened state.
It was a beautiful fox girl with long blonde hair and golden eyes, her fur white a snow. She looked around then adjusted her small glasses.
"Kieth! Through here! There's no one..." Her eyes rest on the terrified and now utterly confused rarity.
" oh... This is awkward."
The fox girl says staring at rarity in bewilderment.
"What! What is it jay? What'd you find?"
A young earth pony stallion with jet black fur and cropped ornage hair stood behind the fix holding a rifle.
"Oh..." He notices rarity to.
"She looks much prettier without the scars." The stallion nods giving rarity the quick look over.
Rarity wanted to say something but was completely lost for words.
"Ok let's go." The stallion started to step through the rift, and rarity could see he was sporting a 1920s style vintage vest shirt with pinstriped pants along with a leather holster.
"Oh get back here!" The fox girl grabbed the stallion by the collar of his shirt an pulled him back through the pulsing hole.
" We have found them!" A voice calls from father into the hole. Rarity leaned over to see another pegasus stallion in a bloodied lab coat along with several other Pegasi in simalar attire with cattle prods.
" shit! It's the researchers!"
" close the hole! Close the hole!"
"I'm trying!"
The rift began to shrink until it paused for a short second for the stallion to poke his head through to look at rarity.
"You didn't see anything. Right!?"
Rarity nodded her head vigorously
" good and remember... Pedophila is bad mmmmkay?"
The hole closed leaving the room in utter silence with a horrible seant of bloody organs being throne into a grinder.
( of course rarity would know what that smells like)
Okay, so let's focus on some goals here, not straight shameless clop and a one-shot. Fair enough. There is certainly a emotional element and quite a bit of build up to what's going on in and out of the clop, so I think you hit the nail there.
However, there were some very noticeable issues. The first is that there is a lot of information thrown out at the start that makes it seem like we're supposed to know a number of things revealed in a previous chapter... which as a one-shot is a not going to work, Changing Twilight's name and explaining them as folk and such are excellent examples. True, you can infer a lot of it, but it's still confusing to most and curious to the rest of us.
As for the sex itself, it was too short. The whole thing takes five paragraphs, and they're very small paragraphs.You paint a pretty picture, but we don't really get a idea of how the characters are feeling during the sex. Even the pleasurable elements of the sex are largely ignored, I mean they hit orgasm and it basically says they came or they orgasmed and that's it, not how the orgasm actually feels, what kind of sensations went through their bodies, or even just what it looked like. It doesn't draw you into the story like that. The orgasm is the best part of the sex usually, and should get some decent attention as such. Up until the actual sex, including the foreplay, you did marvelously, afterwards too. There's a lot right about this, but it still has large room for improvement. The ending is fantastic, and I got the feeling when he penetrated her that it was the case, so well done there.
Final note, eleven years is way too many between Spike and Rarity's age. Twilight was getting into kindergarten or grade school at the most and Rarity was taking part in a school play with food, we're talking 4-6 at the most, give or take a year based on birthdays.
2696761
I appreciate the long critique. I disagree with your view on the information I presented--I feel that it's more than self-explanatory; considering it's a humanized piece, it'd only make sense that they wouldn't be called unicorns or ponies, and the context explained itself well enough to not be very confusing. However, as for your view on the sex, I'll readily agree with you. My writing style has always been very, very concise, which makes sex scenes difficult for me, in addition to that piece being the first time I've ever really wrote something like that. I was bound to kinda screw the pooch on it in one way or another.
I love picturing Rarity as a black woman. It's not hard, since I had a similar friendship with a gorgeous black lady in the state I moved from (minus the age gap and sex). If I ran into her today, I would probably call her Rarity by accident.
25? 14? Hmm... too large an age gap even accounting for species difference.
2695770I'll give it to you straight. this was the first time that she had been fucked, and spike was the one to do it.