Once upon a time there was an eminently sensible earth pony named Clyde, who had a beautiful wife and four children named Maud, Marble, Limestone, and Pinkie. Clyde loved his children and wife with all his heart, but his wife soon fell ill and died shortly after. Eventually, Clyde married a new mare, a unicorn sorceress.
Though Clyde's new wife loved the children at first, she soon became jealous of the time Clyde spent with them, and so she vowed to be rid of them. As the children swam in a lake, she cast a spell upon them to turn them into swans for nine hundred years. Though the unicorn sorceress told Clyde that the children had been killed by timberwolves, the swan that had been Maud told him the truth.
Clyde was furious, and thought about banishing the unicorn from his rock farm. But in his infinite sensibility, he thought of a new plan.
He said to the unicorn, "Return my children to me, for I have always loved you more than them, and it will not matter either way."
The unicorn was overjoyed, and undid her spell. As the four children returned to Clyde, he spoke again. "Now that I have my children back, you can leave before I call the guards."
The unicorn was shocked, but she realised that Clyde was far too sensible to fall for her tricks, and so she left the rock farm in disgrace.
The moral of the story is: An action made in anger is not always the best thing to do.
Clyde doesn't seem sensible enough here. He should have had guards waiting to arrest her, or some other way of ensuring that she's not going to be a future threat. If the unicorn goes free, who knows what kind of spell she'll cast on his children next time.
So what stopped the sorcerer from just re casting her spell? Clyde can't counter it.
He could also have pretended to love her and then strangled her in her sleep!
Then, he loads up the body in his car and runs it off a cliff into an oil refinery!
The massive explosion and fire takes care of the body and he can claim it was all an accident!
Until that one torn cuff alerts Jessica Fletcher that he was actually leaning over the body and tore it on the broken rear-view mirror which she could tell from the fracture marks had happened before the car exploded in the refinery and then gets him to spill the beans in the last 5 minutes of the episode while the cops are listening in the other room.
*Alondro really needs to stop binging on "Murder She Wrote"....*
6407488 As a writer, I think you've got it down. I interpret your Clyde differently than you do, and I think I said my reasoning, but that might say more about me than you. I don't think you're perfect, but if I knew how you could improve, I'd be writing stories myself.
That said: In regards to stories with morals, like this, try to think of possible alternative interpretations. The best aesops don't have any (Or at least, none that aren't extremely convoluted), or they're at least not mutually incompatible. If your story can say two completely contradictory things, I'm not sure it's saying anything at all.
6407488 I thought my criticism was quite specific but if you want it clearer then:
1) Clyde isn't acting like realistically sensible. Him replacing the wine with water is sensible because anyone in that world could predict that axes+alcohol = bad. Him following his brother, giving the stranger food and then turning down the golden goose are actions that someone who knows the story would take but Clyde isn't supposed to. That's what I meant by saying that he's sensible not omniscient. He has no reason to assume he needs to follow his brother nor any reason to assume taking the Goose would turn out bad.
2) If Clyde's plan relies on knowing things he shouldn't know then it's not really a very good plan. What even is his plan? Is he trying to stop his brother hurting himself or trying to start his own rock farm? What's his end goal? If the former then why did he follow his brother after replacing his wine and if the latter then why turn down the gold he needs to do it? On top of that are we really supposed to believe he planned the whole series of events because it seems more likely he's just acting on the fly, in which case the moral about plans being valuable comes out of nowhere.
3)“A well-implemented plan far exceeds a dubious miracle.” This moral is already questionable on it's own as quite a few people would feel you should be willing to take chances and turning down good luck to stick to a plan is safer but not necessarily better. It could even be taken as as sign of stubbornness, refusing to change his plans in the face of new information or take advantage of opportunities.
4) Even if someone accepts the moral the story doesn't support it. What about Clyde's plan is better than just taking the miracle? I've already said that Clyde's actual plan is pretty vague and relies on knowledge he shouldn't have but for the sake of argument let's accept the story is part of his plan to eventually get his own rock farm. By the end of the story he is no closer to that goal then he was at the beginning. The one thing in the story that would've moved him closer is the gold he turned down. Nothing in the story shows that he has any other way of setting it up so his plan seems to be just live with my abusive family, turn down all offers for help, then set up a rock farm and I'll be fine from then on. Also he says that he doesn't need gold now because when his business gets set up he'll have plenty but how does he afford the start up costs, and why does he take it for granted that the farm will be a safe and secure supply of money. It would make far more sense to just take the gold and use it to set up his far or simply keep it in reserve for a rainy day. This is made particularly grating when it's revealed that they're in the middle of a famine and gold is desperately needed. In short his plan isn't' good, nor is it well implemented nor is it any better than the "dubious miracle". Speaking of....
5) What is so dubious about this miracle? He has no reason at all to assume that taking the gold would lead to anything negative. It would help his plan not hinder it. There is no reason for him to think there's any sort of curse or issue associated with the gold or the stranger. Being suspicious would be reasonable but refusing it outright is just paranoid and counter-productive.
6) It's even kind of a stretch to treat it as a miracle at all. He has given an individual food so in return this individual wants to give him gold. That is not a miracle, that is a basic exchange of goods, nothing magical or miraculous needed. If you mean miracle as in just a stroke of good fortune the it makes the previous problems even worse. "Always turn down good luck so you can stick to your plan, no matter how bad your plan is", is a shitty aesop but it's the aesop the actions in this story support.
So is that specific enough for you?
Edit: so apparently the stranger does mention his brother is in danger. So you can ignore the criticism about that part.
6407723 It's a miracle that anyone ever invites that horrible woman or wants to spend time with her - wherever she goes, the bodies pile up. Why hasn't anyone drawn the obvious conclusion yet?
6408365
"Sorry, but my special talent is in Conjuration, and my favorite spell just happens to be 'Conjure Corpse"...
6407690 6406831 This is actually a really good point, and one I was thinking of. It doesn't seem very sensible to piss off someone able to turn you into a swan without already having a way to counter their ability somehow. This chapter simply doesn't pass muster.
Also, shouldn't Pinkie's name be listed as Pinkamena?
6408045 Clyde's brother is a clumsy fool liable to hack off his own leg. Clyde volunteered to cut the wood for just this reason. You don't need to be psychic to figure he might need help. What if Clyde hadn't gone to help and his brother had died in the woods? It's far more sensible to be safe than risk being sorry. Also, beware of strangers bearing gifts: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't. Plus, he apparently had a plan or the means to realize his goals anyway, and he was busy making sure his fool brother wasn't offing himself in the woods. Then consider other consequences: Even if he's apparently heartless and cares nothing for his brother like you, what would happen if he showed up with all kinds of wealth and then his brother was found dead in the woods?
Clyde has the following traits in the story:
1) Risk Assessment: His damn fool brother is willing to chop while intoxicated and is apparently already clumsy, so he's liable to chop off his own leg.
2) Fraternal Affection: He cares about his brother. To the extent that he is willing to volunteer to cut wood because he believed his brother might injure himself and then replaces his brother's wine with grape juice to reduce the risk, and finally to follow his brother to make sure that if he hurts himself, he will have help.
3) Straight Prioritization: He places the risk to his brother's life above dubiously gaining wealth.
4) Forethought: He already has a plan or the means to achieve his goals.
6406831
I should have caught that. That's a very good point. My bad.
6408365 She has the power to compel people to commit murders so she can write novels about it!
SUCH DARK POWERS!!
Wait a tic.... ANGELA LANSBURY WAS A WITCH TWICE!!!
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So she wasn't acting after all! She must weigh less than a duck, therefore... a witch!
ERMAHGERD!!! ER HERV FERND DER KERNSPERERCY!!!
Wonder how they met :rainbowlaugh
6414672
I dunno.
I was raised to reward good, and punish evil. Allowing evil to do what it wants...doesn't sit right with me. Evil is it's own reward, and if I (as a good man) stand by and do nothing to punish it and stop it...then it will continue forever.
So it kind of irks me when people feel sorry for the bad guy, when the bad guy is clearly planning, plotting, and executing evil acts. There is no justification for screwing over another persons life, and those that go out of their way to do so SHOULD be punished, and stopped, by any means necessary.
The title made me think of Stephen King's "The Children of the Corn".