It had all started out, in all earnest, as we went on a short trip, just Pinkie Pie and I. Now, we had set out to have a day, or possibly a week of, just the two of us.
I had teleported the two of us out of Ponyville, just to get out of the buzz, in order to some quality time. That's where it all started, but it isn't where it ended.
What came next, is the surprise, and shock. It's not that I like her, or enjoy her company, quite to the contrary. Only now, I had found myself trapped by my own emotions for her.
Chapters (2)
that grammar...
Haven't read yet. But let me help with your opening description:
earnest
Ponyville
buzz of what? What was she getting away from?
shock
contrary
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The ending didn't really make sense and might scare away some of the people who look at this from giving it a go.
3730138 Thanks, suggested changes are henceforth implemented.
3730123 sorry, I guess the grammar isn't my strong suit?
3730138 I hope I fixed all the problems you mentioned, right along with another in the story, and implemented another detail I was asked for in another story.
I hope this makes for a more enjoyable read!
I'm obviously late to this party, but this story has so many problems I think I just have to point them out.
First of all, you CANNOT say 'ofhorse'. That is the stupidest shit I have ever seen.
The dialogue is horribly OOC, and even worse, it basically only tells. There is no showing in this story, just blah blah this happened, blah blah this other thing happened.
I have no real idea what the hell is even going on, because there are no clues as to what is actually happening in the story, just these vague descriptions of events that don't even seem to line up properly. Eugh. It's so bad, I can't even think of where to bash next, so I'll simply end this comment here.
5067565 This is still an old story that never really got going.
Maybe you could be an example of "Show, don't Tell", by elaborating on a single problem?
I would love to see how you reason, behind what you just blurted out.
Since it would be several months since I was working on the story, I will have to go over it in order to at least bring it up to where I am now and to see what I missed.
I must say... There are many exclamation points in this story. Are they excited about mostly everything?
On the other hand it's a good starting point of the story.