The warrior of equestria

by mrgamer90001

Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic

We all showed up outside the portal witch closed down five seconds after i came through.
"Where are we?" asked Conner examining the area
"To be honest i grabbed the first universe i saw so i don't know where we are. Let's follow the brown dirt road." I said in a singing tone.
"Did you just reference the Wizard of oz?" Sarah asked with a smile on her face
"maybe i dunno let's just walk."
I said trying to hide the fact that he referenced a movie he saw last night.

They kept walking until they saw a village up ahead, Thats when I created a check list for a multi-verse and checked of all the things he saw so far
"Plant life? check. Intelligent life? check. Habitable planet? what the bloody hell is that i just checked off that plant and intelligent life life here so..."
"WERE HERE!" Sarah and conner yelled at me in unison when i noticed we were at a bridge that goes into town.
"Oh sorry. Got carried away in my work i guess."
"ya' think?" Conner said
"No i guessed two different things." i said reasoning with him
"Oh shut up." Conner said a bit annoyed that i told him off
"Bite me." We ended our argument when we saw a bunch of pastel colored unicorns, pegasi, and regular equins talking to each other.
"Dominant species? ponies." writing it out on the sheet of paper.
"Am i the only one that thinks this is weird?" Sarah asked as she looked at me and her brother. We both simply nodded in approval.

"LOOK OUT BELOW!" said from above us. Conner lept to the left and Sarah rolled to the right and i well... didn't hear anything so i looked at them like they were crazy until i was blind sited by a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail with a rainbow light bolt for a... tattoo? weird . I hit the ground with a large thud with the sound of pain faintly escaping my lips.
"Hehe sorry about that, hey are you even listening? What are you?" asked the cyan Pegasus.
"Ok let me make this clear ok? Never pull that shit again! Anyways yes i'm listening, apology accepted, and i'm a human same with Sarah and Conner." I said with pain in my voice as i stood up.

"Woah! watch the language buddy and wow you're your tall."
Her eyes wide with shock as i stood at my full 6'3 height.
"thank you for the complement." i said smiling
"I don't know what a human is but i think i know somepony that does." the rainbow pegasus said
"Wait.. somepony? HAHAHA!" i fell to the ground laughing at the terminology of this place.
"Quiet down you're getting everypony's attention!" the pegasus said
"EVERYPONY! HAHA" still laughing finally Conner grabbed my lips to quiet me and i stopped and we made to a tree. Thats right a motherfucking tree. WHO THE HELL TAKES AN UNKNOWN SPECIES TO A FUCKING TREE WITH WINDOWS IN IT!
"Well never seen a tree before." i said in a sarcastic tone.
"Say whats your name?" i asked the rainbow colored pegasus.
"I'm rainbow dash the fastest flyer in equestria!" rainbow dash beamed As we walked inside a lavender unicorn was rearranging books when rainbow dash said "Hey twilight, i have somepony you would like to meet."

Comments

[Roudee]

This is sloppy. There are spelling and grammar errors in nearly every sentence. The plot makes no sense, and it is way too rushed. You need more than an editor; you need English lessons.

[Reeve]

I absolutely love how the words chemistry and magic potions were in the same sentence of your description

[Sigma EXE]

31.media.tumblr.com/62ff8d256e0b84273ec621b07dea4bfa/tumblr_n32wezVes41tw1vhco1_500.gif

[mrgamer90001]

4164215 I enjoy the humor of this picture

[Elric of Melnipony]

Your story is bad and you should feel bad.

[Eagle]

4171931
Good Lord, you're laying it on thick, eh?

[The Commissar]

4178772 No, he's really not.

[Pirate Jesus]

Ok. So, I already have warning signs that this is not going to be a good time just from your description. First, Jonathan Vendetta? Really? You couldn't think of anything better as your MC's first name? You could at least try some names like:

-Ron Callahan
-Isaac Westin
-Elijah Fuller
-Gregory Foster
-Andrew Fletcher

There. There's five names it took me literally twelve and a half seconds to think of that have at least a shred of realism.

Speaking of realism, what average high schooler, particularly from New York, has swordsmanship and "chemistry" (magical potions is alchemy and a totally different science, by the way) as hobbies. I know you were trying to explain why he has said skills before the story, but it makes it look sloppy and halfbaked.

In addition, as someone who has trained with swords, let me tell you, it is hard as living fuck to find a gym and equipment to support the hobby, let alone that it can get expensive, so again, this is not what an average high schooler would do with his free time. As for the chemistry, I'm willing to give you a small bit of room on that given how it is much easier to pick up since chemistry can be mostly learned from a book and swordsmanship requires, like I said, a lot of practice. Problem is, as I said, chemistry isn't used to make "magic potions" and even medicine created by chemistry is often too complex for a high schooler, especially in conjunction with the relative scarcity and expense of raw ingredients, apparatuses, and tools.

Other than that, there isn't a whole lot for me to say that isn't usual bad HiE diagnosis: bad grammar, flat characters, overpowered OC devoid of personality, andplot with epic scope feeling less sweeping than Shakespeare in the park. I suggest hauling this one all the way back to the drawing board.

[youlose]

Hey I'm this guys "friend" and he obviously used mine and his other friends name in it but he didn't even spell it right. Which for the record is actually amazingly bad not to be mean STEVEN but you suck. It is spelt "Connor" which isn't hard to mess up. I don't mean to be mean but was absolutly horrid to read. I'm not even gonna poi t out all the errors because everypony else already did so just to be nice I will like this story, and everyone out there that had to sit through this excruciating story don't worry because I will be helping him on his most adjacent or next story.