• Member Since 1st Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 3rd, 2023

SaiyanApprentice


I just make Fanfics for fun and I do like to attempt to tell a good story

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Digital Grove is a young father, all he wants to do is make his young six year old daughter happy and to do whats best for her. Digital moves to Ponyville with his daughter so he can move forward and continue to run away and forget his past mistakes he has made, while giving his daughter better chances in life.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 4 )

the Sun was bright with clear sky's, the animals are out, and everything that made gorgeous day perfect.

The. Also, add a between made a gorgeous.

... on second thought, I'm not going to give you a blow by blow on errors, because I'll miss too much. There's a lot of obvious capitation issues, like I told you last time, and some tense issues. Also, you need to add commas in some sentences. Get an editor to help more.

I think it's a sound idea, and I enjoy it. Keep at it, because I'd like to see how your writing changes as your skills grow. And sorry for not commenting earlier, I was busy. :twilightsheepish: hehehehe :unsuresweetie:yeah. guess it's not an excuse.

4280810 it's alright man we all have plans

Pretty good, dude. There was a lot of problems with punctuation and capitalization, so I'd advise a readthrough to fix it up a bit. Also, you spend a good deal of time having Dig telling others "he doesn't want to talk about it." This is just a bit unrealistic. You reveal a lot of stuff through the dialogue, but that's not exactly a good thing in this case. You lay everything flat out instead of implying and hinting. Take the scene Rarity and Dig talks about Sugar's mom. If you right it were some of the information was implied, it would look more like this:

"Sugar seems like such a precious filly," Rarity said. "You must be so proud. But that begs the question of who's the lucky mare in your life."

Digital's smile faded away and it seemed like his left leg gave a slight jerk mid step. Around his fetlock was a thin band of fur darker than the rest, almost as if it's been kept covered, like the mark one gets from wearing a wedding band for a long period of time.

Rarity looked away from the stallion. "I'm sorry," she said. "The loss must have been hard."

Digital only nodded. They continued to walk in a tense silence before he spoke up. "She's not dead, or anything."

"I see." Rarity glanced towards Digital, the far off look he had, the almost pain stance he held while walking. She decided it was best to leave well enough alone and change the subject. "So, Digital, darling, what can you tall me about your cutie mark?"

How you do it is up to you, but while writing, keep in mind a character can say a lot more with their body and actions rather than their words, and those actions will have a far deeper meaning than any words.

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