- Member Since 22nd Dec, 2011
- offline last seen May 10th
Gabriel LaVedier
Just another University-edicated fanfiction writer who prefers the cheers and laughter of ponies to madness and sorrow.
Gabriel LaVedier
Joined 22nd Dec, 2011 ·
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Okay, while I love this series, and loathe anything Fall related, I think you're doing a bit of a disservice to the story by constantly insulting the Caribou in the narration. I can tell this is being told from a third person perspective, probably someone who doesn't hold a high opinion of the brutes, but by constantly painting them as dumb, oafish morons, you're taking away from your protagonist. Okay, he's smart, smooth, deadly... but he only proves so against a foe that is too dumb to walk and chew gum. King Dainn is one of the most painful Mary Sues I've seen on this site, yes. But still, he's the main villain. We only ever see the Caribou doing horrible acts of rape, but that is because we only ever see them in fetish smut.
Again, I hate the very idea of the Caribou, but you should probably tone down the rhetoric in the narration. Show them as a viable enemy, otherwise it's never an engaging story, merely watching someone pick on the Special Ed kid, you know?
Also, as I was corrected when I had my little picture made, Shining Armor was corrupted by Caribou Mind control. So in this universe, he's not a traitor: he's a naive idiot who falls for the same trick twice.
4628233
Ah. I see. Well, I can at least justify the Arch-Magus' misinformation.
If you like, you can look on the narration as being with a slant towards the rebels. You don't talk up your enemy as cunning and invincible. You call them brutish oafs to make them less frightening while treating them with the appropriate level of caution.
Now, the other part is: They really are bigoted and primitive savages. Socially regressive, technologically backwards, morally bankrupt, and only successful because they had the ultimate Gary Stu at the helm. It continues because they have raw numbers. I also defend my depiction as a disorganized mess because rationality would dictate that any nation focused on slave sex and the processing/breaking of sex slaves (at a level beyond even Rome) would make them weak, disorganized and distracted.
I'll keep your criticisms in mind, however. But keep in mind, these stories are rhetorical devices. I once mentioned the example of Cato, who ended every speech with "Carthage must be destroyed." Eventually the idea fell into popularity. The idea is to reiterate constantly that caribou are primitive monsters, so that folk cease to associate positive thoughts with them. But I'll make the effort to balance rhetoric and storytelling.
4628233
Additionally, there is the issue of "defeminization of Equestria" where heart, flower and happy rainbow nature motifs have been excised in favor of, well, clumisly oafish strawman masculinity, the Id-centered sex and violence (like the foolishness of turning the Crystal Heart into a penis). It's a ludicrously witless universe made for hipsters to titter over while clopping. Why should I expend overmuch effort to treat the bad guys with anything approaching respect? (I also made every effort to have the male characters act in some manner like the few examples I've encountered, which includes mindless brutality and the title of C-You-Next-Tuesday for all women.)
You and your steampunk... This is terrifying, in a way, but... do what needs must be done, even with harsh experiments like this.
4662514
They always intended to use the Elements to power devices. This was very inspired by Dr. Who Cybermen used for good. The idea is that she retIna autonomy; that all the Everloyal have autonomy to choose to become Everyloyal. Caribou offer no choice, while the underground does. The thing is I have to hedge my writing so nothing I write can be used by Fall numpties to support the Fall ideas. It's why I'm reflexively negative about all things caribou. That and they're pure evil.
4663104
I'll drink to that...
I liked how the previous chapter ended. One of the first fics I ever read was another story where a new band of Element Bearers had to rise to the occassion. Yet I got involved with the fandom towards the end of Season 2, and fimfiction even later. By this point, it seemed to have become a tired trope, and I didn't see new ones really rise to any prominence. That style of story continues to be one of my favorites (when done well of course; I don't give free passes).
Now, out of nowhere, we have the Element of Loyalty turning people into magical Robocops... besides this feeling really bizzare (and your depiction on magitech isn't unique or more interesting than what's been done before), this story feels like it's suffering from an identity crisis.
4676303
According to the contrived schitzotech of the original Fall there are worse things; at least this machine makes sense, but let me explain.
Following the fall of Paddock Fifty-One in "The Promises" there were a lot of stolen plans and theoretical frameworks that some of the researchers snuck out, as well as the huge piles of things the Black Knight nicked. Included in that were theoretical explorations of what the Elements could do individually. The magical resonances combined with technology and spells along with the potential new spells and capabilities to be developed. Loyalty, for example, binds the "soul" to the body after vitality has left to allow for the reanimation, not resurrection. The avowed are essentially motivated by a powerful variant of a come-to-life spell, while the external energy and mechanistic metabolism keep the body moving. Ultimately, it's a little less zany than some of the canon effects (resurrecting Sombra, transforming a frog into a frogorange, combining Fluttershy with a bat and even Luna having a cloak made of living bats.)
It's not perfect, by any means. But I at least hope that makes some kind of sense. Just think of RoboCop/Cybermen. They want to keep fighting and want the power to fight well.
4678034
Oh yeah, The Promises. I actually tried reading that, but among all those footnotes, you mentioned 'Elements of Discord' as prior reading. Being the completionist I am, I felt the urge to seek that out before reading the rest of Promises. I searched that, and I didn't get around to asking you: do you mean Elements of Discord by Riften? Or The Elements of Discord by Midnightshadow?
4682233
I meant "The Elementa of Discord" by me, the very first thing I ever wrote. It's a bit rough by my current standards but it does form the basis for every story in the "Spoiled Barrel" universe. It sets up, among other things, Bad Apple (The Black Knight is Bad Apple with the names changed and the serial numbers filed off) and Crescent Sliver (the Arch-Magus.) Along with relationships with the Princesses and a few other elements.
Magical Steampunk Cyborgs, you have my interest.
4716438
I so hoped that folk would like the Everloyal. I happen to enjoy golems and automata, especially those with wills and thoughts of their own (like the Golem in the "Ragman" comic, or Robocop.)
Black Knight keeps a gun? I can see how he uses this to drive himself forwards and never give up but still...I get the feeling he needs a hug.
Read both chapters, we now have another element and a bit more to the rebel strategy, I love Black Knights character and this shadow war they wage. I hope we don't have to wait too long for the next chapter but if it's a good as this then I can manage.
Got a broken bbcode...
What the title reminded me of.
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120430002042/playstationallstarsbattleroyale/images/f/f1/Tm_sweettooth.jpg
One thing quickly, did you mean for the last 50 or so paragraphs to be italicized? Because they come right after the song, so it feels like that was just all caught up by mistake. I don't know what it's like to upload a story.
4973276
It's another cleverly unstated reference to the Black Knight's "true identity" (the nocturlabe too.) He is implied to have liberated the gun from Paddock 51, and now keeps it in a cage like it was a dangerous animal. It would be so easy to give his soldiers some version of a gas pistol. to stoop to the level of easy outs. He chooses not to because he maintains parity with the world he wants to rebirth. Evil created the pistol, and intended to use it for conquest. He fights on with what they had before.
The tail end of summer is a punishing oven that makes my writing area too hot to be in. Truthfully, if it isn't exactly unsafe, it's unbearable at least.
4976499
Coding, I have discovered, is unforgiving and will destroy you if you miss the smallest thing. Actually, small things seem worse than large ones. This holds true in BASIC, COBOL, LISP, Java and even BBCode.
Stratego! I loved that game!
I'm sorry. I cannot take your story seriously anymore. You were on the right track describing the horrors, but then this came up. Where's the comedy tag? These guards have just uttered one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. I've been hearing it for a while now, but this topped everything so far.
4628233 I have to second this. The protagonist is only as good as his antagonist, and frankly? The Caribou are being portrayed as so stupid that...there's no excuse. They shouldn't have won for any reason whatsoever, so now I'm just assuming this is a disturbing story Discord wrote after he ate an orderly number of bananas and that was like injecting liquid cocaine into anyone else.
So...yeah. Caribou are alright to be described as ignorant, but to be so stupid is to wonder how their species ever survived in the first place.
7732099
Here's the fun bit: Is the Decon-Recon funny on its own, or is it funny because the original creator's intent shines through most clearly after being broken down and built up in a world where simplistic porn motivation is shown beside actual concerns? The value is in its propaganda. They could not have won, should not survive, and are little more than idiotic nothings. Weirdly, they are not all that far off from actual hypermasculinists who write sociopolitical theses about destroying all things feminine to give power to men. Or no less hard to believe than Plato arguing about intentionally making people stupid to make them easy to rule. See also "Brave New World" and "1984."
Very happy to see a new chapter!
10838464
It was nice to come back to