Wanting an orange, getting a pegasus
Twilight, Apple, Orange and Rainbow
Wanting an orange, getting a pegasus
Everything was quiet in Twilight’s Castle, except for a certain alicorn pacing around, her horn shimmering from time to time in soft light. She walked quickly, mumbling to herself while all windows and doors shut and locked as she passed by.
“Locked, locked… locked… everything will be fine… only a few more… locked aand locked.” she seemed to talk to herself the whole time.
As she reached the giant gate, her strong magic grabbed it, closing it with a loud noise, followed by some clicking as the strong locks slid in.
“No distractions today. No Pinkies, not anything, but most importantly: No Pinkies!” Twilight shouted the last two words, causing Spike to come and see what was going on.
“Twilight? Is everything alright? Why are you screaming?” he asked, concern on his face.
“Oh, Spike! No, everything is fine. I’m trying the transformation spell again and I don’t want any distractions like last time. And that means no Pinkie Pie!” the mare replied, smiling a bit.
“But you already mastered this one Twilight. You turned a frog into an Orange, even a bird into one!” the dragon said, giggling loudly at the memory.
The purple alicorn just rolled her eyes. “Very funny Spike, but today I’m trying various transformations. Would you be so kind as to clean up upstairs? And don’t disturb me please!”
“I thought we were taking a break, but sure, Twilight.” came back and he was gone.
Sighing, Twilight made her way into her study-room to prepare a few last things. She took a list from her desk and went to a small table, looking through the prepared objects on it and marking them on the list.
“The classic one, apple into an orange. I got the apple, check… Cider into wine. The cider is here, check… Bowl into a glass and I got the bowl ready, so check. Bug into a butterfly and we got the bug here, also check. Aaand the last one… Owl into a eagle… thanks for your help owlicious by the way… check. Everything is there!” Twilight exclaimed happily, the list disappearing quickly in her magical aura. “We can start, I guess?”
The only answer she got was a small ‘who?’ from owlicious.
“Yes, you’re right, we should really start before something or somepony distracts us.” Twilight replied before focusing on the apple in front of her. “Just a second of focusing aaand…”
The next thing she heard was the sound of something quickly approaching, and just before she cast the spell, Twilight was greeted by a loud crash and pain in her flank as something hit her, causing her to fall down and her spell to go elsewhere, but definitely not into the target.
Twilight rubbed her head and stood up slowly, just to find a certain cyan pegasus next to her, groaning and mumbling.
“Rainbow Dash! What in Celestia’s name was that? You ruined my spell!” she exclaimed angrily.
“Uhh Twilight?” Rainbow shook her head and jumped up, looking at the mess around them. “heh heh oops… sorry Twilight! You know, I was trying that new stunt and a strong breeze disturbed me and yeah…”
“So you crashed into the castle? I was used to you crashing into the library, since it was located below your usual training ground, but now? The castle is not even near it!” Twilight replied, trying to calm down.
Wait a second… Rainbow Dash crashed because of a strong breeze? This is unusual…
“Geez, I’m sorry Twilight! And about that spell… if it included transforming something into an orange with the legs of a table, you clearly did it!” Rainbow said. “Besides, I moved my training ground, you know…”
“No that wasn’t the target!” the alicorn snorted. “And what do you mean that you moved your training ground?”
Rainbow just mumbled something inaudible as answer.
“Beg my pardon, what was that?” Twilight asked.
“Nothing Twilight! Want me to help you clean this up? I‘ve got nothing else to do at the moment.” Rainbow asked, blushing a bit.
Twilight froze, her jaw nearly falling open.
Did she just ask what I thought I heard?
“Hey, Equestria to Twilight are you there?” Rainbow asked, waving a hoof in front of her and snapping her out of her thoughts.
“Huh? Oh, yes Rainbow, everything is fine. I would love your help!” the alicorn said and smiled a bit.
She went to work, telling the pegasus exactly what to do. Rainbow worked eagerly, surprising Twilight with it. She watched the cyan mare for a while and blushed at her thoughts.
She is acting really strange today. Mhh I never realized how beautiful she looks… Wait, what?
The alicorn blushed furiously and shook her head, quickly returning to cleaning up. They both worked for some time before Twilight’s study-room looked like it did before Rainbow’s ‘visit’.
“Phew, looks like we’re done. Thanks for the help Rainbow.” Twilight said, looking out of the window to see the sun going down and the moon rising. “Oh it is already that late. I guess I will continue tomorrow.”
Rainbow smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, no problem Twilight. I’d do anything for a friend. I better go now, see ya egghead.” and with that she took off through the window she’d crashed through earlier..
Twilight fixed the window before heading to her bedroom. On her bed, she laid awake for some time, thinking about the day.
What is wrong with Rainbow? What is wrong with me? I’ve never really thought she is beautiful before… Why am I even thinking about it?
Slowly and unsteady, Twilight went into dreams…
***
Twilight sat on a hill with beautiful view over Ponyville. She felt happy, as if everything was just perfect. The weather was fine and despite the cold wind around her, she was pretty warm.
Turning her head, the purple alicorn found the source. A cyan pegasus with rainbow mane snuggled against her, a small smile on her muzzle. She was asleep and her breath was slow and steady.
The purple mare was happy and she couldn’t tell why. As she watched Rainbow sleeping peacefully, a deep smile formed on her muzzle and something fluttered in her stomach. It was her place, her Rainbow. It was where she was meant to be.
Unfolding a wing, Twilight softly stroked over Rainbow’s coat, enjoying the touch. The pegasus stirred and her eyes slowly opened, her sleepy gaze meeting Twilight’s and taking on a loving expression. The feeling in Twilight strengthened.
Rainbow smirked and leaned in, her wings slowly pulling Twilight closer until their breath touched. Then their lips met, starting a firework in Twilight she would never forget.
***
Twilight suddenly awoke, coat sweaty and her heart hammering like she was on a run. She remembered her dream, every single second, yet she was unsure about it.
Why did I dream about such things with Rainbow?
Shaking her head, she got up and went to the bathroom to get ready for the day. She also decided to visit Applejack later, maybe she would have an of idea what had happened.
Twilight stepped into her shower and turned the valve, warm water starting to splash on her, dripping down her coat. The warm feeling reminded her of the dream again, causing her stomach to flutter.
She quickly finished her shower and dried her coat before turning to the mirror and brushing her mane and tail. Something was wrong and she had the feeling it was about Rainbow Dash.
Twilight left her castle and went straight to Sweet apple acres. Even from afar she could see a certain orange mare bucking some apple trees. As she came closer the mare recognized her, pausing her work.
“Howdy Twilight! What leads you here today?” she asked, still breathing hard.
The alicorn smiled and hugged her friend. “Good morning Applejack. Can I talk with you for a minute? It’s pretty important.”
“Of course, Twilight! You know that ah’d do anything for a friend. What is it?” Applejack replied, returning the hug strongly.
Twilight hesitated, but the reassuring smile of her friend helped. “Rainbow crashed into the castle yesterday and made a mess. When I asked her for help she immediately agreed and helped me pretty fast. She seemed weird, and then I had a dream about her…”
“Hmm…” Applejack scratched her chin with a hoof, thinking. “That’s weird, she’s never agreed for cleaning her mess without any discussion. And what was your dream of?”
“Well, Rainbow was at my side… I felt great, and then we kissed… My heart pounded fast and my stomach felt like.. fluttering… What is wrong with me?” Twilight looked worried.
“Sugarcube, theres nothing wrong with you! If you ask me, you’re perfectly fine!” Applejack smiled.
“But what happened then?” Twilight was confused.
“Honestly?” Applejacks smile turned even brighter. “I think you have a crush on Rainbow.”
The alicorn froze in shock. “What?”
“You heard me Twilight. I think you have a crush on that pegasus.” the orange mare repeated and winked.
“W-what? But what should I do now? Is there a book about having a crush on somepony I should read? Can I even have a crush if I don’t even know what exactly that means?” Twilight’s mind went in panic-mode.
“Twilight, calm down! After what you told me I’m pretty sure that Rainbow feels the same. You have to talk to her sugarcube!” Applejack said and put a hoof around Twilight. “Talk to her, you will feel better. Trust me!”
Twilight gulped and her mind pondered.
Can I really just talk with Rainbow? Is it that easy?
She wasn’t sure about it and looked to Applejack, who smiled and nodded. The orange mare was being honest and Twilight knew it.
“Thank you Applejack. You’re a true friend.” the alicorn said, pulling her into a tight hug.
“You’re welcome sugarcube.” came the reply and she broke away.
With a last smile the alicorn spread her wings and took off, her destination a certain cloud home, not far away in the sky.
***
“Rainbow Dash, are you there?” Twilight asked, knocking for the like fifth time on the door.
No answer. Twilight breathed deeply and pushed against the door, making it swing open. It was unlocked. Slowly, she went in and looked around. She searched around, but didn’t find the pegasus. when she reached the bedroom, Rainbow wasn’t there either, but some picture frames besides the bed caught her attention.
One was a picture of Rainbow and Spitfire, but the other one shocked the alicorn. It was a picture of her before the coronation. She was still a unicorn and looked like she was focused on a few flasks, the tip of her tongue sticking out of her muzzle in concentration.
Why does she have a picture of me besides her bed? Applejack was right…
She picked the frame up with a wing, carefully, as if it were a treasure. The warm and fluttering feeling rushed over her again as she thought about Rainbow. Deep in her thoughts, she didn’t hear the pegasus entering the room, standing in shock at the door.
“T-twilight? What are you doing here?”
The alicorn jumped up, nearly dropping the frame and turning around, looking into the shocked and confused expression of the cyan pegasus.
“Rainbow! I’m sorry! I knocked, but nopony answered and the door was open… Rainbow? Why do you have a picture of me on your nightstand?” Twilight tried to stay calm, but her heart pumped faster and louder with every second passing by.
“Twilight… I can explain…” Rainbow started and the alicorn could see the fear entering her face.
She hadn’t a single clue if it was right, but she stepped forward after softly placing the frame back. Twilight came closer and could see the fear in Rainbow rise. As she stood directly in front of her, she could feel the pegasus’ breath on her muzzle.
Twilight felt the urge to just kiss her, but was afraid it could be way too much. Instead, she opened her wings wide, pulling Rainbow into a feathery embrace and gently nuzzling her neck.
“It is alright Rainbow, you can tell me everything.” she whispered softly.
“T-Twilight…” it was nearly inaudible.
“Yes, Rainbow?”
“I love you Twilight.” came the soft answer and Rainbow broke the embrace, just to do something Twilight never expected.
Rainbow closed the last gap between their muzzles until their lips met. Twilight felt free, as if all burdens from the world had fallen off of her. She leaned in, enjoying it eagerly and melting into Rainbow’s lips.
“As they broke apart Twilight smiled and said the words, her pounding heart screamed.
“I love you too, Rainbow.”
With that she leaned forward, pressing her lips on Rainbow’s this time. Applejack was right. Everything was perfectly fine...
A small one-shot as early H&H special!
Wrote it in around 72 minutes so please don't expect great things 
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Well, that was.....fast. It was pretty rushed and entirely made of TwiDash-cliches. It's not a bad story but I read already hundreds of similar TwiDash-Stories and some of them had a better pacing.
I guess it's good enough for a 72h work.
5620933
it wasn't planned and just made out of boredom.
Thanks to a friend, I decided to publish it.
Also 72 minutes, not hours
most defininatly a good short work. Lots of Good feels for it to.
Pretty nice, liked the feels, even if it was rushed (though that's to be expected from such a short writing time).
You might want to go through the speech, you used full stops instead of commas, e.g.
Things like that end with commas, since you gave a description of what was said afterwards.
There's also a stray " on the third from last line, that's all though (that I spotted)
5622309
Thanks
Well I'm not native-english and got some probs with It.
I'll ask my editor to get over it again.
5622845
Don't care about it Scratchy
You write awesome stories with your high-school english
5624198
Well, I try to, but some of my stories like the roommates sequel getting instant minus votes without any comments.
And that only five minutes after the story was up
Anyways, thanks
5622309 Thanks for pointing out the random quotation mark. I occasionally miss little things like that, though I'm working on it. Where is it that you're saying a comma should be? I can't figure it out from how you worded your sentence. "Things like that" isn't very descriptive.
5624198
5624204
Scratch does exceptionally well for someone who isn't a native English speaker. I've seen many who are native speakers that neither write nor speak English as well as she writes. As I edit her stories, I also see her improving with each one. Soon enough she'll be so good at it that all I'll be there for is to go "Yep, it's good." Don't let other people's opinions of your skill get you down my friend, because I'd bet money that you're better at what you do than most if not all of them. =)
5624246 Sorry, with speech in writing like the example I used, when the speaking finishes and the quotation marks end you need to use a comma when you go on to describe the speech. Here's what I'm on about:
instead of
That isn't an example from the story but it was just a quick example. Does that clear up the uncertainty?
5624283
If it comes to that point, you might as well quit your editing career. Because there will always be something. Whether that is the story flow, grammar or syntax, awkward phrasing, strange formatting and a ton of other things that I can't name from the top of the head. And just from a quick skim, this suffers from everything listed.
For instance:
Characterization errors: Twilight acts as she was in Lesson Zero all over again, because... Well... Pinkie is a pest, apparently, and we all know what Twilight will do not to interfere with her experiments: Politely ask her to do so. It's not like locking the doors to prevent interference from a pony who can easily break the fourth wall ever helped.
Mechanical errors:
Missing a direct-address comma before Twilight and a comma instead of a period at the end of the quote, since the action is occurring during the time the dialog is spoken.
Awkward phrases:
Was she talking to herself or not?
"Orange" in this context is not a name. It's a fruit. Also, missing a direct-address comma before Twilight again.
I... am not really sure what this means...
"Who" isn't the noise that owls make. It's "hoo". Aside of that, Owlicious has a few variants of his name, namely Owlowiscious and Owloysius. Using 'Owlicious' is also acceptable, but former two variants are preferred. Although, none of those is acceptable full-lowercase, since it's a name.
Creepy Dash is creepy.
Don't get me wrong: This story is formidable for being done from soup to nuts in 72 minutes, but, unfortunately, it only consists of overused cliches. Insta-crushes, out-of-character behavior and pacing issues.
It's not bad, mind you. But I can't say it's good either. I'll just say it's nice (if I ignore the Dash having a picture of Twi on her nightstand) and move along.
~Twi
5644168 I was exaggerating to make a point. Thank you for pointing out the errors, I appreciate it. Scratch is the first person I've really edited for, and it's been so long since I really used anything from English class in high school that I've forgotten several things. Though for a couple of things you pointed out, I must have been tired or something because I know better. As for the characterization, I don't change things like that. That's up to Scratch. I'm also of the belief that in a fan fiction, they can be as in character or out of character as the author wants, so long as it fits the story.
5646688
That's the entire point of fanfiction. Readers are expected for a character to behave in character, unless there's a good reason why they behave differently. A reasonable action for a character misbehavior would be that the story is put into the clutches of Alternative Universe, but that's a beast that can also give experienced writers grief.
But here is the problem: Dash's behavior doesn't fit neither Dash, nor the story. It's nothing else but a cheap cop-out, something that shoves the story into quick ending.
Dash is creepy and Twi is okay with that. They live happily ever after. This is one of the cheapest Deus Ex Machinas possible that leads to nil-ending, leaving the reader confused over what happened, telling them it's okay to be creepy to get the girl.
That's just not how it works...
~Twi
5664681
I'm writing my stories how I want, sorry
I appreciate any help, but my mind how to write will stay like it is.
If you disagree please just don't read further
And with that this topics ends, thanks
5665597
I am really sorry you think that way.
~Twi
5665630
And I am sorry that you are one of the ponies who think that a ponysona is stuck.
Everypony got a wide range of ponysonas!
Take RD at the Gala, the Academy and likewise; you'll see what I mean.
A ponies ponysona can change and evolve! I believe in it, so I won't change my writing.
Have a nice day
5665664
Indeed so.
But none of those even hinted that Dash has any indication of a creepy persona. It's a quite big of a stretch to be unhappy with the outcome to gala or studying hard to become something that they always desired to something as creepy as to keep a photo of your friend on your nightstand. Without their knowledge.
That's a HUGE leap in personality, and it doesn't make sense, regardless how much you try to defend it.
~Twi
5665690
Look, you keep stuck at that what you SEE and then you intend to know!
There is more in live! Just because I see somepony acting like (example),
doesn't mean that the same pony can't act like (different example)
Love does many things to ponies, a various range of emotions.
And what is creepy about to contain a photo of the pony you love?
Besides, Twilight can accept it because love, feelings, predictions, being just pony!!
Try to expand your range of understanding. If you can't please don't try to ague with me, because I spent many months to get a clue about ponysonas, existence and other relation to the physically and psychological state.
5665705
Don't know how to tell you this, but... I've been doing that for years.
Along with editing for others and talking to others that edited for me, many of whom explored the characters much deeper than me.
Please don't try to go down the "I'm better than you because I did <x>" and assume that the person on the other side of the conversation has no clue what they're talking about.
That never worked.
~Twi
5665748
I never did in any way, sorry if you read such things out.
Also there are different ways to do such, while I'm not saying either method is wrong.
I pretty much get that you have a clue, but you simply don't know what's going on in my mind (Thank Luna for that!)
I'm staying at my point and I know enough ponies thinking my way.
Thank you
The romance is so incredibly sudden that it's hard to consider romantic.
There are a lot of ways to establish love in a short story--you could have an existing crush grow, have them finally realize that yeah, their behavior was like somepony in love... here, Twilight spontaneously develops an attraction to Rainbow Dash without any sort of initiating action (other than crashing into the castle), instantly starts getting sweet dreams about her, and decides that she is in love with Rainbow Dash in a grand total of maybe 12 hours.
Slow down.
5703192
It's a 72 Minute work.
There is no need to slow down here
I just found and read this story today and I also saw your recent blog post:
Now, I am going to downvote this story and, per your request, I am going to tell you why.
As dragonjek pointed out 5703192 the development of Twilight's attraction to Dash in this story is extremely rushed. Just because you wrote a story quickly doesn't mean the time frame within the story can only be a few hours long. You don't have to show every step of the process in a story this short, but you can still allow some time to have passed between the initial discovery of romantic feelings and their ultimate confession.
Now, given your flippant dismissal of dragonjek's criticism, I can't help but feel telling you this was a waste of both my time writing it and yours reading it. After glancing through the comments sections of some of your other stories, it seems like any time someone dislikes something about your story you either brush it off or berate them. In some cases, this is understandable since the person complaining was being rude, but in others (such as dragonjek's) the person was being completely civil and trying to offer purely constructive feedback.
If you genuinely want to know why people are downvoting your stories, then maybe you shouldn't spend so much time telling them that their explanations have no value.
If you don't like what I have to say, that's perfectly fine. Just remember- you're the one who asked to hear it.
5938026
Thank you for the input but this story is really old.
As you can see on my other work, my writing style changed, also my writing interests at all.
I know that this story is bad, but I'm glad that the content is past and can be ignored.
an eagle.
As rushed as this was, I liked it anyway. I see you've gotten a lot about that so me adding wouldn't be much help.
I wanted to say something, but as I can see, they are already said, even things about 72 minutes, so...
Just good luck in further writtings