Peyton laid back in her bath. Bubbles foamed up around the side of the tub and she tried to relax.
She couldn't, though, because Cala was also in the bathroom with her. Cala was standing up on her legs, taking deep breaths. They still wobbled. She was standing tall enough that she could look over the side of the tub at Peyton soaking in the water.
She fell over. She gasped as her body hit the floor and her legs crumpled beneath her again.
“That was pretty good,” Peyton said. “I think you lasted a full minute that time.”
“No!” Cala said. “I did better than that. It had to have been a whole five minutes at least.” She sat up onto her haunches, tensed a moment, then lifted herself back up to her feet, standing again.
“You're actually pretty tall, Cala,” Peyton said, leaning over the side. “Not very big... your legs are like sticks — but you're much taller than I am.”
Cala blew a raspberry. “You're tiny. In fact, you... you're all small. You all got to turn into adorable ponies and I—”
“You're incredibly cute yourself,” Peyton said. A moment later she blushed, realizing what she said. “Look, you don't have to feel bad, it happened to everyone.”
“It did? But you guys are the only other ones I've come across.”
“Well, of the people who are still here. We thought we had found everyone in Seattle before we came across you. But... you do know that literally almost everyone just, up and disappeared, right?”
“Hey—woah!” Cala said, falling over again. She took a few breaths then sat back up, but didn't stand up fully yet. “Of course I knew that! Do I look stoopid to you?”
“No, actually, you're more like...” Peyton blanched. “Well, you act like a child. Like, a really bratty, know-it-all fucking kid.” A beat. “How old are you, anyways?”
“Older than you,” Cala said. “Who even cares?”
“Hm. Well, Renée and Willy both treat you like a child; they're in their early thirties or something, I think, and they kinda may have treated me like that, too, a while ago. I guess that's why they put me in charge of you while they went off and continued working on, eh... whatever it is they're doing today.
“And speaking of which, you still haven't changed your mind on the bath, right?”
Cala's visage immediately soured. “No! I'm not taking a bath with you!”
Peyton looked down at the dirty, soapy water she was in. “Well, okay, I'd guess this soap wouldn't be good for your scales anyway. How about this,” she said, and pulled the plug. The dirty water all drained out. “I'll fill it with fresh water, then we'll get you to at least try it, alright? It couldn't possibly hurt.”
Cala grunted.
Peyton filled the bath with fresh warm water, then turned the faucet off and gestured to Cala. “Okay, come on over here. You don't have to even touch the water yet, just come sit beside me.”
Cala sighed, looked around the room, then slowly made her way over to Peyton's side, next to the bathtub.
Peyton sighed, and looked at Cala with sad eyes. “Look, I... I've been kind of terrible to you since we met, haven't I?” Cala slowly nodded. “I'm going to come out and apologize for it. You know, just... I really wasn't in the best way this afternoon when we met. Ever since I met the others, well, it has been nice to get a roof over my head and have other, smarter people caring for me. But then they expected me to pull my own weight around here. It's not something I've ever really done, you know — I'm only seventeen, for fuck's sake! I've never had a job before! And now they're expecting me to do... gardening work, eugh.
“Well, we were running kinda low on food today,” Peyton continued, “and I skipped lunch even though I'd been working all morning. Then you showed up. I've just kind of been doing what makes sense. But that doesn't make any sense. I didn't realize you had already been through so much, and I figured a little pain wouldn't phase you.”
“That was horrible,” Cala said. “You... freaking tore out my eye with your own teeth. How could you do that?”
“I was panicked.” Peyton chuckled mirthlessly. “If you'd seen what I did, you would have done the same. Hell, you would've done a lot worse, considering you're like some kind of predator now.”
Cala laughed.
Peyton smiled... then said quietly: “Do you trust me?”
Cala looked at her with a tear in her eye, half-smiling.
Peyton reached out with her wet forelimb and touched Cala's shoulder.
Cala flinched, gasping, as she felt the wet forelimb touch her. But she found she didn't back away from it. It was warm, and it wasn't water; it was just Peyton's arm, and she found that she didn't mind that so much.
“You trust me right? Yeah... so I made some jabs at you. But I really do want what's best for you. Did I do a good job bandaging you up?”
Cala smiled. “You did. And I do.”
Peyton took Cala's arm in her own. “Let me help you then. I promise, nothing bad will happen to you; I'll make sure of it.” And then she pulled Cala's forelimb over the tub. Gently, but not too slow, she lowered it into the water.
Cala gasped. She quivered and her pupils shrunk as she watched her arm submerge in the water.
But nothing happened.
She didn't pull away, because Peyton's hoof was holding on to her own, and she found that she liked the way the water felt on her hoof. It had been a while already since she had last felt that; too long. Why had such a silly fear taken over her mind to begin with? It hadn't been worth it, Cala concluded.
A small whimper escaped Cala. Just barely audible. It grew, and started to break apart, like little whining sobs. But from the grin on her face and the tears running down her cheek, it was clearly not a sadness that powered them. Cala's broken laugh grew in intensity as relief washed over her. Nothing had ever felt so good.
A fear of water! How silly! What a silly thing for her to have. That fear of water! Oh, how silly that had been! Cala laughed and laughed, pouring her soul into her expression of immense relief. She reached up her other arm and dipped it into the water, too. Oh the silliness of it all! She had feared water, of all things! Fearing water! How could such a silly thing have happened?
Peyton saw how ecstatic Cala was and laughed herself. She grabbed Cala's fetlocks with her own. She leaned over the edge of the tub, wrapping her arms around the other mare, hugging her and feeling Cala hug her back. They both sat there, hugging each-other over the edge of the bathtub and sobbing sweet cries of joy.
After a minute had gone by, Peyton pulled back, and balanced leaning on Cala — who herself did the same by leaning on Peyton, their forelimbs propping themselves up. “Fuck! That worked, it worked! You put your hooves in the water!”
“It worked! It worked!” Cala chanted, giggling, her cheeks sore from smiling so hard.
“You're damn right it worked! You're awesome! No fear of water is going to hold you back!”
Cala just kept laughing.
“So what? Are you just going to sit there laughing? Or are we gonna go the rest of the way?” Peyton smirked and scooted over in the bath, making room for the other mare. “We could stop now, or... we could go the full distance. Come on. Let's kick this stupid damn fear and make you right again.”
Cala hesitated, though. She contemplated just jumping in next to her new friend, but she found her mind resisting that course of action, despite her knowing damn well that it was completely painless.
“Damn it — let's just get on, already!” Peyton said. She wrapped her limbs around Cala and heaved.
Cala shrieked as she was hauled into the tub with Peyton. She gasped, her eye opening wide as she saw the water coming closer by the millisecond.
Splash!
Peyton wrapped her arms and legs around the mare in her grasp, holding her and keeping her from thrashing in the water. She turned onto her back, holding Cala on top of her.
Cala gasped and gasped, shivering. She felt the liquid seep back into her scales for the first time in weeks. She could feel the strong limbs enveloping her, keeping her safe from the wrath of the water. And that was really all that mattered. She slowly settled herself, her mind finally accepting that maybe the water wasn't the worst thing in the world.
Peyton, below her, gasped as she felt Cala's fins rub at her belly. She blushed; she couldn't think of this mare that way... not after they had just got to know each other. She focused instead on comforting Cala, trying to get her to calm down. But then she felt something off.
She looked at the door to the bathroom, which was again in Cala's blind-side, and saw Willy standing in the doorway. He just smiled and shook his head, closing the door and leaving them.
Cala giggled again and turned over, face-to-face and lying on top of Peyton. “Yes! Yes! It worked! Thank you Peyton! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she grinned at her new best friend, lying on top of her in the water. ”I love you so much!”
Peyton blushed, but laughed it off. She was just glad that she could help one of her few remaining peers to overcome a crippling fear.
↪
I heard your complaints, Lord of Dorkness.
Hope you like Pro Wrestling character development.
God fucking damnit, everything I write... it's terrible and... and it sucks. And nobody likes it. I'm just starting to fucking pander to my audience because I feel bad for them and for Cala so I make this huge god damn 180 and what does it even mean why do I feel like this is the worst fic in the history of shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
6111415
I helped!
Seriously though, really nice seeing Cala finally catch a break and making a friend. A very sweet chapter.
Not quite certain yet if it's going to last, but at least there was one moment of hope in the bleakness.
Huh, this pulled back from the MN#7 brink here.
6111415
Coming off a little homestucky there.
So you're at a disadvantage with this story: You're writing a spinoff. The size of your audience is (generally, though not always) restricted by the audience of the original. I didn't read any other Friendship is Optimal stories until I read the original. In this case, the original isn't even done, and that puts lots of people off. Even if it had been done, it's been around for less than a month.
You're on the bleeding edge of that, and that greatly limits your audience. There are about 1000 people keeping up with the main story on a daily basis. Of those, perhaps 140 cared enough to join the group. Even fewer of those cared enough to look at side stories. None of them have more than 50 upvotes. You're tied for second place, and you were not the second story to release (so far as I remember). If you're going to draw comparisons, you should probably compare yourself to the other stories in the group, not to all of fimfiction.
You've got some other factors running against you, and under those circomstances you've pulled through quite well. First, you don't have any other stories, which makes many readers nervous. Finishing a story, or having several stories that aren't finished, shows you've got experience. You're in the process of building confidence. I had to do the same thing when I wrote "My Little Apprenteice" my first story. It's greatest popularity came only after I had finished. As I was writing it, many people said "sounds interesting, can't wait till you finish so I can read it". It may be the same with your story.
Another major factor is you've chosen to write a fairly dark story. This is My Little Pony we're talking about, many of its readers either have a brighter view of the world OR come to my little pony to escape from the dark world they live in. I have many friends who won't even pick up a story if it's got the dark tag.
I'm not telling you to change your creative vision, though. Something to think about during future stories for sure, if popularity is your main goal. (if that's what you want, write a short oneshot about one of the main six or celestia doing something mundane but slightly noteworthy, give it a catchy title and make it comedic, and you're gold).
Odds are, you came into this story because you were passionate about your idea, that artifact you saw through the muck and decided to liberate for all of us to enjoy. You shouldn't compromise the integrity of that artifact just because it would make the story more popular; if you want popularity, get a different artifact next time (oh, and not a spinoff or a sequel. Never either of those). At least to me, writing is something magical, one of the few magical things we mundane humans can do in our mundane lives. Writing something wonderful is kinda like making something from nothing. I can't help but think forcing the character of the story to be different would take away from that magic, and ultimately leave us with an inferior product at the end.
Write what you love. Make that vision a reality. The sequel to that first story I wrote got very little attention compared to that the first one did. I feel like it was a far superior product, and I poured my heart into it, and very few people noticed. I finished it anyway, and even though few people have read it I'm still proud of it and think it makes a good addition to my portfolio. Maybe this story is fated to be one of those for you.
I think it's a shame, because this is one of my favorites. Don't crap on your writing; that's not the issue at all. It's not even worth arguing, and hasn't influenced your success or failure here at all. You have an extremely whimsical, artistic style. Perhaps my one complaint (not present recently) is the lack of specifics. The earlier chapters lacked concrete details and I often wasn't sure what was going on exactly. These last two chapters didn't have that weakness at all, very concrete things were going on and I remember thinking "hey, I know exactly what's happening now!", something I wasn't able to say earlier.
I'd suggest keeping that up, as it's literally the only idea I can think of to make your writing even better. Even if what happens is sad and depressing, which it may very well be.
I personally want you to tell the story you set out to tell, even though I greatly enjoyed these last few chapters. It was like a breath of fresh air, because to me, no real world person's life is the universe taking a dump on them from start to finish. Even unlucky people have things work for them sometimes.
Don't pander, though. Tell the story you set out to tell. Learn from your experience, and do even better on your next story.
6112939 Are you kidding? M#7 has this shit happen all the time. The story constantly oscillates between Murky believing that he's a slave to believing that he's free, and using every opportunity to rub it in. In fact, I think that's one of the most prominent stories to inspire this one in terms of the general mood and gloominess of it all. So don't think that Cala's completely out of the gutter just yet.
6113275 WOAH. Okay, this is a pretty damn huge comment. That took a while even for me to read.
Eh, I suppose I'll respond to the big idea then get into all the itty gretails of your comment. I'll even make it as big if not bigger than yours; you know, just being friendly.
I'm not actually ‘pandering to my audience’, as you stole from my words. If you look, you'll see that all that self-loathing stuff is put into a small font. Look at all my previous posts; the stuff I put into a small font, you really aren't supposed to take it seriously. In the cases of the last two times I did it, it meant that I was in a bad mood and just wanted to rant, but that you needed to copy/paste the text to actually read it because it's not supposed to be viewed with a critical eye. Don't you think I know what I'm doing? Don't you think I got a plan, Stan?
But anyway, enough of that. Why did I say that in the first place?
Well, the first few chapters of Part 3 didn't really work as well as I had intended. I had meant for it to feel like a break from the usual dreariness of the story, because finally having someone care for Cala would pull the stress off the readers' shoulders. The first two parts of the story were absolutely devastating, and I need something to relieve the reader before the big pile of agony that I have planned for the end of the story.
But, you said yourself in the comment you made in 3-3. The story was still dark and debilitating. Turns out, I was so focused on making these new characters seem ‘real’ and ‘compelling’ that I had forgotten to give Cala some relief from the usual hardships that she was facing. I realized this first because Lord of Dorkness is the one loyal commenter that gives me a reaction right after every chapter I post. I seriously love him for that. If you end up reading this, Dorkness, give yourself a pat on the back because you're the only person I have to judge peoples' immediate reactions to my story. Other than, you know, ferret, and the other commenters. You're the first guy.
So that's why I'm not pandering. But then, Star, you also go on and on about the ‘popularity’ of my story. As if there's a number that I'm looking for, like I want this story to get into the featured box. Well, I've got a bit of bad news for you. I don't care about the featured box! That stupid box on the front page of the site is always so full of shit and sometimes I can't even believe that a thing made it there, myself. There are exceptions sometimes, like your story, that do make me check it out once in a while. But most of the stuff that ends up there. Guess what most of the drivel that gets stacked on the front page of this site is? It's just pandering. Literally all of those shit one-shot stories that you see in the featured box are just stories that pander to the audience.
You want me to fucking write a story about Celestia getting fat from eating cake?! Hell yeah I know it'll end up on the front page! But I don't want that, because if I wrote that story it'd be shit and the only people who'd be reading it would be mouth-breathing faggots who don't know real content when they see it! I don't care about popularity, son! I care about criticism! I care that there are intelligent people like you who enjoy reading my story and care enough to tell me what's wrong with it! The only thing popularity gets me is the chance for a real critic to stumble upon my story and really shit on it. But guess what? I doubt that critic will be the same person that clicks on every story about Celestia eating cake that happens to jump to the featured box. Because the featured box is full of shit. He knows it. I know it. I bet you know it, too.
And that, sir, is why I wrote a spin-off of your story. Because I knew by doing that, it would get the attention of at least one writer that I respect the opinion of. Because I respect you, Starscribe. You're a damn good writer and I enjoyed your story.
You want me to look at my story in terms of how it relates to the other Ponies After People fics? Well I'll tell ya what I see when I look at that. I see that I'm the best damn writer in the world and nobody, nobody can even come close to achieving the skill it takes to write the shit that I have presented for them. I'm the best damn writer in this little, niche community and you'd better fucking believe that I don't need your advice in order to know what I'm doing.
Anyway, um... here's some direct replies, for stuff and stuff.
Yeah, no, this is nowhere near homestuck levels of author self-loathing. Hussie breaks the fourth wall so often that he himself is a regular background character in Homestuck. He breaks the fourth wall so much that the fourth wall itself is an object within the story that helps drive the plot forward. I don't think you realize how much Homestuck breaks the forth wall. I don't do that. Nowhere in my story has the fourth wall been broken, because I'm usually good enough to keep that crap within the comments section. It doesn't matter that way because then it's not an actual part of the story, so it doesn't compromise anything.
Fallout Equestria had a dark tag. It's the most popular epic that's come out of this fandom. I've read it twice, in fact. And it fucking sucks. Compared to most of the other epics I've read, FoE hasn't really... got it. The characters are mediocre and forgettable. A third of the big villains are completely one-dimensional. While it has an amazingly vast and complex universe, the story itself doesn't even scratch the surface of the true depth that could be reaped from the big ideas that were had. That's why there's thousands of FoE knock-off fics. The story sucked, but the universe was awesome, and so many people wanted a chance to do what the main story didn't.
...Uh, what was I saying? I guess the point I was trying to make was that dark stories can, in fact, get popular, even if it's some of the shittiest drawn-out drivel the fandom has to offer. FoE just had to ride the wave of popularity that came with the ignition of the MLP fanfic community.
Holy shit. I think that's one of the most wishy-washy things I have ever read. Bleck; it leaves a bad taste in the back of my throat just thinking about it.
Okay, that was another thing I actually did want to expand upon. This was intentional. The ‘big shift’ in the story came with the second interlude. Later, you'll be able to look back at it and understand why that was where there was a shift in narration. It suddenly went from third-person limited (following one character) to third-person restricted (like omniscient, but... not able to see into anyone's thoughts. I guess). Yeah, those probably aren't the right terms, but fuck it, I at least understand what it's supposed to mean... and in the end, I guess that's all that really matters.
Sorry if any of this came off as condescending. I'm trying to mirror the sentiment you showed me, but I don't really do the ‘nice guy’ routine. I fucking hate hugboxes. I hate marks, too, the bastards who never say anything meaningful about my story. They're just as shallow as those guys who wrote the other stories in the PaP universe...
6113927
I seriously debated responding to this comment. After all, the main reason I'd responded to the first one was that you seemed to be losing steam, and I wanted to encourage you so a story I very much enjoy wouldn't be aborted midflight. As there seems to be no danger of that, and you have things well in hand, I considered not saying anything. In the end I elected to respond to just a few things.
No, no I don't. I'm pretty sure my comment was pretty clear on not actually wanting you to write a story like that.
Not in the story, no. The tone of that small comment... and much of the gigantic one there, actually, came off very much with Hussie Levels of abrasiveness. Or maybe some of his characters. I seriously thought I was reading one of those chatlogs just now. All it was missing was a color and some chat-quirks. This isn't really a good or bad thing either way, just clarifying that I was talking about the OOC from the author and never intended it to be applied to the story itself.
In point of fact, fallout equestia is nowhere CLOSE to the most popular "epic" that's come out of the fandom. This being a subjective term (epic, namely). Does it mean only large stories need apply? If that's true, then in neither way, either views or rating, does Fallout Equestria even make the first four pages of most popular story (or top ten for rating). You could certainly make the argument for largest community to be formed out of a fanfiction (I'd probably agree with you there).
Eliminating any story shorter than 50,000 words as not epic enough, and eliminating any incomplete story, the most popular epic (and I defanately think this one qualifies) is Anthropology, followed by Past Sins (incidentally, this one DOES have the dark tag, as popular stories can do). I think that's another point where understanding wasn't quite reached. I never said that the dark tag made a story unable to be popular, only that having it was a weakness to overcome if popularity is your goal. As a general rule, about 30% of popular stories will have the dark tag.
I stand by what I said. Being dark puts you at a popularity disadvantage. You don't seem to care, which is good. I never cared when I wrote Last Pony on Earth (my journal entries about it express the shock I feel that it's been so popular). Nor is it something that can't be overcome. It's just one of those facts to writing.
Much of that's quoted from On Writing, the Stephen King autobiography (except for the impassioned personal anecdote, obviously). The part I didn't actually compose I stand by completely, and what I quoted I completely agree with.
No, it didn't. It did however, come of as extremely abrasive. Like the sort of person you never want to invite to parties because you know he's going to start arguments and ruin the whole night. I don't think there are any masks involved in being kind to fellow humans. Probably something to consider for future interactions; being a dick to someone (particularly someone trying to do something nice), generally puts a bit of a damper of future interactions.
I say so not because of myself, since I'm here for the story first and foremost, but as a statement of general principal.
6114642 Alright, thanks for clearing those things up.
Edit: Know what, stop. I just typed a bunch of stuff explaining my point of view and crap, posted it, then realized it's stupid and now I've deleted it.
I understand what you mean. I was wrong about some things I said, and I probably shouldn't have sparked that stuff. I would have appreciated if you just told me you didn't want me to stop writing rather than going on a spiel about how writing stuff is worth it despite the lack of popularity I'm getting.
6114731
I'm glad I replied, then. Generally when someone comes off unpleasant, there's a good reason for it. I'd say you just gave me some good reasons, and now I don't have to leave with a sour taste in my mouth.
I think you got the short of it, though. The whole point was to encourage you to keep writing, because you're making something great and I don't want to see it end before it's done. If that's all you get out of my comment, that's all that really matters. I think your writing has a unique voice I might never read ever again (baring any other stories you write).
Generally when someone expresses discouragement, small font or not, it's only the tip of a gigantic discouragement iceberg. Now I know you weren't really being serious with yours, so I'll make sure to treat the small-font comments differently from now on.
6114765 If only we all just said what we really mean. Unfortunately, we humans just like to play games and dance around our intentions too often. Thanks for sticking through with me on this. It means a lot that you enjoy my writing so much that you're willing to put up with a whole load of shit to be able to keep reading.
Um... im confused as hell. I don't know anymore if cala's a seapony or another thing...
It is extremely hard to follow this story...
There needs to be more detail...