Celestia has allowed Twilight some vacation time. What an occasion! But as she travels back to ponyville, she notices something strange with how her friends speak.
Why would you even ask me anything? I don't got shit 4 u.
Celestia has allowed Twilight some vacation time. What an occasion! But as she travels back to ponyville, she notices something strange with how her friends speak.
Normally I'd just say: It got a like, Twilight was (obviously) a bit OOC, you could have done it better if it had a clear resolution and you built it up a bit better with her 4th wall breaking.
However, since this is about grammar, you should try to make your own work spotless. Have some corrections (and 1 or 2 suggestions):
I think you mean so.
*Spike's
Double space.
Why the capital letters? Also, all of the clauses in the sentence are independent so you should use semi-colons instead of all the commas. If you can replace it with 'and' then it's a semi-colon.
Missing apostrophe.
You might want to rephrase that. Also, missing space.
I'd change it to: Fluttershy said, with a voice as quite as she was kind.
You do stuff like that a lot; there should really be a comma there, not a full stop/period.
Start a paragraph after this as AJ started talking.
6120762
Muchas gracias , arreglado
This. Story. Is. So. Freakin'. HILARIOUS.![:yay:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/yay.png)
This story deeeeefinetley needs a sequel.![:derpytongue2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png)
Or it's own universe.
Or both.