Having lost contact with Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle rushes into the Crystal Mirror - only to find herself in post-nuclear Canterlot Wastelands... [Fallout/Equestria Girls fusion crossover]
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The whole thing was so rushed.
And funny things is, I find it odd and stupid that Twilight will have such a reaction to Sunset Killing those bandits to protect her.
I mean with all the magical predators roaming around Equestria, I don't think Ponies will just give up and left themselves get eaten if they don't have no choice.
6264167
"Rushed" - you mean the pace of events was rushed, or the chapter seemed as if written in rush?
On your comment about Twilight's bad reaction to Sunset killing raiders: thank you for the criticism (no joking, I am really thankful ), but I am afraid I need to counter it.
Naturally, ponies wouldn't let anyone just eat them, and they do use violence in self-defense or when defending others, when needed. However, I have never seen it in MLP:FiM or Equestria Girls that ponies actively used lethal force for that purpose (antagonists are not taken into account, naturally); this gives the impression that they practically always fight to incapacitate and drive back rather than kill. Of all ponies who would actually use lethal force, I can imagine only Royal Guard, to which Twilight obviously does not belong.
Moreover, I hardly imagine that a human who witnessed someone killed in front of him for the first time in his life (even if the deceased tried to kill him in turn) would react adequately in this case. Twilight's reaction here is, of course, NOT adequate (at least, for the Wastelands); and she has not adapted to the new world which is basically anti-Equestria yet. Once she does, however...
Again, thank you for comment and criticism
*Sigh*
That is NOT how Karma works, not even close...
6307397
In Fallout - no, not really. But I am taking several liberties here, since I consider that morality system... imperfect.
Thank you for the comment
Couple more errors I happened across in reading through this chapter. I find that reading through the chapters out loud can help locate errors. If it doesn't sound right saying it, then something is in need of correction:
"A massive underground bunker that can protect from atomic bombs if they do not fall too close, and supply the people within with clean water. One can live there for ages, Twilight. Unfortunately, I had to rush into the Vault straight from job, and my magic book remained at home, so I couldn't tell you what happened here. I am sorry, Twilight."
"No need to apologize, Sunset," Twilight replied, still in shock from hearing all the information. "So you hid in the Vault?"
"Yes, and initially we thought we would have to live there for very long time. You see, atomic bombs leave behind invisible poison known as radiation. When they fell, people thought we would spend our whole life in the Vault. It was not true, but calculations said radiation levels would be too high to live on surface for twenty years. But something was not right there, as we lived there for seven years only, and yet now one can walk around relatively freely, if one has radiation detector. There are still pockets where one shouldn't go, but they can be avoided."
6336298
Thank you for pointing that out. Fixed.
*Hefts up a box filled with the word 'the'*
You dropped this a few chapters back.
Poor Twilight...
At least you have Sunset with you now, that really counts for something!
As for grammar, I won't go into detail about "the" again, but it is still an issue. I did notice you used parentheses a lot in this chapter. Parentheses are usually used to single out information that is deemed optional to read and not actually part of the sentence or paragraph. Some times you used them correctly, but other times you used them around full sentences that were still actually a part of the paragraph when read.
Grammar aside, this was a good chapter. I could feel for Twilight being in this wasteland or wastelands (just wondering... why the plural?). I also had to grin when she hug tackled Sunset.
Twilight's reactions felt right to me. One could say she might have "killed" during the changeling invasion, but it wasn't gruesome or as noticeably violent as Sunset's gun shots. I think Twilight's reaction to the situation was understandable and fitting. It is even more so if you consider how peaceful Equestria generally is.
I like their S.P.E.C.I.A.L and traits. They seem very fitting for both characters. It is also something I loved about Fallout: Equestria or Fallout fics in general from what I have seen.
I really wish I had an ounce of artistic talent. If I did, I would draw Sunset in her Vault suit with her gun and then her and Twilight's hug.
Yikes, I'd freak out if i had seen someone get shot!
oh gods twilights a panzy if she is only going to kill when attacked
It is personal preference, but I hate excessive onomatopoeia. The sheer number is distracting at times, especially considering the onomatopoeia sometime shorthands the action a little too much.
Take this here. The gunshot is simply expressed as a noise onomatopoeia, instead of something less abstract. What about the smell of gunpowder and the concussion of the shot? The plink of a falling shell casing, and the crack of a ricochet? The ringing in your ears from a shot far too close?
I get what it is supposed to mean, but having too many shortens the experience too much at times and it becomes less enjoyable.
6752754
If I remember correctly, I had imagined Sunset firing her rifle from a distance of 30-40 meters. Can one actually smell gunpowder and hear the plink of a falling shell from that distance? Especially since the shell fell into grass and onto earth instead of asphalt?
There was no ricochet, as the bullets got stuck in the bodies (as I imagined), and the ringing... I remember how they took us to fire range, so that we would try fifring six bullets from Kalashnikov. Standing nearly 10-15 meters away, I had no ringing in my ears, only when I fired myself. So Sunset was the only one with ringing ears, but she is already adapted to it. Don't know about concussion, though...
Thank you for commenting
I think you mean dystopia... that applies here right?
6821485
It does, but I had checked in Wikipedia:
I have heard that sometimes "dystopia" and "anti-utopia" are separated, but usually I don't do that.
6821862 Dystopia is a lot easier to read and process than anti-utopia, and it is easier to write.
As a side note, you tend to use words straight from the dictionary for their most literal and scientific meaning, but when actually read they tend to be extremely jarring to the reader. Like for instance, when Twilight was hungry and was upset about her body needing food you used organism, instead of the much easier to read and less jarring body. That, and organism tends to be used when describing animals from a scientific point of view.
I don't know your original language, but I can tell you English isn't exactly as cut-and-dry as most languages. Mostly due to the fact that there are far too many words than is strictly necessary. Also, as previously pointed out, you tend to not use 'the' as often as normal speech would dictate. What you use is, in the most technical sense, correct, but in normal, everyday speech and writing, is quite incorrect.
For example:
Technically correct, but it's slightly odd to read. A more reader-friendly version is:
A lot shorter, and easier to read.
I'd recommend getting someone with English as their original language to proof-read everything and re-write it. That way, you can learn from him/her the changes you can make to your writing to make it sound more natural.
Finally, I noticed you use the out-dated term Lexicon instead of, say, dictionary. Or, in the situations you used lexicon in reference to a person's knowledge of words, vocabulary.
EDIT: Sorry for anyone who had to read this pre-edit, as i was being rushed to complete the comment and got some of my stories mixed up. Now it is relevant to this chapter and story.
7140639
Hmm... thanks for that explanation.
Sorry. I tend to use the word "body" when talking about what is visible on human body (e.g "a bullet hole was visible on his body"), but if it comes to inner workings not visible to the human eye, I use "organism". A byproduct of the difference between meanings of these words that we have in our language.
It's Russian.
weknowmemes.com/generator/uploads/generated/g1358516896293422364.jpg
Shows that I did not have that much interaction with native speakers. And I keep forgetting to re-read the first chapters again.
Thanks for the advice
Like the story so far keep it up!
Also i feel like Twilight will be in for an interesting experience. Have a like.
7223209
Thanks! I hope that later chapters will be enjoyable to you.
Well ... So far so good. Let's see where this story goes!
Despite the grammatical errors, it looks as though this is going to be an interesting story.
Can I assume that English isn't your native language? The nature of the errors point to this. (Can I also guess that Russian is?)
Anyway, while it lacks some of the descriptive finesse that I've gotten used to with other stories, I can overlook that if the story is still told well enough.
Moving on to the next chapter!
7353128
Yep, Russian is my native language, not English (British, American or any other variant).
Although I studied English for more than 15 years already, I still can't avoid errors.
i cant beleave twilight puked i wonder what it looked like
7401977
Like... well, puke.
whould it be nasty to say now that listened to sabatons song nuclear attack while reading?
are good an bad karma of any use in fallout because i always steal and kill and nothing happens
7419690
I don't think so
7419717
Some Perks are dependant on Karma, and companions in Fallout 3 also have Karma requirements. For instance, High Paladin Cross won't follow your character if ihs Karma isn't good.
Some interactions between characters also depend on Karma.
Hoo, boy... Let's see if we can get Twilight's hands dirty... Don't get that out of context.
The premise is interesting, but delivery leaves much to be desired
8214053
Sad that you think so; I’ll try to do better in the future. Thank you for your comment
Just forgot your closing quotation mark.
Here's your missing The's. Middle of the underlined text.
While the Princess of Friendship.
8229836
Done, everything should be fixed now. Thank you
8229836
good work sans.
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nah nah nah
8513348
We we'll all feel the fallout of the situation if there are puns to be said
8589329
There's so much exposition dump going on and unnecessary detail to the wrong things!
I'll give one more chapter, but if I have to read anything that describes what a weapon is or food options all at once I'm gonna have to tag out.
I imagine you've put a lot of effort into this, but it's almost entirely pointless rambling of every thought and detail at once so that the reader can understand the world you're working in without giving readers the benefit of the doubt of knowing what the fallout universe is or having dialogue occur naturally.
Sunset meets the duo and spends minutes rambling about the near political structure of the world as it is.
Shouldn't they be freaking out a lot more, seeing death and gore?
How can a couple killers not think to shoot the dog that can cause them harm and make a small but tasty meal?
Humans don't regurgitate, we vomit.
Etc.
Etc.
Oof that was painful to read, kind of breaks immersion.
Interesting, I'll wait to pass judgement until a few more chapters. This should be a nice new take on FoE though.
Just started reading and so far I’m liking what’s here. One thing I have to ask is why does Sunset have such a mediocre Charisma stat. I always view her as being more charismatic than deserving a 5. Was this a situation where you worked with a set number or attribute points to distribute or something?
9248064
I agree. Twilight should have a lower charisma as she is socially awkward at times and Sunset manipulated everyone in a high-school.
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9248064
She is a princess and has been on multiple diplomatic missions, she would of picked up how to talk her way out of bad situations, as in the political world, you must know how to have a sliver tung
(Yes I know I spelt tung wrong but I dont know how to spell it bucking danmit)