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- offline last seen April 7th
BlueColton
Watched the show. Joined the herd. Ponies on the mind. Veteran fanfic writer. ProfileArt provided by CoutnessMRose: https://www.deviantart.com/countessmrose/art/The-Well-859294420
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This reminds me of the movie Darkness Falls. Its about the "Tooth Fairy". If you were asleep everything was fine and dandy, but if you saw her she would hunt you down.
We are most vulnerable when we are asleep. Sometimes it's best not to open your eyes until the sun comes up.
Wait, so did Rarity kill Sweetie Belle, or not?
6551981 I leave that up to your imagination.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
6557659 I have. Though I think this story might clash with their "no mature" strike. Do you think it will pass?
Sounds like the tooth fairies from hellboy 2
6626038 Kind of. Only much bigger and a lot better looking.
6552577 I think she just did that to tell Sweetie 'Now be a good filly and stay quiet.... or I will eat you.'
6669926 A dead filly will keep a secret forever.
6796800 Yet it would also have witnesses as her friends know where she is and it would be counter productive to herself if she's exposed.
6796812 Proper motivation, my friend. If she eats Sweetie, then there would be questions as to what happened to her. However, the fear of death is enough to keep most people in line. I left the ending up to the reader's imagination.
6796819 Not all. Plus Celestia herself would come down like a raging storm and probably the others including Discord. Death doesn't scare everyone.
I knew I was gonna regret reading this so late at night. I knew it. Thank you so much, because now I'm gonna be on the look out for freakin ghost sheets going "Chitt chitt" by my head. Uuuugh.
On a side note, very well written. It's not often I read a story that actually scares so much.
7087397 Thanks. As a kid the notion of something eating me in the night kept me up into the wee hours. I just drew on that universal fear for inspiration.
And don't worry. I'm sure if you squeeze your eyes really tight the monsters won't even notice you.
7088515 Can't say I blame you. It's more the teeth thing that scares me, lol; teeth right in your face going chompity chomp is pretty dang scary. XD
Lol, wanna know something funny? After I read your story, I decided, since it was 4:00 in the morning, I had better get to bed. As soon as I turned off all the lights and got under the covers I heard this clicking noise outside my door. And then something thunked against the wall. Turns out it was just my grandma going into one of the other rooms but boy did it scare me! Lol.
7088811 Houses make noises at night. You never know if you're really alone. Sleep tight.
7089451 XD XD XD LOL!
I finished this work last night and thought I would provide my piece-by-piece review of this FANTASTIC dark horror story. It is one of the most intense fan fictions I've ever read and I want to tell you why :D
SPOILERS AHEAD!
If you haven't read the story and you're browsing comments, GO BACK UP THERE AND READ IT (PLZ) or else you'll miss out on one of the best dark horrors on fimfiction
This is an adorable way to start what is a very horrific story. It puts the reader in a feel-good mood, it establishes the innocence of Sweetie Belle (which for horror situations, is one of the best ways to instill fear in the reader when they see the innocent threatened), and you've explained the basic premise to the reader in one short paragraph. Excellent!
You do an EXCELLENT job of making the dialogue interesting, as well as having it serve the purpose of giving character to the scene, to the person/pony speaking and giving information about the world in a very smooth manner. You are a master of dialogue by far.
Fantastic description of Rarity that perfectly encompasses who she is. And just now I realized, holy crud, you foreshadowed with that final line of the description there. That is AMAZINGLY clever and deserves an achievement:
i.gyazo.com/ef8e1d93664dd13697713c3a69a3e80d.png
AH SHE SAID IT :P
This is when I started to get incredibly scared for Sweetie Belle. You do a fantastic job of building up the tension with the creature's actions. It's creepy, and not entirely threatening...yet. And that description of a blurry water coloring painting is akin to how "real" ghost hunting videos appear when something strange happens on screen. It's simple. It's effective. But it's terrifying because you know this creature is up to no good and something will happen soon.
This is one of the best parts of a story that is full of amazing sequences. This could be viewed two different ways, and it's that ambiguity that gives it an extra edge. Perhaps the creature saw the camera at the exact moment that Sweetie Belle happened to gasp. But then again, it is much more terrifying to think the creature has a supernatural ability to view events through recordings. And in fact this is the only part of the story where the teeth actually appear of the beast, and it goes by so fast that it's hard to catch.
Another ambiguous moment upon second reading. DId Rarity erase it or did the creature have the supernatural ability to disappear from the camera?
I love this detail. Even the midst of horror, they're still the Cutie Mark Crusaders with wonderfully bad ideas :P
Oh course Rarity would know this and spread this form of the tale, all things considered :P
Good excuse for not telling Twilight. It's important to address these little things and Twilight is the only other pony Sweetie Belle seems to trust. Well, maybe Applejack. :P
I love their banter. It's show-perfect :)
That's terrifying how that happened O.o
This is one of the best and most visceral images ever in the entire story. If there was any doubt that the thing entering the room was dangerous, this should help push that doubt away. That and the following scene...
That is one of the most terrifying scenes I've read in a long time. And it's a unique approach too, because it's effectively demonstrating how powerful it's fury and eviscerating abilities are. AND as true to horror movies, we STILL don't know what it looks like. The added inexpiable "blood" detail is also an incredibly unsettling moment.
That makes this even more inexplicable, and frightening, to know that somehow the creature got into Sweetie Belle's dream, managed to take the tooth, and avoid the CMC.
I like how Rarity's story actually fits with the reasoning of giving the bits for teeth at the end. That makes it more unsettling O.o
Sweetie Belle did tell Rarity this name earlier in the story, but she didn't react to it quite the same.
Heck of a twist. I should've seen it coming! :P
---- ----
Okay, after this part-by-part review, I'd like to tell you my emotional response to this and the resolution of the story.
This story is fantastic. It's a well-written tale of nightmarish quality that keeps raising the tension and creating moments of false relief whenever the characters think they have everything figured out. This allows things to get more and more dire as the story progresses, and it is an effective technique that I haven't seen many authors manage to pull off. The "calm before the storm" as it were.
Sweetie Belle is written very well. She's sweet, charming, but also shows a level of terror that is absolutely heartbreaking, especially at the end of the story.
I'm gonna be honest with how I felt at the end vs how it worked. The ending was AMAZING. It was a twist that fit the rest of the story perfectly and made it one of the best scary stories I've ever read. And it's one of those things that's really hard to predict and yet had lots of foreshadowing all throughout.
Emotionally, I hated Rarity at the end. It wasn't fear that dominated the finale, because I saw it as an ultimate act of betrayal towards Sweetie Belle to put her in so much jeopardy and make her fear. A little less than 24 hours later, and internally I am furious at what she did to Sweetie Belle.
This story, and your writing, deserves a MASSIVE amount of praise for the crafting of such a well-done tale.
I'm giving you a follow, a fav and a like for this, as well as checking out your other stories.
Keep writing such amazing works! You write horror like no other and it'd be amazing to see you write more of it :)
7363531
Most...overwhelming...review...ever.... 
can't breathe!
This review reminds me of myself. When I first started reading fan fictions, I used to write entire pages worth of notes describing, in detail, what I liked, disliked, or took away from the story. It's amazing--and humbling--to be on the other end. While I don't think Chitt-Chitt deserves that amount of praise, I take the greatest amount of pride knowing someone enjoyed my work this much. Thank you.
The most challenging part of horror, I believe, is being able to emphasize with the character. For this story, I recall how terrified I was of the dark. I used to hide underneath my covers as a child, as if those covers would protect me from the things that go bump in the night. Being devoured alive is a primal fear that all humans share, thus I added that one in for good measure. Now no one is afraid of the Tooth Fairy and I used to love finding dollars underneath my pillow. But all fairytales have a dark side and I tried to imagine what it would be like if the fairy was not as benevolent as we were led to believe.
So why Sweetie Belle? Why not Scoots or Apple Bloom? Process of elimination. Applejack is a pragmatist. Working on the farm and being responsible for it's well being meant she had to grow up fast. She wouldn't fill Apple Bloom's head with dreams of fairytales and such. Rainbow Dash would likewise scoff at the idea, but Rarity wouldn't be above using a little white lie now and then, least of all if it suits her needs. Hence, the Mare in White.
Also, I thought of the ending long before I did the beginning. That's where the whole idea came up. I even make reference to this story in my other CMC fic, "Fear." See if you can catch it.
Thanks again. Best review ever.
Holy shit. Not bad, bro. I see alot of creepypastas and this is definitely a good example of a decent one
7364091 Much obliged.
Alright well I'm not sleeping now...nope.
At least I know what to draw.
Glen Gorewood
7614043 Here's to many sleepless nights.
7614156
Indeed, I think part of is is, I'm suffering from insomnia and I've watched "Tooth Fairy" movies.
But again positives, I've got an idea for art.
Glen Gorewood
Well I'm not going to bed now. It's not like I wanted to go to sleep anyway. Awesome story bro have not had a good chill this good sense I read a horror story 2 nights ago in regards to an old pony civilization that went underground and became cannibals.
Re-reading this. I just had a very disturbing thought. How hard would it be for someone or somepony to live with the mare in white let alone be in love with said being. That's why I personally can't see a relationship like that working too well. And even if that human or pony did know Raritys true form and purpose how would a relationship like that even work?
If anyone has an idea I would be more than happy to hear it
Slep whats that?
Good story, it seemed familiar though, like I've heard or watched a similar story before.
Maybe the tooth fairies from Hellboy? Hmm. Not sure.
Regardless, it was a good, creepy story.
8292895
Thanks a million bits
I agree with your reasoning that Sweetie Belle was the best choice to be the victim in this. She's likely to be the least psychologically resilient in the face of danger since Scoots is a tomboy and Bloom is a farm pony. Plus the fact that out of the three, she's the one that comes from the most well-to-do family, which gives a faint flavoring of old-school gothic terror. Good stuff. I'm sleeping with the lights on, but still good stuff.
The only thing that threw me a little is the bit where Sweetie is watching the recording and wonders if it heard her. She was talking about her intro speech to the recording yes? Also, if the Tooth Fairy went for the camera during the night, why did it leave the recording intact for Sweetie to see in the morning instead of erasing it then?
My god damn cat clicked his teeth together when I was half way threw its 10 to 3 by the way.
8621784
Ah cats...my fellow minons of the night.
Hope you're getting some sleep.
BC
So much better than Darkness Falls. The ending had a strong Goosebumps vibe to it, which is great, even if I saw the twist coming.
And of course I’m reading this close to midnight. Who needs sleep, amirite?
8684539
Thanks!
I read this at midnight like an idiot. I dig it.
Also:
Unintentionally hilarious.
8947841
Lol
Oh h to the ell no.
Ah, so she’s like a ghoul who takes advantage of an old tale to eat, nice.
7643573
Well, I guessing Rarity became... whatever she is, from somewhere. Either A, she got cursed; or B, one, if not both, her parents are some type of ghoulish entities and Sweetie Belle is to but hasn’t grown into her fangs via puberty or whatever.
7363531
To be fair to Rarity, she had to do something once she noticed Sweetie Belle’s camera and couldn’t just destroy it or something without making her just as fearful; and she can’t just explain it to her because Sweetie Belle will tell Scootaloo and Applebloom and start some whole other big mess. She is basically hoping that Sweetie Belle will be to scared to speak of what Rarity is
9580573
I deliberately left the origin vague So has to leave to the readers imagination. It was also a short story so I didn’t feel the need to elaborate too much. Suffice it to say I want you to draw your own conclusions as to what really happened.
Thanks for the read
This was spine-chilling!
I think the only way to convey my feelings on this story is to quote Big Mac.
"EEEEEEEENOPE!"
10668496
6551981
I dont think so because the text says
This implies Sweetie Bell was traumatized by it but lived afterwards... Otherwise why mention her future nights? It would be the last thing she heard instead. I think Rarity gave her a warning right there to keep her mouth shut and not reveal the identity to anypony else.
The fair folk are not to be trifled with.