A Stallion's Man

by Spirit Shift

CH16: Off Your Chest, and Out of Town

“And that sums it up, more or less,” Barrett finished his story and all the preface any not crazy pony would need to make heads or tails from it. “I mean, It’s just, too much sometimes, ya know?” Barrett sat in the early evening light, across a cafe table with the pouting visage of Ample Grace. Who on top of listening to him spill his guts, had also covered the bill. Barrett took note that his pride would never recover, that he swore, with an internal chuckle.

“I can see why, I’ve heard of love triangles and even love squares, but you Mr. Biggs,” Ample added a jab and brow wiggle. “Might have more stallion’s after you than even me.” Barrett blushed and sputtered. “But that being said,” Ample’s playful nature dropped. “It takes a strong pony to not buckle under such circumstances.”

“You think?” Barrett asked as he recovered from the mares teasing.

Ample nodded flatly and rested her forehooves on the table. “I do, seven stallions, six heroes and the last a crowned prince. Some ponies would kill to have the attention of even one of these dashing gents.”

Barrett shrugged and fidgeted with his glasses. He sighed and emulated Ample’s hoof motion, placing his hands folded atop one another on the table as well;. “Yeah maybe, but that’s the thing. I’ve told them I’m not interested. But, they just don’t get it, it doesn’t stick.”

Ample had to bite her lip to repress a giggle fit. Barrett’s brow rose as he watched the mare in her bout with humor itself. He for one didn’t see the joke, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’d missed the punchline. “I miss something?” he asked.

A minute passed as the model took to snickering behind a hoof. When she had collected herself, she slowly shook her head. “They never believed you did they? They probably made jokes at your expense about playing hard to get, right?” Ample asked her smile never waning.

“Yeah, how’d you guess that?” Barrett asked, on top of questioning if somepony was spreading rumors. Barrett made a mental note to check the last few issues of Gabby Gums, maybe the CMC had been stalking him back then.

“Because I don’t believe you either,” Ample said, her smile, not a smirk and her words as confident as a model like her should be and mostly was.

Barrett took a long deep breath and planted a fake smile on his face. “All right, fine then tell me, why doesn’t anyone believe me. Why is it soooo hard to believe I’m not gay?”

Ample Grace for all her tact and social excellence was left confused. Her ears flicked back and forth her wings ruffled, and she stared, mouth slightly agape. “Beg pardon,” she asked.

“Why is me being straight so hard to believe,” Barrett asked again.

Ample coughed lightly into one hoof, her head cocked to the side. “Barrett, I’m sorry, but what does that have to do with anything?”

Barrett power drove a hand so hard into his face he may have received a concussion from the unnecessary use of force. “Everything,” he yelled into the fading light of Solaris’ sun.

Ample pursed her lips before she nodded. “Maybe at one point. But I don’t think it does anymore, and I don’t think it has for a long time. Barrett scrunched his face and felt the thumping in the back of his head. He motioned for her to continue rubbing the fingers on one hand across the side of his head. “Let’s look at the facts shall we?”

“Fine,” Barrett said. “Enlighten me.”

“You once told me you were a chill guy. That I can concede. However, I don’t think even the most chill guy alive,” Ample added air quotes, or at least the hoof equivalent. “ could or would tolerate as much as you have, for the sake of these stallions you claim to not love.”

Barrett nearly went cross-eyed as he transcribed the words in his head. “I don’t follow.”

Ample scoffed and rolled her eyes. She took a sip from the water she’d secured during their rather long supper. “Stallions, hopeless no matter what species,” she teased. She received a daunting glare in return. “Let me ask you this. Can you name anyone who would still be friends with the stallions you are acquainted with if they had and I quote you,” Ample Grace with the glory of a goddess took the single most massive breath she’d ever contracted in the history of her life.

“Had Dusk burn down their home, had Barry constantly hitting on them and then try to destroy a perfectly good lunch with a certain pretty mare?” Ample Grace fluttered her eyelashes daintily. “Was attacked by Rainbow Blitz after refusing to hear them out? Then get lied to by the one guy they thought didn’t have a crush on them, about said crush? Had Elusive more or less molesting them every time they entered his shop? Has Butterscotch so convinced they needed to dress up like a mare to be a match that they invited them over on false pretenses to seduce them? Or and this is my favorite, have the Prince of the Moon demanding they become his personal consort, by invading their dreams? Do you truly honestly believe that anyone would put up with all that if they were anything but interested?” Ample asked before she fell face first into the table and gasped for air.

Barrett sat stunned as he ran through the list of events in his head. When you ut all those events side by side, it did seem kinda crazy that one would still be around said stallions. Barrett thought back to his life on Earth. If he’d heard something like this back then, he’d have thought the guy in his shoes was either an idiot or that there was something far more profound going on. Barrett looked out at the sleepy little road, in the sleepy little town where the sleepy little ponies were prepping for a good night’s rest. As he looked out on the denizens of Ponyville, he couldn’t help but think how simple life was for most folk, excluding the occasional monster attack.

“I mean, I don’t know. I never really thought too hard on it. Those were just the events in my life and the ponies I knew doing what they do,” Barrett’s gaze peered up and toward the grand mountain in the distance, home to Canterlot. “Maybe not, but still.” Barret trailed off as he lost his train of thought and all words simply vanished from his lips.

A hoof slammed into the table hard enough to shake the chairs and the ground beneath the duo. Ample in all her glory made even undisputed irritation look glorious. Her eyes wide, the red orbs almost glowing in the fading light of the sun. Her nostrils flared as she stood over the startled human. “Maybe what? Love is magic so pure, so unfiltered there is no maybe. Why are you so stubborn?” Ample’s voice seemed to deepen with every word, a thick, undeniable growl by questions end.

Barrett felt the release of something deep in his mind. It was an almost audible snap. He roared back at the frustrated mare with all his built un angst. His voice while nowhere near as deep, nor as graceful in the art, still bid little reinterpretation. “How would I even choose? How does one break the hearts of six, for the joy of one? Even if I magically did accept I was interested, how do I make that choice?”

Drained. Barrett slid back in his chair and covered his beet red face with his shaking hands. Ample for her part was left gawking at the aftermath. In a single instant, she’d watched one of in her opinion most relaxed souls she knew erupted like a once dormant volcano.

“I can’t say,” Ample admitted. “It’s not my place to decide that,” she rose from her chair and walked over to Barrett’s side, where she wrapped him in a wing. “But, a choice must be made, if the fighting and eccentric flirting are to end.”

Barrett leaned into the warmth of his confidant. “Yeah, I know. I may not get the Love magic thing, but I can’t argue the rest,” Barrett grumbled senselessly. “Guess this is just what happens to ole Bad Luck Biggs.”

“If being chased by seven strapping suiters is bad luck, I can’t imagine your good luck,” Ample said pulling free from Barrett’s side. “I’m glad we talked.”

Barrett nodded. “Me too. You and Harpsichord are the only two who’d listen to my crap anyhow.”

“May I make a suggestion?”

“I guess so?” Barrett stood from his chair and smiled down at his newest platonic, one of few not out to jump his bones, friends.

“Perhaps, take the night to rest and think through your feelings and our talk. Maybe, you’ll know what to do then.”

“Sleep does sound nice. Maybe I’ll talk to Harps tomorrow, get his take,” Barrett mused hand scratching the stubble he’d let grow out as of late.

“I don’t know about that, but for now,” Ample Grace wrapped Barrett in a tight embrace. An embrace that was perhaps far stronger than the dainty mare had any right to possess. As her companion found himself struggling to breathe within it. When Ample did let go, she smiled sheepishly. “Until next time,” she placed a single peck on Barrett’s cheek and started away.

Barrett smiled as he watched her go. Barrett knew one thing, no matter how gay or not, no matter Love magic or not. He would never miss the sight of Grace’s backside. “Yeah, see ya later,” Barrett called to her. With the farewell, Barrett through his hands in his pockets and started the not so long walk back to his freshly not burned home.

Barrett found himself in a mixed bag of feelings, a bag kinda like trail mix, but the only things left are the dried fruit and raisins. So, really unappetizing trail mix. Barrett strolled, or as close to strolled as he could through the early night and the empty streets of Ponyville.

Barrett tucked both arms behind his head and thought back to the Canterlot wedding and the night after. “Maybe I should ask Bolaro for tips on this magic love stuff. I should’ve paid more attention at the reception.”

A sudden chittering had the human take pause. “What the” Barrett mused as he looked about the empty street both ahead and behind himself. The chittering was joined by another, this one much shriller. “Uh hello?” Barrett had picked up his speed, and yet the sound persisted.

It was in times like these that Barrett defaulted to a human saying, a human saying that had got him through some terribly unfortunate circumstances. Eyes darted side to side as he broke into a sprint. “Fuck this shit, I’m out,” He yelled as he turned down the street that would find him at the delightfully not scary confines of his own home.

There it was, the great walls that would surely wash away the sudden creepy turn into a slasher film. The chirps and hisses had grown louder, several more octaves joining the chorus. Yet despite the sounds, there was no sight of the wielder or wielders of said noise buffet.

Yards separated Barrett from his sanctuary, mere yards until he could lock his door and tell the chirping to go fuck itself sideways. Yards that Barrett realized far too late he’d never make as a familiar blur of black amorphous nothing landed directly in front of his door. The blob finally taking form in a very smug looking Changeling, who Barrett would swear was female. Which would be fine and all, except for the fact it was built like a brick wall, and a mac truck got drunk and had a threeway with a cockroach.

It wasn’t the only one though, as a sudden prodding of the top of Barrett’s head revealed to his great distress, an entire swarm of very very smug changelings. “Oh, crap.” Barrett mouthed as he realized the impact of his reality very quickly.

“You know, the changeling that tapped Barrett said. “I’ve always found it funny how few ponies or monkey things look up when they panic.”

Barrett would have responded, as a matter of fact, he agreed completely. But, answering would need the use of his mouth, which at the moment he’d realized his fate, a second changeling had splattered a very sticky gloop across his mouth and eyes.

Then, they were upon him, he struggled arms flailing about as a sudden force collided with the back of his head, and everything went very very dark. Well, darker than the gloop had made his vision before the collision. The last thought Barrett had before fading into the darkness was very simple. He couldn’t help but wonder if reading the comics would have prepared him for this stupid, unfair kidnapping. Then he fell unconscious and was whisked into the night by a chatty bunch of love-sucking bug pseudo ponies.

Comments

[DominiusTWD]

yay! now the fun begins

[Viper Pit]

I found out something in treating well two things really

The first is the exception law basically is everyone has standards and when someone hits all those standards regardless of gender they will try and date them

The other is that Barrett simply got used to the constant flirting and has learn to tolerate the ponies its not real love he just doesn't want to break his routine. After all humans are creatures of habit

[AvidSeason]

9217136
Hopefully he'll realize that second bit.

[Viper Pit]

9217144
I agree

[Dark Shade 75]

9217136
I have never heard of someone dating outside of their sexuality. There's no such law.

[Anemptyshell]

9217136
#Nospoilers, But, prepare for both those statements you made to be meaningless and false very, very, very, very, very soon...hehehehehe!

[Anemptyshell]

9217144
Nope!

[Viper Pit]

9217234
I mostly called it that because I don't know what it's really called but I remember what it was about

[Dark Shade 75]

9217514
Citation please. I have taken several courses in psychology and sociology, and have nearly earned a bachelor's in Psychology. I have never heard of such a thing. It'd certainly be news to me.

[Viper Pit]

9217524
I would do some research because I know I'm not filling it out of my ass

[steelthunder]

9217529

9217524
Nobody dates outside of their sexuality if they are strict in their sexuality. If you consider yourself a heterosexual male, and you can see ANY possible scenario where you'd be okay with dating, sex, or romance with another male, then you are no longer a strict heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a spectrum, but some people are solid type, strict, no ifs ands or buts. If Baret actually gives in to any stallion, it means he always a little bit of gay in him, he just wasn't aware of it.

[Viper Pit]

9217842
The guy who played Barney in how I met your mother

[Dark Shade 75]

9218035
...He's gay.

[Viper Pit]

9218254
I know what a old joke between me and me friends is that the only reason has gay is to give the rest of the guys a chance at getting a girl

[Dark Shade 75]

9218261
...A joke is really not how you prove the existence of a psychological law. And before you say "yeah I know", if you knew, then why even mention the actor?

Just admit you have no idea what you're talking about.

[Viper Pit]

9218514
I don't but I do remember hearing about the exception rule from somewhere tho I know that much

[PrinceOfDoom]

Bisexuality. It's the best of both worlds.

[Dark Shade 75]

9218574
Then if anything it was a hypothesis, certainly not a rule. A hypothesis that is supported by at least near-zero evidence and with no studies.

[Viper Pit]

9218621
Fair enough but it would make the story more intresing

[steelthunder]

9218580
its also means you get to get dumped by twice as many people.

[Anemptyshell]

9218918
Only if you aren't an Odanis like me...heh heh heh

[Hoppa_21]

Well, there was a comic with kidnapping the CMC, so it is possible at this point. It certainly is quite exciting and I can't wait for the next chapter!

[HumanSVD]

9217136

Apparently, ponies don't give a damn about what Barrett wants, regardless of his sexuality or not. You'd think they love him enough to respect his wishes.

I know this is supposed to be a funny story, but any other context this would be grounds for Barrett to leave Equestria before he gets raped.

This entire chapter just really irked me. I hope he gets a female but Barrett really needs to grow a spine.

[Anemptyshell]

9221707
Smells like someone missed them Ogre layers there...heh

[HumanSVD]

9223569
Ample Grace basically said ," Too bad. Be gay and pick one. Magic demands it."

And he's basically "Okay".

It's just starting to become bad writing, even for a supposedly lighthearted story.

[Anemptyshell]

9223730
That's not what was said at all...but you do you...

[HumanSVD]

9224263
Yes it was.

Pretty much, "Well tough, you didn't stop being friends with them, so you MUST want them".

[Anemptyshell]

9224395
Stange...I wrote the thing...I would know what I meant in my words...but far be it from me to question someone who can read minds and hearts...As I said, it is not what anyone said, nor what Love Magic means...You can interpret it how you like, but please don't tell the writer what they meant by what they wrote, it is rather rude.

If the story bothers you, that is fine, if you don't like it, that is fine. But please be respectful, that is all I ask.

Also, and I don't get why people don't note this, but this story is a dissection of Harem tropes and stories. The whole point is the herd mentality and the situation the protagonist is in with such a herd of would-be lovers. I hope you have a fine day.

[HumanSVD]

9224486
Then perhaps I simply don't understand it. Talking about ogre layers doesn't help explain anything.

It's really hard to understand the concept when the protagonist repeatedly says he doesn't wish to participate in any romance with stallions yet they press it anyway. Even more so when his confidant dismisses his frustration and suggests he must have some feelings be because he's too restrained in politeness.

Or like Viper Pit said, he's just used it to.

Bottom line, trying too hard, especially in the borderline of forcing someone to love them isn't good, magic or not. If they can't accept the possibility he doesn't want them, or doesn't have the capacity you accept what he wants before their desires, then they truly don't love him and Barrett should continue to refuse them.

I don't now how this is going to end. I don't know if there will be multiple "choose your suitors endings" or if he's just going to say "fuck it, I'm gay then. All of you can't have me, I give up. Whatever". Or if he'll stick to his guns and say no.

I'm still going to read it but I'm not liking where this is heading.

[gorillarmy]

9224486
" this story is a dissection of harem tropes " if it was meant to be that , then that makes the aforementioned failings far worse . ie : This story engages in the worst harem related cliche , when the reasoning for it existing are extremely convoluted , an asspull ( fixed sexual preferences were mentioned as a thing early on ) , relies too much on informed attributes and or is external to the characters ( such as them being compelled by magic ) . it takes away agency from the characters and prevents them from being engaging .

[Broddrick]

When will you continue the story? I really want to see it through and it's hard to find a story like this.

[Spirit Shift]

9503291
Hard to say, we've outlined the story but everyone except me and Wade have more or less moved on to other things. I'll try to get a chapter or two or every month. I'm not sure

[Sonicfury01]

Pleaseeeeeee tell me you will update....

[Tyloth]

Bro I'm really into this story please update soon. I've read it like three times.

[Zeican]

RIP story, I guess.

[Hilord17]

RIP STORY

"He died without knowing if he was gay or not"

Honestly, I really hope that the author's canon is that he is not gay. You can't just force someone to like you, homosexual or not.

[Fintushamy]

Well, that was my own fault.
I saw it was unfinished, I knew it was dead but I still went for it.

[Harsen]

9503789
Too bad if you want or can't finish the story. At least drop in a separate chapter of story notes. To know how it ends, maybe someone will want to finish the story, it's really good.

[Mrnom]

10621489
Human's are naturally bi. Some like women more and women like men more but they still find the same sex attractive.

[Hilord17]

11575828

Well, I don't think the topic matters anymore as this story is still in a dead end.

But still, I don't like how the universe itself (of this story) is trying to convince MC to like males (remember we still talk about small colored horses, not other humans). What Cadance says about his patience with them is just that. Patience. If you are a good friend, you stick with your pals in their best and worst times.

And they were told many times directly by him that he doesn't swing that way, yet they always go 'haha nice joke anon'.

I know it's for the sake of comedy but it's a joke that gets old as the chapters go on. I felt that in the latest chapters there was no character development at all, except from Anon.

Maybe that's why the story is in a dead end. Sorry if my grammar looks bad. I'm writing this on my phone, and I'm not a native english speaker.

[Spirit Shift]

11575987
Yeah sorry about that. I'm trying to find time to update this story too between the other two that are still getting updates. I do still have the intention to finish it, cuz the ending is planned. But regarding the other part of your comment, first and foremost this story was primarily written by myself and some friends completely as a joke concept focusing on satirizing anime and other shows with similar premises where a bunch of characters chase a singular person. If you feel uncomfortable then that's more or less the point we were trying to go for.

Even so, i still wanna thank you for giving the story, as it is so far, a read XD

[Hilord17]

11576292
Oh hey! Glad to hear from you.

Don't get me wrong, while I kinda don't like what's going on with anon, I cannot deny that it's a good story, and if a new chapter arrives, I'll be there to read it.

[HumanSVD]

Rest in peace story.