Dear Journal...
If I EVER have to practice on another princess, it'll be too soon.
One would think that being one of the nigh immortal rulers of our nation would grant a pony a certain level of dignity in pretty much all aspects of their personage. I'd like to dash such notions right here and now.
Tonight is Nightmare Night. A holiday made specifically to quench a fear caused by one of said rulers when she decided to throw the most colossal tantrum in the history of tantrums. Let me tell you, if Princess Luna's behavior today was any indication, she hasn't changed as much as she or other ponies would like to claim.
I suppose there's a certain satisfaction to the knowledge that if I had really wanted to, I could have personally defeated Nightmare Moon a few years ago all by myself. No magical artifacts required, just modern medicine.
See, reviewing Princess Luna's medical records...
Turns out she doesn't HAVE medical records. Seeing as, a thousand years ago, the medical system as Equestria knows it didn't exist. No medical system, no records, no preventative checkups... Oh, I grinned like Maneiac for this one.
I dabble in comics, keeps me sane during the shifts where I'm not patching up the Trio...
But I digress.
The mess began early this evening just as the parties began. Into the waiting room busts Nightmare Moon- Well, Princess Luna wearing false teeth and much too much eye-shadow... Like I'm going to fall for that. -Demanding somewhere in the 200 decibel range that she required a healer's attention.
All patients waiting at that moment had hearing checkups added to their rosters. FYI.
Her injury that she was so blatantly vocal about? A scratch.
I almost cuffed her on the spot. Hippocratic Oath only barely restrained me there.
Now, this should have been open and shut, but through some compulsive desire she had to over-explain every facet of the situation, I was bluntly informed that she'd received the admittedly non-life-threatening scrape from one of the rusty nails in Applejack's barn-turned-haunted-barn. I've told Big Mac a hundred times-...
Standard Operating Procedure: Review medical records and ask about her last Tetanus shot.
The answer? And, I quote: “What is a shot?”
Only crickets could be heard in my office for several minutes. That, or I was still suffering tinnitus from Princess Luna's previous announcement...
Recapping: Princess Luna, a thousand years out of date with medical history, no records, cut with potential Tetanus infection.
Since her return a few years ago, she hasn't had a single checkup. No immunizations; no blood tests; not so much as her bloody PULSE being taken.
Well... No time like the present.
After a brief explanation as to modern medical practice, Princess Luna eagerly agreed to an immediate general health exam and immunization battery.
Now, to be fair. The exam, while unexpected this late in the evening, went quickly and effortlessly. Princess Luna is quite healthy for somepony who's last medical treatment involved leeches and Castor oil...
...If they even had Castor oil at the time.
I kill time with comics, not history books. I already suffered through medical school. I'm not subjecting myself to more literature so dry it could shrivel an apple orchard.
So when it came time to administer Princess Luna's inoculations, I was fairly confident I had a reasonable patient on my hooves.
Boy, was I wrong.
Princess Luna gets one glance at the Hippotaurus B shot, and she nearly gives herself a concussion against the ceiling. One would think I came at her with a broadsword the way she jumped off the examination bed like that.
Normally, I would be prepared for such events, but the Princess proved to be adept in skills known only to her night guard. Once she'd adhered to the ceiling, she stayed up there as if her life depended on it.
The argument that ensued consisted of the usual rhetoric I had become quite versed in. You don't give hundreds of young colts and fillies their shots without learning how to corral them quickly. However, this was met with what I would like to delicately describe as complete and total breakdown of medical negotiations.
She accused me of attempted assassination via poison, then blew a hole in the wall and bolted for it.
One would think this would be the end of such a confrontation, but with the amount of trouble Ponyville has attracted in recent years, Twilight's goofs, and crusading...
“Situation fifty-four delta! (Alicorn breaching medical containment without legal discharge!)”
The only time it is even remotely considered legal to assault a member of the ruling house: When the doctor dictates.
This is something Luna didn't seem to comprehend when every last Mare and Stallion on call dropped what they were doing and jumped her. Granted, nopony here is really a threat to her highness, but that's why every medical facility in Equestria packs enough morphine to drop a dragon.
Faced with such sudden, and blatantly overwhelming odds, Luna lost it, going 'full archaic' as it were. I'm pretty certain she uttered violent curses at us the likes of which haven't been heard by mortal ears since the founding of this nation.
I know I'm saving a few to mutter under my breath during particularly irritating shifts.
The battle (for that is what it had become) raged on for several minutes while Princess Luna trashed the entire ward. At one point she even regressed into her Nightmare Moon persona, threatening eternal darkness and nights without stars if we failed to comply with her demands.
All this over some shots. And she never even bothered to escape through the windows...
Eventually, I was able to successfully wrestle her to a standstill (arm-bars everywhere) and administer something to calm her down.
With the Princess subdued. I was able to finish the procedure, if you could call it that, even as she resorted to bawling like a little filly.
At least, until she realized that she'd barely started, and I was already done.
And that was that. She blinks away the fear/pain tears, marvels at how simple that was, thanks me for my work, and saunters out as if she didn't just throw a tantrum more befitting Filthy Rich's daughter.
And it only took thirty-six doses of morphine, which she didn't even realize were ALSO all administered by needle (or blow dart in some cases), five injuries (none serious), fifteen-thousand bits in damages to the ward (already charged to the royal account), and all of my respect.
Twilight Sparkle picks up bunch of magic jewels and rainbow blasts somepony, she gets to become a princess. I hoof-wrestle a demigod, and all I get is volunteered to the clean up crew for my efforts.
Silver Lining: Ponyville Medical Center voted most horrifying haunted building, The thunderous crashes, screams of agony, and forlorn wails of a panicked princess really sold the ambiance of the place.
I wonder if I should tell the mayor we weren't entered into the contest...
Brilliant as always
...now...who next?
/5 excellent punchline.
This made my night. Well done.
After the Celestia indigestion bit, I'm so glad Luna got one of these unflattering medical exams. Especially with how hilarious it is.
... Fuck needles though, seriously. I'm with Luna on the ceiling on that one.
Makes me wonder how well she would react to Cadence, Shining Armor, and Flurry Heart... I imagine Cadence would be the only good Alicorn when it comes to doctors visits, Shining Armor would need something antimagic to drag him out of his protective bubble, and Flurry Heart is going off the walls during the entire visit. At least until she got hurt.
If she wasn’t a physical god who spent a thousand years conceptually caged in the moon I would worry about Luna causing an epidemic of ancient germs.
I wonder: Do the prisoners in Tartarus get medical checkups?
Given this, it wouldve been hilarious if Tirek had to be dragged in for check up, treatment for hindquarters problems.
At least Tarterus on Equestria isnt like Earth Hell. Where if you aint packing All the medical problems when you arrive, they throw the book at you.
Sounds like Spike has an extremely high tolerance to large doses of drugs.
Imagine the horrors of giving Flurry Heart her first check up? The will need to bring in Redheart for that one
This was hilarious as usual. Caballeron next, please!
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I agree with you on needles. Do no harm is bull crap.
lol awesome chapter and while getting a shot might be scary the first time its nothing compared to what else you can get at a hospital.
oh i wonder if more bonus chapters might come
7687276 no. THIS, was a perfect punchline:
I'm curious about who treated Discord when he was infected by that worm monster.
Make more words, please
I love this chapter! Really made me smile.
I wonder what you will think of next.
Well, yes, that about sums up my expectations.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uIVkhtU1Ls 10:19
Warning, NSFW for language. Also, this is how I'll always imagine redheart talking now.
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Pretty wide choice there. Which character?
I love it.
Excellent work!!!! This makes.my night!! XD
7689208 The police girl of course.
Good chapter!
Let's see, who is still missing...
*looks in direction of the Chrystal Empire*
How much tree sap?
...Now have her be Cadance's midwife.
7687347 You know what that means right?
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/4/45/Cadance_and_Shining_Armor_look_at_their_baby_S6E2.png/revision/20160328195346
They're next.
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Redheart: I don't know what to tell you but this isn't a pony foal. It's an elder god from the seventh star of madness. Did you think this is what foals look like?
...
...
...
For reals, this was EPIC!
Oh this is brilliant! And this is why Nurse Redheart is my WAIFU!
Redheart deserves a raise for this one. And a vacation.
I'd say wings and a horn, but I fear what retaliation she'd bring upon me for that
This was just brilliant!
Best hero of Equestria.
Rather glad she got charged for the damages. Too often they get let off the hook for shit like that...
You cheeky dickwaffle!
For all you future villains out there, here it the easiest, non-lethal method of taking over a country: Become a Doctor! Seriously! They have the highest authority in every land! When you visit the doctor or are in need of medical attention, The Doctor / Nurse is in Charge! 100% of the time. Even POTUS (President of the United States) bows to the Doctor's authority. Which is enforced upon him by his Secret Service agents.
So. You want to be in charge without needing to worry about rebellion? Become a Doctor today!
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And then you discover what stops you from becoming a dictator.
The Hippocratic Oath!
Do No Harm!
Well, Nurse, if there are prizes involved with the competition...........smile, wave, and don't say a word. You deserve that prize.
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It is a Hospital it already had a head start
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I don't care if you don't want that promotion You EARNED it you will except it
Would that be enough Morphine to drop Spike or enought to drop former Dragon Lord Torch?
On one hand, I feel that luna is far too wise and has had far too many experiences of childrens nightmares about dentists to act like this. On the other hand, she does act a bit... well, her age.
Hey!
Not everypony/everyone gets to be a hero
Some people have to blow up worlds to save lives!