- Member Since 24th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
Istaran
The only thing saving me from the horrible ideas my muse comes up with is that I'm too busy writing the last one.
Istaran
Joined 24th Jun, 2014 ·
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Two errors I noticed: It's Carousel Boutique, not Carousal, and in the last paragraph before the note, the cotton dress is made of a thicker material, not main.
That said, I am intriguéd. Please continue.
Magic padded bra that transports you to Equestria? I don't remember that being available at the Wall Market.
This has piqued my interest.
I digress, this is intriguing
Butterfly is best pony.
No one has corrected Cloud on Fluttershy's name at this point. This is proven when Cloud meets Rarity. His internal thoughts should still call her Butterfly. You could get away with nopony correcting this, because I'm sure there is somepony named Butterfly somewhere. But chances are if Fluttershy didn't correct this, Rainbow Dash would have.
FINALLY!!! Oh and hey, Rainbow did correct Cloud... eventually.
here
I like this.
Cloud Strife, future Princess of Friendship.
7209238
Thanks for all the words. They fuel my manic writing. :)
Clearly. She could use with a bit more volume at times though.
I more or less figure the story to be a recollection in some sense, so some facts can be corrected in at the time of telling. Obviously, he eventually learned her name.
Yep. Those are amongst the differences for me to apply to all future episodes/chapters.
fixed.
I make no promises in either direction. :P
7208264
Fixed, and thanks.
Next chapter is in the works.
Who saved the town again?
7210303
Clearly the alpha timeline is trying to reassert itself through typos! Fixed.
Will Sephiroth be appearing in this story? If so, then when and where?
I'll admit when I started this I was preparing myself for a trainwreck but I honestly kinda enjoyed this. Particularly enjoy the mako magic eye's it's a cool idea, Thanks for Writing!
7210746
I have a long way to go but Sephiroth is quite unlikely outside of flashbacks. I do plan for 1-2 other FF7 characters to appear eventually, but don't hold your breath. It will be months before I get there.
7210834
When I had the idea I thought it would be a fun trainwreck to read, or at least an amusing idea until you see the execution and realize why it's bad.
Seems to have been going better than I thought.
He's way too accepting of his situation, but I'll give it a try. It's an... interesting concept.
7212469
That's probably true. But freaking out wouldn't be cool and awesome like the unflappable badass ex-SOLDIER mercenary he believes himself to be.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story.
Given there's no other female in the room, those bolded bits need to match up.
7213042
Fixed. I accidentally started out writing the chapter in 3rd person, and missed a few pronouns on the way to fixing it.
7212901 It certainly has its moments. I honestly love how you practically just shoved Twilight aside, and when Cloud said "Watch out, she's entered her second form!", I broke out laughing. However, this story can be very hard to read, painful at times. It feels so rushes at times, and a lot of the dialogue is unnatural or just doesn't fit. For example, Pinkie's 'candy apple' bit worked in the show because there was a build up to it, it started as one thing and went off on a tangent until it arrived at candy apples. Here, it was said out of nowhere.
You really need a prereader to help point out problems with the story, plot, and interactions.
This has a lot of potential and is entertaining, but it could be a lot better.
7215008
Would you be willing to volunteer?
(Or anyone else reading this)
7215150 Sadly, I don't have internet at home and rely on public Wi-Fi, the closest of which is a half-hour walk away. If I can get my internet back, I would, but until then I don't think it'll work.
7215183
Alright. If your situation changes, you know how to reach me. In the meantime, I will try to make it a good read.
This is good, in that bad crossover/B-movie kind of way. Tracking.
"It's her second form!" and Pinkie playing the FF7 Fanfare on her kazoo were the best bits.
7216558
Thanks! I think that is about what I was going for. A terrible idea played straight with as good of execution as I can manage. (I'm sure you can see why I am not quitting my day job to become a novelist, but I don't think my writing is terrible. Just my idea.)
7216834
Your writing isn't terrible, though there's room for improvement (which is true of us all) and the idea isn't bad either, just a bit overplayed. And your execution is hilarious enough to more than make up for it.
If you want 'terrible-sounding ideas that somehow work' try Against All Odds. The premise is: Cloud is a Chocobo. Played 100% straight. Sadly dead now.
7215284 Good luck. I'll be following along, and look forward to seeing you grow as a writer.
7216956
7217712
Thanks!
7216956 I haven't read that, but it sounds stupidly hilarious. I'm already sad it's dead.
7209238
After further thought, I have decided to revise this per your suggestion.
Hah, Rarity is a Cactuar
Good for you Cloud. I always wondered if the girls ever got any form of payment for such dangerous work. Also, shouldn't it be 7 thousand at first? I don't see Cloud's share although he mentions that half of Fluttershy's will be divided between "us" which since Cloud is speaking means she's included. So with Twilight's enhanced share it should be 8 thousand total.
I can't help but think that this event may be an issue for Fluttershy's future development. I know Stare Master is still coming, but I can't help but wonder if that episode isn't effected by the altered events of this one.
7240185
Original 6k was Cloud, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy. Only after adding Twilight back in do you get 'mane six + Cloud' which is where it adds up to 7 (x1000 bits).
One the one hand, Flutter faced down an Ursa Major already, so we've seen her hidden strength in a different way. On the other hand, this means she hasn't faced up to a non-Spike dragon, so that fear is completely unconfronted.
7240203
Ah I gotcha. Still glad Cloud got that issue covered. It's good to have the girls make money for these kinda things. Beyond the whole "it's dangerous" thing, you also have to consider they may not get paid for time away from work. Or in Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy's case, not make money in their self-employment (that Fluttershy part depends on if you see her taking care of animals as a government job or a personal job).
7240221
Since Cloud is quite explicitly a mercenary at this point, of course he's going to get them paid.
I figure canonically they live a lot more off an unspoken pseudo-economy of ponies helping other ponies, especially in Ponyville. A pony needs help? Somepony will step in and help them. Because they need it. But since not everything acts off that, the most helpful ponies can kind of get shafted a bit, despite the goodwill they build up that helps assure they'll get help when it's obvious they need it.
Well yes, Cloud. This is what happen when you let the rogue go on her own.
But you knew that of co- oh, right. This is pre-Corneo. Well, now you do.
7241427
Who is this Yuffie person of whom you speak? I have clearly never met such a woman.
Canonically, Rarity would have gotten away just fine if left to her own devices, just as soon as she let go of the loot.
At least until the dragon came out after RD and TPKO'd the ponies.
Soooo Celestia paid them, but she stole the loot. Well played.
Now the only question remains: Buster Sword or Fusion Swords? Then again, how would a normal blacksmith even make those to work? Or is Cloud manipulating them with his Mako? I never understood how those things worked the way they did in Advent Children.
7242482
In Advent Children they clearly worked entirely on Rule of Cool. Which is fine, since that's one of Cloud's official super powers.
The buster sword is a specific item with personal significance to Cloud, even if he doesn't really remember that significance properly at the moment. Making a copy might help with the look, but wouldn't really be the same.
That escalated quickly.
7280535
Rainbow prefers things to be fast. She is less of a stickler for things being in the right order. This does not always end well for her.
Now all she needs is to run into a pony that looks like this
cdn.squares.im/pony/pic/user/2013/02/118d03f1f5a366cc085fbd136b1a80d6.png
Encouraging her to embrace her dreams and we can have a good old pre-lifestream swim Cloud freak-out.
7285514
For extra joy, it should be Rainbow Dash's ex-boyfriend.
i.ytimg.com/vi/WUCywwNza3M/hqdefault.jpg
No mention of blue flowers? The ones growing around Zecora's house?
Meh, Zecora probably gave them the info on those in the jumpcut... though Rarity might've been protected via the gloveboots and boots. And the pegasi probably flew over them. Pinkie though...
7312111
The Poison Joke aren't right around her house. The ponies took a different path this time, and remain completely ignorant of the blue flowers.
Snrk. PS1 graphics.
7323850
Cloud didn't get the joke. Pinkie probably would have.
7241835
No one ever gets loot from narrated boss battles that end with a short cut-scene and waking up in a medical facility afterwards.
....So just from these two chapters I can tell something. Why are you saying Twilight can't be apart of this story, instead replacing her with Lightning..sorry Cloud(whenever I think female Cloud, I think Lightning). It honestly kills a lot of Twilight characters as the character is gone and kind of make's her pointless now. What's stopping her from just going home she has nothing to gain and just serves as dead weight. Which as a Twilight fan, kind of makes me mad that what she is now.
As for the premise of the whole thing, um okay, but why Cloud, in this story he is replaceable with other characters with similar things going on. Also the pacing is all out of wack.
7212901 Shame this is in first person, since my mind basically just pictured her sitting there for a good two or three minutes staring blankly out into space while her inner monologue strings every swear, curse and panic-stricken expletive she can come up with before she just takes a deep breath and is like "Fuck it. This still isn't as freaky as some of the things I've seen back in SOLDIER." Or some other noodle incident. And then every time she accepts something outright following another quiet freak-out, just repeat "Still not as freaky as ____."
You could even finally break the record and go "...Alright. This is freakier."