Fallout Equestria story based in the frozen north. Follow Moonshine and company as they travel the frozen north, and deal with the reprocusions of the return of harmony and fantastic adventures.
7968900 I am actually reworking the content. The first chapter will be longer, and the new chapter will have a better beginning. Expect quite a few changes.
Hmm... an interesting beginning, really You do well on setting this in and painting the wasteland, as well as giving things reasons. It's not as easy with 'genetics' as you call it, but I agree, the scorching sun is a really nice detail, just like water being used as currency - looking at some of Near East or African countries, that one is not too far from truth. Also, Moonshine is a really interesting character. Contented with what little he has, full of sarcasm and cynicism (I like that!) and with a talent that could be of interesting use in the wasteland. Also, I hope to see more of his mental images.
However, the big downside of this story I see is the grammar - notably your punctuation placement, capitalization, mixing up past and present tense and also a bit of troublesome plurals (You don't use apostrophe while creating a plural of some word. Also, it's Pegasi). If you wish, I can explain more through a PM about those - or try to help you edit this. Up to you Sadly, due to most of the errors concentrated in the beginning of the chapter, I reckon I can understand why this otherwise well-crafted story (As far as I can tell now.) has those ratings it has... Also, what is it with the large paragraph spaces? One is enough and the larger ones should be replaced with a line break.
Anyway, thank you for this chapter, it was an interesting evening read. I'll make sure to read the rest as well.
They were overcome with the penetrating wind, and stinging ice. Only the toughest and hardiest made it to their claim, while the others, set up out posts, and little towns along the path north.
Thirty minutes later, (our ride remaining in utter silence) we finally began our descent. - doesn't sound right in my head. maybe something like, The silenced continued for a while until we started descending.
"Every pony had adapted over generations to the low levels of sunlight, and when the sun returned in its full glory, ponies burned, withered, and suffered from the glare, and many others died from skin cancer, and dehydration."
Its really nice that you are going all science on us... But if you are going science can't you go half assed! If the suns radiation get modified so much by the cloud cover would all of the ponies from the Stables die from complications of vitamin D deficiency after living outside their bunkers, and any larger than normal sized insect should not be possible because of the percentage of oxygen in the air that only would be lowered after an atomic winter that would fuck the eco system over and stop photosynthesis, and a whole slew of other sciency stuff. Neither MLP nor FO is about being scientific accurate, heck Fo have rad meds in bottles, cold fussion cells that you could have in your pocket, and matter to energy to matter converters was even shown in one of the DLCs. Some logic and science is nice, but neither have the control in the realm of pastel ponies.
So seeing as you have such a nice prologue written up do I really not know why you don't have a prologue chapter. What you have written would be a perfect show of how FoE works to a new reader, how you write, and where we are in the setting. And since it is a prologue to the first chapter... yea give it its own space so the first chapter is the first chapter, and the prologue is the prologue... And then is the first many segments of the actual first chapter is rehashing the prologue, just trough the characters eyes instead of doing it from a narrators viewpoint. I must admit that I normally follow a rule of 3 when it comes to new stories and determining if I want to continue or not, but how the character described stuff was really not my cup of tea sadly combined with me having to re-read the whole first story over again made me stop early on. Maybe I have gotten a bit spoiled lately with some other stories that just hit it out of the park from the first page, and I am sorry that I give up so quickly, but how the character describe stuff does not sit with me, and is made worse with, as I have said, that we just got told the stuff mere pages before. Nice headshots thou!
Nitpicks: "a Vault dweller hailing from Stable two," Stable pony "and over they years since, " The "and forced the Pegasi to finally take note of those living on the surface of Equestria" pegasi is not with capital letters, it is a race after all. " More time passed, and the hatred for the Pegasi was finally cooled when food and water became scarcer, and they all had to begrudgingly work together to survive." Why should hate slowly erode when pegasi began to starve and the ones below have in abundance? The Enclave are xenophobic as hell, you do not change that over a few years. "Speaking of Dehydration" Don't know why you have this capitalized.
This story is awesome! Keep it up.
7895973 thank you very much. Its not easy being a new writer
Is there gonna be another chapter?
7968900
I am actually reworking the content. The first chapter will be longer, and the new chapter will have a better beginning. Expect quite a few changes.
7969614 alright
It's looking great man- I'm excited to see more.
Hmm... an interesting beginning, really
You do well on setting this in and painting the wasteland, as well as giving things reasons. It's not as easy with 'genetics' as you call it, but I agree, the scorching sun is a really nice detail, just like water being used as currency - looking at some of Near East or African countries, that one is not too far from truth.
Also, Moonshine is a really interesting character. Contented with what little he has, full of sarcasm and cynicism (I like that!) and with a talent that could be of interesting use in the wasteland. Also, I hope to see more of his mental images.
However, the big downside of this story I see is the grammar - notably your punctuation placement, capitalization, mixing up past and present tense and also a bit of troublesome plurals (You don't use apostrophe while creating a plural of some word. Also, it's Pegasi). If you wish, I can explain more through a PM about those - or try to help you edit this. Up to you Sadly, due to most of the errors concentrated in the beginning of the chapter, I reckon I can understand why this otherwise well-crafted story (As far as I can tell now.) has those ratings it has... Also, what is it with the large paragraph spaces? One is enough and the larger ones should be replaced with a line break.
Anyway, thank you for this chapter, it was an interesting evening read. I'll make sure to read the rest as well.
They were overcome with the penetrating wind, and stinging ice. Only the toughest and hardiest made it to their claim, while the others, set up out posts, and little towns along the path north.
Thirty minutes later, (our ride remaining in utter silence) we finally began our descent. - doesn't sound right in my head. maybe something like, The silenced continued for a while until we started descending.
Review time!
Its really nice that you are going all science on us... But if you are going science can't you go half assed! If the suns radiation get modified so much by the cloud cover would all of the ponies from the Stables die from complications of vitamin D deficiency after living outside their bunkers, and any larger than normal sized insect should not be possible because of the percentage of oxygen in the air that only would be lowered after an atomic winter that would fuck the eco system over and stop photosynthesis, and a whole slew of other sciency stuff. Neither MLP nor FO is about being scientific accurate, heck Fo have rad meds in bottles, cold fussion cells that you could have in your pocket, and matter to energy to matter converters was even shown in one of the DLCs. Some logic and science is nice, but neither have the control in the realm of pastel ponies.
So seeing as you have such a nice prologue written up do I really not know why you don't have a prologue chapter. What you have written would be a perfect show of how FoE works to a new reader, how you write, and where we are in the setting. And since it is a prologue to the first chapter... yea give it its own space so the first chapter is the first chapter, and the prologue is the prologue...
And then is the first many segments of the actual first chapter is rehashing the prologue, just trough the characters eyes instead of doing it from a narrators viewpoint. I must admit that I normally follow a rule of 3 when it comes to new stories and determining if I want to continue or not, but how the character described stuff was really not my cup of tea sadly combined with me having to re-read the whole first story over again made me stop early on. Maybe I have gotten a bit spoiled lately with some other stories that just hit it out of the park from the first page, and I am sorry that I give up so quickly, but how the character describe stuff does not sit with me, and is made worse with, as I have said, that we just got told the stuff mere pages before. Nice headshots thou!
Nitpicks:
"a Vault dweller hailing from Stable two," Stable pony
"and over they years since, " The
"and forced the Pegasi to finally take note of those living on the surface of Equestria" pegasi is not with capital letters, it is a race after all.
" More time passed, and the hatred for the Pegasi was finally cooled when food and water became scarcer, and they all had to begrudgingly work together to survive." Why should hate slowly erode when pegasi began to starve and the ones below have in abundance? The Enclave are xenophobic as hell, you do not change that over a few years.
"Speaking of Dehydration" Don't know why you have this capitalized.