Lifting her head high—and feeling self-conscious for doing so—Celestia gazed over in Gosling’s direction while there was a brief lull in the onslaught of hoofshakers. For a moment, she envied him, a downright painful sensation that left a dreadful weight upon her heart, and she longed to have his sense of ease when dealing with strangers. He was eating this up and appeared to be loving every minute of it, while she herself had to play the role of princess. Truth be told, she wasn’t enjoying herself much at all. The line on the stairs was the same as the last gala, and the one before, and the one before that. Already, her hoof and fetlock were throbbing, bruised by those who just had to have a better grip than an alicorn, the need to squeeze as hard as equinely possible.
Alas, she could not squeeze them in return as none of them would survive such an encounter unscathed.
“Princess, I think ya need a break.”
The commanding country twang made Celestia’s head turn, and she found Applejack standing beside her. Funny, she hadn’t seen the orange earth pony creep up on her. Had she been distracted? Maybe. Applejack was squinting, she was studying, and Celestia looked down upon her distant descendant with a raised eyebrow.
“At some point, every mother needs a break,” Applejack began, and she dispensed her earthy, country wisdom in a fine, slow drawl. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my girls. Hidden Rose and Ambrosia are the best things that’s ever happened to me. I love them dearly, I do… but sometimes, sometimes… sometimes those little fillies are a huge pain in my hindquarters, and I get fed up with them. Big Mac says I get a look on my face and I done reckon that right now, you have that same look.”
“Applejack… I…” Dumbfounded, Celestia’s words trailed off into a breathy exhale.
“When a mother gets fed up, it don’t mean that she loves her foals any less, it just means she’s fed up. When I left Hidden Rose and Ambrosia with Tarnish and Maud, I was so relieved to be away from those little stinkers that I just about cried. And of course, my girls, they thought I almost cried because I was sad to leave them, and consarnit, I let them think that too.”
“Applejack!”
“Lettin’ go is important.” Applejack tilted her head back, wiggled and squirmed inside of her gown, and one hind hoof clattered against the floor. “Tarnation, I can feel sweat rolling down my belly and I can’t do a thing about it!” The rough mare gave herself an unladylike shake, and then, resorting to desperate measures, she gave a quick scratch to her stomach with one hind hoof.
“You’ve had a rough go of things, near as I can tell. There was that whole thing with Mister Mariner, we’re beset on all sides by powerful enemies, so Twilight tells me, and ponies are mighty unhappy right now with the way things are. Everypony seems to expect for Mom to just have a magical fix, and so far, that hasn’t happened. Ponies are a bit peeved with Mom, and it seems that Mom is peeved right back. Right now, Mom’s got that look on her face, and as one Mom to another Mom, I can see it plain as day.”
“Except I can’t just go away and take a break. I’m stuck in a house full of bickering foals.”
“No, I done reckon you can’t, and yeah, I reckon ya are, and shucks, that’s not fair to you.” Snorting, Applejack tried to smooth out her dress, but each swipe of her hoof seemed to make the wrinkling problem even worse. After a few more half-hearted attempts, she gave up and ignored her mussed dress.
Down at the base of the steps, the guard stood in a solid row, preventing access.
Foals were dancing with one another, along with a few adults. Off on the other side of the ballroom, Gosling was dancing a lively jig with a filly, and Celestia watched while letting heave a wistful sigh. Realising that something was amiss, Celestia did a quick check of the room and then turned to Applejack.
“Where is Pinkie Pie?”
“Well, she had to work,” Applejack replied, her words more of a sigh than anything else, and she punctuated what she had to say with a short huff. “And she’s been staying with Tarnish too, because there’s another Mom in trouble, and that’s Trixie. She was worn real, real thin there and all of us was starting to worry about her. There’s been uh, uh, what’s Twi call it again? A concerted effort? Something like that. Anyhow, Pinkie is basically pulling double shifts and she just couldn’t be here tonight.”
“She always makes a gala so lively. I was looking forward to her mayhem.”
“I didn’t even want to leave my two little headaches with Tarnish and them, but Mac was busy, and my foalsitter got the flu. I didn’t want no stress and strain on poor Trixie, but Tarnish insisted that everything would be fine. At least Sumac gets to spend time with his cousins. I wish they’d stop teasing him, though, they’s powerful annoying.”
Reaching out one wing, Celestia pulled Applejack a little closer, grateful to have the wise mare’s comfort. In thoughtful repose, she watched the gala, taking note of the many bright, eager faces. Little unicorns that might change the world someday. All around, the first steps of gawky romance were being taken by many and more established relationships were being forged by a few. Rainbow Dash was regaling a crowd of little unicorn foals with how she saved Rarity from falling to her death and performed a sonic rainboom.
There was no sign of Rarity either and this made Celestia sad.
Blueblood was working the crowd, baiting those whom Celestia absolutely could not stand and saving her from their soul-sapping banality. He was a smooth operator, Blueblood, and Celestia valued his service. The record, scratchy, skipped a bit, but nopony seemed to notice. Down below, the starry-eyed lovebirds were too focused on one another, the timid were too busy holding on to their courage, and the dancers were too busy having a good time.
In a corner, Twilight was holding an impromptu story time and was reading a book to a group of foals huddled together. Clever Twilight had found a way for shy little bookworms to have a pleasant time and still be social with one another. It dawned upon Celestia that somepony had allowed Applejack access to the landing. Perhaps it had been Twilight.
“Applejack… I have a confession.”
“Well, go on, I has a whole bunch of those myself.”
Smiling, Celestia had to hold back laughter because of Applejack’s response. “I’ve not been a mother. Not in the traditional way, anyhow. I’ve foaled more times than I can count, but being a mother is more than having a foal. After foaling, I’ve always had to pass off the care of my little ones to wet nurses, nursemaids, and nannies. An army of governesses have always reared my young. It was necessity, you see. A matter of time management. Other things took priority. Now, I find myself with a good deal of trepidation and the shadow of motherhood scares me.”
In response, Applejack said nothing, but appeared to be chewing her lower lip while her ears pivoted to follow every nearby sound. Her mane, done up in an enormous bouffant, was breaking free of its restraints a few golden strands at a time. Applejack’s green eyes reflected the light, they twinkled, and she existed, oblivious, with no awareness or comprehension of her own exceptional natural beauty. When one golden strand fell down over her face, she puckered up the corner of her mouth and made several futile attempts to blow it back into place.
“I think you’ll be fine,” Applejack said, banishing the break in conversation. “I wanna say that things are different now than they once were, but I don’t know that for certain. You do run a school and in my mind, being a teacher ain’t much different than being a mother. I mean, Cheerilee is practically a mom to most of her students. I raised Apple Bloom, but when my own time came, I was scared to death that I’d be a bad mother. I’d like to think I’m good at what I do, but that could be pride talking, sho’nuff.” After a moment, the little mare raised her head and cast a sidelong glance up at the much larger mare. “And let’s not forget that you practically raised Twilight Sparkle. Twi’s done told me stories.”
“Thank you, Applejack.”
“Don’t mention it, Princess.”
“It was just what I needed to hear.”
“I find that sometimes, we’re in need of a reminder of the obvious.”
Celestia found herself taking a moment to reflect upon this, and with her wing resting on Applejack’s sturdy back, she nodded. With her head tilted off to one side, she watched as Gosling sat on the floor and played a clip-clop game with an electric blue filly that had a crazy pink mane. His tongue was out and he had an exaggerated expression of concentration that made him look absolutely ridiculous—which was perfect. Gosling was at his best when he was at his most ridiculous and Celestia found herself wishing that she was alone with him in private.
“I suppose my break should be over…” Celestia retracted her wing, folded it against her side, and drew in a deep breath. “Thank you, Applejack, for everything.”
“Aw, shucks, it ain’t nuttin’.” Grinning, she added, “I’m gonna go start a belchin’ contest ‘round that punch bowl over yonder!”
From this height, from this angle, Gosling was a magnificent creature. Approachable, friendly, affectionate, warm, sincere, kind, the list could go on forever. Being this small offered a unique perspective, a reminder that a foal saw the world in a way that was fundamentally different than adults. Gosling, with his rubber ducky cutie mark and his face-splitting goofy grin, he was the sort of adult that was easy to approach.
The whole of the world was different down here. Adults were giants, sometimes benevolent, sometimes scary. To a foal, the narrow chasm that an adult saw beneath the bed became a vast, yawning expanse rife with the potential for monsters, shadows, and things that went bump in the night. This very ballroom, which was quite cavernous by adult standards, was downright overwhelming when seen through a foal’s eyes.
Alone in the crowd, the nondescript filly looked about, her wide eyes blinking only when absolutely necessary, and her ears listened to every sound with great suspicion. Why, even just the simple act of searching out potential threats became far, far scarier when one was this small, with the danger, real or imagined, feeling so much more dangerous. The mind in this body wanted to imagine, to pretend, it demanded to play and to run away on flights of fancy. This mind too, was young, just like the body, and this mind had needs. These needs were a distraction, a detriment, because there was no time to tell colts they were stinky, or to admire new styles of manes and tails on pretty fillies.
There was only a constant neverending strain on the mind, pressure almost to a breaking point. Making it obey, making it conform, repressing all else—it all grew quite tiresome and was a struggle with no end in sight, no respite. Giving one’s self over to the whims of whatever body was being worn at the time was a dangerous, dicey proposition. One might ask for upsies or any number of embarrassing, awful things, and then the barrier became thinner. Should the barrier ever break, a loss of self might result, or maybe some worse fate.
The outcome was unknown.
This duality? Plurality? This indefinite state of ever-changing, ever-shifting existence threatened to shear the mind, but it was necessary. Lifting her head, the filly looked about, and her mind, already stretched thin with fatigue, tried to filter out potentially hostile thoughts. For a moment, her resolve slipped and hundreds of minds poured into hers all at once, unfiltered, unrestrained, all of the screams left echos in the canyons of her mind.
Adultery! Scandalous thoughts! Lecherous perversions! Dread! Love! Warmth! Friendship! Arousal! Desire! Fear! Lust! Terror! Broken Heartedness! The sudden rush threatened to crush her mind completely and it was only with a great deal of strain that the filly regained control of her senses. One thing stood out, and that was a sense of longing desire for her. Fearful that she might be the target of some grotesque stallion, the filly homed in on the sense of need and saw a filly sitting in line, waiting for Gosling.
She was small, vulnerable, scared, and had a powerful sense of desire for another filly. Probing deeper, there was confusion, guilt, shame, fear, and doubt. A dreadful sense that there was something wrong, something off. With this flood of emotions, a gradual realisation was reached: this filly had not yet made peace with who she was and she was consumed by fear. What dreadful dreams she did invite, what terrors did she call upon herself.
The nondescript filly blinked once and then stood unmoving. She knew the unicorn foal’s fear and her undiscovered identity. In this body, with this mind, the sense of sympathy was almost overwhelming, almost too much to bear, and it was with great regret that the connection was severed. It was a detriment, a distraction, and had to be cast aside. Still, it felt nice to have caught some filly’s eye, to have been the target of wholesome, normal emotion. Not everypony was corrupt and there was still good in the world.
Moving with a slow, methodical gait, the small nondescript filly prowled the crowd…
It's always a shame to me when Celestia doesn't manage to break free of the role to which society insists that she conform.
Just wow, gosling has a lot of work ahead of him in helping Lulu deal with her issues. Kudzu is such a god in adding such deep characterization to these ponies that few are able to do so.
Hm.
Outta interest, any readers NOT figure out the non-descript filly identity? clues last one or two chapters.
8688916
me.
8688959
Read the previous chapter a second time and check for clues.
8688984
kk, thanks.
8689070
Wow, is that Former Queen Cheeselegs?
8689075
No.
8689114
damn, I thought I was on to something.
So I am about ready to start this story but I am wondering. I have read The Sun Also Surprises, perilous romance, and darkness softly creeping.
Any other related stories I ought to read before getting into this one? I'm fine with mature and non mature content. I'm aware of Fronk as a side story to this one
What else?
8688625
In many cases that can become extremely selfish and damaging. She might continue the run the government just as ably, but destroying the perceptions of the one constant pillar of stability in the lives of her subjects might be like taking the last thumb tack out of the wall poster. Especially when their world is in danger of ending.
Maybe during peace time, when there are more to help rule. When ponies can look outward after bettering themselves, to better the world. But for now she has to be what they expect, or the loss of faith might be irreversible. The burden of the crown is heavy.
This is part of what makes Kudzu's Celestias so amazing. They don't have to 'shrug off the crown' or break down into sobs whenever Luna walks by to be 'a good Celestia'. She does what she does because she has to, because those nearly infinite, daily sacrifices of hers are more of a benefit to everyone else than they are painful to her, and they ARE painful. The very definition of blood, sweat, and tears. I can't help but respect her for staying where she's at, doing what she's doing, for the good of everyone - even those who might work against her or think themselves better than her. They never see what she gives up, because that would also break the spell.
I like this sort of Celestia depiction most of all.
8689177
In the main, I agree with you. It's just a matter of degree. But when societal expectations lead to her literally working herself to injury, as it has here, then 'stability' is the word behind which hides 'fear of growth'. Applejack's analogy of them of children is apt, and like children, they shouldn't get to dictate their mother's behavior.
All of this, however, is the general case. I do not truly have complaints about how Kudzu has written the specific. I am just annoyed with the nobility on Celestia's behalf.
8689177
Is the over simplification be a shark in business and a kitten in private and a pray that they never get crossed?
Also not story related but topic related: is fluttershys "lack of confidence" and shy personality a over development of the softer side ponies need hence the major change when she is pushed to far? Is she disharmonious of mind because of this and actually needs the flutterbat transformation as a balancer (the yang to her ying so to speak)?
8689466
Actually, the nobility in the Weedverse seem to be fairly... decent for the most part (?) (Darks notwithstanding) (recalling the noble uprising... when they marched to come stand for Celestia). It's the business owners and the average Joe that's got the attitude problems, if I remember correctly. I understand what you mean by stagnation with fear of growth, but when the survival of every living being in the world and many beyond is on the line, with you and yours being the only thing really holding back the darkness, is not really the best time to just shatter everyone's minds and the foundation of their understanding of what things ARE good in their lives. Especially in a world where the enemy is empowered by negativity. We recall that she is the god of many of these people, and their faith in her is part of what helps her out in a very practical way.
So, seeing as my favorite of the main six did say that, and I understand what you're saying... it's risky, but a gradual change might be able to help shake them loose from their rut without blowing up the cart. Something like that might help her and do... something for the countless louts trying not to get et by monsters and undead in Equestria.
General disclaimer: Whenever I make one of these posts, please assume they're coming from my personal experience applied to the data points presented by the writing as more of a thought project, and not as a commentary or prediction of the writing itself.
8689170
There is a link in the description, but you should be fine. This story parallels with another story, but not to worry.
8688984
Would I be too far from the mark to say it's little foamy?
8689554
I get what you're getting at, but yes. That is essentially the only real way to lead more than a handful of people. Charisma is more than just being able to schmooze and mingle like Gosling is doing. He's got a ton of THAT aspect. The other kind is the ability to adopt a mask like Celestia, a personality on top of your own, based on what everyone else sees you as, what they convince themselves you are. Because in this way they're telling you what they need you to be. Whether in a pragmatic sense, or because the idea that this is what you are to them is what gives them hope, and hope can help them get themselves through problems you'd never even know about, let alone be there to assist them with.
So you drop the mask in private, with trusted people who can't or won't break the spell, who won't spill the secret. Because once that mask drops in front of everyone, you'll have permanently lost at least a percentage of those who previously were committed to you. A leader that people love and respect, even if taken for granted, is more than a person with a job to do, they're a servant to their subordinates, and at the same time a beacon for them to crowd around and draw strength from the very idea of. If you take that away from them, show them your unprofessional failings, your vulnerable self, there are always going to be people who had based everything that they currently are or know on an idea they made up regarding you that you've just proven was false.
In real life we see this sort of thing lead to suicide or homicide at worst. At the very opposite, some of these afflicted persons can overcome their sudden loss of self and understanding. Hopefully without latching onto something else instead, but that's honestly too much to be reasonable to ask that they all just drop all crutches in one go.
If we see Celestia just out herself in front of Equestria... there's a chance we might see an overall good outcome. There's forces of Harmony and such at work here, and the inherent nature of equinity, plus equine social understandings based on their biological herd structure with Celestia as the matriarch/alpha mare. But she still would lose believers, subjects, possibly gain some new smattering of enemies. Depending on how many are fine with Real!Celestia versus Deified Image of Celestia, and how many feel betrayed, lost, confused, bitter, she might lose some of her power. Both political and magical in whatever sense that she gains power from worship as a god, which I imagine might be separate from the magical power she was created with due to the Centaurs.
But yes, shark in business, kitten in private is an apt way to put it. In general, when the stakes are high, you don't want the two to ever meet.
8689577
Who wanted upsies?
8689593
Okay, so two chapters ago, then. Regardless, I am become error...
Now what might Luna be up to? Just security? Hmm.