Spike walked back to the library, mustering up all the willpower he had to put on the normally practiced and faked smile he usually wore to avoid attention but this time, he had trouble from keeping the smile from wavering.
It had been less then five minutes since he left Fluttershy's cottage and yet, he felt he had been walking for hours. The reason for this was because the mental wall that kept his emotions in check had finally cracked. Now he had to not only patch up his now damaged mental barrier and keep himself from letting any emotions loose, but he also had to resist the urge to collapse from the mental exhaustion he was experiencing. At this point, his body was on autopilot as his mind took care of "damage control".
This didn't mean that Spike wasn't aware of his surroundings. No, he saw everything. Ponies playing and having fun, working the stalls, or just taking a trot around town. Even though he was envious of all the happiness other ponies were flaunting around, it made hiding his tears of sadness and avoiding attention much easier.
"Finally I'm done" Spike announced in a tired sigh as he started to approach and enter the library he called home.
As he entered, he was glad to see the library still intact. Even without the girls there, the place still had a chance of somehow making itself a mess that he had to clean. Luckily for Spike, he was done with all the hard work for today. It seems that he will get some rest after all.
He of course, didn't forget about Owlicious. He got some food for his feathery companion and fed him before finally going upstairs to his bed, or at least what he used as a bed. While he never complained about his sleeping conditions before, he would've liked to have a real bed not a basket....
"Just another reminder of my inferiority, having to sleep in a basket like a dog. Heck even a crib would be better then this. Being unable to get out of it once you were put into it would be a very minor inconvenience at worst. I would also actually be able to stretch out for once without either my arms or legs going over the sides, I'd say that is a bargain." Spike thought to himself as he looked disappointedly at his "bed".
Spike then paused for a moment and frowned "Of course I'd want a crib since my mind clearly wants me to not have any self respect. I...I can't even muster up the energy to worry, I just want rest."
As Spike hopped into his "bed" and pulled the covers over himself, he couldn't help but feel restless even though his body demanded rest. Part of his mind was yelling at him to just let himself sleep so his brain could rest as well as his body while another part of his mind was forcing himself to stay awake, making his thoughts so powerful that he couldn't even stay still in his basket-bed.
After what felt like an hour of tossing and turning he finally gave up and took a look at the clock. "Ten minutes! There is no way I had only been laying there trying to sleep for ten bucking minutes!" Spike said out loud, almost baffled at how he couldn't have the one thing he had been waiting for all day since he woke up. All he ever wanted to do was just.... go back to sleep.
"Well, maybe some milk will help." He told himself, hoping his body would comply and shut down afterwards. He figured it was a long shot but why not at least try and see if it worked.
Spike went down to the kitchen and poured himself a nice cool glass a milk. His mouth desperately wanted to suck the beverage into his body as soon as it entered the glass, which he had done.
As he stared at the empty glass, his already overworked brain swelled with more questions and desires. "I wonder, what would drinking from a bottle feel like? Would milk taste better in a bottle? Is it hard getting milk out of a bottle? If foals had a choice would they drink from a bottle, sippy cup, or glass? Is it truly wrong to want a bottle of my own?"
These thoughts were the only thoughts he could actually understand, as his thoughts were so jumbled he could only hear bits and pieces of other foalish things."Bibs, toys, mommy, cuddles, love, cribs, naps, storytime, lullabies."
Spike then clutched his claws to his head tightly and shut his eyes as he began to get a painful headache from all the words bouncing within his mind. Eventually he couldn't understand anything. At this point everything sounded like gibberish... or a clumped up alien language, however, one word had sounded almost separated from the rest. "Diapers."
Spikes eyes then flew open with clear determination on his face and a simple goal in mind. "Alright that's it, I need answers right now!"
He then walked into the main room. Twenty thousand books worth of knowledge and at least one book that had to have what he was searching for, or so he hoped.
"Well then, I guess it's time to embrace my inner Twilight if I plan to find out why I have these persisting thoughts." Spike said in an unexcited tone.
He then came to a realization which made him grin. "On the bright side, I only need to look through a book with 'psychology' as the topic or at least something similar. This means over ninety percent of these books are avoidable since most will be useless to me."
"Well then, looks like it's time to hit the books." Spike said as he cracked his claws and neck with a challenging smirk on his face.
Four hours later.....
"Ugghhhh, another waste of bucking time!" Spike said as he chucked the book he was currently looking through at the bookshelf he found it at.
He had read through, what looked to be twenty different psychology books and so far and he found absolutely nothing. "Hmph, seems like I could be the only one with this problem. I guess I shouldn't be surprised."
Then by pure luck, the suns rays came through the windows and had aimed themselves on one of the many, many books that currently covered the floor. Out of curiosity and desperation, he picked up the book and read the title. "Quirks and Kinks of all Kinds" written by somepony Spike had never heard of (even though he didn't really know many authors in general), and quite frankly, had an odd name "Masked Muzzle".
Spike was curious which was easily heard by the tone in his voice. "I get that not all pony names are perfect. Fancy pants is a perfect example. I mean, what pony actually wears pants. This name however, is by far the oddest name I've ever heard."
"Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Twilight mentioned how some authors use an alias when writting a story to remain anonymous. Oh well, it's probably not important."
As Spike looked through the book, he was baffled at some of the topics he'd seen. He thought his brain was going to burst at suddenly being thrust into a reality he never knew existed. Hoof worship, bondage, and even...spanking? That can't be right, wouldn't ponies dislike being spanked?"
All of these topics, each far different from the last and yet, despite seeing so many different topics, he's never even heard of a single ONE of them. "This... this has to be exaggerated. Maybe most of them are outdated or something, otherwise I would've heard about at least one of these before, right?"
Finally after looking through dozens of odd and some interesting topics, he'd found what he's been looking for. "A....Forever Foal?" After reading through the subject Spike had to admit, while he wasn't a pony and therefore couldn't technically be considered a foal, he found that term to be very... satisfying. The name was certainly better then "Forever Hatchling" which didn't roll off the tongue as well.
"This whole 'Forever Foal' thing... this describes me almost perfectly! Basically, some individuals wish to regress to a time without stress. A time where they can feel carefree, loved, and secure. Some ponies even wish to regress because they want a better childhood then they had, which is like me! Sure, for some ponies this can somehow be 'stimulating' and 'sexual' (which he notices many of the topics say) whatever the hay that means. From everything I've just read, this could only mean one thing, I'm not alone!" Spike was inwardly cheering at both his success at finding his elusive answers and the fact that from what he read, he was not insane.
His silent cheering came to a sudden halt at an unmistakable detail he remembered reading. "The longer I try to repress this urge, the worse it will become. Eventually I will have no choice but to act on this desire or I could end up making the situation MUCH worse. If lashing out somehow miraculously doesn't make somepony worried then what will happen if I lose all reason to think rationally and I end up unintentionally indulging in my desire where others end up easily finding out?"
His stands up and paces around the room, planning while putting the books he pulled out back where they belong, except for "Quirks and Kinks of all Kinds". If he is correct, then Twilight may SOMEHOW not know about this books existence and he intends to keep it that way. "This means that I'll need to get some diapers as soon as possible. Since all the girls are gone, today would be the best opportunity. I don't know when I'll get another chance to get diapers without any pony I know noticing, especially ponies close to me. Also, if I get a strong urge to wear a diaper and I don't have one, I could end up making rasher decisions then an angry Rainbow Dash."
"I don't have any other options unless I decide to wait longer and that's not happening. I guess it's settled then. I'm going out to buy some diapers today."
" "Ugghhhh, another waist of bucking time!" " Should be waste, not waist.
8755204
Nice catch there!
I'll fix that right away!
Extremely well written and strongly relatable. So many of us have 'Quirks & Kinks' that we feel totally alone in having. Feeling alone makes you feel like a freak, isolated, terrible, and a whole bunch of self-destructive emotions. Then, as you did well, you brought the inner-conflict to keep Spike from having sleep as, in my experiences, wanting to partake in such taboo activities often escalates under moments of high anxiety and/or frustration.
A lot of us wish we could find a book, or something, to help explain the feelings / desires we are having. I'm glad you provided Spike a book as it is often really hard to find someone else to relate with. This would make the story you are writing more difficult as getting someone in Spike's position able to find someone who feels like Spike does very tricky. Being able to find something to validate a feeling that seems oddly exclusive to you definitely is a great thing.
I've tried to find resources on diaper fetishes but often don't find anything beyond people being studied who just go with "It's our thing.". This is not satisfying and why I've done a lot of my own research in the MLP and Furry communities on this. Even my therapists don't have much better background on the matter as it is so poorly understood beyond the 'pride' element.
The above in mind, I like how you had the book explain on how restraining the desire could only lead to worse outcomes. I know this all-too-well from personal experience as the more I fought it the worse I felt about myself. You can't just 'will it away'. You have to learn how to 'control' it so it doesn't consume your life. This pretty much goes with any quirk. However knowing how to safely participate in a desire where it doesn't negatively impact you and/or others is very important. Plus, to be even more honest, the sooner you understand it, in my opinion, the less likely you are to associate such a desire with 'stimulation'.
Those I have talked with mention always having a liking to diapers and diapered cartoons. However they don't start getting the 'fetish' until puberty kicks in. I believe the fetish is a result of the mind taking something that makes them feel 'safe' / 'comfortable' and misdirecting it towards one's sex drive. I believe, if it were at all possible, keeping the sexual element out could be done by helping the mind understand the difference before it unknowingly makes that sort of connection.
You provide a lot of food-for-thought in this story. I'd recommend it highly for a younger reader who may struggle with these feelings. It's really the first story that explores the topic Pre-Fetish. It's also good for those of us who want to figure out the 'why am I this way?'. It's terrible struggling with a taboo interest alone. The longer you are alone in it the worse you feel. It hurts even more when you realize it is something you can never 100% make go away. It can be managed but the sooner in life you know how to properly manage it, the better.
8756009
Thank you for the compliment!
I really did want this chapter (like my others) to be at the very least, decent. I felt this chapter was my most well written chapter so far.
It really is a shame that there are some things that people enjoy that is considered "unacceptable". It's also sad that there are some things that are widely known and yet, we hardly actually "know" anything about those topics.
I had actually gotten so desperate that I told my mom that I like diapers. Obviously she didn't approve and I went to a therapist... for like 3 weeks.
I've never really thought about this story being helpful to those who may struggle with their feelings, whether they be young or just uncertain about such a subject.
After looking through the story again I realized that you are correct. I suppose those with a diaper "fetish" or attraction could learn something from this.
I personally have always wanted to be a psychologist/therapist for something like this but I don't necessarily want to be payed from that job, if I did get payed then that'd be more of a bonus. I just like being helpful.
Anyways, enough rambling from me.
If there are any pre-fetish or uncertain people that COULD be reading this story or comment at this very moment, know that you are not alone in anything unless you chose to try and ignore your feelings. Reach out and find others who support or enjoy your quirk and I can assure you, you will feel MUCH better.
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
It's interesting how having a liking to wear a diaper tends to result in the immediate result of "You need professional help". I didn't go to therapy for diapers. I went, and still go, to cope with being blind. However I figured it was worth talking about in my sessions.
I had multiple therapists as a result of, all but my most recent, moving to different practices. However having multiple allowed me to get a common response about the diapers. This being how "If it doesn't hurt you, or anyone else, don't worry about it." along with "If you must partake in it, do so where it would not be a bother to anyone else.". I never once got told I had scary problems with myself. They also never told me I needed to purge it as they all noted on how it was a part of me that had to be worked with. Emphasis on 'worked with' and not 'removed'. Trying to remove is very unlikely as, for most who have an affinity for diapers, it has been a part of you for a long time. Mental aspects that deep are just a part of you and can be managed through proper behavior along with proper outlets, like what you're doing with this story.
I've also done a lot of writing to try and make sense of it all. I've gone through various phases based on what inputs I could get beyond the whole 'Pride' aspect. This brought me to where your story goes. This being a broken childhood, particularly one that causes you to 'grow up' too quickly, makes your mind unknowingly wish to revert back to when the pain of having lost your youth occurred. We may not remember wearing diapers but a part of our minds does. Then you have media that illustrates how being that little is associated with almost unconditional love with no stress. The wearing of the diaper really just helps the mind to fulfill this image even if no other activities happen. The diaper allows you to feel safe, wanted, loved, and, without even using it, the chance to further turn off all your psychological guards to free yourself of pain you have experienced, experiencing, or feel you may continue to experience.
What's even more interesting to think on is the accepted association of drugs and alcohol with the similar psychological response a diaper may give someone. Beer, liquor, etc. are seen to 'numb the mind' and 'help you forget' pain. So are cigarettes, marijuana, and other drugs. However, unlike diapers, you don't hear about someone hurting someone else, getting in a car wreck, or ruining their lives as a result of wanting to wear a diaper. (This point I actually did find in a Psychological journal where it noted for parents to not be so difficult on their kids if they had a diaper fetish as it is better than resorting to drugs and alcohol)
Honestly, it's stories, like yours, that humanize the struggle the best. Broken Childhood + Stress = Diapers. It's finding a way to understand this relationship that so many people out there need. They need to know how to partake in it 'safely'. The more you try to deny it the stronger the urges become and more fetish-like they'll become. Helping the mind to find peace wherein the diaper becomes less of a go to is optimal. This is why writing helps as it can get that desire out without physically needing the garment to 'feel' the soothing sensation on the mind. Talking about it does the same, too. We all have special ways we can help in even the slightest ways. I truly feel what you are writing here is helpful to a group of folks who never understood why they ended up with a diaper fetish. Getting to know is the first step in gaining control along with a better understanding of who you are and why you are. This can start the healing process that so many of us in this particular situation need.
As you do future work, I know you will find other ways to help relate with others those topics that need to be better understood beyond "Just being there.". One does not need to be a certified therapist to help. You need only find a way to get someone to say, "I think I can relate" to begin a positive path to personal well-being. :) Thus is the power of the arts.
I'm truly glad you, as others in the MLP fandom do, are here to help others.
8758153
Thank you for sharing. I sincerely think what your saying makes absolute sense.
I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to make future stories that will be as relatable as this one but I will certainly try. I really just like doing this more for fun.
Also, thanks for the kind words at the end. I really appreciate it!
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
Spike's situation here is relatable on a number of levels -- he's frustrated, tired, not thinking straight, and turning to outside sources of information in hopes of finding answers to why he keeps having these repeating thoughts. In this case books, in a number of our cases (I'm pretty sure) the Internet. He's also clinging to an idea which resonates with him, because... if you read something you can relate to deep down inside, it's hard to shake that idea. It's also very comforting to find something like that. This includes any number of interests or ideas.
His situation isn't going to be relatable to everyone that's ABDL, though, and you make it clear he's not a perfect textbook example... nobody is. You're not hitting the audience over the head with this information, though; you're just showing Spike relating a great deal to what he's found in a book.
Anywho, you've build a situation which is going to be relatable to a number of people. That is pretty kewl.
The chapter's mostly written in the past-tense, shifting to the present-tense towards the end. It's only jarring bit.
All in all, quite memorable and quite fun.
8800192
I'm glad you liked this chapter. I really wanted to make this as realistic as possible both connecting to the show and IRL.
Aw, I just got this adorable mental image of Spike and Twilight playing a game of chess.