Should I just blurt out with the truth regarding my tragic situation? There's bound to be some way I can convince my fellow quadrupeds I'm not the most evil child since that possessed kid who spewed pea soup everywhere in The Exorcist. Nah, they'd probably just think I was insane, and I'd end up in behind bars in the nut house instead of Tartarus.
Hang on... does Ponyville even have a mental institution? And if it does, chances are it's better than being stuck in a cage next to a crusty old centaur. Maybe I have nothing to lose... but everything to gain... it's a real Catch-22 situation right here...
Alas, my cliche-ridden soliloquy was interrupted by cold, hard reality, as I felt a warmly smiling Starlight guide me over to a nearby chair. Considering the wicked soul that inhabited this body before me nearly reduced her to a magic-less husk, she was being far more cordial to Cozy Glow that I would've been.
I shan't go into great detail about how I would've taken sweet, sweet revenge, but here's a sneak peek. It involves chloroform, a reclining chair, a length of rope and lots of sharp, rusty dental implements. You do the math.
"Take your time, Cozy. I understand how all this must be a bit overwhelming, after everything you've already gone through." Starlight continued her friendly tone of voice, and she was absolutely right. Just not quite in the way she intended. "But I really think, if you try and open up a bit, and let us know what's been troubling you, we can make great strides to help you find the right path again. You may not believe me, but a few short years ago I was very much like you are now. Bitter against the world, desperate to shape it as I saw fit, no matter what the cost..."
"...Yeah, yeah. I know all this already. You were abandoned by your bestie Sunburst as a filly, but rather than try to make new friends, you decided to brainwash and enslave an entire village into discarding their Cutie Marks. Makes perfect sense to me... not. Then, after Twilight and co wrecked your alleged paradise, you stalked them for the rest of the season, before getting involved in some goofy time travel hi-jinx that nearly ended in the extinction of all known life. Long story short: you gave up your radical equalist views, changed your hairdo and became a certain alicorn's very own prize pupil. Whoopee for you, but you're not the one whose girlfriend is right now on a date with that mad filly Cozy Glow... oops." So fed up was I at being pandered in such an infantile way, my stream of consciousness went unfiltered from my mouth, until I realised maybe I'd said a bit too much.
This nagging suspicion was somewhat confirmed by Starlight's aghast, ashen face pulling away from mine, whilst my pretend parents just looked very confused. "H-How did you... o-only me and my closest confidantes know... w-when did you find out..."
I have to give credit to the mollified unicorn at this juncture. As soon as her crestfallen expression appeared, it vanished in the blink of an eye. Obviously, keeping a scintilla of professionalism at all times was very important to her, as much as she probably wanted to smack this cheeky upstart right now around the chops. Hey Star, when I return to my old 'handsome' self, d'ya mind if I join you?
"Of course. You had the entire run of the School Of Friendship for at least twenty-four hours, before we took back control. Who knows what else you could've got up to in that time..." Starlight muttered, half to herself. What, you mean like stealing a dimension-hopping device and body-swapping potion from the supply closet? Never! "Everything I went through in life was carefully documented in my personal journal, which I wrote as per Twilight's request as part of coming to terms with my turbulent past. To find out it's location though, read it without permission and reveal it's contents in front of your parents so brazenly though... that just proves one thing to me..."
Oh, great. I really screwed the pooch this time (sorry, Winona). Now I've probably lost the one influential ally I could feasibly say I had in this crazy world. In fact, now she thinks I perused her private diary. she'll no doubt recommend I stay locked up for an extra long stretch. By the time I'm released, even if I do manage to get back to Earth, everyone I know will be dead and the planet will be taken over by a freckled hoofbag... who everyone will think is me. So I'll be hated in the wonderful world of Equestria, and in my own universe too. Ain't life grand?
"... It means you need even more love and support than I thought before you came in!" Out of all the many variations of 'I hate u, u suck, go kill urself' I was expecting to emerge from Starlight's lips, this unprecedented display of magnanimity wasn't anywhere among them. "The fact you went to all that trouble, along with all your other convoluted schemes over the last few months, proves to me that you're desperately searching for validation, but are looking in all the wrong places. It's up to me to help you discover what your true purpose is, no matter how long it takes. To start with, I think we should have thrice weekly therapy sessions, then maybe it that goes well, we can begin more intensive attempts at rehabilitation..."
"...Come again?" I knew that Starlight was doing her best under very trying circumstances, bless her cotton socks. But it all sounded like incoherent psychobabble to me, and if this was some kind of well-meaning penance for failing to convert Chrysalis onto the side of all things cute and fluffy, then it was doomed to failure.
For one thing, judging by the disturbingly warped face Cozy Glow pulled at the end of School Raze, I have my reservations as to whether she could be reformed at all, despite her relatively tender years. And another reason, this one slightly more pertinent: she's lecturing a twenty-something bloke whose worse crime is forging sick notes to get out of gym practice, which isn't quite on the same level as magical genocide.
Unless your moral compass is extremely askew.
"Hang on Ms Starlight, I'm somewhat confused..." after hearing so much nonsensical drivel being spouted over the last few minutes, it was a genuine surprise that Cozy Nook hadn't jumped in earlier. "What was all that about enslaving villages and dystopian time-travel? Also, which 'season' did you follow other ponies around in? That seems quite an odd thing to say, even for my darling Cozy."
"...Not to mention our precious calling herself mad, speaking of herself in the third pony and having a 'girlfriend'." Sky Glow pointed out a few other peculiarities with my speech, before hastily clarifying his words. "I-I mean, I'm as open minded as the next stallion, and I'd love my daughter whatever her sexuality. But isn't nine years old a little too young to be thinking of dating, whatever the gender?"
"Please, settle down." Starlight waved away the pegasi's frantic questions, before things got totally out of control. "Like your daughter, there are some earlier parts of my life where I wasn't exactly a model citizen, but unlike her escapades they're not exactly very well-documented. I would ask you to keep the details of those incidents from a wider audience for now, and in return I promise to explain more why at a later date. All I'll say for now, is that I use them as a strong incentive to make sure that no other colt or filly makes the same mistakes, so rest assured Cozy Glow will get the very best counselling from somepony who's walked in her horseshoes. As for name-checking herself, well you ought to meet my close companion Trixie who does it all the time. It can sound a bit weird at first, but it's a perfectly natural way of expressing oneself, I-I think. Anyway, shall we 'crack on', as it were?"
There then began around an hour of some of the most intrusive grilling you're ever likely to hear from outside a police interview room. With Starlight taking the lead, I was asked repeatedly about my foalhood, my emotional state, my motives for doing what I did... and through it all, I kept my answers as short and sweet as possible, nodding my head at all the relevant parts and using a few speculative head-canons of the show I'd seen online to 'fill in the blanks'.
All things considered, I think it went rather well. I didn't faint, I didn't curse and at no point was I even tempted to run off screaming that I was an unfortunate victim of a new kind of equine identity theft.
...Well, maybe later. Let's see how this all pans out first.
.........................................
And so it was as I was led back to my 'luxury accommodation' afterwards, feeling tired, fed-up and with a very sore midriff where Mummy Dearest had taken it upon herself to squeeze me like a stubborn bottle of ketchup before she was forced to leave.
It took the combined strength of Starlight's powerful magic and Sky Glow's wings flapping at full pelt to remove her from my puny frame, and it was with some reluctance I left her behind sobbing as I was bundled away by the guards.
So what if we're not actually related? I hate to see anyone crying hysterically like that, pony or otherwise. Shoot me. But wait 'til I've returned to my original self, if you please.
In other words, the very last thing I needed right now was some chuckling half-breed in the cell opposite to mine making cryptic comments aimed at yours truly. "So, I hope it went well in there, 'Cozy Glow'. I trust they believed your completely unfabricated story?"
"What's it to you, mush?" I snapped, wondering when my daily gruel was due to arrive. Despite its unappetising sound, at that point I was so hungry I could've eaten a hors... actually, scratch that idea.
"Oh nothing, I was just wondering if those fools had figured out the truth about your real self by now. Fancy being abducted suddenly from your dimension like that, and ending up in the body of a feeble filly. You poor thing..." Tirek continued to eye me mirthfully, a sadistic gleam reflecting from his wrinkled eyes.
It was then I stopped worrying about din-dins and spun around anxiously to face the smug hybrid head on. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about, you crazy old geezer. It's a-me, Cozy Glow. Evil plot hatcher and curly-hair stylist extraordinaire. I don't know who you think I am, but maybe it's about time to get those cataracts looked at."
If it'll been my intention to intimidate Tirek in any way, shape or form, then my pathetic posturing would appear to have backfired spectacularly. He regarded me with an unimpressed glower, before matter-of-factly saying. "I suppose, if I didn't have cast-iron proof, your current switch in personality and tone could be put down to the after-effects of concussion. But as it is, it's just the final piece of a puzzle that's now been completed. Now, I have just one thing to tell you..."
Oh no. It really is fill-your-trousers time now, isn't it? If I was wearing any, that is. Out of all the creatures of Equestria who could've come round to believing me, why did it have to be this guy? And what is he going to do with this priceless knowledge? I braced myself for what he was about to say next...
"Hello. My name is Tirek, but you may call me 'Lord Tirek'. 'The Rightful Ruler Of This Wretched World' works for me, too. And who, if you'll pardon the question, might you be?"
9340491
Right now.
9342043
Hopefully, your patience paid off.
9311185
I wonder...
9297392
Well, here's another one. Enjoy!
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EDIT: FEATURED: 11/9/18-11/12/18, 12/15/18
Welcome back!
Yaaaaay a new chapter!
This is cool and funny I will enjoy reading this.
I love this story. It remind me of Who is this Lord Tirek you speak of, and that's a wonderful thing.
Ha! yes. A buddy comedy with Tirek; I'm feeling it
This was nice tho I liked the ketchup analogy
9349931
Thank you, though I never really left. I've just been a bit lazy when updating my stories, that's all. Hopefully, with more time to myself now, that's set to change...
9349991
Indeed.
9350001
That's the intention of every author. Glad it appears to be working, so far.
9350023
Hmm, I might have to check that one out then, for I too am partial to this kind of humour on occasion...
9350041
I think 'buddy' might be putting it a bit too strongly...
9350056
Cheers. I love a good analogy too.
It would be interesting if you had it that was no way she would of gotten the book.
9350067
'Buddy', 'blackmailer', 'prison mate' -- all the same thing in then end, yea
Woohoo! Nice chapter, though I feel that chat about his foal hood should've gone a bit more sour.
Can't wait for the next one man!
9350137
By not saying very much in the session, I think he hoped that he wouldn't put his foo... sorry, 'hoof' in it yet again. Remember too, that this fic is purely from his own perception. It might've gone 'wrong', he just didn't notice it...
9350117
I see your point. In most 'buddy' movies, the protagonists often start out at each others throats, as it certainly the case here.
I loved that turnaround, it broadens possibilities.
askew.
Again, two VERY different things.
Hopefully "Cozy Glow" lives long enough as a villain to see herself become a hero.
maybe new cozy should try mentioning humans?
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The appropriate edits have now been made. Thank you for your contribution to proper maintenance of the spellchecker programs.
9350264
I thought it might add a bit of 'colour' to proceedings.
9350641
I just thought of this but wouldn't of tirek seen cozy glow take the guys body
9350877
If you look back at the chapter whenour 'hero' appears, Mr Tirek was napping at the time... so he must have some other reason to reach the conclusion he did.
9350931
Unless tired is a super heavy sleeper (which wouldn't make sense seeing as our victim woke him up) he would of heard or seen something
9350944
Well, wait and see is my response to that.
9350954
Fair enough
Just realized I've been reading the title as "My Life As A Psychotic Nine Year Old Filly" instead of psychopathic. I don't know why I do this so often.
9350954
of course he (Tirek) could have been faking being asleep.
Agreed, literally killing all life on the planet is the same as " I wasn't exactly a model citizen." my headcanon is that twilight agreed not to tell anyone what really happened becouse in an actual court she would be put to death and twilight couldn't bear to be responsible for the execution.
9350143
so there will travel together they just won't like it vary much.
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starlight might have mentioned the mirror portal in her journal so it might not help.
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or the portal could be soundproof, I mean the mirror portal doesn't let sound through so her sticking her head through could block out any sound on the other end.
BLESS HER COTTON SOCKS
*WHEEZE*
Wait, they actually listened to what he said? Perhaps there's hope for these ponies after all, as stupid as they all are.
The only intelligent creature on this planet is the bad guy. JFC.
Well, I was expecting that that Starlight would have a plausible reason of why Cozy would know so much about her, but it had to be tired if only to try for a quick resolution before it is dashed away, still just asking Starlight about the missing magic artifacts would at least help to listen to him or trying to investigate any sign in the her cell of temporal magic or anything. I am sure he will just dig his case even further for if he teams up Tirek will make things better for him and he will eventually turn on him the first chance he gets.
More?
More chapters please.
A thought just came to me what if he turned cozies life around and became a loving wife and mother that would show her
9370133
Does he really seem like the kind of guy who would want to make her life better for any reason?
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Well it wouldn't say it would make her life better considering cozy glows plans but I imagine that having a foal would put a dent in her plans for world domination
9371037
Except for the fact that she could just put it up for adoption if she wanted to.
9371076
We don't know how the equestria adoption law works so it could be she can't
9371110
Let’s assume she can. Then what?
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She still has a husband who might not sign divorce papers
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Technically she could still leave without getting a divorce.
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Fair enough I suppose
Yayyyyyyyyyy
I guess the theme of this chapter is irony.
This guy's being infuriatingly dumb and I have no idea if that's the intention or not. He's going out of his way to pretty much ruin any chance he has at convincing everyone, and I can't figure out how it's supposed to make me feel seeing as I can't tell if this is an over-the-top comedy or something more serious.
9444214
People make stupid decisions, and this guy is no different to most, especially in a surreal fish-out-of-water scenario. I don't think he's being THAT dumb, personally.
Besides, like a lot of slasher victims, if he made a lot of 'correct' choices, this would be a very short fic indeed. And I'd like it to last a bit longer than that.
9444222
In other words, the main character's an idiot. Lol, I can get behind that; Idiot characters are the most fun! Both to write, and read.
Since they let Pinkie run free, I'd say "Obviously not"
I hope someone calls out the hypocrisy of Starlight doesn't going behind the bars despite doing far worse things then a 10 years old child.
Wouldn't it be much easier to get Starlight on his side. All he really needs to tell her she wants to reform. What Twilight going to do that Starlight can't?
There you go. Tirek is too hasty, not stupid. Let's hope Starlight takes the hints.