Sunset’s Guardian Angel

by Jakub the Reshiram

EQG Chapter 1: The Beginning

“Where am I?” Twilight says as she wakes up on a platform with nothing but black surrounding her and the platform she was laying on.

“Is this the same dream I’ve been having ever since I became an alicorn?” she asks herself. True Twilight has been having weird dreams of a creature she never seen before fighting different creatures every single dream she had. Monsters, creatures the person she had dreams of calling them Demons, machines and more.

The last dream she had was of the same creature she dreamed of, fighting two different kinds of creatures, the black ones with a black heart crossed with red chains he called them the Heartless while the white ones he called Nobodies.

After a few minutes of thoughts a door appears in front of Twilight.
“Wonder where this will go to” Twilight said, as she goes to the door, opens it and enters it, she doesn’t know that someone was watching her.

“So this is your sister, I guess what I seen through your memories was true, but still she’ll get lost in this dive to heart if she keeps going through the memory doors’ the Figure says to himself as he walks to where the door is and enters it.

---

“You shouldn’t be here” said the figure as he finally catches up to Twilight, “you’ll get lost within the memory lane if you keep going forward plus there’s things that you shouldn’t see since they might scare you.”

Twilight spins around to see who was talking to her, she slowly turns around to face the figure.

“Aaaaahhhhhhhh” screams Twilight as she sees the figure but stops since the figure puts his hand on her mouth.

“Don’t scream, I just wanted to talk to you, but not here somewhere more calm” the figure says as he takes his hand of Twilight’s mouth.

Twilight doesn’t have enough time to calculate what just happened since the scene changed to a clock tower during a sunset.

“This brings back memories “ the figure says as he sits down on a ledge and looks at the sunset. He points to the space beside so Twilight could sit down right next to him.

Twilight nods as she realises what the figure wants to tell her.

“Who are you and where are we?” Twilight asks as she sits beside the Figure.

“The answer to the first question I’ll tell you before it happens, but as for the second question I can” the figure says before looking back at the sunset, “Twilight Sparkle, welcome to Twilight Town”

“Twilight Town?” She asks the figure.

“I know what you’re going to say, no we’re not in Equestria, we’re in another world,” the Figure says before continuing, “Though people who come from other world have to keep the world order which has been broken a few times already by my somebody and his friends.”

“What do you mean Somebody?” Twilight asks, she was curious about what the Figure just said.

“I’m what you call a Nobody, a shell of a person without a heart” he says as he pulls out an ice cream, “Do you want some Ice cream?”

“No, I’m good” Twilight says as she looks at the Figure eat the ice cream.

“That black crown necklace your wearing is special, keep it safe for him when the time comes when he needs to use it” the Figure says as he summons a door, “you need to wake up soon, something that can’t be changed is about to happen and don’t worry about what happens after that, it’s part of a plan to make someone come out of hiding.”

Twilight doesn’t have time to respond as she’s being pulled into the door by some sort of force.

---

Twilight wakes up just in time to see someone take her crown. And boy she doesn’t know what will happen after this small but crucial event.

---

As Sunset returns from Equestria she notices that the crown/element of harmony is missing.

“I go out of my way to get this stupid element for you Mister Guardian Angel, but now it’s missing!!!” Sunset shouts not knowing that the Angel was close by.

“The crown was taken by the human Fluttershy, which in turn was handed to principal Celestia, but do not worry, it's all part of the plan” the Angel says, “now go, someone’s coming.” He looks at Sunset who immediately runs into the school.

The Angel checks if anyone is around and sees that no one is close by, he places his hands onto the mask and takes it off, revealing his true identity, Jakub Sparkle Dash.

“Three days before the portal closes for the next fifteen moons, I just hope this plan of mine works and Vanitas takes the bait” Jakub says as he takes of the attire of the Guardian Angel and puts it in his spare bag.

---

Meanwhile back in Equestria Twilight learns about Sunset and about the other person who travelled to the other side of the mirror, not only did she learn that this pony can help her on the other side but he can in her mind help her retrieve the crown.

Princess Celestia shown her the pony’s cutie mark but she also mentioned that cutie marks on the other side appear on clothes.

Twilight fully understood that this had to be done alone.
Just after Twilight goes through the portal Spike runs after her just as everyone shouts “Spike!!!”

---

The experience going through the portal was dizzy for both Spike and Twilight.

Both of them arrive at the same time on the other side of the portal and thankfully Spike was somehow not knocked out from the dizziness.

“Note to self, never run through any magical portals or they’ll make you dizzy,” Spike said to himself as he gets up from the ground noticing that he has something similar to his claws but more softer.

Not far from the portal Jakub was looking at the two who appeared from Equestria.

“I thought this worlds Spike would turn into a dog like the others did?” Jakub asks Rose who was with him.

“I realise that, but some worlds are different in different ways like that one version of both the pony Equestria and the human Equestria where everyone was the opposite gender,” Rose said with a smug look.

“Please don’t remind me of that world,” Jakub said while shivering, remember that world and the experience he had.

“There was the good side of that visit, which allowed you to change gender at will,” Rose said.

“Note to self: never talk about other world that has people you’ve met but with the opposite gender,” Jakub reminds himself.

Looking at both Spike and Twilight, Jakub notices that Flood Unversed are going after both Spike and Twilight.

“Damnit!” Jakub shouts as the Unversed reveal themselves and prepare to attack both Twilight and Spike, “I hate grappling onto friends or family.” With that Jakub summons the Swords of the Wanderer and throws one of the two daggers at the statue and warping right were the Dagger was sticking.

Spike looks to whom just appeared right above him and Twilight but before he can clearly see who this person is, a Bruiser tries to hit him with its fists.

He quickly closes his eyes as the Bruiser starts charging at him and Twilight.

“DEFENCE!!!” The person who appeared above them shouts as he jumps from his position and right onto the pavement in front of Spike and Twilight with two daggers hovering with bolts of electricity beside him while two more swords appear out of thin air in his “claws” and instantly the person cast a spell to protect them.

“How about you take someone your own size, can’t you Unversed know the difference between a welder and a none welder” the person says as he puts his blades that appeared in his hands onto his back and snaps his fingers shoutings, “DIE IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL” while the two daggers start to stab into each of the unversed multiple times and leaving a trail of Lightning behind them with each strike.

After 10 seconds the person grabs the blades from his back and points them to the sky and shouts “THUNDAZA!!” As huge bolts of Thunder rain down onto the Unversed that were linked with the trail of lightning.

Twilight during all of this was knocked out, thanks to her dizziness, Spike on their other hand was not only shocked but in disbelief, how could someone in this world be able to use magic let alone such powerful magic.

The person looks at spike, grabs his arm and puts him onto the statue.

“I can’t believe how big you are Spike” the person says with a smile on his face.

“Do I know you?” Spike asks, “how do you know my name?”

“I guess you can say that we’re family but not really since Mom and Dad and Twilight don’t remember me while Shining and Cadence know about me they promised me they won’t talk about me while I’m here, hehe” the person says as he’s getting a bit nervous with a smile on his face, “would you look at the time, I’ve got run Little B, please don’t say anything to Twily she won't remember me.”

“What happened where am I” Twilight says surprising Spike as he gets from the statue and kneels down to face Twilight.

“Well we’re definitely on the other side of the mirror and definitely in new bodies” Spike says as he chuckles since Twilight finally sees that her body is different and her hooves are gone.

“I’m guessing something happened? Since the grass is blackened and I feel like I’ve been shocked” Twilight asks.

“You have no idea what just happened, but we'd better get into that building since I have a small grudge that the element is within the building” Spike says as he starts walking towards the building.

Twilight being Twilight decides to walk on all fours to the building until Spike gives her a small cough and points to himself walk on his two legs.

“This’ll be a long visit here,” Twilight says to herself quietly.

Comments

[Mystic Sunrise]

9880809
I think it's a lost cause at this point. People have been saying what you have since chapter 1, and nothing's really changed.

[Hclegend]

Comment genocide.

Random dislikes on perfectly civil comments.

Annnnnd from skimming through the first two chapters, a self-insert, several other OCs and a Keyblade. (Granted this is apparently a KH crossover.)

I have nothing to add, because I don't have the time or alcohol to properly tear down this clear power fantasy. Nothing wrong with that mind you. Just don't pretend you're writing high art and people critiquing your work are somehow all wrong and that you're just a misunderstood author. Just from the titles of your chapters alone, it's clear you need a proofreader/editor at the very least.

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10077827
10076357
I've been watching this thing unfold from the beginning, never actually getting involved, but I can't just stand by and watch this happen anymore. Time and time again this guy has been given constructive criticism, if a bit strongly worded, but nothing has changed. Morion87 is right on the money, nothing's changed despite all the people chipping in to give advice. It's turned into Amy's Baking Company, more or less, and the only kind of comments that aren't downvoted for no reason or deleted are ones that don't find any fault with the story, whether it's deserved or not. And Hclegend, I would gladly supply the alcohol you need to analyze this story.

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10077827
I’m not the one disliking the civil comments, probably someone from my followers are doing it since the dislikes also appear on a few comments on a few of my blogs.

Also as for the proofreader/editor, I tried to get one but sadly no one responded to the post on Looking for Editors.

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10082437
For your knowledge I’m not the one downvoting comments, here’s proofmedia.discordapp.net/attachments/656051735420338189/677424617228337162/image0.png
media.discordapp.net/attachments/656051735420338189/677424617652092948/image1.png

[Lofty Withers]

10082598
My offer still stands to be your editor of last resort. Can't find anyone else? I'll do it. You just need to put up with me and my schedule.

10082601
You don't need to defend yourself. I recommend ignoring comments like that one. I recognize the steps you've made to improve. It's not fast enough to make everyone happy, but you're not responsible for their happiness. Focus on what you need to do and keep writing.

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10082618
Lofty I know that but I can't always have you editing my work, I know you're trying to help but I don't want to be a problem for you.

[Subsistence]

9996367

10076357

10077827

10082437

u guys r all nuts. this is one of the best stories on this site. its done well and the charcter is developed well. i think u all need to sit down and look at it longer.

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10082618
Okay, let's discuss this like civilized people, shall we? First off, I would like to know what changes or 'steps' Jakub has made to improve, because I am honestly having a hard time seeing it. Second, telling him to ignore comments like mine are only detrimental to the author in the long term. It's a perfectly valid thing I had to say, because of all the deleted and downvoted comments from before. I understand not giving haters attention, but ignoring any comment that isn't praise is just going to hurt everyone in the long run.

[Lofty Withers]

10082745
To be clear, I mean that responding to speculation about who is downvoting comments or why is pointless. Anyone can vote a comment for any reason. It's meaningless.

You say "this guy has been given constructive criticism...but nothing has changed." That's just wrong. I have provided constructive feedback. He's changed things in response. Simple as that. I'm not the only one. A quicker rate of improvement would be nice, but I'll take what I can get.

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10082778
I'll grant that debating upvotes and downvotes is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. But deleting comments which I know contained valid criticism is just not good form. But you didn't answer my question. Exactly what 'steps' has he taken to improve? The story still reads awkwardly and the plot seems to be nonexistent. Do share, I'm genuinely curious. It's not that nothing has changed, I'll give you that. Things have changed. What I'm asking is what has changed to make it a better story?

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10082876

10082778
Can you two debate this somewhere else.

[Subsistence]

10082876

10082778
I realy dont see what the problem is theres nothing that needs to change. This Story is such a masterpeice on its own its Haters that are bringing it down. Its so complex and welldriven and theres so many amazing small detail to it.

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10082891
Sure. But before Lofty Withers and I take the discussion someplace else, I thought I would try to get an answer from the author himself. What is this story about, that is to say, what is the plot? I've read through what you have so far and I can't seem to pinpoint just what the plot is. Nine chapters in and there doesn't seem to be an adventure in this story that's tagged Adventure, only a series of mostly unconnected events. The description doesn't do too good a job in telling me what the plot is either, which is what the description is meant to be for. So I would be much obliged if you could give me a summary of what the story is supposed to be about. PM it to me if you don't want to spoil it for the other readers. Thanks.

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10083720
Why should I spoil the plot, I’ve been keeping it a secret.

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10083909
Well, yes. Don't spoil the plot here, that's why I said to send me the plot in a private message. Because nine chapters in and whatever plot you have is either nonexistent or so vague that it's difficult to grasp for the average reader. If you're saying that you don't want anyone to know the plot, period, then I suggest you take a look at the feature box on the front page of this very site. Every story there has a plot summary and synopsis, even if some of them are short. Your description lacks most any narrative value other than to introduce the main character, which should be done inside the story itself. Readers need to know what they're getting into before they want to read any story. If a person went to a bookstore and saw a book whose back cover simply said "the plot is a secret", then would they want to read the book without any clue of what it's about? Readers, especially those who read online texts like what FimFiction.net holds, have very short attention spans. There needs to be some indication of what the plot will be, my friend, or else you'll get nowhere fast. Unless there is no plot and it's just a string of vaguely connected events? In which case I would say an overhaul or redo is in order.

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10084022
Have you ever seen or heard of the Kingdom Hearts Plot?

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10084030
I'm familiar with the franchise, yes. What does this have to do with your story's plot?

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10084036
Well so you do know the franchise, Mind you call me crazy but the plot of the story is as crazy as the plot of the whole Kingdom hearts Series (no multiple Soras)

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10084071
All right. I accept that your plot may be complicated like the games' are. But even Kingdom Hearts games have a plot summary and synopsis on their game boxes and in their manuals that tell the player what they are getting into as well as a summary of the plot. Don't you think you should at least do the same, if you want to represent the franchise well? As opposed to what you have right now?

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10084081
Well I get the feeling you want this story deleted

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10084274
Whatever gave you that idea? I'm just giving out some good, general advice that I would give any struggling author on this site. As someone who likes the Kingdom Hearts franchise, I want a story about it to succeed, so do us all a favor and stop dodging the question. What is the plot of this story? Give the readers a synopsis, a summary, a reason to read the story beyond just having it be a crossover with Kingdom Hearts.

[Lofty Withers]

10084022
Your advice is a bit off. I'll PM you to discuss.

[Jakub the Reshiram]

10084570
I rather not tell you.

1: Your so called Advice are bringing back bad memories for me of someone who tried to make me into a laughing stock.

2: If your a kingdom hearts fan then write you own fic if that’s what you’re trying to ask me to do, your not the boss of me.

3: I rather write this story my way, no one else’s.

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

10084683
Hold on there, friend, there's no need to get so defensive about things. How in the world was I supposed to know that giving some good, general advice would bring back these so-called 'bad memories'? There's no way anyone could have known that, since you've probably deleted their comments off this story. As for writing my own story, maybe I would like to, but not everyone here has the luxury of time to do so. Some of us just want to read a good story after a long day's work, and don't have the time to write one of their own. As for writing your story your own way, of course you're free to do that. But I'm just saying, your story could be doing a lot better with a few of the touch-ups that I'm suggesting.

[Jaxxon Markus Citadel]

Well, look at that. You finally changed the description so that it tells the readers what to expect. That's a good start. Now you can begin straightening out the contents of the story. It is an obvious self insert power fantasy, but to quote Hclegend,

Nothing wrong with that mind you. Just don't pretend you're writing high art and people critiquing your work are somehow all wrong and that you're just a misunderstood author.

Anyway, good to see not all of my advice has fallen through the cracks. Maybe this is the start of being more accepting of criticism? I hope so. Cheers.

[Subsistence]

10085271
Your just a hater who wants to see the story do badly. If you wat the Story to change so badly why don't you write Your own Story, like Jakub says. he doesn't need to change Anything. Why don't you go pick on aonther story that is, this Story is already the best on FimFIction. Theres nothing better. Don't listen to these haters Jakub, write and Plan as your done.

[My Little Epona]

10085307
Woah. Calm down.

[Mystic Sunrise]

10091447
Ignore them. They're one of those people who bend over and kiss the author's rear and refuse to see even the smallest mistake, even when it's painfully obvious.

Or refuse to see anything an author writes as less than the greatest thing in the history of everything.

[Subsistence]

10127982
I see it now, Jakub has also told me his not the best, so I take his word for it. I’m not kissing anyone’s rear but it really is one of the better stories Written whether the writing is good or not in terms of story line.

[Subsistence]

People removed their votes on the story? The numbers went down.