A story of two different races that are going through particularly tough times. A Unicorn stallion that can't use their magic at all, and a Bat pony mare that has just been through a rollercoaster of a relationship with her stallion.
Chapters (10)
- Member Since 24th May, 2019
- offline last seen May 27th, 2023
LyNx_X_PiE_PiE
Just a brony that loves to write... That's about it!😜
LyNx_X_PiE_PiE
Joined 24th May, 2019 ·
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I like it. Interesting dynamic between these two. I feel that mist goes from random bystander to having a knife at the guy a bit quick and if you did continue this story I’d try to explain that a bit, maybe if something had happened in the past that caused him to instantly be on edge. I know we had the ‘he’s been mugged before’ but with a proper reason he could be a really well fleshed out character that’s interesting to learn about. Also nightshine sounds adorable so work with that but don’t make her incapable of getting down a dirty if it goes that way.
Overall a nice read with lots of potential. Great job.
Didn't this story use to have a sex tag?
Thank you for the feedback! I highly appreciate it! I am continuing the story and will bring more of Mist's backstory as the chapters go on. As for Nightshine... Well, she will eventually get sick of somethings later in the story and do something that even Mist would be surprised about! But no spoilers for now 😁 I thank you all for reading this as it is my 2nd fic on here, and am hoping to make it a big one!
'thought' -> 'tough'?
'of' -> 'off'
I'm not entirely sure what happened here... is the first sentence showing how much he likes the moonlight, and the second an accident?
I kept my eyes on the group as the looked at a slightly younger mare that was heading in their direction.
The who?
I don't think the shift key registered.
9651351
Thank you for this! Although it is criticism, it's people like you that help writers like me. I will proof read my work more carefully next time. Thank you SunflowerSwirl
9651179
Why is this story marked "complete" then?
9652231
The chapter is complete, not the entire thing
9652292
The capture? What capture? Chapter? Complete tag means the story is completed, not the chapter.
'smooth and polished' is the definition, and I'm assuming that it is intentional and not a misspelling of 'grazed'. Perfectly fine, just might need a dictionary or assumption.
'I stated, my face blushing.' might flow better.
'heard' might be a better tense and 'inside' may fit the sentence better than 'out'
This might be a bit picky, but I think when you're repeating something simple, like this:
You could try making it repeat a little less: 'Nightshine stood in the doorway with bags under her eyes and a certain dryness within them'
"You're"
'her'
'if'?
'scared'
"mate's"
'defenseless'
"protection's sake" or 'sake of protection'
'evening'?
'passed'
Perhaps 'Mist is the only one from his workplace that showed up'?
'that I was blushing slightly'
That makes sense, 'truly' also could work. Up to you. 'could' or 'should'?
I think it was meant to be 'chimed'.
Missed a space.
I probably don't even need to say 'I'.
Needs to be 'the mare from within the sky' unless you capitalize it and use it as a title.
"didn't"
These situation's probably aren't any fun to write... maybe 'as the unicorn mare slowly began to walk away.'
'possession of a harmful weapon'
'we'?
The exclamation marks in the beginning looked a little odd, but I see what you mean.
I'm seeing a few more issues with improper nouns being capitalized, such as 'Unicorn' or 'Colt'. You might want to go back through and change them. Issues with different tenses often seem to be present as well.
I feel that you have a nice balance of things that we know, things that we want to know more about, and things to which we are completely ignorant. Hoping to learn more about the pony in the picture!
9651980
You're welcome! I might be a little picky with the wording, but I am interested in the story. Just let me know if I need to be pickier!
9652485
Thank you! I helps that you can pick out the issues or the non-standard word choice that I have used. It helps a lot. It's not the easiest thing to do when you're dyslexic. (I have it sadly) but it helps me to know that someone is proof reading it like I do. I don't know if it's me skipping over the sentence but I dont normally see these things until somebody points them out. I'm just glad that you're enjoying the story... Thank you! 😁
9652805
It's probably that you wrote it and therefore can end up skipping words throughout your writing since it is a lot to review. I, on the other hand, have no idea what's supposed to be there until I read it.
That was it?
9655319
For the chapter yes. The story is far from over though. 😁
Then why is this story marked "Complete"?
Love how you used the dream scene to dip deeper into the plot! I'm curious if Colt will just serve as an emotional conflict for Mist, or if he'll affect the world through more than his mind...
Sadly, it seems that nightmare may become a reality.
9656187
The scene at the start was an experiment that I wanted to try out. I also wanted to leave the chapter on a cliff hanger to set the mood for the tag that I haven't exactly used yet. ('dark') I'm happy that you enjoyed it and hope you can brace yourself for what is going to occur. I felt like looping the start and finish together to achieve a sense that Mist's day had gone from nightmare to nightmare was a little bit cheap, but it worked out perfectly for the next chapter. That I am greatful for!
9656376
How many chapters do you plan on writing for this story?
9656382
At this point, I haven't got an exact number. I would expect about 10 chapters, if I'm able to keep the thought train rolling.
Dude, if the story isn't finished, you should remove the "completed" tag.
So Nightshine accidentally cut Mist with his own knife?
I think the arrest should be for threatening a civilian. Mist owns a knife, why isn't he getting arrested?
Also, is it seriously that easy to get in the guard. Heck ours would be twice as large if the standards were that low.
9658163
Yes! As she was pulling it out, she was leaning into him. No spoilers but this eventually affects Mist in a certain few situations...
9658323
I was waiting for someone to notice! 😁
Maybe the guard didn't notice the knife.
That escalated quickly. Colt will make it really weird.
Judging by that and the title, I'm guessing that he is unkillable. Not unstoppable, but can't die because of Colt. The possibilities are fairly vast.
I enjoyed this it was a great story thanks for writing it