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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Good to see you back! It looks great so far, I'm looking forward to seeing how Lemony Cream reacts to the outside world ^^
Looking good! All the style of the older fic but quite a bit less obscure. You're a poet you are!
I’m surprised at how nostalgic I got reading this. It’s different from the original I remember. Our protagonist was made to face trial, and it was a lot crueler. There was an implication that other secret martyrs like her had been arranged previously.
Your writing style is less purple, but a lot clearer. I’m still not sure which I like better, yet.
I'll take a look, thanks for this blast from the past.
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I am very glad you're here, drunk or sober, clop or no clop! I would have missed you if you had signed off permanently But you're still here
I hope you'll like the next chapter. I'll be able to post it tomorrow.
This is a good set up. Quick, snappy, but it really establishes Lemony’s personality and personal stake in things. Oddly enough I find myself appreciating her religious view of things. It’s fascinating to see how the Element Bearers and the Princess’ are viewed as mythos.
There's a reason I'm not fond of sidefics having a protag who comes from a Stable. Not really because of the protag themselves, but often what happens in the very first chapter: a long, 10k or so word info dump about what the Stable they live in is like, an extensive history of the protag and their friends or family. And worse, often most of what is exposited in such chapters wind up not being relevant for the vast majority of the story. It's like spending hours making a finely detailed sand canvass, only to stomp on it once you're finished.
It's for that reason why I love this introduction.
We don't get a long series of bricks barfing out exposition and such, instead the chapter starts by immediately starting the catalyst to the plot: the death of overmare Shady Sands.
There is some exposition, mostly stemming from character dialogue and brief descriptions. (with admittedly feels wonky, but does feel like a result of the environment they grew up in; a good case of show don't tell.)
I like how the first chapter gives a good impression of who Lemony Cream is: a religious lesbian who is in utter grief at the lost of her lover but wants to go out into the Wasteland for her sake, a mare with strong moral beliefs that she isn't shy of admitting are biased (because really, all beliefs are biased, that is normal), and a mare who is very good with words, able to convince the solicitor to follow his con(even if she'll forever hate him for being responsible for Shady Sands death).
It's a brief chapter that nonetheless has a lot of weight in it's words, which is something I really like (mostly because my ADD makes it hard to read for long periods of time).
I'm honestly interested in reading more of this!
So far, this has been a pleasant read with a rather nice flow to it. The protagonist’s religious nature and emphasis on various forms of light makes for something really unique and further increases my interest in this tale of yours. One thing that somewhat soured my enjoyment of the story was a plethora of oddly placed and redundant commas, brackets, and colons—their placement oftentimes hindered the story’s smooth flow. Also noticed some typos and missing words, but these caused just minor harm compared to the punctuation issues.
I hope I’ll have enough time to read the next chapter soon!
holy SHIT. I am absolutely in love with this intro!!!! I have changed a lot as person since I read the original version of this, and I honestly wasn't sure how I would feel being back here, as an out transbian. But my goddess, Lemony Cream's grief here is so rich and vivid. Her emotional intelligence with knowing she can't guarantee she'll not follow Shady into the void is fucking beautiful! I love the purple prose of your earlier works as well, but I am extremely happy you've branched out here because I absolutely love the sheer magnitude of emotion you've packed so artfully into this!!!
Very, very much looking forward to spending more time here with Lemony. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS!!!!!
Only 36 comments? That is like 2 comments for each chapter, can't have numbers like that, better boost those numbers by giving this a read trough!
So the chapter in itself was a bit on the short side, both when looking at the word count and the action and world building going on, and I do really not think that it would have worked as well as it did if not for your very... well I think the best word that I have for it is poetic way of writing. I have never read someone being so poetic, yet not suffering under the weight of purple prosa or boring me to death, so bravo! I can only hope that you keep the style, and can only look forward to see how it mixes with some of the action there are bound to happen in a setting like FoE.
My only comment as such to the chapter is that the "bad" goverment pony admitted to doing the killing, it is a unwritten rule, but no one ever outright admit to killing others, murder is a giant sin after all, and you need to be a real son of a very not nice lady to nod and admit that you have murdered someone with a stray face. A fix could be to step around the issue, they did not "murder" they "removed the issue" or some other name for it like that, but as said is it my only comment on the chapter and it is a really small one.
Nitpicks:
" lying dead behind her desk. Like a dropped object, lying there." Repetition is generally a bad thing, but can also be a good thing if done in the right way, if you for example threw a "just" before the second lying would it get a bigger impact as it dosn't subtract for the words meaning, but builds it up... Hope I make sense.
"I had never seen so much as a shaft of sunlight." Never heard shaft being used like this, I think "beam" are more common.
" (they’ll argue you’re too dangerous, as a practicing unicorn)" Parentheses is not really a thing in spoken text, I get what you were trying to do, but putting it in between a pair of commas should more or less do the same. Parentheses are more for descriptions and thoughts.
", in whatever remains of Equestria.." need an extra period here to make it an ellipsis.
"How must he have he lied to himself when he cast his fatal vote?" Sounds wrong in my ears.