- Member Since 28th Apr, 2020
- offline last seen Sep 8th, 2023
Vis-a-Viscera
Now witness the power of this filly armed and operational battlestation.
Vis-a-Viscera
Joined 28th Apr, 2020 ·
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First some leech posts a story, and then you 10 minutes later
Fortunately there is no such thing as too much porn
i.imgur.com/uDiiaLE.gif
10459030
Oooh, nice!
I yearn for more
A little melodramatic, but very satisfying story. Thank you for the good work!
10495440
You're welcome.
Funburst :)
I promised a review so here it is:
I really like this fic. I went in with essentially no expectations other than mom son winest pornies, the best kind, and I got my expectations kicked in the dick. It's rare I get momcest and find I got even more than hoped for.
I am not the biggest fan of the formatting. I found it difficult to keep track of, but at the same time, the parallel stories told in alternating sequence provided an engaging kind of chronological interplay. We got the concerns of the past with the answers of the future. What could have in a lesser story been used as just a gimmick to show off the style of the writer was well utilized to tell the story in multiples timeframes simultaneous. Very well done, Vis. Usually these things are just annoying gimmicks, but you managed to make it matter meaningfully.
Characterization here was good, not quite same as the show, but oh fucking well, it's fanfiction. Firelight is the most on point, odd, given his relatively low importance. I think Sunburst was properly neurotic and properly anxious, and Stellar was properly officious. If there was wasted potential, in my opinion, it was from the lack of Starlight Glimmer. She could have been an opponent of Stellar Flare for Sunburst's affections.
That brings me to the biggest issue I have with the story. It feels like the relationship between Burst and Flare just happens jus cuz, more like it's just because they have open/protuding spots and nobody competing for them than anything else. It reminds me of Wanderer D's legendary Bronycon 2016 description of shipping vs romance -- romance is when they have cause to be together, shipping is when alien brain worms convince them they're so attracted out of nowhere. I'd normally let this go because it's a clopfic, but with the effort you went to to provide non clop content, this feels like a letdown. I could not figure out why Stellar Flare wanted Sunburst up her cooter. There were elements about familiarity and closeness, which you demonstrated admirably, but I didn't buy it as a romantic relationship, alas.
Finally, you need more polish. A few comma splices need fixing, and you have some nonsense punctuation.
8/10 - glad to read.
K93