Human Fiction. What else can I say? ________________ "True art is characterized by an irresistible urge in the creative artist." - Albert Einstein
Ever since she earned her talent, Cadence was know to help relationships when they needed a nudge, or a bump. But as she has grown older, she has a darker self that rises at night, cursing ponies to fall in everlasting love with other ponies, no matter what the gender. Celestia, Luna, and the Mane 6 don't like the look of this; but can they help Cadence stop her evil self from turning Equestria into a nutty love house?
Inspired by Seeing the Patterns, by Aegis Shield
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Good, I like where this is going. You need an editor, but other than that, five mustaches!
Oh and FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very interesting, an evil Cadence.
I will be blunt and say that this could use some major work. The idea of Cadance having an uncontrollable, dark alter-ego is interesting, but there are a lot of grammar, punctuation, and formatting issues. Please keep in mind, this is just intended as feedback and constructive criticism. If I'm out of line, feel free to disregard this post; it's your story and your choice how to present it. But here are a few suggestions for things to work on.
When a character talks, their words should be connected to what they are doing. Here is an excerpt of chapter three which has been corrected for this (and nothing else):
“Then what's your idea, Fluttershy?” Twilight asks, looking at her more closely.
Fluttershy smiles. “Cadence should try and not sleep, that way her evil self can’t be summoned.”
Twilight sighs, thinking of other things that could go along with it. “What if her evil self summons when she’s asleep?”
Fluttershy sighs and just whispers, “Just an idea..”
Twilight sighs and shrugs her shoulders. “I guess its worth a try, hopefully it works.”
So everypony cares for Cadence the whole day and at night, they go up to Canterlot Castle to rest, leaving a doctor and Fluttershy to watch the screen and make sure she’s okay.
That last sentence is a bit of a run-on and should probably be broken up. You could also add some additional description throughout the story, as the pacing seems rushed. What does the hospital room look like? How about Shining Armor and Cadance's bedroom or the dining room at the palace? How do those places smell and what kind of background noise can we hear? Details like those help an audience feel more "present" in a story.
One last thing! Luna's old-fashioned language is a stumbling block for a lot of people. Here you have made a couple of mistakes. I'll give you an example, so you can see what I mean: “Dearest Twilight, Cadence is thy evil alicorn. Whenever she goes to sleep thou spirit takes over thy body of her.” "Thy" actually equates to "your", so that "thy mother" = "your mother", and "thou" is "you". So the sentence above reads as, "Dearest Twilight, Cadence is your evil alicorn. Whenever she goes to sleep you spirit takes over your body of her."
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Thank you so much! And about Luna's old-fashion speech, hehe..I should fix that. But thanks! I appreciate all the feedback. ^^