Everything was going so well.
The entire Wonderbolts team was performing at their best, causing Soarin's heart to swell with pride. He loved being second-in-command. It meant he got to oversee dozens of bright young recruits, the most promising young fliers of the current generation. And he got to work under the wing of the most decorated Captain in Wonderbolts history, Spitfire.
So it was a shock to Soarin when, midway through their display, he watched Spitfire spin wildly out of control and crash into a patch of bushes near the crowd. He was relieved to see her quickly walk away, but his relief turned to confusion when he saw the medical team giving her a breathalyser test.
Cover art courtesy of LupiArts on DeviantArt.
My entry for the Drama category of The A Thousand Words Contest III!
Check out my other entries!
Drama: You are here!
Slice of Life: After the Limelight Fades
Horror: Washed Out
Comedy: Dogsitting
Experimental: With a Whimper
Damn!
good fic
Good Story and I need more.
It is an interesting story & I like how it shows that regardless of gender & being a pony that consequences are enforced as well that Soarin reacted as someone in his position should.
Um, okay? This was too short for such a big plot, nice idea but its gonna take more than 1 page to make a good fic.
I know drunks can sometimes hiccup (for a couple different reasons), but 3.2% by volume was somewhat distracting to the story.
Can I be real with you?
I don't mind stories this short. However, I think your story wasn't sufficiently long enough to convey the narrative you were aiming for. I think at least a couple more paragraphs would REALLY help to flesh this out, going forward. Ideally, a second chapter for closure. But to achieve this same effect, I think just spending a little more time with her problems and soarin's reactions would have benefitted and amplified the stories impact. As is, this feels like a published first draft to a chapter in a well written story. The writing isn't bad, just incomplete
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I hear you. It's not the first time I've heard this since publishing, and I've been thinking the same since hitting publish.
It's here now, going to leave it as is for the contest and see what happens. However I'm thinking that I'd like to revisit the narrative after the fact, write something a bit longer and more complete.