Brusque & Brooding

by Compendium of Steve

A Sudden Eviction

Brusque & Brooding

A Sudden Eviction

Flowers bloomed brilliantly on verdant lawns, made aglow by the rays of a delightful sun. The chorus of songbirds wafted amidst the cool midday breeze that blew through the friendly streets of Toad Town, with children giggling gleefully while their busy-body parents took in a deep breath of life’s splendor. On a day of such pure pristine picturesque purple prosey goodness as this one, no other place was more sickeningly saccharine as Princess Peach’s Castle. High above the inanely alliterative outdoors, secluded in her private bed chambers, Peach stood before her stout, mustachioed protector in blue leather armor. Her heart was aflutter over their private engagement, but she maintained the calm and grace of a refined, delicate ruler through and through.

“Thank you for coming, Mario,” she said most sweetly. “On a day this beautiful, I wanted to spend some time with you.” She brought her dainty gloved hands to her chest before making a giggle. “You know, after all you’ve done for the kingdom, and for me, I felt it was time to give you a proper reward. Something you’ve been waiting for for quite some time, and certainly nicer than any cake.”

As her Italian defender stood erect before her approach, we switch focus to ground-level at the backside of the castle. Sneaking in the shade of the regal sanctum, there lumbered a hulking brute of supreme excellence, clad in a black skinsuit and tip-toeing as quickly and silently as two massive scaly feet would allow. Pressing his spikey shell to the wall, the Koopa King sidled rather loudly for a few feet before stopping, and after a few quick looks to the sides he waved over to someone.

“Alright, coast is clear. Bring the goods,” he ‘whispered’ with a loud, burly tone. From out of some conveniently-placed shrubbery, a squad of squat black creatures with white eye bands converged on their leader, two of them rolling over a large round explosive colored a very gaudy pink that somewhat blended with the paint of the castle exterior.

“Why are you leading the operation again, Your Devilishness?” one of the ninji asked. “We are skilled enough to handle this alone. No need to endanger or... exert, yourself in any way.”

“I never did anything stealthy like this before.” Bowser chuckled in yet another feeble attempt at volume control. “Busting in and swiping the princess in a blaze of glory gets old after awhile, plus this way seems cooler in some ways. Now is that bomb set?”

“Yes it is, Your Slyness,” a ninji by the bomb reported. “Um, not to question your tactical planning, but wouldn’t it have been more stealthy to do this at night?”

“Bah! Night time is too long a wait, and I’m a koopa of action,” he balked his subordinate. “Besides, on sunny days like these, security is always low. Over twenty years of terrorist attacks and they haven’t even bothered having a dog watch the back door. Why some angry toad hasn’t snuck in and offed Peach by this time is beyond me.”

“Well, there’d be no point of stationing a watchdog if there’s no back door to watch, Your Harshness,” a third ninji pointed out.

“Not yet there isn’t, but that’s why we got Ol’ Ka-BLOOEY here, heheheh.” Bowser beckoned two of the ninji to roll the bomb over to the wall. The minions exchanged looks of doubt over their lordship’s understanding of “covert” as they put the bomb in place, but shortly after walking away it started rolling in their direction.

“Hey, dimwits, I want it by the wall, not in the middle of the grass!” The ninjis jumped at their king’s scolding before scurrying back to put the bomb in place. Once again, the bomb followed shortly after they leave, giving Bowser cause to fume with a stomp of his foot. “Oh come on, what is this?!”

A ninji went over to inspect the rebellious bomb, and then hopped before speaking, “It seems the bomb is too round, Your Repulsiveness. It simply won’t stay put on any surface that has the slightest degree of unevenness.”

“Turnips!” he swore. “Like I’m gonna dump this plan midway through because of roundness. I know how to fix this; just hold it steady.” The ninjis shrugged, then proceeded to push the bomb back against the wall. With their little arms keeping it in place, Bowser crouched slightly to spring up onto the explosive, where he then commenced jumping up and down in place atop it. “You-just-gotta-pound-it-into-place-so-it-won’t-move!”

“Y-Your Rashness! What about setting it off prematurely?” a ninji asked frantically, still holding his ground despite personal inclinations to flee for cover.

“Relax; I learned from last time with the Bob-OOM,” he replied, still jumping on the bomb. “Instead of being fire or pressure activated, it uses a small switch. Once pressed, it’ll arm itself and count down, giving us plenty of time to—” A loud click stopped his hopping. “What was that?”

In response, the bomb exploded in a devastating smokey blast that launched the wannabe infiltrator into the sky, yelling well into the stratosphere. At that exact moment, Peach could’ve sworn the earth had shook.

---

Within the eternal night realm of World 3, all was foreboding as usual at Casa de Sombra, aka Sombra’s Shadow Fortress of Doom. Past the fireball-spewing lava pits and fire spinners, the equestrian Lord of Shadow himself sat comfortably on his newly refurbished custom crystal throne, enjoying a genuine moment of relaxation. The past few months were taxing to say the least: collecting himself, adjusting to his new surroundings, and regularly having to put up with a bothersome dunderhead of a tyrant that had culminated in a recent messy brawl. But now with a functioning castle and some twelve odd henchmen under his hoof, Sombra felt he had finally found his place in this pony-less kingdom.

He wrapped a red magic aura around a flute of Bianco Hills chardonnay, taking a little sip before returning it to his right-hand koopa troopa, Orick. The servant was the only surviving member of Sombra’s original forces, before they got blasted by a scaly eight-foot tall run of bad luck. If nothing else, the stallion took comfort in having a steadfast and loyal subject by his side.

“It is a good night, Orick,” Sombra commented.

“It is always a good night, my Liege,” the troopa agreed most humbly.

“Some more than others, I must admit.” Sombra took another sip from his flute. “After that unpleasant bit of business from last week, I am glad this castle got back into working order in so little time. All thanks to that unwitting reptile’s present of manual labor.”

“Yes, the cur was a fool to send you over his troops, just to have them used against him,” Orick said snidely, rubbing his hands together.

“No doubt about it.” Just a whiff from his glass this time round. “They’re still on loan though, so if any of them were to ask to return then I’ll make no objection, given all the work they put in. Until that time, I’ll still make the most use out of them. I’m thinking I will have them raid the nearest onyx mine.”

“Ah, a most wise decision, me Lord. Gather resources to arm the troops for the inevitable conquest of the kingdom.”

“In due time, my servant. For now, let us enjoy this wondrously grim evening.” Sombra swished around his drink, contemplating another sip. But before he could decide, a low whistling sound filled the air, steadily becoming louder. “Do you hear that, Orick?”

“Yes I do. Perhaps a foul wind from the moors.”

“I would say that as well, except I don’t think there are any moors around...”

Their line of deduction was fatally disrupted when a hefty mass impacted the castle from above, tearing a massive hole with enough force to rend the entire foundation asunder in a thunderous cascade of bricks, mortar and lava. As suddenly as it had started the destruction ended, leaving nothing but a large pile of rubble that had formerly been a castle. In the center of the disaster zone, Sombra awoke beneath some bricks in time to see a fat, red-headed lizard in a torn black skin suit sit up and shake his head in a stupid manner.

“Whoa, what a trip,” the reprehensible lizard said, as he looked around. “Where am I? Why’s it so dark?” Bowser leapt onto his feet with a thump, just as Sombra lifted himself from the rubble. On his way up, he spotted the hand of his dear servant sticking out from under a particularly heavy piece of stonework. Alas, poor Orick, we barely knew ye, and never shall henceforth.

“Ahhh, night time already? Don’t tell me I was out this whole time!” The overgrown turtle sighed. “Guess I better head back to the castle and thrash that new bombmaker.”

“Youuuu...” Bowser turned around, seeing Sombra standing all wobbly and looking mighty fierce. “It just had to be you, didn’t it?”

“Oh, hey Sombra! It’s been a while, huh?” Bowser replied with a dopey, carefree grin. “Wait, what are you doing here? Are you here to snub me out of another kidnapping? And don’t go saying you’re out enjoying an evening stroll in Peach’s backyard; I know how it is!”

“This isn’t Peach’s castle: it’s World 3, you imbecile. You were here just last week,” Sombra seethed.

“World 3, really? Wow, that’s some distance, gwahaha. For a moment I thought I had conked out in some junkyard.” Bowser looked around at the brick pile beneath him. “Actually, this looks more like a demolition site. What happened here?”

“Well, considering how you’re a living, walking disaster, I’d imagine you had something to do with it.” The peeved unicorn was visibly trembling with growing hate. Bowser, in the meantime, came to a realization.

“Oh riiight, something broke my fall. Talk about mass destruction. Heheh, hope nobody lived here, or else they’d be m—”

“You destroyed My Castle you Clod!” Sombra punctuated his cry with a hoofstomp that evoked a lightning flash.

“Ohhhh. Oops?" Bowser threw in two raised palms to be on the safe side.

“Uhhhg, L-Lord Bowser...” A weak voice drew Bowser’s attention the other way, where a few yards ahead, a koopa he recognized was half buried and reaching out to him. It was a member of the squad he had sent out to repair the castle: Leonard, a loving family man and hard-worker above the rest, who was only two weeks away from retirement.

“Oh no.” Bowser immediately stomped in the direction of the dying troopa, closing the distance in little time. Standing over his fallen subject, the Koopa King gently reached down... past Leonard to grab a tattered painting and frame that was right by him. He looked up and away to give the painting a better look, while Leonard’s darkening vision formed tears of disbelief and betrayal.

“One of my old self-portraits; I can’t believe one of ‘em was still here.” He lifted a shred of the painting with a claw. “Such a classic look, completely ruined...” Bowser’s artistic mourning ended when a brick bopped his over-sized noodle, and looking over his shoulder he saw Sombra levitating a few bricks over himself.

“My castle, you oaf!” Sombra flung his bricks at Bowser, one of them knocking the ruined portrait from his grasp. “What are you going to do about this?”

“What about it? In case you forgot already, this used to be My castle, so I can do whatever I want with it. And besides, it’s mostly your fault. If you had moved out like I suggested, then we wouldn’t be having this heartbreak now would we?”

Bowser’s little spiel stopped with a harsh choke as he was lifted into the air by dark magic around his neck. He clawed frantically at the intangible vice grip on his windpipe as he floated over to Sombra, whose eyes were glaring a deeper shade of red and green.

“I’m not going to put up with your blathering over this. You owe me a castle, fully-built, now, Without Question.”

“Gaghk! Okay okay, I get it! Just let me down!” Sombra released his hold, letting Bowser fall back to the ground on his knees, where he took several deep, ragged breaths. After a while he looked to Sombra with a pained grin. “Y’know, you’d have won last time if you did that from the start.”

“I will inflict far worse if you dare try to change the subject!”

“Alright, sheesh, lighten up. I hear ya.” Bowser stood back up and patted himself before clearing his throat. “Because the blasting of your castle was unintentionally my doing, and because it’s technically a historic landmark, I shall, through my awesome authoritative powers as ruler of the Koopa Empire, assign a crack team of builders and architects to rebuild this place at no cost, since I pay them nothing to begin with, bwahahah!”

“And you’ll have it started immediately?”

“Well, I gotta get back to my castle first. But by this time tomorrow... uh, night, my workers will be on site and laying down bricks like nobody’s business.”

“Good. Any time later than that, I’ll cast you to the lowest depths of Tartarus.” Sombra did an about-face and went to a small brick pile, which he began to disassemble with his magic and reassemble into a neat stack.

“Uhhh, what are you doing?” Bowser asked.

“Settling in for the night,” Sombra answered sharply. “If I’m going to be waiting on your ‘crack team’, I should have something to keep me sheltered.”

“Hold on, you’re gonna stay out here, atop this junk pile, by yourself?”

By that time Sombra had constructed a portion of wall and was affixing a ceiling to it. “Considering that all the company I had were crushed along with the rest of the castle, I really have no say on the matter.”

“What about staying warm? Nights can get pretty chilly out here, and I don’t think that cape of yours can cut it as a blanket.”

“That little concern is well in hoof.” On cue, a small fire lit up before Sombra whilst he continued working on his hut. Seeing that he wasn’t wanted, Bowser shrugged and turned to begin the long walk back to his fortress, only to stop after a few steps as an instance of hesitation struck. The koopa looked at the ground in thought for a few moments, then turned back in the direction of the castle-less despot to watch him arrange more bricks.

“Why are you still standing around? This isn’t getting my castle rebuilt quicker, and I’m sure all your loyal, living subjects miss you oh so dearly,” Sombra said, still focused on the task at hand, or hoof rather.

“Hey, listen,” Bowser started. “It was kinda my fault you’re in this situation, so how bout this: while my troops rebuild your castle, you can stay at my place.”

Sombra stopped his bricklaying and faced Bowser. “What was that?”

“Well, being homeless wouldn’t do your evil image any good, and if you’re gonna ever hope to outdo my reputation, then you should at least live like an evil king.”

“The only way to outdo your reputation is to not fail at every endeavor I undertake.”

“Hey, I’m offering free room and board out of courtesy, which is something that never happens. If you want to stay out here in the cold like a commoner’s horse, then fine by me. I’ll just head on back.” Bowser turned and resumed stomping over the remains of the castle and his former laborers.

“Wait.” Bowser halted at Sombra’s word. “Although my predicament is entirely your fault for undoubtedly stupid reasons, it’d be somewhat petty for me to refuse a sincere offer of goodwill. It is sincere, right?”

“Uh, yeah! Totally!” Bowser turned to bob his head in affirmation. “So you gonna take it?”

Sombra looked briefly back at his hut-in-progress, then gave a sigh. “Given my other option, I suppose I shall.”

“Okay, cool to know. Hey, come to think of it, you’d also get to see what a real castle is like from the inside, so it’ll be a learning experience as well!”

“Oh joy.” A quick eye roll from the stallion.

“Alright, get your stuff together. It’s gonna be a long walk, so pack light...” A deadpan look from Sombra stopped Bowser short. “Oh, yeah... Well, just what you’re wearing is fine. Now let’s giddy-up; there’s a good bit of distance we have to cover.”

“Please don’t use that phrase. It’s insulting.”

“What, ‘giddy-up’? Hmm, guess I can see why.” As Bowser mused aloud as he often did, Sombra had approached and sided up with him.

“Besides, I have something better than walking in mind.” With a flare of his horn, a veil of gooey shadow burst upward to smother Sombra and a flailing Bowser into the ground without sound or trace. Some time later, a shadow mass reappeared on a stretch of barren earth and deposited the two before receding to nothingness. Sombra’s horn stopped flaring, but Bowser kept flailing his arms in a panic. “We’re here.”

“Huh Wah?” Bowser then noticed the sudden daylight, familiar scent of gloom and brimstone, and the towering sight of his own castle a few hundred yards in front of him. Upon seeing his great abode, he put a stop to his arms. “Whaddya know, we are. That’s a pretty useful spell!”

Sombra nodded. “Wherever there are shadows, or any place that shadows can be born, it is all in my reach. Because of that, I can go almost anywhere.”

“You should give me a heads-up next time ya use it; that came off as extremely freaky.” A thought occurred to Bowser. “Say, if you can go almost anywhere, why couldn’t you put us inside the castle?”

“I believe that if we were to abruptly appear within, your vigilant guard would have undoubtedly attacked us before they had time to recognize you. I don’t want to get into any unnecessary fights if I can help it, especially against highly-trained guardsmen.”

“‘Highly-trained’... Oh, OH! Yeah, good thinking; my guards are waaaay ruthless. They’d have been on us like Monty Moles at a wrench convention, lightning fast one hundred percent. It would have been gruesome, that’s just how well-trained they are. Yup, uh-huh, yessiree.”

“I see,” Sombra nodded, seemingly unaware of the shifty glances and facial twitches Bowser had been making prior. “Well, shall you lead the way?”

“Yes I shall, and forward we go!” The two began their march to the gates of the fortress in the distance, as Bowser began pulling at his skin suit. “At least there’ll be plenty of time for me to get this thing off; the thing’s starting to itch. Ugh, why are these so tight anyway?”

Sombra briefly pondered the range of intellectual discourse his temporary housing would offer based on that riveting bit of dialogue, and immediately he felt himself becoming one sad little pony.

Comments

[Themaskedferret]

and immediately he felt himself becoming one sad little pony.

Is all I can do.

[Mnemonic_Horse]

and immediately he felt himself becoming one sad little pony.

The return of Sob-ra.