Brusque & Brooding

by Compendium of Steve

Accomodation Woes

Brusque & Brooding

Accommodation Woes

It was a short minute-long stroll before Sombra could see Bowser’s castle in full detail. A classic rotund model of fortress, built from black stone and consisting of several towers, parapets, ramparts, portculli and, for an extra touch of invader dissuasion, all surrounded by a deep moat of lava. The whole structure looked even more foreboding in the shadows cast by the waning light of the setting sun... or at least it would be, if the owner’s massive, dumb-looking face didn’t take up the entire front of the castle. And speaking of which, Bowser came up to Sombra while pulling off the last bit of his skin suit. Tossing the irritable garb aside, he wiped his claws and stood proudly.

“Welp, home sweet home,” he announced. “Always a calming sight for sore eyes, seeing those battlements and Bill Blasters as they glisten in the sun. Downright impressive, wouldn’t you say?”

“I was here last week.”

“Yeah you were, but now you get to see all the goodies packed inside, gwahahaha! Now come on: it’s almost dinner time.” Bowser stomped onward, and Sombra rolled his eyes before following suit. “Just so you know, I don’t have any stables on hand, but give my boys an hour and they’ll have one of the training barracks ready with all the commodities: hay, probably get a bathtub in there to be a water trough, a cozy sleeping rug, maybe a little chew toy—”

“I’m not a dog, and neither do my kind sleep in stables. They are for lowly, small-brained farm animals.”

“Oh... So you sleep in beds like regular people?”

“Yes!”

“Then that makes it easier! I’ve got a few guest rooms; no need to build a stable after all, heheheh.”

Not even in the castle and already his host was getting on his nerves, but Sombra refrained from talking out and focused squarely on the castle ahead. Eventually the two reached the edge of the moat, the drawbridge raised up on the other side. Bowser looked up toward the tower that contained his throne room and shouted, “Hey! Your king is here; lower the drawbridge and let me in!”

A small, wrinkly head popped out from a window of the throne room before quickly ducking away, only for a purple-garbed magikoopa on a broomstick to fly out to meet the arrivals. The hag puttered down to where the two awaited, and hovering a foot off the ground she hopped off, revealing her painfully short stature.

“Great Bowser! You have come back at last, I see,” she gabbed in an involuntarily crotchety manner. “I take it the mission didn’t go over too well, seeing as there’s no princess to speak of?”

“You got it, Kammy.” Bowser made a loud sigh. “Another case of faulty mission equipment, which I will have discussed severely with that bomb-maker you hired.”

The be-speckled witch then noticed Sombra, and began hopping about excitedly while waving her short arms around. “Y-Your Bitterness! That loathsome copycat Sombra is standing right next to you!”

“I know he is. I kinda obliterated his castle on my way here and he tagged along.”

Kammy stopped her jumping. “Oh, I see. Want me to ready the cannons, then?”

“NO! He’s here as a guest, at least until I build him a new castle.”

The witch stood speechless a moment, then said, “Ummm, I’m not sure I follow, Your Terribleness. Did you just say he’s going to be staying h—”

“Just lower the drawbridge and let us in, you deaf crone!” Bowser stomped his foot hard, making Kammy jump back onto her hovering broom in fright. “And while you’re at it, have the cooks ready a feast for two. Tell ‘em Poppa Bowser’s come home to feed, and he’s brought company.”

“Uh, y-yes Your Monstrousness! I’ll get right on it! (Just what is he thinking?)” Kammy flipped around and took off back into the castle, and shortly after the sound of turning gears and rope hailed the descent of the drawbridge onto the ground before Bowser and Sombra’s feet. Bowser looked to the stallion with a toothy grin.

“Okay! Let’s head on in.” Bowser stomped jauntily over the the span of the drawbridge, and on the other side he turned to Sombra, who had only started moving. “Come on, slowpoke! I’m wasting away here!”

Sombra trotted hesitantly over the bridge, keeping his eyes on it while occasionally tapping the wood for some kind of reaction. Convincing himself that it wasn’t going to launch him this time, he picked up his pace and rejoined his scaly host at the opened double doors.

“Took ya long enough,” Bowser chided. “But anyway, let’s start the tour!”

“Tour?” Bowser stomped away, ignoring Sombra’s question. As the drawbridge began to rise back up, the stallion proceeded into the castle entryway proper. Catching up to Bowser, Sombra took in the decor of the hall: long red carpet, sinister iron-cast windows, spike-ringed columns adorned with torches spaced every ten feet and kept parallel to one another. A very well-done textbook villain’s hallway, he admitted.

“Here we start with the simple yet awe-inspiring Entrance Hall, which only the bravest and mightiest warriors have been able to see,” Bowser began. “Normally it takes a hundred and twenty Star Coins to get the front door opened, and some of those are downright suicide to grab. Lucky you have me to let you in, haha.”

A skittering sound turned their gaze to a little black speck running at them from the other end of the corridor. The ninji halted a yard from Bowser before addressing him. “Your Stompiness, I am so glad to see you have survived. When word of your arrival reached me, I just had to come and validate it with my own eyes.”

“Well here I am, standing and struttin’ all the same,” Bowser replied. “Kinda surprising to see you made it back here before I did. What happened exactly after the bomb went off?”

“After you took your flight, me and the others scattered, but judging from the size of the explosion, I say the castle wall stood no chance of staying intact.”

“Well, obviously. So why didn’t you carry out the mission without me and grab the princess?”

“Like I said, sir, we were scattered. I awoke in a tree on the outskirts of Toad Town, but I know not the fate of the others. I simply ran back here as fast as I could to report the mission's failure, as well as your disappearance.”

“Heh, no honor among ninji. Or rather no spine. How about you make yourself actually useful and prep one of the guest rooms on the top floor. Can you do that without running away?”

“Of course! An odd request, but I’ll do it to atone for today’s failure!”

“See that you do, and let me know when it’s ready.”

“Yes sir!” The ninji gave a little salute before speeding off back the other way.

“So, another poorly-built bomb of yours was what cost me my castle. I see,” Sombra spoke up while glaring at Bowser.

“Not directly but, eh, it happens.” Bowser shrugged.

“Quite frequently in your case.”

“Anyway, back to the tour!” The Koopa King resumed his walk down the hall with Sombra in tow. Soon they made it to a large, ornate staircase, and as they climbed them, Bowser resumed speaking. “Here we have the Entrance Hall Stairs. Notice how there’s enough to instill a sense of power, but not so much that it’s exhausting. That last part you definitely need to take note of. Very important.” Sombra frowned at the poorly veiled criticism, but said nothing. A minute later they arrived at the absurdly tall doors to the ever-important second floor, as Bowser called it. On the landing, Sombra was shown and given extraneous detail about the numerous statues that filled the castle, which to no surprise bore his host’s likeness.

“That one there was put up after I totally trashed Peach’s birthday from two years ago, and that one I had made when a gray hair I found on me turned out to be from a cat that belonged to one of the goombas. I had him catapulted that day for extra celebration!”

The long-winded tour continued for what felt like hours, with Bowser naming off the various rooms and corridors that filled his fortress.

“That’s the Spiked Apparati Wing, and down that hall is a back-up armory, and over there is the Block Puzzle Room.”

“Block Puzzle Room?”

“It can’t be death pits and chain chomps all the time, that gets boring; ya gotta break up the monotony when handling would-be intruders. Very important to know.”

“But why is it next to a ‘Gold Coin Depository’?”

“Ya gotta reward them with something, otherwise what’d be the point of having them do a puzzle?”

Finally, after an infinity of self-indulgent pratter, the two came before a set of red, bolted doors. Bowser cleared his throat for another discourse. “And finally, we arrive at the centerpiece that brings it all together: My Throne Room!” Bowser threw the doors open, banging them loud enough to add to the volume and dramatic effect of his voice. What lay beyond was a high-vaulted, practically cavernous chamber, with self-portraits and red-and-black banners containing Bowser’s insignia taking up whatever wall space wasn’t taken up by massive windows. A wide red and green carpet, also sporting Bowser’s insignia, led to a dais that held a grand throne, adorned with spikes and plush red cushioning. Sombra couldn’t lie: it was all far nicer and more imposing than his former throne ever was.

After a few seconds watching Sombra ogle his swanky throne room, Bowser stomped inside. “Come and get a closer look.” As Sombra followed and turned his gaze downward, he spotted a wide sheet of plywood covering a part of the floor, which had somehow escaped his notice until then.

“What is with this?” the stallion inquired.

“Eh, there was a pest problem a week ago. I took care of it, but not before it left a pretty deep hole.”

'Curious,' Sombra thought as he trotted over the covering. The lizard tyrant reached his throne and plopped himself down on it, letting out a big sigh of relief. “So, Sombra ol’ pal, what do you think of my pad, now that you’ve seen the interior? Awesome, am I right?”

“While the architecture is vast and impressive in some spots, I’m more interested in seeing you getting my castle rebuilt instead of wasting it on some insipid tour.”

“And I told you I’ll have it started tomorrow,” Bowser said, resting his chin on a fist. “For tonight, I figure we could both use some rest. So kick up your heels, or hooves or whatever, and relax.”

“I may want to relax by tossing you and your throne out a window for what you did to me. Will that suffice?”

“Sheesh, I thought with a name like Sombra you’d be into siestas and stuff like that.”

Before things could worsen, the ninji from earlier skittered into the room and stopped beside the irate stallion. “Lord Bowser, the guest room is prepared as requested.”

“Great timing.” Bowser turned his attention to his guest. “Dinner should be ready not too long from now, so go get a look at your new digs and chill a bit. While you’re at it, you could also wash up.” He leaned forward and put an opened palm by his mouth before whispering loudly. “Cuz, no offense, but you sorta reek.”

“I reek!?”

“Subject, you may escort the guest to his chambers,” Bowser said, resuming his normal voice and posture. The ninji hopped, then tugged at Sombra’s cape.

“Right this way, sir.” Deciding some alone time would prove more beneficial than another free-for-all, Sombra sighed and followed the little helper out of the throne room. The two walked in silence down the hall for some minutes until the ninji stopped at a green door with a yellow star embedded in it. “Your room.” The ninji dug into some hidden pocket and withdrew a key, and leapt up to unlock the door in one swift motion before holding the key up to the unicorn. “I’ll have someone come by when dinner is prepared. Do relax in the meantime.”

A little off-put by the creature’s courteous nature, Sombra took the key with his magic, and free of his burden the ninji took off. Sombra’s eyes followed the fellow for a moment before he pocketed the key into his armor and opened the door. Insider was a fairly sizable suite furnished with a dresser and mirror, throw rug, ceiling fan, and a queen-sized bed shaped and colored to look like a turtle shell. Rather cozy arrangements considering the owner, he thought.

Stepping into the room, the stallion saw an opening onto a balcony and another door that he assumed led to the bathroom. A crack of the door proved his assumption correct, as there was a large tub and sink atop tiled flooring beyond. He went over to the bed next and rested his backside onto it, lazily looking around the room and taking in the silence of his new surroundings. Come to think of it, a quick shower would do nicely, he thought. Time spent building his empire didn’t leave much time for regular bathing, and admittedly he was coming off a bit sour.

His decision made, Sombra got back up and unclothed himself, putting aside his cape in order to remove his armoring plate by plate, and finally he lifted up his signature crown and placed it on the dresser. He hurried into the bathroom, unused to his bareness, and worked his legs over the rim of the tub. After some clumsy hoofwork he was in, and with a quick adjustment of the shower nozzle he turned the faucet and let himself bathe in soothing, warm—

“Eyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!”

His body in shearing agony he clambered around the bathtub, screaming desperately while trying to flee from the unrelenting stream of boiling water until he vaulted himself over the porcelain rim and onto the floor. Sombra breathed heavily, wide-eyed from shock, just as Bowser burst in.

“What’s with the noise?! Was there a torture chamber I forgot I installed?” Bowser shifted his eyes down at the traumatized unicorn. “Oh, it’s just you. Taking a shower like I suggested?”

“Why, is the water, so hot, you sadist?” Sombra asked between breaths.

“Shell as thick as mine, that’s the only way I can feel any heat. It helps to test the water first before stepping in, bub, heheh.” Something of interest caught Bowser’s attention. “Say, what’s with the tattoo? That’s a pretty rugged place to put it.”

Sombra’s eyes refocused as he looked to the red, shadow-wrapped crystal marking on his flank before glaring at Bowser. “It’s not a tattoo, you idiot. It’s my... uh...”

“Looks like a tattoo to me.”

“It isn’t; it’s a... mrmerph.”

“A what?”

“A... nnmghpfmn.”

“Say that again.”

“A Cutie Mark, okay!? It’s called a Cutie Mark!”

“Wait, did you seriously say Cutie... czzzkt, Gwahahahahaha!” The Koopa King practically rolled on the floor by that point.

“It’s not funny! That represents my birthright!”

Bowser caught his breath and wiped a tear from his eye. “So, you mean it’s like a birthmark? Then why call it... a ‘Cutie Mark’, hee hee hee.”

“That’s, that’s just what it’s called.” The stallion looked away, his face red with insult and embarrassment.

“O-okay, I believe ya, hehehehe.” Turning away with a big grin on his face, Bowser left his guest to lie within the growing steam. “Dinner’s nearly done, so get cleaned up already!”

Why Sombra hadn’t slammed the irritating turtle into the ceiling at that point will forever remain a mystery to him.

---

Despite the mild burns, Sombra still took his shower and was back in his usual attire in short order, ready to eat. As promised by the ninji, a koopa troopa arrived to escort him to the dining hall, and after a walk down some stairs and past more statues they were there. An impressive spread was laid out across a long table, consisting mostly of meats, desserts and other fatty foods. Bowser was already face deep into the banquet as Sombra walked up to the table.

“Ah, there you are,” Bowser said between mouthfuls. “Smelling fresh like roses, are we? Sorry bout not waiting, but this day has reeeally built an appetite. Go help yourself.” He resumed pigging out, leaving Sombra to find a seat a safe distance from flying food particles. Sombra looked over the offerings and telekinetically grabbed a plate and took his time placing assorted desserts on it. Scanning the food some more, he then noticed a sheer lack of something.

“Excuse me, where are the vegetables?” he asked.

“Vege-wha?” Bowser asked through a turkey leg, which he then swallowed violently. “Ohhh, don’t tell me you’re one of those types, all picky about what they eat and keeping their figure and yada yada yada. A little bulk doesn’t hurt, ya know.”

“I’m not neurotic about my weight, thank you very much. And while I’d more than willingly partake of what you have offered, there’s certain biological factors that hinder me.”

“Huh?” A lightbulb went off over Bowser’s head. “Ohhhhh, right: horses don’t eat meat. Guess you’re not vegetarian by choice then, heheh.” Sombra just gave him a look. “Right, easy fix.” Bowser brought up his meaty mitts and clapped them together. “Para-Terror Squadron!” Instantly, four purple-shelled para-troopas wearing shades swooped in and up to their master. “We’re in need of some vegetables, doesn’t matter which. And they gotta be fresh, chop chop!” The troopas nodded before shooting off back from whence they came. Looking to his guest, Bowser made a grin while grabbing a dinner roll. “It’ll just be a moment.”

“That... really wasn’t necessary,” Sombra said.

“Oh yes it is. I can’t have you starving because you can’t digest normal food, especially when it’s not your fault. That’d make me a lame host.” A loud swoosh and a purple blur went past Sombra’s face, leaving a plateful of assorted veggies on his plate. “And there ya go. Dig in!”

Sombra lifted up a carrot with his magic, looking it over its orange crispness and fresh scent. “...Thank you.”

“No sweat!”

“Though I wish you’d be just as considerate with your table manners.”

“My dinner table, my rules. Be as messy as ya want or not, I don’t care.” The ravenous koopa devoured an entire set of ribs, and after giving off a belch he asked, “Hey, how bout explaining that Cutie Mark? Were you born with it, as in it’s always been there? Gotta say, I’d be pretty embarrassed if something like that were to appear on my butt. Least yours is kinda cool-looking.”

“Can we please not talk about that right now, I just want to eat.” Sombra took a sharp bite out of the carrot, crunching it angrily and loudly enough for his host to hear.

“Alright, we can just eat and not talk.”

“Good.” Sombra resumed eating his vegetable medley as Bowser munched away at his meats in relative silence.

“So, does it stretch out if you put on weight, or does it stay the same shape regardless?” A cream puff splattered across his face in answer. “...Fair enough.”

---

A few hours later, Sombra was back in his room getting ready for bed. Aside from the one bit of unpleasant conversation, dinner had been uneventful. Once the glutton had his fill he bid goodnight and went to his bed chambers, leaving the unicorn tyrant to be escorted back by his troopa escort. A good meal overall: the vegetables proved very raw, but the desserts were quite delicious, though packed with ludicrous amounts of calories that made him especially lethargic.

Turning off the lights and placing himself beneath the covers of the bed, Sombra laid down his head and reflected briefly on the day’s events before shutting his eyes. As he gave in to the peaceful ether of sleep, he thought that, in all, despite the circumstances that led up to that moment, it wasn’t that bad a day.

Comments

[Themaskedferret]

“So, does it stretch out if you put on weight, or does it stay the same regardless?”

That's a valid question....

[Mnemonic_Horse]

“So, does it stretch out if you put on weight, or does it stay the same regardless?”

Hmm, kinda makes you wonder doesn't it.

A cream puff splattered on his face in answer. “...Fair enough.”

From that reaction, I'd say it probably does change shape.