Twenty minutes after finishing the projects, Robert heard the approaching hum of his mother's car engine pulling into the parking spot. He watched her as she turned off the engine, got out of the car, grabbed her computer bag, and lock the car door as she walked towards the house.
"Hi, Mom!" Greeted Robert as he took a seat on the couch and turned his attention towards the television.
"Hey, Rob." His mother greeted back.
"How was your day?" He asked as he watched her lug the black computer bags to her room.
"Good." She answered. "Yours?"
"Fine"
"Today was your last day, wasn't it?"
"Eeyup."
"What did you do?"
"Just finals for fifth and sixth period."
"And how was that?" She asked as she walked out of her room.
"Fine."
"What did you do after school?"
"Clean, play, do more art. That kind of stuff."
"Good." She remarked."Do you want anything to eat?"
"Nope," Robert declined, "I just had a sandwich earlier, so I'm good."
"Alright."
Robert and his mother were not much for a big conversation when it came to talking to each other. The reason being that neither the mother nor son had anything interesting to talk about, so they didn't say much to each other.
For the rest of that afternoon Robert's thoughts left no room for anything else except the dream. There was something about it that made it burn through his mind like a hot iron through ice, easily cutting through. At the center of it was the object that appeared in the end, the relic. He kept thinking about the way it functioned, its design, why it was in his palm. What was that creature who recognized it? What does the relic do? And why was I dreaming of all of this? All these thoughts had overwhelmed Robert's mind to the point where he begun to mentally and physically suffocate. He decided to walk outside to get some fresh air, where his solitude was the night sky.
Robert found the night sky somewhat comforting, as if the sight of a black surface with small, white, shimmering lights within gave the young man somewhat of peaceful solitude. A vast, dark space spanning throughout the universe with no boundaries. He loved to look at the stars that shined bright with their own little hue of cosmic colors. Such surroundings allowed Robert to lament his thoughts, given the condition that no one was around. This was where he did most of his thinking.
Robert looked deeply into the night sky, continuing to think about his dream. "I don't know why I keep thinking about this, these dreams." He thought aloud. "These dreams are becoming so vivid, so realistic that I'm starting to actually question my reality. Is this a good thing? Or is it bad?" Robert looked down at the ground for inference before looking back at the sky. "God, I hope these thoughts won't drive me mad. But there was something about the relic. That thing's shown up in my dreams several times before, but not like this. I may just be making wild assumptions, but, what if it means something, like a message? What if these dreams have some sort of connection to reality? Is it possible?... Maybe I am losing my mind, with all these thoughts running through it. None of it seems to make any sense or show any hint of rationality." He found himself staring into black space and brought his attention back to the sky. "I'm not one to make any wishes." Robert chuckled lightly. "But, if these dreams are trying to tell me something, if there does turn out to be some sort of connection, then I wish to know what it is. I wish to find out why the relic continues to constantly appear in my dreams, and why last night's dream seems to be the only one to stand out."
As his lamenting came to close, with questions unanswered, Robert began to walk back to his apartment, turned back to take one last look at the stars, and closed the door. He knew that his questions wouldn't be answered just by simply talking to the sky, but doing so gave Robert a sense of hope.
The rest of the night was of complete insignificance to Robert. He washed the dishes, watched a little more television, took a quick shower, and got ready for bed. He had then begun to reflect the monologue from earlier. He had meant every word he had said outside, wishing to know the reasons why the relic kept appearing in his most recent dreams, wishing for an answer. Although, as he thought more about what he said, Robert developed an unsettling thought: What if the answer came, but it turned out to be one he would have never wished to know? What if the relic had some sort of evil, demonic aspect to it? Or what if there was no answer and that the whole thing was just a figment of imagination receiving too much attention? As Robert laid his head upon the pillow, his constant thinking continued to circle his mind. The thoughts haunted him as he slowly drifted into sleep, waiting for the next dream to come.
Despite the night sky starting out completely clear, it quickly became engulfed in an unnatural sea of thick grey clouds that spanned across almost all of San Diego. Soon it began to rain heavily as lightning ran through the light islands of water, which started to circulate in a vortex-like formation. Within a deep sleep, Robert began to have some unsettling agitations within his own mental solitude. His dream became infested with discomforting images of falling buildings, a body being electrocuted, some random purple-haired girl, and the relic. Robert writhed in his bed as the images flashed through his subconscious. His groans of psychological and mental discomfort were drowned out by the never ending thunder.
A hole appeared in the the center of the cloud vortex, opening wider as the lightning became more attracted to it. The hole shortly formed into a funnel that glowed with a fluctuating swirl of blue and purple as the lightning bolts streamed around the funnel and struck the earth violently. The event had caused the city lights to dim and flicker in an alternating fashion as visible electricity ran throughout every street, every telephone line, every wire. It was a storm of complete chaos.
After several moments of complete storm fire, the behavioral storm had begun to cease. The sky had cleared immediately and the city continued its nighttime occasion as if nothing had ever happened. The only thing left behind was a small area somewhere within a nearby forest that was struck by both the massive funnel and the lightning. The trees around the area were charred and charged with lingering electricity as each long trunk circling around the place was blown back, giving the area a crater-like appearance. The sight of impact was a small but noticeable indentation within the earth, steaming with rising smoke; within it, something had begin to emerge. A long, slender figure crawled out of the hole and looked about its surroundings as it moved away from the burnt area. It soon arrived to a nearby hill that overlooked over two-thirds of San Diego county. Catching sight of the city, the creature began to quicken its pace as it moved towards the nearest neighborhood, growling with laughter-like delight. However, the creature failed to notice that it did not arrive to this world alone. Back at the steaming strike site, a small female groan was made as a human arm reached out of crater and pulled out a long-haired girl connected to it.
Awww! Why all the dislikes?!!!
2818352 My guess would be the premise of the story. People judge harshly on HiE type fictions. I however, don't have the time currently to actually read and review the story, so I hope someone else can.
You could even look around the groups to find a group specifically made to review and evaluate fictions, and also giving tips on how to improve.
2818432 Well, this is supposed to be a sort of fun, adventurous, somewhat dark fan fiction. But I'm well aware about how some people react to HiE fan fictions. The reason why I chose this genre is because I saw it as an opportunity to take readers on a wild ride and introduce new concepts and elements into MLP. You know, trying to attempt to expand what we can interpret into the FiM universe. Regardless of some criticism, I'll continue to write this story and improve my style to make the it more interesting.
2818472 Often times, it's actually far better to start small, and then as you gain experience start to add on new ideas and concepts. But, so long as you learn from your mistakes, you'll do fine, albeit with a bad fiction here or there. Just keep at it and you'll develop your own style and make better and better works of fiction.
2818488 Oh, and another thing. This type of story is more of a Ponies at Earth type story. So there's not really any humans going to Equestria...physically.
I found this story exciting! But...a few problems.
1: Your title has interested me, but when I read the story, can you at least prepare the ponies an unexpected way so we can understand how it happened on his side. If not, then you might wanna speed it up.
2: DEAR CELESTIA THE FREAKING PARAGRAPHS!!! Why does it sound a lot like Equestrian Girls movie? And where's the excitement for the others? Some might need excitement in your story.
3: Last but not least...I had to read 3 chapters to realize that the ponies just came in. Long story if you ask me.
But beside that, I find it really good.
out of 5 mustaches.
2819751 Reader be warned, that's just the beginning. The next chapter is where it REALLY starts to get some excitement. And as for preparing the ponies...let's just say that I'll have a special little surprise that'll explain some of what is happening. BTW, this story takes place I guess about almost a year after Equestria Girls but has almost nothing to do with that storyline.
2819844 Wouldn't it be funny If the human walked up to Celestia, "You have magic, huh? Well I have a gun. What are you gonna do now?"
Hey there, IM INTERESTED in you. Because you manage to write quite a good bit on your first time to publish this. And I WANT to help you.
Now, I'll have to brag on this one. ( Apologise but I want this to be shorter. )
I'll be your editor if you want. Now, I have many plot stories that IS so deep that it can go over the range of over 400 thousand words.
I can help with your words, story line, and pretty much everything else. Although I cannot come up with my own comedy. I can only improve. Same goes with Sad scenes.
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Now, you must understand. That I will often stomp on your balls. Just so I can get you to see what I'm trying to get across. It is what most editors do. But I won't be too harsh as to say something like; This is bullshit I fuckin hate it.
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Your trying to introduce a 'new concept'. Of trying to expand the FiM universe. Like addin more things. Than what Was seen on the show. Actually, there is several other fics that has over 200 likes and 1 or two dislikes. Which has that concept.
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But do not fret. They may have the concept but it is still DIFFERENT from each other.
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Now what your story lacks, and the Should's and shouldn't.
There are other ways of approaching a HiE you know. And you DON'T have to have a villain right away from the beginning. Heck you don't even need a 'One big bad villain' at all. And discord is way to overused. He is better used on Comedy. And a neutral role. Basically dicking around XD. while watchin everywhere.
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Also not alot of people likes anthro ponies ._. sorry but it is how it is. It is more unique if you DON'T make them anthro. Although it will also be bad if you made the human BE THE one who gets turned into a pony instead. It's better off having the human stay...well human.
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I had aleardy thought of a better way to approach this story. But, this story is only good to become a sad one. With this plot line. I calculate it can go to a length of 10k - 15k words. If tried to be any longer. It will end up cliche.
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Look, I really mean it when I said I could think of a good plotline for any kind of genre. But I can only do HiE. But the story will BE EVEN better if it revolves around Chrysalis Or nightmare moon. ( no I don't do CLOP fics ._. )
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I'm sorry but, you need to make a new story entirely. If you are planning on going long terms with Adventure.
If you are interested in me. Message me and I shall now be your editor for the story. If your agreeing on making a new story. Message me what kind if plot line your going for. And what the OC is. And we shall discuss what we will do.
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P.S I live in japan. I could also discuss things more faster. If you add me on LINE.( iPhone app ) Or other chat websites. That can work on iPhone.
Datjapanesekid, out.
Okay, if everypony could just remain silent for just a second, I have something to say. What is up so far is merely the beginning, and already people are expecting it to be, well...not-so-good. Besides the prologue, the first two chapters are meant to introduce the one of the main protagonist characters and set him up for the story. If you guys could just give it another chapter or two to actually reveal the conflict of the story, then you can begin to criticize the story. Thank you.
A tip, if you don't appear apealing for the first time. People wont give it a chance. And they will dislike it.
First time,
"Uhhh this story isn't good DISLIKE"
2nd time ( new person, your story has gotten better at later chapters.)
"Ohh man look at all those dislikes. I'm not giving it a chance."
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But it is how it is, mostly on this site. Plus, the beginning is ALWAYS AND MOST IMPORTANT THING.
The beginning is where you will tell where the story line will go. It will tell how good you write. Sadly, most people are impatient. And cannot simply wait go have it get better.
It is why you should take your time when making chapter.
Also, I'm still open to edit your story. Or help you with a new one. Please reply.