Special Illumination

by ponichaeism

CHAPTER XVIII: Just Like Heaven

As the clockwork mechanism of the universe, the same clockwork mechanism the unicorn Starswirl was blessed with the ability to control, ticked away and rotated the world away from the sun, that celestial flame gave the sky and the clouds on the horizon one last brilliant pink burst of spiteful splendor, almost as if to taunt them with what they were giving up. The wizard picked his way through the grass towards the mill, knowing all the while that that was not the truth; the sun and the sky were entirely neutral in such matters. Rather, something in his mind had conjured up the emotion of spite and associated it with the natural philosophy around him. But what had caused it? Why did his deeper mind feel the need to see the hoof of spite at work? If such a metaphor was the weed of a deep-rooted problem, he needed to pull it out of him as soon as possible.

As he nodded to Diamond Joe in passing, he began the search within himself for the answer.

What is spite?

It is the emotion of taking pleasure in the harm of others. Often, when we find ourselves lacking in the struggle against others, we relish any victories we can get, especially those achieved through underhooved means.

Am I feeling spiteful towards Orrin Tin, because I won and he did not?

No, no, this is not a spite I am giving, but one I am receiving.

Do I fear Orrin Tin will spite me?

Undoubtedly he will, but I do not fear that, except for what it will do to himself and to the Harmony.

No, no, this is something else. Something deeper.

Spite....

He rolled the emotion around inside himself, trying to associate it with something, anything that would shed some light on his feelings of being spited.

Light....something about the light....the clouds?

Then he realized what it was: the lit clouds reminded him of the pegasi and their cloud homes, of course. And that naturally led his deeper mind to think of Mareco Polo. Long ago, he had clung to the feeling of being spited as a means of explaining why she had left him behind. It had been easy, really, since she was not there to acquit herself. He had blamed her spitefulness for her leaving, although he later realized that was only a mask for his own feelings of inadequacy. But he had clung to her spite, since he did not want to examine himself and see if he were at fault in the matter.

She is gone, he told himself. Stop clinging to her.

As the light faded from the sky, so too did he let Mareco fade from his thoughts. But no sooner had he approached the door to the darkened mill when a whisper carried on the wind to him:

"Starswirl."

He froze with his forehoof touching the door handle.

That is not her, Starswirl. That is your deeper mind conjuring sounds from nature. Let go.

Pushing the door open, Starswirl illuminated his horn. However, as the shadows raced away from his light, he glimpsed a figure moving up the stairs.

No, Starswirl. Not a figure. A shadow, that is all.

As he stepped across the threshold, he shook his head, worried about what this would do to his ascension towards the Harmony. Then he realized he was getting worried, which was just as bad. He used his horn to ignite the kindling stacked in the fireplace, then settled the half-full kettle on the hook over it. He sat on the floor to wait for it to boil.

As the water slowly boiled, his thoughts danced back to the first and, so far, only time he had felt that limitless feeling of union with the Harmony. It happened nine years prior, not too long after he'd published his account of his journey to Cath-Hay. He had come up with an unrelated scientific theorem his fellow scholars at the Academy despised, and so he and they had a bitter falling out. Wracked with anger and frustration, those unhealthy emotions built up within him until they consumed him entirely and he felt on the verge of going mad. He left all his studies behind and retreated to a small seaside village, walking away from science, philosophy, mathematics, everything, and hoped the change of pace would do him good.

As to the theory he held so strongly? He scarcely remembered it these days. Truth be told, sometimes he wondered if his mind hadn't manufactured a conflict to force him to separate himself from others.

But once he had removed himself from Varnice, removed himself from other ponies, removed any crutches he could lean on to prop up his own inner turmoil, he had been forced to confront himself. And once he had gotten over the fear, the experience had been enlightening. He had spent so many years traveling without himself, and yet traveling within was the far more fantastic voyage. Layer by layer, he had peeled back his mind and laid bare all the secrets that dwelt inside until he managed to touch, for a single moment, the innermost part of his deeper self.

The spark.

And diving into the spark brought him into the infinity it permanently joined him to. His mind had expanded in every direction until it touched every single facet of existence.

And so, after only two years of solitude, he returned to Varnice with the extensive notes he had taken, made peace with his old colleagues, and told them of what he learned. And from that basis they formulated the Harmony, with each and every scholar adding their own ideas and concepts until they had worked out and tested a unified scientific and philosophical system.

But he had never felt that connection to the purest Harmony again. He could feel the Harmony within the material world easily, but its highest form had eluded him for seven years now. By rejoining himself to the world of ponies, he was aware on some level that he had sacrificed the ease of that connection for the struggles of physicality.

He tried to remember what it had felt like again.

Like being born into a warm ocean, he recalled. Feeling it surround him, envelop him, comfort him. He smiled to himself, for he could almost feel it running along his back....

"Starswirl," whispered a voice.

His eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright, his head turning every which way to find the source of the voice. All he found, however, was the empty living room.

He breathed out and relaxed.

No wonder you have yet to reunite with the Harmony, if this is how worried you get over whispers on the wind.

Again, he felt that phantom warmth on his back. He tried to shrug it off, but he couldn't; it felt like it was buried under his coat. The feeling moved up, sliding over his shoulders. It almost felt like....

Hooves?

"Starswirl!"

He jerked up, his heart starting to pound. But he could still feel those phantom hooves, could feel a warm cheek nuzzling his own, could feel the embrace of....

Mareco?

Was he feeling her through the Harmony? It united everypony, after all, and reaching out to her was just a matter of massive effort--

No, Starswirl, you're doing this to yourself. You are creating these sights and sounds and feelings.

The kettle started steaming on the hearth fire. He nodded to himself as he tried to get his breathing under control.

It's not Mareco Polo, Starswirl. You are craving her, and it is bringing you heartache.

Starswirl breathed out.

Yes. Yes, I am clinging to her. I will need to-to meditate at length and purge these lingering emotions.

He magicked the kettle off its hook on the hearth and extinguished the fire with his magic. Then he levitated the kettle, three cups, and an unopened pouch of tea leaves out the door. He stepped into the cool night air as the darkness settled over the land and took another deep breath.

As he closed the door and started towards the town hall again, he recited the names of the attributes like a mantra, focusing on drawing strength from them. He had overcome himself before, and he could do it again. He would not worry about losing all the hard effort he had put into working towards the Harmony these past seven years, for it was all useful in its own way. As a learning experiment, perhaps. In fact, he might even--

"Starswirl!" came the mare's voice again.

He jumped, sending the things he was carrying to the ground. The cups broke instantly, but the kettle landed upright with a thump and the pouch remained sealed.

Trembling against his higher will, he levitated the kettle and pouch off the ground, then magically lifted up the cup fragments and put them into a pile of garbage alongside Carmine's house. As he did, he could have swore he saw something flit through the forest.

Wiping his brow clean of sweat, he thought, Get a hold of yourself, Starswirl.

He thought about going back into the mill to get another set of cups, but as soon as he opened the door again and saw the darkness yawning wide beyond it, he slammed it shut, turned tail, and fled, all the while knowing how foolish he was being for not confronting his fears.

What had he said to Clover about putting off things until tomorrow?