Notifaction:Editor postion filled! First Chapter has been fixed.
This is a story about how I met met the love of my life, Milotic
Come on this story isn't just bout me and you
It is mostly
not really
Fine, how bout this is a story when a Dragonair is caught a a pony and subsequently falls in love with a Milotic?
still too much emphases on us, what about Zoey and Angel?
FINE, this is a story about a pony loving dragonair and his adventurers in equestria. happy now?
yes, now come cuddle
(a purely for fun self instert, Teen for saucy parts here and there)
Chapters (3)
Well, that's all I need to know.
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Poor spelling, bad grammar, and an admitted self insert. Also, your description sucks. The milotic text made my eyes bleed, and the lack of speech marks made me wish to excise the part of my brain that handles punctuation. Also, the descriptive field of 'character yammers at reader' is not well received by the average viewer, and it is doubtful that many will bother to look past this description. The 'purely for the fun of self interion' tag was just the 'Oh, btw, I totally have herpes' icing on the cake.
So, let's take the plunge and violate common sense by clicking that little link marked 'Paralysis', shall we? Immediately we are smacked around the face by what is, frankly, a story opening straight out of a bad RP chat. The character is introduced without warning, immediately babbling to the reader about his lack of arms. It's not intriguing, it's not even particularly interesting, and in fact I found myself wishing the man was simply hallucinating from blood loss after I removed the extraneous limbs from his retarded frame. He doesn't need those arms, right? Regardless, it's a weak and nonsensical opening, but things aren't going to improve as the chapter progresses.
Now, the pokespeak is the second thing that is thrust into our faces, much like the penis of a weeks unwashed homeless man in a back alley, and with much the same reception. Was it necessary to repeat the pokemons' names ad nauseum in addition to the translations? This is especially annoying when the speech patterns don't match up to anything they supposedly say, so 'Dragonair' can mean precisely what you want it to at any given time. This makes the pokespeak sections completely redundant, and you might as well cut it in favour of actual conversation between the pokemon.
You seem unable to use punctuation effectively, so here's a few tips from uncle Sunder...
If it's a question, you end the sentence with a fucking question mark!
Asterisks are used to add footnotes, not to show actions. If a character is taking an action in the middle of conversation, you end their line and describe them taking the action!
Lastly, you should know that the 'brony in Equestria' concept has been done to death. I have seen 'Human in Equestria' done well despite how poorly that genre is viewed by a significant portion of the readers on this site, but I have never seen a Brony in Equestria fic that was executed well. Not a single one. This was not an exception, and if you think turning said brony into a dragonair will fool anyone for even a second... well, you have a very low opinion of the people on this site, and I would encourage you to lessen your contempt for your fellow man. Try reading a book sometime. Take note of grammatical rules and individual writing styles, and how punctuation is used. If necessary, look them up, to ensure you are writing in a way that is intelligible to others.
Lastly, proof read your work. Get others to look at it. Dear gods, use spellcheck, and make sure you read your own work at least three times through before posting it. As of right now, my verdict on this piece is
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Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew ew.
Are you serious right now? Seriously?
I don't even know where to START with you.
Alright, alright alright alright. So. First thing's first.
Kiss. Of. Death.
Right there.
This is not the place for something like this. You should probably stick it
in the nearest dumpster and burn iton fanfiction.net in the Pokemon section.I'm sorry, this is just horrific. Solid text wall, utterly incomprehensible, zero plot, typos out the ass... It honestly looks like you added a bunch of pokemon and pony words to your phone's autocorrect and just cockslapped the keyboard repeatedly, then posted the result. This can't be justified. Like, at all. I'm not sure if you're seven years old or not, but even if you were, this is still just utterly unjustifiable.
What is this? What IS this? You can't be serious. If the English language were a child, it would have been taken away from you due to abuse the likes of which has not been seen since Debra Fucking Luptak. Awful punctuation and grammar, wrong form of words, just plain wrong words, AUTHOR'S NOTES INSIDE THE FUCKING TEXT?!
No.
Just no.
Step away from the word processor, pack up your computer and return it to the store, because you have proven that not only are you not responsible enough to own a computer, you are now on probation until a judge can determine whether or not you are responsible enough to be allowed to use hands.
Kill it.
With fire!
FROM ORBIT!
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the people that disliked this are assholes
2145986 No, we simply paid attention during English class.
2146020 so what i suck a spelling but i don't care it depends on the story not the spelling you doush bag
2145986
It is hard to think of a comment more vacuous than this, although I suspect Youtube may be capable of providing. Would you care to elaborate on why you feel this story is good enough to deserve upvoting? I mean, I would really enjoy liking this story, but as it stands... it sucks. Hard. Can you convince me otherwise? Please, continue, and easy on the generalizations this time.
2146033 Except that spelling isn't the only thing you learn in English class. You're also taught how to properly format paragraphs, how to set out dialogue correctly, and, of course, how to write coherent sentences.
Well, it's not a very bad story, although like most the spelling is the most obvious issue. It also went a bit too fast, try focusing on details a bit more, and really read it through for any spelling and grammatical errors, and you should be good to go and well off to a great story!
Holy shit what is this doing here.
2145565>>2145666>>2145725>>2146020>>2146020
really really I'm that fucking bad that the only positivecomments I get are hidden bacuse everyone hates them too? And now no will even fucking read it because it's got so meny bad reveiws. and if you really can't take the term "self insertion" with out a dirty mind then what should I change it too? This really makes me sad............ half of the replies I get are gunna be nasty and if this story sucks that bad I guess I desver it
2146035 hey sam, this story reallly sucks don't it
2145986
2146336
1. The positive comments aren't really positive comments as they are ad hominem attacks on people who are stating valid points about your story without giving any reason as to why they like your story.
2. Begging for pity is only going to fair worse with others. If you want to handle this criticism like a mature adult, write a better story (or even rewrite this one) using the tips that these people gave you so you can earn their respect and be seen as a good, respectable writer amongst FIMFiction.
2146355
You now what fine I'lll make it perfectly generic so my voice isn't sence at all Fuck why don't I write it in third in sted of first person I am honesty lossing my faith in hummainity. so just shut up for a while!
2146365 So much for acting like a mature adult.
2146374 your right....
After cracking open this story, this was my reaction:
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Honestly, this is hideous. That said, I don't have much to add onto what Sunder and Barata said. Damn you two for always beating me to the punch!
2146035
>sertain
Please tell me that was intentional
2146336
Bro, the problem with the term "self-insertion" is because it's a SELF-INSERT. Self inserts are just... well that. You're inserting yourself, using the story as a form of gratification, a form of escape. The only Self-Inserts I've seen done well involve massive amounts of random ass comedy, so much so that you forget it's a self insert. There's maybe two or three I know of that do this.
This... isn't filled with comedy. It isn't well written. It isn't witty, funny, or any of those things. It's cliche in just about every goddamn way possible, and I'm sure we could find no less than 10 other stories with a near identical plot.
Originality, buddy. That's what you need to get a good story. Unless it's a stupid ass clop story, but you would just have yours' downvoted into oblivion so I DON'T ADVISE DOING THAT.
If you want my advice? Drop the X gets ponyfied or some shit and sent into Equestria. That's been beaten to death by now and there's not very much you can do to stand out with that deal anymore. I advise trying your hand at a non-crossover, non-XinEquestria story. Perhaps go for an adventure fic featuring a lesser known pony. Hell, if you want a challenge, write solely about one of the lesser known species, like the Zebras or the Griffons or something like that. Make your own universe, "world build". Add character, backstory, and life to those other species, because that type of story isn't done often, not well at least. Should you pull it off well, it could easily be featured material.
To further this, I advise joining this group, or at least reading through some of the stories in its folders.
Also, get an editor to help you proofread your story and advise you on the plot and characters so it feels better and is better received. I can help you with this if you need.
Regardless, whatever you do, please don't write stories like this one... there's enough already.
I don't see why people hate it so much
sure it has a few problems here and their but I still like it
let's just give this person time to make adjustments and enjoy this because I really like this keep up the good work and I enjoy that fallflower enjoys it as well
2146365
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For the love of god, get off your high horse and take some damn criticism. You ain't gonna win any hearts acting like that.
*Sees the dislikes and checks the comments*
...
...
2146402 Did you not read Sunder's or Barata's comments?
2146482 yeah but just because two people point out problems (which i said there were problems) but still just because they dont like it doesnt mean that i cant like it. sure it seems rushed but i have a good feeling that it will get better over time. who cares if its a self insert,you can make a self insert when you just put in your oc am i right
what im getting at is i dont care, ok hes just going to fix his problems and make it better so frankly i dont care i still like it and we'll just see if it gets better over time ok
2146413sadly he's right man
just calm down and take what they say and turn it into things that you can fix ok i do it all the time with my stories
2146509 But the difference is that while Sunder and Barata provided examples of why they didn't like the story, no one (you included) gave any reason as to why they liked it, instead saying that it was just good. Please, provide in depth examples of why this fic is good, namely why these good things outweigh the bad. Otherwise, your comment will only look like empty praise as an attempt to make the author feel better about their story, which isn't constructive in the slightest.
2146534
*sigh* fine ok
why i like it=it has good potential,i can see that this person is trying to do something that others wouldn't (namely self insert because i haven't seen any as far as ive seen) and it looks actually enjoyable and i would like to see more,
problems=its rushed out the ass.it didnt have any kind of build up and the description didn't help at all for the whole 'pokemon/mlp' world.i see a couple of things wrong here and there like spelling errors but he can fix those.
all in all i would like to see where this goes im kinda just starting out myself but i've read my fare share of good stories so i should kinda know but well i can still like it even if people say that its bad i still like it
*sigh*
Right, my brain and what's left of my sanity isn't going to thank me for this.
HERE I GO
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We have derailment. No survivors. Seriously, dude? That is no way to start a story! Let us proceed, then...
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OH SWEET CELESTIA THE POKESPEAK IS DRIVING JACKHAMMERS THROUGH MY CRANIUM
Use italics, you idiot! It's a way better alternative!
WHAT AM I EVEN READING?
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You know what, fuck it. It'd be more productive of me to run at a wall for the rest of my life than reading this.
I'm off to write a crossover.
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It's not too good, and the people below me explained why, but don't give up. Keep working on your writing and you will get better
Oh my, that's bad.. you should feel ashamed for writing this.
Actually, I'm letting you off WAY too easily. The grammar.. no, EVERYTHING is atrocious in this story. I'm actually DEATHLY surprised that this story was passed. Jesus Christ, I need to go gouge my eyes out and wash them with bleach.
2145725
This is my new favorite analogy.
As for you, the writer... well, I don't have anything to add about the story itself. I will tell you, however, that constructive criticism is a writer's lifeblood. Without it, you writing will stagnate and shrivel. Believe me, I've written my share of terrible stories, and I've had my share of rough reviews, so I know how it feels to have your work torn apart and feel like everyone's ganging up on you. But I've also learned through experience to take their comments into consideration, and as a fellow writer, I advice you to do the same. This isn't to say that every piece of criticism leveled at you will be good, but I've found I usually get more gems than dung heaps from writers who want to help.
While I don't necessarily agree with the methods of some of these reviewers, at the core, I believe they're trying to give you good advice. So my advice to you is to separate the harsh language, insults, and hollow praise from the advice people give and take the advice into consideration.
Did I really use the word "advice" three times in that sentence?
Anyways, good luck!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
There's a difference between giving criticism and just overreacting entirely and putting
someone down just because you can.
There's no need to be a total jerk to the guy, okay, so his story doesn't float your boat,
then just downvote and leave. If you're going to give him advice, try to remember that you're
talking to another human being here, it may surprise you but they to have feelings.
Honestly, some people are basically saying "you are the dumbest person on the planet,
I can't believe you even attempted to make a story!" This is the brony fandom? Honestly,
if this is what majority of us are like, I'm not surprised a lot of people hate us.
I understand taking criticism, but really, couldn't people just tell him that his grammar needs
lots of work and tell him what's what, what's the point of adding all these little things.
"Kill it with fire."
"Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew ew." etc.
People here talk about being mature adults and taking criticism like a man, idk what world you guys
live in but "mature" adults don't walk around telling aspiring writers their work should be burned.
I think that's more along the line of "childish" adults with temper tantrums.
"WAAAAH I DON'T LIKE THIS, so i'm going to criticize you but also tell you how stupid you are
while adding in some extra insults because it's the right thing to do to "toughen" you up!"
I'm not saying the writer is in the right either, he definitely wasn't mature about this. Still I think you
guys should loosen up, criticize him sure, but don't make him feel like total crap.
FINE, this is a story about a pony loving dragonair and his adventurers in equestria. happy know?
needs to be now, not know
I LIKE IT
2146336
In hindsight, I kinda feel bad, but seriously, you can do better than this. Get people to proof read your work, and I feel a lot of your issues will clear up, provided the proofreaders are competent. Use spellcheck, for the love of god... this is 2013. Microsoft Word has been around since 1983, and I don't think 'insterion' was a word back then, either. I'd be willing to proof read some of your work, if you want... as you can see, I don't really hold any punches, especially when I'm tired, but I'd like to help out if I can. As some have said, this idea isn't intrinsically bad, it's just that the execution is sorely lacking. That can be fixed. Works can be edited, reshaped, and reimagined. Hell, a take on the whole issue that Pokemon training is essentially enslavement followed by brainwashing of sapient beings from the perspective of Fluttershy could be interesting. Or even from the perspective of a proud dragonair captured by a reluctant Fluttershy in a moment of weakness.
In that regard, you would have the interesting conflict between the proud Pokemon who resents his trainer for his capture, and the reluctant trainer who honestly wants to help him, but doesn't fully understand the mind of a dragon. Throw in a pinch of social conformity in a world where Pokemon training is normal, and you have a powder keg of potential heartwarming moments, at the very least. It'd be like Ash trying to get the love and understanding of Pikachu, only with the adorableness of Fluttershy and the fiery spirit of a dragon. So this concept isn't a terrible idea... it just needs work, and you need to practise. A lot. As I said, I'd be willing to help, if you want it. Send me a PM some time, I'm honestly not an ogre, just a mildly sarcastic slacker.
2146035 I think this is a good story if you like pokemon i have some poke clubs on my page if you like pokes
2147484 You know, if you want to properly insult someone, you should try your best to not sound like you have Downs.
2147484
Does it not seem a mite hypocritical to go around baselessly insulting others for being 'doush bags' and stating their opinions on a story which are at odds with yours? That is prime douche bag behaviour, is it not?
2147484 fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/243/f/8/jensen_facepalm_by_gomios13-d48efuv.jpg
If you're going to go around whining and insulting people like a six-year-old, at least take the time out to read a dictionary, so you can at least do it properly.
2147743 Adults don't spell "adult" wrong. Not to mention, they also know where the shift and punctuation keys are on their keyboard.
2147743
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2147743 Damn, let me tell you, all those flutterrage emoticons are really intimidating.
2147923 sarcasm?
2147929 denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2379-99229_-_animated_applejack_Applelie_liarjack_what_.gif
OK I think I fixed the grammar and spelling I'll try and get more background info and exposition in the next chapter
i like it! i like it! i honestly like it!
2150106 thank you,
so your a ponymoner tooo eh
2148151 Can you put some fire in it too? Like all around it, and on it, incinerating it, so it can never bee read again.
yeah. some other pokemon fic i read are A Pokemon Problem, Burning Souls, A Pony out of Place, A Ghost of a Chance, Poke Fans in Equestria, Heart of Steel, The Hero of Altomare, and Friendship, magic and pokémon to name a few.
