Chapter one. Olden times
.Twilight was in the royal library. She looked for magic books; she had read all the books in her library and was on the hunt for new ones. Twilight rarely came to the royal library, but never paid too much attention to it. It was a large library, with two floors. The interior looked like a rain drop failing from the sky; Big and round at the bottom, and small and pointy at the top. The library was scattered with stained glass windows from the times Twilight and her friends saved Equestria from certain doom/chaos.
“Magic, magic, magic. There’s not very much here… ironically.” Twilight said to herself. She carefully read the books like an eagle on the hunt for mice. She moved quickly through the library, as if going faster would help. The library was stuffed to the brim with book but Twilight was having difficulties finding books she hasn’t read. She read through the titles of the books.
“Easy magic for fillies, Magic 101, Magic for dummies, The magic games, Magic; gotta learn it all, The fourth wall by Pinkimena Diane Pie.” Twilight kept looking thought the books but still nothing of interest.
Twilight was just beginning to learn the life of a princess. It had been to months since she got her wings. A lot happed. Rainbow dash and Fluttershy gave lessons to the purple mare about flying… not much success. Rarity had to rebuild her boutique because three little fillies tried to earn their ‘Fire Building Cutie Marks’. So Twilight helped…then yelled at the fillies afterward. Apple jack needed to raise ANOTHER barn. This time they were making a watermelon farm. And Pinkie pie needed help making cupcakes…no surprise.
As these memorises flashed through Twilight’s head, she found a book that caught her eye. Something about this book made her wonder. “The gate way” it read. Twilight never heard of the book before, so she wanted to see what it was about. Twilight engulfed the book in magic, trying to pull it out of the shelf. The book was very hard to pull out, as if somepony was pulling on the other end! But soon Twilight yanked the book out. Falling to the floor, she saw a hidden door open. Sitting up and rubbing her head, Twilight stood up a trotted to the door and looked inside. The room was lit by two torches on the wall. It was obvious that somepony was here earlier. The walls in the room were made of stone bricks. The bricks looked like they were hoof made and old. The bricks were crumbling apart. There was a wall north of Twilight that was different.
The wall was a single, large, smooth and heavy stone tile. There was a symbol on the wall. It was the symbol for a teleportation spell. She walked up to the door and knocked on it. There was another room behind it. So she used the teleportation spell to get to the other side.
The following room was identical to the last room, except the symbol on the next wall was different. This went on for about 60 spells. Twilight did a spell then went to the next room.
Eventually, Twilight got to a spell that really confused her. It was a symbol to a spell ONLY the princesses knew. Twilight wondered where this was going. She performed the spell, then the wall fell revealing a large room with a single book in it. Now it REALLY didn’t make sense. She did all those spells, all that time to get to a single book. She began slowly advancing to the book.
She felt tightness in her chest as she walked up to the book. Princess Celestia never hides a book from other ponies, ESPECIALLY with so much security. The room was made of more stone bricks, with a couple of stone pillars. The room was lit by torches. Twilight walked up to the book. It was open. Twilight closed it and read the title. “The story of King Sombra.” Twilight didn’t know much of King Sombra, Princess Celestia never told her about him. Twilight opened the book and read aloud.
“Chapter One. Biography
One thousand years ago. There was a pony that went by the name of Sombra. It was a nick name for him given by his mother. His real name is Sunbrass. At birth and up until the age of 13, he was called Sunbrass due to his coat and mane color. He had a blond mane and a brass colored coat.
He was an apprentice of Princess Celestia. He has an extensive knowledge of magic. He went to royal gatherings with the princess and other social events. At the age of 13 he wished to be called a new name. Sunbrass was too child-ish and he was growing up quickly. His mother liked Sombra because it sounded similar to his first name.
With a new name, he also got a new life. He also wished for more knowledge in magic. So the princess gave him all the books he wanted. The more he read, the more he craved magic. It got to a point where he started used ‘Dark Magic’. It was forbidden from use. But that didn’t stop Sombra, no it only made it worse. Soon he found a spell that gave the user an endless life. As long as the horn remained in contact…the spell would continue. Even if that pony died one hundred times , the spell would bring them back. He tried the spell proving success. But nopony messes with Dark Magic and gets away with it. He had a curse laid upon him. The curse dyed his mane and coat black, and he craved other’s hatred and misery. That whole day was spent reading more on Dark Magic. By the next day, he gained the ability to turn into a puff of smoke, regeneration and resistance to any weather. But again Dark Magic took its toll. He can turn into a puff of smoke, he walked very slowly. When his horn is broken but his body is in tacked, he can grow his horn back. Love and light physically hurt him. Resistance to any weather, he always grew crystals’ under his hooves every time he walked.
His crave for hatred and misery grew overwhelming. He attacked the royal palace. Quickly fear and hatred spread quickly across Canterlot. Ponies ran everywhere in attempt to flee the darkness flooding overhead. On that day Princess Celestia was not seen, only Princess Luna stepped up to plate.
The young princess made too many attempts to attack Sombra. A little curse was laid upon the young princess. She began to feel hatred that ponies didn’t respect her night. But for the longest time, she kept silent about it. Sombra loved the fear and hatred from Canterlot. So he travelled town to town causing mass fear and hatred throughout Equestria. He left other towns with fear of his return and hatred to one another due to pure fear.
Both royal princesses were powerless against Sombra. So he kept terrorising towns. But Sombra needed more. He soon realized that the more fear and hatred there is toward him… the more power he gains.
Sombra soon heard about the Crystal Empire and how it spreads emotions through all of Equestria. He made way to the Crystal Empire as soon as possible. Meanwhile both of the royal princesses were debating on how to defeat Sombra. There is only one way to fight Dark Magic…with Dark Magic. Both princesses were hesitant; Dark Magic can even affect the royal princesses.
But soon it became clear that, that is what they must do. They created a spell to give tremendous power. The spell proved success. The spell had created 6 element that when put together are unstoppable. The elements were called: Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Honesty, Laughter, and Magic. The spell also made it so, the element are light magic and have no negative side effects. But it did come at a price. As for Princess Celestia, nothing happened. But as for Princess Luna, her feeling of disrespect grew tremendously. But again the princess kept quiet about it.
By the time the royal princesses arrived in the Crystal Empire, things changed. Sombra went by a new name; King Sombra. He took control and royalty of the empire. Everypony was a slave working for King Sombra. You could smell the fear and hatred. “
Twilight was so involved in this book; she didn’t hear hoof steps behind her.
“With all there might, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna used the Elements of harmony against King Sombra. He was destroyed and was banished to the Artic of the north. Before going King Sombra’s last words were-“
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Princess Celestia yelled.
Twilight jumped back from the sudden outburst of the princess.
“How DARE you go into this place and read that book!” Princess Celestia fumed.
“I-I’m P-Princess Celestia, I didn’t know this was off limits.” Twilight walked to the corner of the room.
“I NEVER hind things from my royal subjects…this book is very dangerous. King Sombra curse the book so whomever’s eyes touch the book, that are not me and my sister, he will follow that pony. And force fear and hatred from them.” Twilight swallowed hard, she now stood in the corner of the room fearing her princess.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“Well sorry won’t help. Stay with me at ALL times. You never know when King Sombra will come back.”
The princess walked to the door. Twilight was about to follow her when a mysterious black blanket of dark fog surrounded Twilight, forcing air out and restricting movement. This was followed by the head of a pony. Twilight fought to breathe. The pony picked her up swallowed her, and was gone.
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2472513 That's rather insulting...
2472513
Hey man! Don't be leavin' me hangin'!
2472531 You're right. It really was. Don't worry, though, I forgive you.
2472558
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Owie. This just isn't very good, I'm afraid to say. You don't bother to describe... well, anything. What does the royal library look like? I can picture a white box with a lot of books piled at one end. Maybe a nice red rug. The point is, I just don't know, so I'm having to picture what I'd do for a royal library, when it's your job as a writer to paint the scene. What does the SombraBook(tm) look like? Uh... huh. When did Celestia enter the library? Oh, right, we never actually get to see that. It's really dull to read, like a book marketed at toddlers, so please, set the scene adequately, use emotion, and try not to tell us everything.
Show vs Tell is a big problem in writing, especially fanfiction. Here's a link. Your writing contains far too much telling, hence your complete lack of description, which causes the pacing to be incredibly fast. The story of Sombra could have been a hundred times more interesting if you'd bothered with actual dramatic pacing, maybe stretched this out to 3k words or so, before having Twilight cursed, so there's some actual tension to it. As it is, the whole thing happens so fast that it's actually a complete anticlimax. There's not tension whatsoever, we're just kinda thrust into this, told some kinda boring stuff from The Life And Times Of Sunbrass, then Celestia poofs into existence, causing Twilight to have a fainting spell. I know that last one wasn't entirely accurate, but it happens so fast that I just don't care about the situation enough.
Your opening line is abysmal, though, sorry to say that.
That's right up there with 'One day' and 'Once upon a time' for the most dull openers to a story ever. It's about as gripping as a greased noodle, and provokes a kind of 'yes... and?' reaction. This ties in with your apparent inability to describe things, because if you had bothered, this might be more interesting to a prospective reader.
Sorry, bored now
.
~Lord Sunder, Freelance Lurking Madman
2472558-.-
This hurt to read. There was nothing to describe...well ... anything...
Even the description of the story made little sense.
2472601 Thank you. Thank you, this is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism unlike La Barata. I will definitely fix it next chapter/fanfic.
2472640
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2472513
dude posting tat isnt funy u douche
anyway, i thot it could just use alil work an then it would be rlly good!
keep goin!
2472640
If you want any help, message me and I'm sure we can work something out
Edit: Oh, here's a resource on sentence structure, which I believe you are in need of, although I would encourage you to look up your own writing aids. They're a google search away, seriously. Impishidea is good, too.
2473107 That's why I like your reviews on fics with low ratings - you use constructive criticism and not flaming.
2473229
Thank yah kindly
2473100 Go away, distrance
I read the whole of the first chapter of this story, and from what I can see, I'm not impressed. Now, when I'm reading, I often find a voice for the narrator; In this case, it was a thirty-something year old nursery school teacher reading a 'Spot' book in the tone of voice i'd reserve for reading the instruction manual for a washing machine. Most of your. Sentences are too short. And don't end. In the right places. For instance:
Should read more like
"Twilight Sparkle was in the Royal Library, looking for magic books. She had read all of the books in her library many times, and was hunting for something more novel to sate her need for new knowledge."
While my writing isn't the best by a long shot, it reads better than your opening sentence, which told us little about your main characters motivation. Simply that Twilight was reading. Come to think of it... I know nothing about the space shes reading in when this story starts. I know what its called, and that's about it. This lack of description turns the story into a list of facts and statements, and makes it incredibly boring to read. Lord Sunder was right here. Show, don't tell is important and you need to learn this when you write this.
As this is a story that is going to revolve around Sombra, your introduction has to absolutely develop him as a character that the readers can sympathize with, or someone that they can hate, depending on whether you are going to portray him as a villain, or a redeemable character. Your... list of facts about him again does nothing to make me identify with him. Its just dull.
However, if you can improve this, there may be a glimmer of hope for this story. I kind of liked the idea you were trying for here: flesh out your writing with descriptions, fix the sentence structure, and work on the back story for your supporting main character, and this might just interest me.
2472513 My sentiment exactly...
2473100
I know La Barata is probably supposed to respond to this, but I felt that it needs to be said.
2473417 Thanks a ton. It's thanks to you people who help me become better as a writer. As for right now, I'm going to keep it on the site but I'll be 'backstage' making it better. Thank you so much.
2473107 Again thank you for the help. I'm sure I might come to you for help. If you missed my other comment I said: "I'll keep it on the site but i'll be work 'backstage'." I'm going to redo this because I have a LOT of negative feedback.
And trust me, this was a tad bit rushed so I didn't read over it. But now I'm going to take my time to work. Thank you so much.
2473417
*whether
I don't know why all the hate is here. I rather enjoyed this, though it had a grammar, spelling, and punctuation problem, it was a pretty good read. This fic isn't as bad as a lot of the other fics where there seems to be up to no knowledge of proper anything. Giving a thumbs up, but it could use a l'il cleaning.
2474535
I'd like to think Kale and I did a decent job of helping this along, at least.
Because constructive criticism is clearly hate. Clearly.
2473291 No problem!
Though I admit, sometimes I go to stories with low ratings just to look at the comments.
2474940 No, what I meant by hate is stuff like La Barata posted, not constructive criticism.
The storyline itself is quite good, but you really need to work on combining your sentences, as well as detail. You also need to work a little bit on grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I hope to see improvement of this story in the future.
3444568 Yeah I'm doing my best to work on that.... Glad you like it though :)
Very interesting, I would like to see more.