So here I am. Wherever this is. Alone yet again. Woe is me! What do I dddooo… just kidding. In all honesty, who cares?
Please don’t feel sorry for me folks, as that ‘tragic’ state of affairs neatly sums up the majority of my meaningless adult life. Not to mention my angsty, zit-popping teens. And my much-neglected childhood. Want me to draw you a diagram?
In fact, the most living, breathing people I’ve ever been around was probably on the ‘blessed’ day I was pooped out into this ‘wonderful’ world, in a room full of screaming, bawling bedwetters.
No, not the MLP fandom upon learning much-beloved unicorn Twilight Sparkle was about to sprout a pair of lavender wings during her merchandise-inspired story-driven induction into princesshood (far be it for me to mock them, I was one of those ‘overemotional idiots’ swearing and cursing at my widescreen as The Horrible Event unfolded. ”Everything will be just fine” my pale, hairy arse. In hindsight, a slight overreaction.)
I of course, mean that place at the hospital where they stick all the babies side-by-side so the gushing and gurning parents can admire their new droolers thru transparent glass. Just thinking back to those days… I-I…
Well, I don’t remember a thing. I’m not one of those freaks who claims to recall every aspect of his birth y’know? Because that would be disgusting.
The point is, that was my start in life. A clean slate. A new beginning. I was surrounded by potential friends I hadn’t even met yet, and the entire world was mine for the taking. And what did I do with this precious gift…?
Why, proceed to alienate nearly everyone around me, even before I learned to walk. Phrases like ‘Difficult Child’, ‘Needs Supervision’ and ‘Crash Diet’ were bandied around like catchy advertising slogans, but did I pay any attention?
The fact that I just got outsmarted by a 9 year old (hang on, was there a TV show called something like that?), find myself stuck in this insufferable form and have made pretty much the Worst. Possible. Decision at every single turn since entering the ‘utopia’ of Equestria should clue you into the answer there.
Hey, if I’ve already succeeded in pissing off everyone on my home planet, why not go for double or nothing, where the stakes get really high? It’ll be much tougher in this dayglo world, where Friendship rules supreme and any hint of negativity is quickly quashed like an overripe tomato… but if anyone can do it, I can!
Pull yourself together, Nigel. Just because things haven’t exactly gone according to plan so far, it doesn’t mean you l can’t turn them around right now! All you have to do is start thinking like someone who’s got half a brain cell, quit making references to old Pone episodes which’ll just confuse others and find someone who’ll be willing to listen to your tragic tale of sadness, regret and still being a pathetic virgin into your 20’s. Although, the last one is kinda unforgivable…
Okay okay, inner motivational monologue. I do appreciate what you’re trying to do… but maybe, quit while you’re ahead?
However, for the most part, you’re absolutely correct! All I have to do is track down an individual with gravitas who won’t think I’m completely nutso after a five minute conversation (a big ask, I know) and we can get this show back on the road!
I messed up my chance with Starlight, but that was because I was distracted by my annoying parents. It won’t happen again, I’d bet my last can of beer on it! (Well, Cozy’s parents, but an apt description for my real Ma and Pa too.)
First of all though, I have some unfinished business to take care of… and ‘business’ is indeed the operative word here. I dunno what my ol’ pal Cozy was eating before taking my beautiful body on a joyride into another dimension, but it’s enough for both a number 1 and 2.
Dear reader, how I wish I was talking about the selections on a Chinese takeaway menu, or tickets for the queue at the Post Office, but alas it is neither.
Could you maybe… avert your eyes a bit? I’m just going over to this hedge for a second. I see it’s a nice leafy shrub, which in no way factors into my decision.
Just… get lost, okay? If you want a detailed description of an equine child emptying their bowels, then sorry pal: you’re reading the wrong fic. I’m sure there are plenty of others out there willing to cater to your um, ‘specialist’ fetish. Whatever, I try not to judge!
For now, just leave me be. Hey, look over there! We can ‘touch base’ as soon as I’ve finished wiping my ar…gh!
Go! Go! Focus on the plot, not me! Wait, what did I just say…
………………………..
Meanwhile, not so far away, a pair of adult pegasi happened to be passing. They’d done a spot of sightseeing, had just enjoyed a homemade picnic and were now on their way to drop in on their rather famous daughter for a surprise visit.
Although, whether this could be classified as a ‘surprise’ or ‘shock’ depends on which generation of the family you speak to.
“I keep telling you Windy, as beautiful as Equestria at ground level looks from the sky, nothing compares to being here in pony.” Bow Hothoof commented to his wife, as he stared around at the greenery in awe. “There’s just something about seeing the flowers bloom and birds chirping in Spring, that you just don’t get in Cloudsdale... H-Huh? Are you listening to me, dear? It seems as though your mind is elsewhere.”
“Hmm? Sorry darling, you’re absolutely right. I was just wondering why every creature we’ve tried talking to since our arrival has rushed off really quickly. Even that homeless mule we offered to share our lunch with made a quick exit as soon as we began speaking. He didn’t even stay long enough to collect his doggy bag! Is there… something wrong with us, do you think?” Windy Whistles had been looking forward to conversing with some of the locals, but apparently the enthusiasm wasn’t mutual.
“My love, one thing you must’ve learned by now is that not everypony will ever realise how fabulous and perfect our Rainbow Dash truly is. It is our sworn duty as loving parents to inform all creatures great and small of her glorious achievements, and if they don’t ‘get it’ then that’s their problem not ours, don’t you agree?” Bow tried putting things in perspective for his agitated wife with a smile and a wink. “Now, let us continue our earthbound trek. Don’t forget: it’s all for a good cause!”
“Yet again Bow, you’ve completely set my mind at ease and reminded me of what’s really important, all in less than a minute! How do you do it?” Windy ruffled the multi-coloured mane of her beloved with appreciation. “That idea of Scootaloo’s to raise money for pegasi who can’t fly was so great, it could only come from the protege of our elite Wonderbolt. A thirty mile trot on a sunny day without using our wings, and nearly every one of our neighbours signed up! Amazing!”
“It’s for a worthy charity on a beautiful day and we get to exercise our hooves for a change… what’s not to like about it?” Bow remarked with pride, before saying in a somewhat sneakier voice. “And as an added bonus, we even got to pick our route! Isn’t it such a fortunate coincidence that it finishes just by the School Of Friendship, when Professor Rainbow is about to take her first class? Funny how things work out, isn’t it?!”
“I couldn’t pack the ‘BEST TEACHER EVER’ banners fast enough, and I just can’t wait to meet some of the lucky young minds she’ll be shaping into the future!” As if to illustrate her point, Windy almost took off in excitement then for an aerial loop-de-loop, but luckily just managed to control herself. “Whoever we see though will naturally pale in comparison to our little miracle. I do kind of miss Rainbow at that age, dear… sometimes now, I get the feeling that our cheering and encouraging her in whatever she does seems to annoy her a little.”
“Yes, I was there when she chewed us out in the Wonderbolts locker room. Even though she apologised later, I did still get the impression she was kind of embarrassed by all the attention we gave her back then.” Bow paused to think for a second about the recent past. “It’s such a shame we’ll never get to recapture those special memories again, but with both our careers keeping us busy we didn’t get the chance to have the second foal we really wanted. If only, there was some other way…”
Windy was about to respond sympathetically to her husband’s wish, when suddenly a rustling ahead in the bushes made her ears prick up.
“Bow, what’s that noise?”
“I didn’t hear anything, Windy. Are you sure it wasn’t just a stray breeze?”
“Darling, I’ve spent 95% of my life in the air. I know what a breeze sounds like, and that was no breeze!”
“Well even if it wasn’t the wind, what else could it be that’s got you so on edge? A Breezie? A cute bunny, if we should be so lucky. I knew I should’ve taken my camera…”
“Well ‘dear’, I don’t know. Bandits, perhaps?”
“B-Bandits, you say? Gee, I-I never thought of that. Hey, maybe we should go this way instead! There’s a lovely stream which seems ideal for filling up our water bottles…”
But it was already too late for the clearly nervous couple to change their plans. A tinyish figure emerged unassuming from the vegetation, humming merrily to themselves whilst doing so. They’d just finished dabbing a plucked leaf to a certain delicate part of their anatomy, and was just in the process of disposing of said soiled piece of foliage…
...When they happened to cross paths with Bow and Windy, and a few moments of serene calm then followed where you could clearly hear all the sounds of the forest at play.
Bow and Windy stared.
The filly blinked in return (for that is what she was).
Before suddenly, without warning, the lightly-coloured carefully-coiffured youngster seemed to randomly panic. She abruptly flapped her undeveloped wings (evidently, she was not part of the charity trot taking place that day) to get as much distance between her and the nonplussed pair staring at her in bemusement, glancing back the entire time…
So it wasn’t the biggest surprise ever when her travels took her straight into a nearby tree.
Oak maybe. Or redwood.
Either way, it was very tall, very old…
And very hard. Harder than iron bars and Tartarus rock combined, even.
Goodnight, everyone. It’s time for my nap now. Zzzzzz...
The beginning part made me confused
Well, I don't blame you. It has been a while since I've contributed to this story. But, I think if you read it in entirety, it should've made sense. Especially with the chapter title being what it was. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it.
going to guess "Cozy Glow" is gonna wake from her "accidental nap" talk a bit with RD's Parents about whats happened to her, and they will take her into their family basically "adopting her"
10276793
That would be the ‘obvious’ route...
That was a hilarious way to end the chapter i look forward to how "you" act when dealing with most supportive and excitable parents of Rainbow Dash
Well that was slightly embarrassing for 'Cozy' huh, can't wait to see what happens next.
10276834
Oh yes, I'm sure they'll be lots of that... whether he/she likes it or not.
10276839
Always good when readers want more. I shall oblige soon.
10276795
of course it is! However you saying the obvious route is not whats going to happen, could also be a red herring thrown out by you to trick us readers into trying to think of some totally different outcome!
10276861
Hmm, could be. And doesn’t everyone love surprises?
WOOT a great story continues!
10276903
Well thanks for saying so. Enjoy!
10276866
eeyup! And RD's reaction to suddenly having "Cozy" as a little sister would be hilarious!
Good to have you back.
*
Prisoner Zero has escaped
*
10277032
Good to ‘be’ back, though I’ve always been loitering in the background, somewhere comfortably obscure...
10277033
It’s okay, everypony! Celestia’s crack troops are on the case! front guard stumbles and the rest fall over him Um, never mind...
10276861
But he comes from Australia, and everyone knows that Australia is full of criminals, who would never make the plot that predictable!
10277484
British, actually. I think you’re confusing me with someone else...
That would be 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader' on Nickelodeon, but you probably knew that already.
10277605
Indeed. Well done for getting the reference, though.
If I were able to channel Michael Winslow, you'd hear the classic game over sound effect. Chester cheetah would do too, but whatever.
10277610
I did happen to see one or two episodes of that some time ago.
10277484
Australia is also chock-full of poisonous critters, but you probably knew that already.
Seriously, to quote Silver Quill,
10277484
Unless he suspected you'd know his origins, so they would make it that predictable.
10277510
nah, just riffing off of Vizzini
10277744
I see. Time to revisit some 80’s classics, methinks...
Soooo.... She took a dump like an ordinary horse?
I don't think rainbow Dash's parents are that overly supportive that they would put down others
Oh boi! These two will probably be so oblivious they'll just fall over themselves trying to "help"...