Jokes Only Intellectuals Will Understand

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.

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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "five beers, please."

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Pavlov is sitting at a pub, enjoying a pint. The phone rings, and he jumps up shouting, "I forgot to feed the dog!"

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A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson says, "but without me, how could you have mass?"

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A programmer's wife tells him, "run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

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Q: How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
A: Ask them to pronounce "unionized"!