Eurovision 2014 - It's That Time Again (part 1)

Sooo...

First off, my apologies for not writing more stuff. Not overflowing with ideas, and while I know that the writer's mantra is "write!", I feel no need to publish what I'd perceive as inferior material. When (not if) I get new ideas for stories, I'll get started again. Promise.

With that out of the way, let me drive away 95 percent of the people reading this by, once again, talking about the Eurovision Song Contest. 2014's edition, to be precise, taking place on the 6th, 8th and 10th of May in Copenhagen, Denmark (thanks to Emmelie de Forest's victory in Malmö last year).

Folks, this is gonna be difficult. Not so much because it's an especially bad year, but because it's so relentlessly average. There is precisely one song in the lineup of 37 that I'd call genuinely terrible (we'll get back to that), but there are also hardly any standouts in the other direction. In a way, I wish it were different - I wish there were more really bad songs, because those at least are usually fun to watch as their performers struggle to put on a decent live performance - or drown the song in a huge firework of a stage show, which is usually also fun (see: last year's Gay Opera Dubstep Vampire (tm)). But a sea of average? Where's the fun in that?

So, let's go through the three shows - a semi of 16 on Tuesday, May 6; a semi of 15 on Thursday, May 8; and the grand final on Saturday, May 10, for which six countries are already qualified.

Semi 1 Video playlist

1: Armenia: Aram MP3 - Not Alone

This is currently the bookies' favourite to win 2014. I can kind of see why, though I think this might be a little too soft and take too long to get going to really play for the title. Still, it's a good song (I love the part where the drums come in), and it should easily qualify for the final.

2: Latvia: Aarzemnieki - Cake to Bake

I can't deny it - I love this thing to pieces. It's far too mellow to ever do much at the contest, but I'm really glad we got this one, and I'm hoping it might break Latvia's streak of DNQs and become its first finalist since 2008. (Disclosure: The lead singer happens to come from the same country as yours truly. Please don't ask me how a German singer became the Latvian choice for the 2014 ESC.)

3: Estonia: Tanja - Amazing

It's not really that bad, but honestly? Germany tried a ripoff of 2012's winner "Euphoria" last year and fell flat on its face with it. I don't see Estonia doing much better, and I could live with this not making the final.

4: Sweden: Sanna Nielsen - Undo

This is a fan favourite, mostly due to the fact that this is Ms Nielsen's seventh attempt to go to the contest, and she finally made it. Unfortunately, I believe the fans who are hyping this to the high heavens are in for a shock on Saturday night. This will easily make the final, but I don't see it moving to the high places there.

5: Iceland: Pollapönk - No Prejudice

A punk band who explicitly try to appeal to children as well as adults, with a song about love and tolerance. Considering the website I'm posting this on, need I say any more? I also love the 60's Batman aesthetic in the video.

6: Albania: Hersi - One Night's Anger

This is one of those songs that might have been better served by staying in its original language. In English, it just sounds disjointed to me, like two ballads collided on the way to the contest. This will probably qualify, but I could easily live without seeing this on Saturday night.

7: Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters - Shine

Hoo boy. Due to its country of origin, this one comes with a whole bundle of baggage. Still, I might have been willing to overlook that if the song had been any good. Unfortunately, it isn't - and considering the pedigree behind it, which includes several experienced ESC songwriters (as well as the winners of the 2006 Junior Eurovision performing), that is plain inexcusable and baffling. This is a paint-by-numbers Eurovision ballad that might have seemed innovative in 1998. For 2014, it's just disappointing.

8: Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova - Start a Fire

Yawn. Sorry, but this is the worst entry for Azerbaijan since their debut in 2008. They can do this type of ballad so much better - they did do it better in 2010 and especially 2012 - that the only explanation I have is an unwillingness to host the contest again only three years after their last triumph. Calling this bore "Start a Fire" is the most hilarious misnomer since Roxette's ballad "Crash! Boom! Bang!", but in Roxette's case, the dissonance was intentional.

9: Ukraine: Maria Yaremchuk - Tick-Tock

Paint-by-numbers teen pop. The only notable thing about Maria is her oversized hat.

10: Belgium: Axel Hirsoux - Mother

I admit I don't get this one at all. Ballads always have this problem - either you find them touching (see last year's Icelandic entry) or they fail to reach you at all. Unfortunately, most of this year's crop of ballads fall into the latter category for me, and that includes this piece of admittedly well-performed cheese.

11: Moldova: Cristina Scarlat - Wild Soul

Okay, first things first: what's with that hip-hop-video style opening? This isn't remotely a hip hop song. Second: I'll admit my first thought when hearing this was "she's singing bass", à la "Spaceballs". This is by no means bad, but it just passes by me completely unnoticed. Perhaps Moldova will miss the final for the first time since 2008?

12: San Marino: Valentina Monetta - Maybe (Forse)

This song has a fantastic intro. Unfortunately, the rest of it can't live up to that intro, and considering that San Marino missed the final last year with a far superior song (performed by the same artist, who is returning for the third year in a row - you gotta admire her persistence), I don't see this doing much better.

13: Portugal: Suzy - Quero ser tua

Bleagh. This is not really a bad song, but for someone from Germany, who had to sit through endless repetitions of "Ai se eu ti pego" and "Balada" in 2012, this wakes memories best left forgotten. Also, it's bad even compared to those two Brazilian behemoths of accordion. The one good thing about this cheap piece of glitz is that it might serve to put into focus the gemstone that follows it.

14: The Netherlands: The Common Linnets - Calm After the Storm

This has become my favourite from this semi. No glitz, no cheap effects, no key change, just two people and a little background music. I hope to all heavens that this will make it, though considering its country's record in the semis, I'm not optimistic. But I don't care. Love that guitar solo.

15: Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic - Moj svijet

Montenegro have tried five times to get to a Eurovision final, and so far their record is 0 for 5. After last year's dubsteppy hip-hop track, they've passed the "we don't give a damn" buck to Georgia and sent a classic Balkan-flavoured ballad. Unlike most other slow songs this year (indeed, unlike most songs this year, period), I actually kinda like this one. Not to the level of some of its predecessors in the Balkan ballad category, like "Nije ljubav stvar" or "Love in Rewind", but enough to wish Montenegro the best. (Also, on a completely personal and irrelevant note, the boy from the video looks an awful lot like my nephew.)

16: Hungary: András Kállay-Saunders - Running

Child abuse isn't exactly a standard topic for Eurovision songs, but as Hungary so admirably proved last year with "Kedvesem", they apparently don't care about what you should and should not do at Eurovision, instead just sending good goddamn songs. It worked last year, and honestly, "Running" is actually more accessible to the average listener (unless you pay attention to the lyrics, and even then, it still works).