On the importance of a story description, or "how to avoid unnecessary downvotes for terrible OOC writing" · 10:25pm Jul 14th, 2014
I've never been much of a blogger, but I had a learning experience recently, and I thought maybe someone else would be able to benefit from a record of my blind floundering through attempts at making literature. Observe me flail.
So I wrote this. It's a FlashLight ship, so, strike one. I figured it'd have a hard time because of that. But I was foolish and short-sighted. Here's how. (This post contains spoilers up through Chapter 9: Conviction. If you were intending to read this but haven't yet, be warned.)
The story, as of now, consists of eight chapters, during which Flash proposes to Twilight, she accepts on condition that Celestia approves, and Celestia insists on an "interview." At the interview, Flash is informed that Twilight is pregnant, Celestia is informed that it wasn't Flash, and Flash is then given a choice of how to punish Twilight. He is dismayed at Celestia's insistence on punishment, and refuses, instead confessing to a crime so that Twilight is held innocent of all wrongdoing. Celestia joyously sentences Flash to have his wings cut off, and be thrown into the deepest dungeon ever, during which time he goes absolutely batshit insane.
"Hold on a second here," you may be saying. I know what you're thinking. Twilight wouldn't ever cheat on her fiance, even if it is that asshole Flash Sentry. And Celestia doesn't seem like the type for lines of dialogue like "She must be punished!" Even more, her proposed punishment for Twilight is excessive (un-ascension for premarital whoopee, and prison for premarital infidelity), and her sentence for Flash seems incredibly excessive. In light of this, it's ridiculous that she seems really, really happy that he's confessing. And the torturous nightmares she gives him; that seems odd for Celestia, too.
Well, that's some shitty, out-of-character writing right there. Go give it a downvote, if you haven't already. Actually, please don't, thanks.
Except that Chapter 9 reveals that none of that OOC stuff was true! Celestia was giving Flash a test of his love, starting with the preggers revelation. Unfortunately, after Flash passed (well... super-passed!) the test by refusing to punish Twilight (the original choices were "allow her to be disgraced and de-princessed while he gets promoted," or "stay with her and love her even though she's no longer a princess," which was intended to reveal whether he really loved her or just wanted political advancement), he was so despondent that he fell even deeper into the illusion, losing contact with Celestia entirely. Chapters 4-8 were just his comatose hallucinations, taking only moments in the real world. Chapter 10 spoiler: he really is totally batshit insane… now!
So, really, all of that stuff that I had intended to be clues ended up turning off potential readers who, as Flashbunny said, believed "that it was exactly as it appeared; a shallow story with characters not acting believably not worth continuing." Between Flashbunny and Forthwith, they convinced me that the description needed to indicate to the reader that the OOC moments were something other than just plain bad writing.
The original description read thusly:
Flash Sentry is ecstatic to be engaged to Princess Twilight Sparkle. But when Princess Celestia becomes suspicious of his motives, how far will he have to go to prove his love for her? How far will he go to keep the pony he loves safe… and will she appreciate it?
I was trying to be all cryptic, and let the reader believe that all those horrible things had really happened. But then, they believed that the writing was just bad. It doesn't give the reader a poke in the direction of "not really happening" or room to develop their own theories beyond "bad writing."
The updated description reads:
Although Flash Sentry is overjoyed to be engaged to Princess Twilight Sparkle, Celestia withholds her blessing until she can interview the couple. At the interview, Flash is even more surprised than Celestia to find that something is indeed terribly wrong. This revelation leaves him questioning whether he ever really knew either princess.
Flash is forced to make a difficult decision, attempting to separate reality from deception, as he asks himself whether he has an identity outside of his relationship with Twilight. Meanwhile, Celestia and Twilight re-evaluate their own relationship as they deal with a loss of trust.
This is better. Something is terribly wrong… but what? Even Flash thinks the princesses are acting out of character.
I've seen more thumbs ups since then. I'm sure the description is better, but I'm not exactly sure why. I'd like to be able to articulate other differences between the two descriptions, but, again, I lack the experience.
Flounder, away!
What I really like about the last chapter of the story is how the great description of Celestia as manipulative and willing to do inherently bad things is dissimilar but also very similar to the Celestia we saw in Flash's mind give that terrible choice to. They're two very different Celestias, but not as different as they may first appear to be.
2285374 Well, I hope the "real" one in Chapter 9 is more in-character, at least.
Oh man, do I ever feel your pain!
Now I see why you cut me so much slack in my own story. At least I started out with a popular ship. It seems that most people aren't very careful readers, and that they are perfectly able to skim right over the vigorous waving of huge red flags without taking any notice.
But the only other choice I can think of is to spell it out in such blatant terms that the characters in the story will look like morons for not realizing what's happening.
Tough balancing act.
I love the idea of Celestia the Chessmaster protecting Twilight like that, and the first thing that went through my mind when I got to the pregnancy bit was that Celestia was lying to Flash to test his reaction.
Don't take the downvotes too hard; I'm sure a majority of them are from Twifu wonks who never read a word of your story.
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Honestly I never got those types of people. They see a ship they don't like, or a tag they disagree with, or the skim the premise of a story. Then downvote. I mean noone is forcing them to look at the fic, and there (at least according to rumors on the internet) is a magical little X button that closes tabs.
But yeah, 2285381 honestly I wouldn't read the fic mostly because of FlashLight (I personally find him a cardboard personality McGuffin that the shows producers forced into the show. Could have been replaced by any of the Mane 6, and feels contrived, way to forced, and unbelievable.*personal opinion*) is a totally unrealistic attempt at shipping that I see as more a satire on every horrible OC straight ship ever made (not the few good ones, or barely passable ones.) rather than an actual shipping attempt [Aka. Mane 6 meets OC. Instantly has the hots for OC. Mane 6 can't not get OC out of her head / becomes a fumbling mass of hormones around OC. OC get's the Mane 6 character because he's so awesome. OC has no character developement, unique personality, or use beyond McGuffin / scenery with legs and a set of genitals (of any match, make, or model), but is supposed to be taken seriously.]
On the problem of OCC moments. Personally depends, if it's meant to be a serious fic. Toss in a thing in an A/N, or long description something along the lines of "has what appears to be OCC moments, isn't what it seems. More will be revealed in later chapters."; or "Nothing is what it appears to be." / "Celestia acting OCC is an act." / "[Insert OCC mention.]"
Sure it's spoon feeding to the readers. But sometimes a little assurance that, yes this looks OCC but it has a plot specific reason for it. Is what readers know between purposeful writing, and a hack (not calling you one. Just saying). If the fic on the otherhand is Satire, or a Parody. Simply toss in, "This is a satire." / "Nothing about this fic takes itself seriously." / "This is a parody of [Insert what it's a parody of]." And you can get away with almost anything. Well within limits.
3065445 That's one reason I picked Flash Sentry, honestly. He's a nobody. A blank slate for me to build upon.
Also, I don't think anybody can say that Flash Sentry, as I've written him, hasn't changed, or has had it easy, or any of that other stuff. In fact, we've basically only seen their relationship in its broken state, except for a glimpse at the beginning. Most of the reader's information about their meeting, their past... it's all through the eyes of a thoroughly disillusioned and broken character.
As for using an author's note, I don't believe in them. If you have to explain that "a character is OOC but that's okay, keep reading," then you're doing it wrong as an author. You shouldn't have to explain anything.
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Trust me I know you shouldn't have to. But readers, as I've come to know them. Are finicky, jump to conclusions based on a few scenes, or quick to judge off of little information. Not all, but I've seen a lot of fics where that was the case. A little tidbit basically warning them that it's going to happen, but it's for a reason ... usually goes over better than trusting readers to not jump to conclusions. And I'll admit I'm not entirely blameless on that front for two fics on the site.
Anywho. Yeah, what you have written is loads better than the first one. If they can be lead to question what they're reading is OOC, or has a purpose for it. It'll be good for a good amount of readers as they go over your fic with a fine tooth comb and dissect everything about it. And it's generally better for them to be overly analytic then simply thinking it's poor writing (again, not saying it is.)
As for the reason for using Flash. That's actually a pretty good one. I might not get to the fic any time soon. But I might give it a go when I have the free time for it.