Hey guys, I’m asking for emotional support. · 8:29pm Sep 27th, 2014
2 weeks ago, my dad got sick with flu symptoms and got hospitalized. His condition is bad. And again I’m only just finding out about how unlikely he is to recover.
Dad is on breathing tubes right now that go through his mouth and down his throat into his lungs. By law, they can only have a breathing tube go down the throat for a certain number of days before they need to remove it since he’s at risk for pneumonia. Next week, they’re going to be doing what’s called a trake (trachea), which is where they have the breathing tube coming directly out of his neck.
Same with his feeding tubes. Right now, tubes of food are going down his throat. Those will be removed and they’ll be replaced with tubes/needles that go through his side to get directly to his stomach.
It doesn’t sound like much of a difference, but basically, the doctors will either pull the plug or prep him for surgery that’ll keep him wired up permanently.
He will absolutely not come home for life. He will go to a nursing home or he will die at the hospital.
What he has is West Nile which he got from a mosquito bite. West Nile invades the body and its symptoms look exactly like the flu. In its final stages, it infects the brainstem. Which it has. The brainstem is the part of the brain that lets my dad maintain consciousness, lets him breathe on his own, etc. My dad has been unconscious since the night the paramedics took him and he sometimes doesn’t breathe on his own.
West Nile also gave Dad a 109 fever. Your brain starts dying at 105. He had meningitis which became encephalitis which basically means it caused his brain to swell.
Everything you do to treat the flu won’t touch West Nile.
My family just had a discussion where we decided to terminate him if he’s not better at the end of the week. He didn’t want to be a vegetable hooked up on life support. If he’s not better in a week, we’re pulling him off the ventilator and removing his food. He will be moved to a sodium and chloride solution to keep him hydrated, plus a morphine drip to ease the pain.
Without the respirator, he might live 6 months, he might live 2 minutes. Without his food, the upper cap on his lifespan ends at 3 weeks, maybe.
Retrospectively, because he refused to go to the hospital for the month before he was committed to the hospital and because he flopped around fighting with the paramedics as they took him away, we think that my dad might have wanted to die at home.
I thought he was just hit with a nasty disease that would land him a month in a bed in the hospital with a breathing tube. I thought he’d be coming home. I had no idea how bad everything was.
Most likely, next week will be the week he dies.
----
I feel like such a shit daughter. I've hardly cried. My mom is going though such shit right now and she breaks down in tears all the time. I'm regretting the fact that I made no effort to take an interest in his life for the last 5 or 10 years, that I basically didn't care about him. We keep playing his favorite music in the car.
*hug*
2488470 Thank you very much. I know you can't actually see me, but I struggled to keep from crying when I read your one-word reply. Thank you very much, Monsterlord. It means a lot to me.
You could not have known. It is merely human that we assume everything will remain the same until it doesn't. Don't blame yourself for any of it. Things like this happen and we can't do anything about it.
Be strong. For what it's worth, we're here for you.
2488490 Thanks Galley. While I’m at peace with how there wasn’t much I could do for him medically, what’s been bothering me is that… all while he was dieing. I didn’t care. Not really. I hardly had a relationship with my father at all. Don’t get me wrong, he was never abusive. But… he was just some guy who lived in my house who I didn’t interact with. The reason why I’m feeling bad now is because, well, he’s my father. I Should be feeling bad that I’m going to lose him. Mostly, I see what it’s doing to my mother, and that’s why I’m sympathetic.
My condolences for your father.
I've lost a few family members so I know the feeling.
2488510 Thank you very much for your kind words, KaBar. If I might ask, what’s happened with your family? Who did you lose? And, most importantly, what happened to you?
2488506 Everyone mourns differently. I've always said that mourning should be done in silence.
When my father lost his aunt, a woman who had been like a mother to him, he never cried. He never wept. Perhaps he did in silence, but never before us.
I knew her as well. She was a great woman. Always laughing, always smiling. Her cooking was great. Whenever she visited she'd hug us and give us a gift. When she died I never cried. I never sat in silence and contemplated my life. There was no slideshow of the times we spent together.
She died, a woman who'd cared for me, who'd cared for my father before me, and I did not weep once.
I wondered on that. Was I heartless because of it? Cancer took her, and yet I didn't feel it. I came to wonder whether I'd weep for anyone.
I still don't know for certain. Perhaps we simply mourn somehow else. Perhaps we simply don't.
2488529
So, you lost someone you cared about and didn't cry? Or change the emotion into another, more "acceptable" one like anger, numbness, or hyper focusing on repetitive OCD tasks? That actually does make me feel better. I don’t consider you a heartless person in the slightest. Neither do I think you're skilled at "Faking it” like a sociopath.
2488525
The first person I remember was my grandpa to lung cancer. He worked as an Engineer in the Navy in WWII. He died in Febuary '01 when I was about two.
The next person was my Uncle, he took his own life. He served in the Army on Enewetak Atoll. Where the world's first hydrogen bomb, Ivy Mike, was tested. He was stationed there abotu thirty years after that test. Because of the radiation, he developed thyroid cancer hich made him lose his saliva glands. Which meant he couldn't produce saliva anymore.
That was a sad day for my family when my Aunt found him…
2488569
Oh my goodness. In the 12 years you’ve been alive, you’ve already lost 3 people you loved. I can’t imagine what kind of life your uncle lived trying to cope without salvia glands. Was he eating through a tube or did he have to mix some kind of lubricant with every spoonful of food? I don’t even want to think about it.
I’m sorry for your losses, especially your aunt.
2488585
No, no.
I'm fifteen, so that's there.
It was my aunt that found my uncle. So only only two people, although I may soon lose my grandmother as well.
As for my uncle losing his glands, not much changed. He just had to carry a water bottle with him.
He was fine enough to work until he was crushed between two machines and I was five years old. After that he had to stop working…
2488565 I didn't cry. I thought that maybe I was mourning some other way, like going to the gym and taking it out on the weights, but I don't think so.
I actually thought I should fake it at the time, because I felt bad about not feeling bad, but it didn't feel correct. I think we should mourn our own way. If that means we do so in a way few people do, then that's just the way it is.
I'm glad I could make you feel better. Thanks for not considering me a sociopath.
2488594
That was my bad.
Oh, I did my math wrong. You were 2 in 2001 when your uncle died, for some reason I got it in my head that you were born in 2001. Sorry.
About your grandmother, will you miss her? Do you have any good memories with her? I know you’re probably a little too young to think about this, but one of the ways I honor the memories of people (both living and dead) is that I take all their qualities that made you happy when you were younger, remember them, and then try to do the same things to your kids once you become a parent, or your nieces and nephews, or your trick-or-treaters. To spread the same kind of happiness you got as a kid.
Crushed between two machines, Jesus!
2488597 Actually, you know what, talking to you (and the other people in the comment section) has made me feel better. No, I don’t consider you a sociopath. You have too much nuanced knowledge about emotions and intentions to be someone who doesn’t experience them for himself. You’re a real and whole person.
My dad was a fan of the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator, and he displayed sorrow in kinda the same way I’m doing so now. By which I mean, he didn’t have or show sadness, he simply got… “pragmatic.” Considering that I’m an INTJ and he was an INTJ, and this is how we did this whole sadness thing, it’s possible that it’s just a quark of our personality types.
It’s also possible that you’re a “_ _TJ” too. Not sure how much stock you put in the MBTI system, but, there you go.
2488635 im so sorry I don't know what to say I started tearing up even before finishing your post im at a loss for words I've never lost anyone so I don't know how to deal
2488635 Well, according to Myers I am INTP. I'm quite certain I'd taken the test before, but I can't remember what my results were at that time.
2489061 Azreon, thank you so much for your kind words. I think I’ve finished doing most of my crying and I’m actually feeling pretty okay right now. As I mentioned up there in the main post, I didn’t have too much of a relationship with my father, so I’m basically losing a stranger. What’s been on my mind is how much my mother and siblings are suffering and the fact that I should be feeling some direct grief about my dad, but I don’t. I’m feeling indirect grief. I’m sad because my mom and brothers are sad.
I never intended to make you cry, but I’m kinda glad that you could do what I’ve been struggling to do. You’re the better person.
2489179 An INTP? Whoa! You have the same personality type as my oldest brother! Very cool!
2489232 i sent a message to your fiancé telling him to be good to you and take care of you
2489232 i think im just transplanting my your situation onto myself I don't know what Id do if I lost someone probably shut down
2489255
Thank you for sending him a message. Though, I’m done with my crying now, I still appreciate the fact that you are doing things to comfort me. In fact, every one of you has been very kind to me. I’ve just watched a marathon of cheery sitcoms. I think I’m done with my crying. Thank you very much for being there for me and for extending your sympathy.
2489658 I'm so, so sorry Michelle I wasn't on last night so I didn't see this *hugs* I have never been in a situation like this... well because ma family for some reason never let the kids see people in well critical situations. But know this we've been friends for a while so ya should know that I'm there for ya when ever ya need me. but ya have your boyfriend to comfort you too so I won't expect ya to need me much but just know I'll be here *strokes back and gives friendly smile*
2489833 Thanks Sheo, for being there to support me, but I’m actually fine now. I’ve done all my crying. I’m now wavering back and forth between my “pragmatist mode” and my normal happy self. That kinda sounds like I hardly spent any time grieving, but let me explain. I was born when my mother was 40, so I grew up with my parents already being old and ailing. 40 isn't that old, but by the time I was 10, they were in their 50's. By the time I was 20, they were in their 60's. 5 years from now, my mom is going to be 70. I've sort of been prepared for my parents to die for quite a few years now.
I never wanted it to happen, but I’ve been prepared for it to happen. The fact that I wasn't blindsided by my dad's health made it easier to handle.
Sweetheart, I love you. I'm here if you need me and want to talk.
It's alright that you hardly cried. We all feel emotions differently, some wear them on their sleeves, others are more stoic. And despite what you may think, you DO care about him. Just because you weren't very close doesn't mean that you didn't love him and vice-versa.
2493142 2493142 You're very kind, Sweetheart. I know your words would have brought on a fresh wave of tears if I hadn't already done all my crying. If you wanna know a little personal detail, when I visited my dad 2 days ago, I read him the blog entry about you proposing. I’ve told him before I even told my mom. Strangely, spilling my secrets has made me feel a little bit closer to him.
2493444
That's...powerful stuff.
How are you doing, sweety? How are you holding up?
2493446 I'm actually okay now. I've already cried and sorted things out in my head. This blog here was written Just after my family had a discussion in the living room about what was happening to Dad and what we should do about it if he didn't get better soon, so it reeks of... whatever emotion was being displayed there. Regret I guess. But, I am a happier person since I wrote that. I haven't written any follow up blogs with a softer or happier sounding tone yet, but my mood is improved. I've made peace with a lot of things.
2493454
That's good to hear, all things considered.
2493458 Thank you, Sweetheart. Though, it is nice to have you by my side.
2493459
I'll always be there.
2493464 Thank you, Zach. I love you.
2493471
Love you too, sweetheart.
2492781 hahaha don't mention it lass i'll always be there for ya you have been a very good friend to me and I would think it rude if I didn't do it
and I am surprised that your parents are as old as you say they are..... it makes me wonder why they had ya at the age they had ya but that is neither here nor there.
and for some reason I find the reality you have been preparing for ya parents to die understandable and slightly.... sad in a way, but at least it helps ya get through this hard time slightly easier
sounds so much like my grandfather, i still hold the scars from that experience
2493444 just know you're not alone, we all have lost someone or come close to losing someone
2494881 Thank you for your condolences. You're a sweetheart. Even though I've done all my crying and I'm no longer upset, I still greatly appreciate you extending me your sympathy. Thank you, Raven.
2493645 It's not so bad. It's like growing up knowing that the hamburgers you like eating were made by killing cows. You feel a little bad, you might do some contemplation, but ultimately, you're not shaken to your core if you visit a cow farm.
In my case, I just grew up knowing the long list of who would finish raising me (who I was willed to) and in what order if my parents died.
2495410 who would be sad about cows dying.... they are literally born to be a food source and they ain't sentient as far as the food chain goes were at the top and most likely will stay that way until everything either goes to shot or we get sent back into the dark ages
and your last sentence again is understandable and logical... but I still get a bit of sadness thinking about it