Getting Back on the Horse · 1:00pm Aug 17th, 2018
It's been a hell of a week, gang.
Aside from the fire last week, I also lost a gig for my second job hosting trivia nights (the venue made sure to say that it had nothing to do with me, they loved me. They just weren't getting the numbers they wanted). On top of that, this week, a friend I've had for 20 years made it clear he no longer wants anything to do with me.
The details are long and tedious and I don't want to go into them here, but nearly everyone I've talked to in an attempt to process this all seem to agree that he's the one in the wrong. I don't know if he is or not, because some of his reasons for ending the friendship do have some merit in my opinion. Not all of them, and I think he's massively overreacted, but he's made it clear he has no real interest in reconciliation and is more interested in punishing me for whatever transgressions I've committed than actually making an effort to salvage our relationship. So, goodbye, old friend. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Losing a friend sucks. Losing a friend this way is exactly the same as when a friend dies. I know. I've experienced both now. It's the same kind of process. When most people lose a friend, it's because they just lose contact with each other and drift apart. It happens, that's life. People come and people go.
Something like this though, when it's a massive argument and there's harsh words and anger... it hurts. It especially hurts when you try to make a genuine effort to understand the reasons for the anger and make up for them, but everything you do just seems to make the situation worse.
By the same token, I'm also well aware of the warning signs of an abusive relationship, and in this case, I've seen a couple in my attempts to talk to him. I don't think he realizes that's what they are, but that doesn't change the fact that they're there. I'm not going to walk on eggshells around him, too scared to do anything because he might get mad and end everything for good. Which is exactly what he said to me: "If you ever dump on me, or anyone I care about ever again, we really will be done for good."
How am I supposed to react to that? It puts any sort of possible mending of the friendship in a completely different light. That's not friendship, that's extortion. And I've been down that road already with other people close to me. I'm not doing it again.
He doesn't have to pretend that everything's cool, or put on a happy face. But friendship with this kind of threat hanging over it is poison and it's only a matter of time before something happens and it all goes south. So, I guess it's better if it ends right here.
I don't have any closing thoughts or words of advice for anyone going through something like this. I'm just as adrift as you are. I wish I could tell you there was a sure fire way to fix this, but you can't fix something between two people if one of them has no interest in doing so.
This kind of thing is exactly why I have a hard time with all the Anon-a-Miss fics that feature Sunset telling the rest of her friends to go fuck off. Even if it's justified, it's callous and cruel and even when they express genuine remorse and a desire to try to repair the friendship, usually Sunset isn't interested in that. She's interested in punishment. And that's just not the way to handle a situation like this and those stories almost NEVER understand the actual feelings involved. It's cheap angst for the sake of cheap angst, and promotes anger and revenge over everything else.
This kind of thing isn't righteous, or truthful, or whatever. It's ugly, it's nasty, and it's one of the worst things you could ever go through. I wouldn't wish this on anybody, on EITHER side of the situation. But whatever. I don't really have a conclusion for this either.
I'm trying to get back in the writing groove on Consequences. It's been difficult. Hopefully I'll have something out this weekend.
That's sad. :( I mean, it sounds like a split is the best option at that point, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant.
I'm sorry you've been going through a very hard time. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. Hang in there, and don't stress about "Consequences". You take care of yourself, that's more important than writing.
Damn. I went through something kinda similar a few years ago (with lots of friendships broken... although we'd only been friends, albeit very close ones, for a FAR shorter time, so I don't think it can possibly compare to your situation). I really wish I had something to say, a piece of advice, or, dunno, anything at all to help you feel at least a teensy bit better... But, to make a very long story short, not only I haven't been able to completely get over it yet, but the measures I've taken to mitigate the pain are something I would NOT recommend to anyone.
Probably the only thing I can possibly think of saying is that, if he really has no interest in salvaging the relationship and has even issued threats like the one you mentioned, it's probably better to just end the friendship, no matter how much it might hurt. You said it yourself, friendship with such a threat hanging over it is not friendship. And if everything does end in a bad way, try to keep in mind what you said about Sunset Shimmer and Anon-A-Miss. Anger and hatred won't get you anywhere. In the long run, it'll most certainly hurt you far more than it'll hurt him. Please DO NOT go down the same path I did. I haven't hurt anyone, and I probably never will, but I still feel freezing-cold hatred and anger over what happened four years ago, and I really don't know if I will ever be able to leave those feelings behind. To be fair, I'm 24; hopefully you'll be able to deal with things in a more mature way than I did.
Just hang in there, good sir/ma'am/attack helicopter (?). Between the fire, losing the gig, this, and anything else that might or might not be going on right now, sorting things out in your life is way more important than updating a fanfic "in schedule". If the updates suffer delays, meh, chapters are delayed all the time. If real life problems suffer a delay, it's a different story entirely.
I've been in a similar situation. I had a "friend" that wasn't interested in actual friendship. They were just using me as an escape from boredom. Every once in a while, they'd try and cut things off with me. But, trying to salvage the situation, I made myself the badguy and everything was fine again. Nothing could be their fault. Eventually, I had enough and actually broke things off. I've still left the door open, in case they wise up and realize that they were the one in the wrong and want to fix it. But so far that's not the case. They've probably forgotten me by now. Probably for the best.
But yeah, I've been in a toxic relationship before as well. It's never fun.